Holy Buckets – The Playoffs Are Mostly Over!

Note: What follows is possibly the worst thing I’ve written since Young Authors in 5th Grade. (I wrote a parody of Danger Mouse. Does anyone else remember that cartoon?)

Mind you, there are nine and a half minutes left in the opening quarter of the earlier of today’s two conference championship games, and this is when I’m spurred to put something down on the Internet. When I have a matinée to get to by 1:00. Suffice it to say, we’re not going to New Orleans this year. Though there’s going to be a live-blog, with God as my witness. You know who else isn’t going to New Orleans? The Rush. Also the Desperados. Because they got blown up by 6-seeds. The AFL – It’s Total Nonsense!

Oh, dear me, Raymond Philyaw just got Cleveland within 1 by continuing to play out of his mind. He threw his first interception of the playoffs earlier in the quarter, and just allowed himself to get a faceful of defensive lineman after lofting a perfect ball to the corner of the end zone for Amey (is a girl’s name). Which seems like as good a start as any for Quick Notes On the Playoffs. Raymond Philyaw is the single biggest reason that Cleveland could shock the world.

They probably won’t, because Philadelphia is in really good shape, health-wise, and skill-wise. Though they almost lost to New York, so I clearly know nothing.

GRAND RAPIDS? REALLY? Grand friggin’ Rapids? Is this because I made fun of them in my season preview? Because I’ll admit that we didn’t know which team would show up from week to week, and were equally confused by their 91-point games as by their 31-point games.

Oh, look! Instantaneous zoetrope examination for correct officiating on the field of play! The current Chris Jackson touchdown catch is under review (and was ruled an incompletion – BOO), but the decision to add instant replay mid-season has already paid monstrous dividends, getting the call right at the end of last week’s New York/Philly tilt. Hear that baseball? You have the technology, you can rebuild him. (“Him” being “your umpiring crew’s credibility.”)

Hey, look: San Jose is quietly marching to the Virgin Mitsubishi Daiquiri Arena Bowl Presented by Ambien or something. The least-flashy team might actually defend their championship? I kind of like that. I also hope they beat the tar out of the Rampage. Sorry, Rampage fans. But my God, your inconsistency makes last year’s Columbus run look positively steady-hand-on-the-tiller’ed.

It’s the Celebrity-Owned Conference Championship vs. the “Who Owns This Team?” Conference Championship. Where’s Bon Jovi and Jaworski, anyway?

Other stuff we missed: EVERYTHING. Hey, my dentist-in-training co-editor, do you have any idea why we suddenly got remarkably bored with crafting clever bon mots in the interest of silly indoor playoff foot-balls?

Happy Conference Championships, everybody! (Picks: Philadelphia, San Jose.)

P.S. Shaun King just made fun of himself getting killed as a Las Vegas Gladiator. Classy! Self-deprecating! Also, Raymond Sillyname apparently was a house guest of Bernie Kosar in the offseason. Quickly! Who’s a good scriptwriter? I have a pitch!

Playoffs! Round 2?

Smurfit-Stone Building = Go Rush

Yeah. That’s all I’ve got. Happy Independence Day!

Who Has the Inside Track To The Virgin Bowl XXII? And Where’d That Reference Come From?

If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.

That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.

Weekend in Review: We Continue to Have No Excuses

We wanted to take the time to make sure that our analysis would be as in-depth and accurate as you, the reader, have come to expect. No, that’s a lie. We apparently simply couldn’t be buggered to reflect on the week’s AFL news, during which we actually watched some games and stuff.

Also, we’re going to combine a little serious information in this post: Week 9 of the season is “V Week,” where the Arena League and ESPN are combining to raise money and whatnot for cancer research. If you want to donate, the number is 800-4JIMMYV and you can hit the V Foundation’s website at www.jimmyv.org.

Okay, that was serious. Now for vaguely funny stuff you already know! WITH GREAT SPEED! And total inaccuracy!

Cleveland 83, LOS ANGELES 69

The Gladiators took advantage of a little-known rule where, if they solve a sequence of puzzles, not only do they get to move their away game to the Isle of Myst, they also get to play with rocket shoes.

Orlando 65, GEORGIA 62

Wait, the Predators and the VooDoo lead the South? Bullshit. I don’t believe in this season. As you may have gathered by how blatantly I’m phoning this post in. I regret everything, and will make it up to the planet with my mid-season reviews. Oh, the game? Very exciting. Blocked field goal to seal it. Jay Gruden broke Shane Stafford’s leg with a tire-iron, and Stafford was replaced by Kofi Annan:

KANSAS CITY 55, Colorado 53

Brigade win! Brigade win! John Dutton and Kristy Lee Cook both lose! Colorado had a chance at it, but couldn’t successfully score on the two-point conversion. Also, I just learned that Kansas City is sponsored by Southwest, so I assume that their uniforms will become that funky orange and red color combo, and they can retain the blue. I tried to mock this up but it looks so bad.

New Orleans 60, ARIZONA 36

New Orleans forced turnovers! [Gasp!] Arizona might have to give away season tickets! [Gasp!] LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] isn’t going to get the job done, but might it actually be… his evil twin?

San Jose 61, UTAH 40

Did you know Darren Arbet was sitting on 99 victories until last night? And did you also know that when you are struggling, you ought to play Utah? Because you will most assuredly win! 100 victories for Glorious Leader Arbet! He was reported to smile after the game, but this is unconfirmed.

New York Dragons 66, TAMPA BAY 47

Brett Dietz needs to not turn the ball over. Brett Dietz has a charming family. Brett Dietz throws for many yards and many touchdowns. Sadly, Brett Dietz had two interceptions, a lost fumble, and a safety. Brett Dietz would like some line help, please. Apparently, Tim Marcum was on the phone this week, hiring and firing, including picking up Monty Montgomery. Whose name places him among my favorite players, and I like to imagine that the meeting between he and Dietz will look something like this:

When asked for comment, Montgomery responded by throwing down his pencil and exclaiming “Damn!”

CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 52

With Sherdrick Bonner out due to a knee injury, Russ Michna captained the Rush to a victory over a scrappy Grand Rapids team that wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately for the Rampage, the goblin giving instructions to the coaching staff shrieked “GO FOR THE WIN, EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEH!” instead of letting Brian Gowins kick for the tie on Northwestern Alumni Outing Night That Joe and I Didn’t Go To Because We’re Idiots.

They Care! Because Somebody Did Something Stupid!

The weekend in review post is coming, but one thing had to happen first. The AFL got more than scant recognizance on ESPN! Woo! It took something outrageous to happen, like Orlando’s Elton Patterson blowing out his quad doing some sort of jig in the end zone to fire up the Predators faithful, but Kornheiser and Wilbon care! They actually care! Plus, this gives me an excuse to run the footage of his leg exploding.

Ah, youthful exuberance. It can happen to the best of us, right, Random Gramatica Brother?

Weekend In Review: De…fense?

Can you imagine the damage this man would do on a small field? The horror, the horror!

Defense was the word of the weekend in the Arena League. April fool’s! For real! New Orleans won on the strength of their cornerbacks, Chicago shut down Arizona, Dallas triumphed with a safety, and San Jose held the Brigade to under 40 points. We’re going for really impossible-to-pull-off ideas this week, so let’s see how much we can cram into RHYMING! COUPLET! RECAPS!

Click through if you want bad poetry. Or even if you don’t. It’s all we have today.

Does anyone have a rope?

What happened? I was told if I dug far enough I’d be up to my ears in milkshakes. That’s a croc-pot full of shit.

Hey. What’s Utah doing down here? Dwayne? What’s the deal? We said you’d do us proud. Stop Huffman-ing all over the place.

Has anyone seen New Orleans? Really? I figured they’d be down here.

Grand Rapids and Kansas City play tonight? It’s not on TV, is it? Bumped for the NIT? Probably a good scheduling decision.

Alright. I think I can reach that root. Can someone give me a boost?

Someone taller than you, Coach.

Brett Favre Retires With Ground Left To Make Up

By now, it’s big old news that Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers announced his retirement, realizing that there was no way that he was going to bridge the 440-touchdown gap between himself and Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D. He finally made his peace with merely being better than Jay Gruden and Todd Hammel, and decided that it was time to permanently shift to lounging around on his sprawling Mississippi estate, leaving only the possibility of rolling around in piles of money to occupy his time.

It’s at this point that I’d like to start the rumor that he’s going to join the Orlando Predators in order to prove his dominance in all phases of football. Then he’s going to play for FC Dallas, and perhaps a couple seasons of rugby. Aussie Rules football? The baffling Celtic football? What is it at the end of the tunnel pictured above? ESPN makes it look like some sort of Renaissance painting of St. Francis of Assisi.

Seriously: let’s go with the idea that since his competitive streak can’t be capped, he’s going to play for the New Orleans Voodoo, because it’s close to home. And he’s going to play for free. And he has the stated goal of throwing 220 touchdowns this year. It’ll be great. It’s like he’s going to the football equivalent of a methadone clinic. “Brett, we’re going to get you to step down from competing gradually…”

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Cleveland “Gladiators”

Progress, Prosperity, and… two mysterious and arcane symbols. Seriously, Cleveland, what are those things? Rorschach blots?

Facts:

• National Conference Eastern Division Presented by Mitsubishi
• Arena Bowl Championships: Not so much.
• Formerly the Las Vegas Gladiators, the New Jersey Gladiators, and the New York New Jersey Red Dogs.
• Last Year’s Record: 2-14 (Dead last, different conference, different division. But they would’ve been bringing up the rear in any of the divisions.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

This might not be that bad! Bernie Kosar’s a great guy to have on board, and may manage to counteract the apparent batshit mania of asbestos attorney and majority owner Jim “Personal Injury” Ferraro. The real good news is that GM Mike Levy grabbed some free agents that kind of know how to play the game. Hey: it’s Ray Philyaw! A competent quarterback! Cornelius Bonner? I think he made a positive impact in Grand Rapids! (Note: I actually looked this up. I was … kind of right? Offense? Defense? He does … stuff. I hate research. I much prefer my usual uninformed gibbering.) I can’t, for some reason, read the Cleveland Plain Dealer online, so I curse Cleveland. That’s how I end this paragraph. Curse you, Cleveland.

Bullet Points About People:

• Bernie Kosar is excited about the direction that Cleveland’s going. I’ll buy it.
• Donovan Arp’s surname comes from the final words of his great-great-great-great grandfather’s mortal enemy.
• Rookie Richard Alston fled the flaming wreck of NFL Europa and is listed as one of ArenaFootball.com‘s rookies to watch. That’s promising. He belonged to the Cleveland Browns, so at least he doesn’t have to go very far. Except for the part about him playing in EUROPE.

The Good:

I believe Bernie Kosar when he says they’re in good shape. He has dancers wearing his jersey. They can’t be worse. I almost have math to back that up. They’ve upgraded in terms of talent. They have a rivalry trophy with Columbus! Rivalry trophies rock me in the manner of a tropical depression.

The Bad:

They’re still not great. They haven’t moved to an easier division. At all. Hi, Dallas, Philly, Columbus, and New York. They were 2-14 last year, and while I’ll freely admit that my knowledge of the ups-and-downs of this league is limited, that sounds like an uphill battle. They failed to rename themselves, and I was really hoping they would.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

4-12, not so much with the playoffs. Maybe 5-11. This was a hard prediction, because… I’m incompetent, I guess.

Wait, Playoffs? Really? Now? How Many Teams Make It? What?

It feels like we’ve been jabbering about teams’ chances in the playoffs for weeks and weeks and weeks. That’s probably because it’s an easy cover-up for us not really knowing what we’re talking about. But now, we’re almost there! I didn’t even know how many teams made the playoffs in each conference until J and I had a too-lengthy phone conversation about it last week, and realized we had no idea. (Oh, the answer? 6.)

Breaking it down, after the thing.