Reader Suggestion Theater: Things for Utah’s Mascot to do

Chief of the Utah Blaze is challenging YOU, dwindling Utah Blaze fans, to challenge HIM to entertain YOU during what could be the Blaze’s fifth-straight LOSS versus Georgia this Saturday, and per his page, the front office doesn’t want to see him lit on fire unless you really REALLY want it.

Our ideas thus far:

• Attempt the drop-kick-field-goal …um, while jumping off a trampoline
• Boxing match with giant fire hydrant
• Showing the defense how to stop a third or fourth down conversion
• Any of the above with something on fire

Leave your suggestions in the comments - if you’re so inclined, suggest them directly to the man dog himself here.

¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.

New Orleans: only the strong survive

The decision was made to leave Chicago at 7:30 and drive straight through to New Orleans. This means that right now, we look and feel like zombies.

The pictures that we’ve taken so far are enormous, and I have to size them down to be useful.

However, everyone has bent over backwards to help us out, and we do have these:

We’ll be funny eventually, I swear it. Right now, Joe’s having severe difficulties with his wifi, and I’m hungry and cranky. Other highlights, in photo form:

Joe doesn’t like getting cut off at 12:40 AM in the middle of nowhere, IL.

 

I am cranky - it is 7:30 AM, and I’ve slept in a bucket seat.

However, all is ultimately forgiven as we shower and hit Media Day, which was a hoot. We’ll recap that with video and photos as soon as Joe edits down the video. Until then:

 

This is really small, but we’re wandering around on the field…

 

Finally:

I know this is small and blurry, but can anyone help us figure out what female ESPN personality this is? We’re baffled. I’ll make the picture bigger, but sadly, not less blurry…

 

More to come, including: We’re Tremendously Awkward!

Kings of the road

Ladies(…) and Gentleman, the time is here. In a scant few hours, TC and yours truly will embark on a voyage to New Orleans that promises to be filled with 14 hours of evading state police forces, drag racing gun-toting southerners with Confederate flags painted on their hoods, hours of mind-numbing uncomfortable silence, and a pair of severely chaffed asses. Waiting on the other side of that long, lonesome road is a weekend that promises endless shenanigans of a family-friendly nature, including, according to the ceaseless flood of press releases in our email accounts,

• A media afternoon with full access to the players and coaches of both teams, and (what we’ll be most excited about following our drive) a lunch catered by Zea’s, who, among other accolades, won 2^nd place in the 2005 Lafayette LRA Chocolate Indulgence Competition for their signature Chocolate Glaze Hot Chicken Wings.

• The Discover Card Fan Fest, which on Sunday will feature AFL mascots and player autographing sessions, the 82^nd Airborne (All-American Chorus), a dance performance by Aaron’s Dream Team, and concerts by Fleure D’Lis, Soul Rebels, and No Idea. The best part of this release is the bullet item “5pm – No Idea Concert” which tickles us in all the right grammatical places.

• The game lead-off singing of the National Anthem led by, no joke, Miss America 2007 Lauren Nelson.

In addition, we’ll also be privy to the 2^nd annual AFL combine, a trip to the Children’s Hospital in New Orleans, and a STYX concert, all with legitimate press passes. Can anyone say interview with Aaron’s Dream Team member Charlee?

You say your favorite movie is “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? Why, I just happen to have a copy of the shooting draft and a Charlie Kauffman action figure, plus I’ve had children tell me I look like Jim Carrey!

Check in with us as we’ll be posting as frequently as possible throughout the weekend. We hope you’re ready for gratuitous use of our first-ever tag, “the worst idea ever”.

And by “worst”, we naturally mean “best”.

Arena Bowl XXI: In Which We Become Credentialed Members of the Media

We’re Going.

The Wild Card games: reportedly they will be ‘wild’

Likewise your other co-editor needs to apologize for a lack of activity around here heading into the playoffs. I blame a very busy work week/weekend capped off by a mid-week trip to San Diego - which ended with yours truly waking up at 5:30 to catch a flight, which would have been a painless venture had I not woken up drunk and naked with cartoons blaring from the television. Needless to say, the AFL ranks a little lower on the Priority Ladder than trying to not be drunk and naked in San Diego.

Anyhow, we have four games this weekend - exciting match ups between teams that limped through the regular season, playing somewhere between “acceptably decent” and “somewhat reminiscent of slightly more than mediocre”.

ESPN is likewise so excited for the weekend’s games that in addition to Monday Night (Arena) Football on ESPN2 (Utah vs. Los Angeles), Philly versus Orlando is on ESPN Friday night, and Saturday’s action is the afternoon lineup on ESPN. You can also catch the games on tape delay on ESPN at 2am if you’re not in the mood to spend the first weekend of July indoors. Looks like I’m dusting off the ol’ VCR.

FRIDAY: ORLANDO vs PHILADELPHIA

Squads JBJ and Other Gruden only squared off once this season, but when they did, Orlando was rolled up like an illegal substance and smoked by Philly, courtesy of a non-mangled Tony Graziani, who led the Soul to a 63-49 victory. Why is this important, you ask? Because it was last week. PREDICTION: Philly advances, we lose our Other Gruden jokes for the rest of the year.

SATURDAY: COLUMBUS AT TAMPA BAY

By the numbers, these teams are on the same level. Take into account the glory and majesty of Turku Trojans veteran Brett Dietz, who led the Storm to an 8-1 record since suiting up (including a win over Philly), and what we have to look forward to is a good ol’ fashion beat down. PREDICTION: Dietz’ first game was against Columbus, a narrow win of 34-32.  This one will not be that close.

COLORADO AT KANSAS CITY

Raymond “SillyName” Philyaw won 4 of the Brigade’s last 5 games of the season - but the final game was a crushing loss at the hands of the Chicago Rush. Regardless, KC has the home field advantage (they routinely draw more fans than the Royals)(I have no idea if that is actually true, but it wouldn’t surprise me) and Colorado is on a 4-game skid. PREDICTION: Colorado beat Kansas City both times they met in the regular season, but it was by margins of 4 and 3 points. Saturday’s W is going to the home team.

MONDAY: UTAH AT LOS ANGELES

When the dust settles from this shootout, it’s altogether possible that the game will be decided by whoever scores last (insert your own “bad at scoring”/”mediocre at sex”/”AFL < NFL when it comes to picking up strippers” joke here). While Exploding Peep Head Joe Germaine has had flashes of brilliance for Utah, LA has had better luck staying in close games, even though LA lost 47-37 to Utah last week. PREDICTION: This one kind of beats the hell out of me. Grandpa Gary says Utah. Works for me.

Also, it looks like TC and I may attend Arena Bowl XXI after all. We’ll keep you updated on how we do, as this would make the best use of our “the worst idea ever” tag to date. Even worse than trying to catch a flight out of San Diego while drunk and naked.

Messrs. Hambrecht, Armstrong, and Cuban? Miguel Cervantes Called…

…He already wrote this story.

So, this UFL thing? Our thoughts, after this clicky thing:

What every mother wants for Mother’s Day

Yes, you’re seeing that right. It’s an Official Spalding Arena Football League Football. And it’s pink.

The AFL, in a move that came from the right place, has decided that over this coming weekend, 

Each participating team will present pink balls to unsuspecting mothers in attendance while also auctioning off autographed balls on http://www.arenafootball.com/. Non-autographed game balls and micro footballs will also be on sale online. A percentage of proceeds from the auctions and sales will benefit The V Foundation for Cancer Research.

The AFL gets props for donating proceeds to cancer research. And I, for one, would love to see the look on my mother’s face if a) I took her to an AFL game for Mother’s Day, and b) she was randomly given a football that bears a resemblance to a Strawberry Yogurt NutriGrain bar. Being the good mom she is, she’d probably give the ball to me; in turn, I’d be on the immediate business end of ceaseless harassment and beatings for owning a pink football.

However, there is one person I think that could make good use of this. She just happens to be related to one Joe Thomas.

If you’re so inclined, you can purchase a Mother’s Day AFL football here.

If your mother prefers the NFL, you can purchase goodies like Oakland Raiders earrings here, and read about something nice the 49ers did here.

Donate directly to cancer research here.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I promise not to take you to a football game!

But I might buy you some of these fantastic earrings.

You Know Who Else Was a Dark Horse? James K. Polk.

In the annals of questionable decisions, electing to create a blog about the Arena Football League ranks as pretty ludicrous. We knew this: very few things could guarantee us fewer readers for our clever-ish writing. Another thing we know: we’re not going to be mistaken for a latter-day Adonis any time soon. Therefore, when the Ladies… announced that they’ve decided to form a “Hot Bloggers Bracket,” I immediately said, “It would be a terrible idea to enter ourselves! It’s ideal!” J-F responded, “It’s like they’re the soccer-team high school clique and as AFL bloggers, we’re like the Dungeons and Dragons crew,” and lo, it was to be.

Mind you, we’re not monstrous; in fact, there have been ladies (small “l” for now, perhaps a capital “L” later?) who find us downright attractive. One girl, specifically, found us both attractive, each in our own unique way, as we are not twins. Maybe Twins, but not twins. And only one of us would want to be a Twin. And I’m not fat and bald, like Danny Devito. But I digress. What we may lack in, say, abdominal definition and, in my case, what the Europeans refer to as “Height,” we certainly make up for in wit. It’s rapier-like, as I’m sure you’re aware … ladies.

Since we have to submit photos, here are some of us being harmless, delightful chaps, occasionally in a sporting context.

The Official IT’S STILL FOOTBALL Mock Draft

What would happen if the AFL both had a draft, and held it before the NFL’s? Clint Dolezel would be living in Ryan Leaf’s shadow.

Draft order was determined by overall record as of last week, ties were broken by total points scored and allowed over the season. This is a terrible idea. Let’s just go: