Liveblogging Arena Bowl XXI

It’s here! Really! All times Central!

1:33 - Fort Bragg’s Army Chorus is singing “America the Beautiful.” They’re really good. They know the second verse! I didn’t know there was a second verse. Or this third verse, that’s really really fast. We totally could end the sectarian violence in Iraq, if we sung at them. The bad guys’d be all, “Why didn’t you tell us this earlier? America sounds great! Purple mountains, you say?” I don’t know the second song they’re singing, but it sounds Country. Oh, it’s that “Freedom Isn’t Free” song. Right? No, wrong. Crap. “I’m an American Soldier.”

Wow. They’re having guys take the oath of enlistment on the field. I really respect the shit out of the United States Armed Forces. Hopefully they get to watch the game before they go to boot camp.

1:41 - Apparently, Neil Patrick Harris is playing trumpet in some Army Jazz Band called “Swamp Romp.” This is the weirdest thing ever. Okay, it’s not Doogie Howser, but a reasonable facsimile. The lead guy kind of looks like Sean Penn. The combination of army fatigues and Dixieland Jazz and the doppelgangers of NPH and Sean Penn is going to make my head explode.

 

1:46 - I want to have one of these pregame montages made about my life. It’s the best part of any sporting event. Try to deny that. You can’t. In other news, I need to get the Batman Begins soundtrack. Holy shit. The game ball was delivered by guys rapelling down from the rafters.
1:50 - Introductions are set to the hip-hop version of Carmina Burana. I think Carl Orff is all right with that. Columbus enters the stadium. We’ve switched to Click Click Boom - it’s a little more traditional. They stole their fire from the Harry Potter movies it’s all color-changing and what-not. Whee! Indoor fireworks, the whole thing. Good times.

If you’re curious, the crowd seems to be weighted towards the San Jose two-dozen. But there are still a surprising amount of empty seats, so that could change. Columbus fans might just be institutionally tardy. Joe says that, based on the tunnel exits, San Jose’s got this one.

1:54 - Presentation of the colors, etc. I’m typing standing up. It’s monstrously awkward. Just like my life. Miss America 2007 sings the National Anthem. She’s pretty. There are wolf-whistles from the crowd that would seem to support this hypothesis. She does a good, if a little logy, rendition.

1:58 - The best thing that ever happened to sports montage makers was the release of Pirates of the Carribean. There are little shrines to Klaus Badelt in all their homes.

2:01 - It is pretty fucking loud in here. The standard “Make some noise” scoreboard exhortation is subheaded with “You’re on national TV!!!” Hee! The mascots and Aaron’s Dream Team are taking the field now. We’ll eventually address this, but they range from the reasonable (the Blaze’s dalmation) to the horrifying (New Orleans’ Skeletor-guy, and both of Georgia’s… things). Aaron’s Dream Team, however, are very pretty.

2:04 - Before Klaus Badelt, arena sound and video guys had The Alan Parsons Project. Bwwwaaaaah…. Bwaahhhhh…. Doo noo noo, doo noo noo…

2:05 - Tails never fails. Columbus will kick.

2:06 - Jock Jams? Really? Michael Buffer also was canonized along with Badelt, Alan Parasons Project, and Rock and Roll Part II. But seriously: Jock Jams? Is this 1997?

Okay, so with 1:00 to game time, this place is at about 2/3 capacity. For being sold out, that’s kind of weird. Hey - San Jose fans brought their cowbells! Remind me how cowbells relate to San Jose or smilodons californis? Also, 1:00 to game time was a dirty lie. That timer expired about 90 seconds ago. LIES! What makes you lie, scoreboard?

2:11 - KICKOFF!

Kickoff returned to the 17. The atmosphere is, to be cliche, electric. Grieb gets moving. You can tell he’s been here before.

Three incomplete passes to the corners of the end zone, one that might have been flag-worthy, but they were safely out of the hands of any player. It’s not like the story Grieb told at media day about his first game when, seeing no one open, he tried to throw the ball out the back of the end zone, as you do, but forgot about the nets back there, and was picked off.

Touchdown SaberCats - Brian Johnson, who was a late addition to the starting lineup, barrels in. 7-0 San Jose, 11:09 left in the first.

2:18 Josh Bush returns the ball out of the end zone, and finds space due to a block in the back. Nagy’s going to have to start from the 3 and a half.

Nagy to Groce results in not only a first down, but Groce’s head being nearly taken off by Marquice Floyd. They have words after the play. Nagy completes a pass to Magner, after staring a hole through his helmet. Hey, San Jose, the guy Nagy’s STARING at is the guy he’s going to throw to.

George Williams bats the ball down at the line. If he had two hands on that, you could’ve added 6. Fortunate. A battle of wills at the 1…

2:23 - Touchdown, Destroyers! A relatively large man crashes through the line for the TD. I don’t know. XP is good, 7-7, 6:33 left in the first. 4:14 was the time of the drive, and Harold Wells was the relatively large man. Thanks, disembodied press box voice!

Let me tell you something else, dear readers: ESPN broadcasts mean a metric fuckton of commercials. The players are antsy, the fans are antsy, we’re antsy. Let’s get back to scoring points with extreme prejudice!

2:26 - Kickoff returned to the 20. Peter Martinez was setting up to blow up another lengthy return, but one too many jukes stopped the return.

It’s my favorite play in Arena Football: the motion man (Wright) is about 17 yards offsides. That’s a paddlin’.

2:29 - I’m also going to take this time to mention that the Aaron’s Dream Team have changed out of their relatively heinous - hang on -

Touchdown, SaberCats! That was fast. Holy hell, that’s a pretty fade thrown by Grieb. 14-7, San Jose. 3:11 remains.

Anyway, the cheerleaders changed out of the relatively heinous Aaron’s ketchup-and-mustard colored uniforms and into their team-specific attire. That means ISF Most Favored Cheerleader Brooke has broken out the chaps. Good times.

[Update: Joe got a photo. This is what we in the business call "teamwork." It's heartwarming.]

Ooh, records montage: 166 receptions, first ever 2000-yard season, a bunch of first downs… Siaha had a pretty good season. I guess that’s why he was the offensive player of the year

2:33 - Kickoff returned to the 7. Let’s see who Nagy can overthrow on this drive. He’s a nice guy, but let’s face it: he’s a little wild with his heaves.

Alan Harper not only jumps offsides, but makes it all the way to Nagy, who backpedals like a maniac, but to no avail. Harper makes like he just intended to give Nagy a friendly hug, and the offensive line requests politely that he disentangle himself from their quarterback.

There we go! Our first incidence of a receiver having his head snapped back by the unforgiving wall! Magner makes the diving catch and leads with his head into the wall. That’ll take us to the end of the quarter.

Wait, WHY IS THERE AN ADT TRUCK ON THE FIELD? Has there been a break in? Did someone forget to punch in the code when they came into the arena?

Oh, it’s just some ADT guy with the Defensive Player of the Year Award. Mr. White seems pleased with his trophy. You know that if he moves up to the League, that’s turning into a doorstop. And it’s not even going to stop an important door; it’s going in the third bedroom or something.

2:41 - Top of the 2nd quarter, and if Cole Magner uses 2 hands, that’s a touchdown.
Hey, Brandon Heflin set the arena post-season league record for tackles with 38 just now. Thanks, disembodied press box voice!

Nagy, totally fucked, scrambles for an eternity and then throws the ball into the stands. A jumpy SaberCat linebacker leaves the stupid linebacker box, so all his team’s defensive pressure was for naught.

2:43 - We are not very good at keeping quiet in the press box. It’s open to the stands, which means we’re not getting in trouble. So, that’s good. The reason I bring this up is that there was a pass-interference call in the end zone, we both went “Oooh,” and immediately looked at each other, and then around to see if anyone noticed.

Nagy apparently took hardcount lessons from Tony Graziani last week, because he just pulled the entire defensive line offsides. On the ensuing play, the SaberCats defense just smothers Johnson at the line.

[Note: Sorry for the delay, guys, the network here isn't very fast.]

2:47 - Touchdown, Destroyers! Hilliard - an offensive lineman, mind you, pulls in the lob pass, and Nagy’s a-dancin’. 14-14, 10:03 remains in the second.

2:50 - San Jose returns the kickoff for a touchdown! Please don’t make us go back to commercial… Oooh, A.J. Haglund misses the extra point. That’s going to come back to haunt them. 56-yard return for Trestin (really? That’s his first name?) George. 20-14, SaberCats, 9:06 remains in the half.

2:53 - Well! Josh Bush has to get tackled by San Jose K and diminutive Casanova A.J. Haglund to avoid back-to-back touchdown returns.

Interception, Clevan Thomas. We’re going the other direction. That’s the mistake San Jose was looking for. If San Jose scores on this drive, well, let’s just say they don’t give up those sorts of leads easily…

2:57 - I just realized how much we relied on the TV feeds for these liveblogs in the past. If we can’t make fun of the Team of Mike or listen in to coach-player arguments, we have to talk about the game. Weak. On that note: Grieb buys himself some space, and completes two quick passes. He’s getting hit a wee bit after these plays, but nobody seems to mind.

Hm. An elusive Rodney Wright is dragged into the wall by his pads, which apparently is a personal foul. That pushes the SaberCats inside the five, where they traditionally have a little bit of difficulty. Indeed, three consecutive rushes don’t go anywhere. 4th and 1, and they’ll go for it.

While we have an equipment time out so they can fix Mr. Johnson’s helmet (I think), I’m also calling shenanigans on the “EA Sports Noise Meter.” That needle started moving before anyone made any sound. If you can’t trust your scoreboard graphics, what can you trust?

4th and 1: Touchdown! Grieb, inventive, scores with a sweet shovel pass to somebody while scrambling for his life. XP is good, 27-14, San Jose, 3:01 left in the half. Who was that receiver, disembodied press box voice? George Williams? Thank you.

3:06 - My co-editor is manning the comments and whatnot, and says I should say hi to Detective Bunk, TSW, jcompton, et al. So, hello to our readers. I hope this is reaching you in somewhat contemporaneously with the actual action.

Josh Bush really wants to get out of the end zone on the kickoff, but is unable to.

Nagy throws a bomb that I initially thought was just a really shitty pass, but it turns out he got killed on the play. I’m an excellent analyst. But it turns out I’m vindicated, as they ran the same play again (Nagy to Groce, deep), and he overthrows Groce by 10 yards.

Hot dogs will be available at halftime in the rear of the left press box! That’s where we are! Free food? Awesome. Also awesome is the montage of the 2007 Hits of Doom. I can’t decide whether or not the gasps of horror from the crowd are piped in or not.

This would be where we’d be told that there’s no punting in Arena Football. Wait, what the fuck just happened? It looks like Peter Martinez fell down… was that some kind of fake? He fell into the ball, it squirted out to the 3-ish, some Columbus player picked it up and carried it a couple yards, and everyone reacted like this was perfectly normal.

And once again, San Jose’s struggling inside the red zone - however far that actually is. Oh, and that turns out to be an understatement: fumble, recovered by Columbus. We’re going the other way, but there’s only 29 seconds left in the half… Will it be enough?

3:18 - Nagy, dumped by Ron Jones. Time out, Columbus. I wish I could be listening to Coach Wilford Brimley and Matt Nagy right now. Somebody tell me what they’re arguing about this time. Those two wacky kids. Will they ever make it work?

Nagy, with the rarely-utilized 17-step drop, throws 15 yards behind Bush. Holding, defense. That’s a gift to Columbus. :16 left, and Columbus has 34 yards to travel.

Matt Nagy and the Destroyers have to burn a time out, and it looks like Nagy’s donned his crabby pants for the game. He looks, from up here, more unhappy than an Illinois Nazi standing outside of Wrigley Field.

Short pass, the wall stops the clock with less than a minute left in the half.

WELL! Fan interference, much? A Douchey Adam Brody-esque kid falls into the field of play and breaks up the pass with his noggin. The good news is that he almost killed himself doing it, and that would’ve served him right. Though it’s hard to apply life lessons that are lethal. I appreciate alliteration. That’s going to force a field goal as the half ends which is… missed.

Your halftime score: 27-14, San Jose.

Your halftime entertainment: The Rebirth Brass Band. If these are the guys we have to thank for the irritating Arena Bowl commercials, I’m going to have an aneurysm.

Re: the hot dogs, I’ve been trying to remember the Eddie Izzard bit. Sadly, the hot dogs… are. They’re hot dogs, and they ran out of buns. You could’ve added chili to your dog, were you so inclined.

3:39 - Were starting the second half. Bush dances on the return to the 7. By the way, reports of a sell-out were exaggerated, at best. There are sections that are largely empty in the 300-level, and there’s a lot of seats free in the lower level as well.

They finally almost manage the Nagy-Groce bomb, but Groce is interfered with and can’t come down with it. First down on the penalty.

Apparently the halftime plan was to incorporate a lot of the screen-and-make-moves play. Who’s running this offense, Gary Crowton? John Shoop?

Cole Magner just made the play of the afternoon out of a spectacular fuck-up. Tipping it to yourself always makes the highlight reel, but when you tip it to yourself and have to lay out to complete the catch, that’s really cute.

3:45 - Again, Columbus misses out on a TD catch by trying to make it one-handed. Le sigh. The screen-and-scramble brings up 4th down and goal.

Touchdown, Destroyers! The crowd is surprisingly subdued at this development. If there’s one thing arena QBs can do, it’s throw the lob fade to the corner of the end zone. 27-21, San Jose, and there’s 8:09 left in the 3rd

According to the disembodied press box voice, total tickets sold: 17,056, with 15,147 the turnstile attendance. Capacity is 19,000. That’s your sell-out, AFL? Weak sauce. However, both of the records are neutral-site Arena Bowl records. Though I’m going to have to do some research on where the Las Vegas Arena Bowls were actually held, to see if there’s a limiting condition there.

3:50 - Kickoff returned to the 11. Hee: on the first down, the down marker falls over. Because they just lean it against the wall, you know. How Ben Nelson (who we talked to and is awesome) got wide open, I will never know, but he did, and brings San Jose to the 8. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re in the Zone of Molasses. Though Grieb did try to mix it up by throwing a pass off the net. A somewhat specious pass interference call on that play gives San Jose a new set of downs, and rousts 6 or 7 San Jose fans to ring their cowbells.

3:54 - For those of you curious, now they’re recycling crowd noise.

Grieb completes a nice fade pass in the end zone… to a large-ish VooDoo fan. Next play, touchdown, Grieb to Nelson. Ben Nelson slips his defender, and trots in unmolested. XP is good, 34-21 San Jose, 3:06 left in the third.

Oh, in more Aaron’s Dream Team news, there’s a crazy-eyed redhead in this group, which is ordinarily my wheelhouse. I don’t know how I missed that before.

3:58 - Fuck you, Media Time Out. We just HAD a timeout when San Jose scored. They’ve used up all the cool montages already. Worse news: we get the Arena Football videogame ad that Joe hates again, so it looks like he might kill someone.

Josh Bush gets OBLITERATED after catching Nagy’s pass. Any “Ooooh” you heard was real. That’s the most noise this crowd’s made in 18 minutes of game time.

4:01 - As Nagy can’t find anyone open, he languidly flips the ball into the stands, and everyone in the area has the damnedest time catching it. It seriously bounces off no less than 8 pairs of hands before landing in the aisle. Joe makes a good point: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if, on a play like that, he just stopped, turned and handed the ball to whatever fan he was standing next to?”

Once again, the Groce bomb is incomplete. Once again, there’s a little pass interference (this time, not called). Once again, they run the same play, and this time it works: touchdown, Columbus. Martinez clangs the extra point, and it’s 34-27 as the quarter ends.

It’s a one-score game as we enter the 4th quarter. I’m as surprised as you are. “It doesn’t feel like a one-touchdown game, does it?” Joe asks.

The City of New Orleans is thanked by the AFL, and it gets a nice cheer. The contest in between quarters is the old “Kick a field goal, win a trip” game, and the guy misses wide He had the height and distance. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.

Also of note: this crowd is pretty notably weighted towards Columbus. Now that their team is showing signs of life, so are their fans.

4:08 - Kickoff is almost mis-managed off the post, but San Jose hauls it in. For some reason, they just started gradually turning the lights in the press box up, and it’s driving me insane.

Grieb to Nelson, Grieb to Roe, Grieb to Roe, Grieb to Roeand I don’t think San Jose’s screwing around anymore. 1st and Goal, SaberCats.

Nice flip to Roe, and the San Jose bench wants the touchdown, but the ball is spotted inside the 1.

The next play is run in by Phil Glover, and the refs don’t call the touchdown for what seems like an eternity. That was weird. The XP is good, 41-27 San Jose, 10:28 left in the game.

I’m enthralled by the Best of ESPN Miked-up. I take back everything I said about them being out of good montages. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: they should broadcast a feed on, like, HBO, so we can include all the language.

4:17 - Columbus starts their drive, and they have to make a move right now. A move that does not include Nagy skipping a pass to his wide receiver. Incidentally, the cowbells are back out.

Interception, Omar Smith, who then takes a nap on the ball in celebration. Using the ball as a pillow: that’s a really underrated celebration. The San Jose faithful just made a relatively shocking amount of noise: I had assumed something had poisoned all of them, because they had been pretty quiet.

Bryant Gumbel, circa 1986, sighting! The old SportsCenter broadcasts of Arena Football just got shown here. That was great.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to vote for the players of the game now. This is silly.

Okay, so I’ve voted for Mark Grieb as Offensive Player of the Game and MVP. Omar Smith get my vote for Defensive Player of the Game, and Phil Glover as Ironman of the Game. I wish I could think of somebody on Columbus to vote for, because it’s always interesting when a player from the losing (I think it’s safe to assume at this point) team wins something.

4:26 - Touchdown, Grieb to Roe. That’s a 1:26 drive, gang. Columbus fans are starting to file out, there’s a small section of the San Jose crowd singing “Whoomp, There It Is.” I’m serious. I can hear them because they’re pretty much the only ones making any significant noise.

4:28 - The kickoff is returned just out of the end zone, so Nagy starts in the shadow of his own goalposts. It occurs to me that that statement only makes sense when there are goalposts and when you’re outside with light that produces shadows. While I took the time to type that, Nagy actually moved 30 yards.

Some illegal formation penalty that I’m not familiar with takes five yards off of that, and Nagy tries to make that penalty pointless with a dart into the end zone. Whoever that was got murdered by the DB, and that’s pass interference. Nagy’s next pass into the stands is again mishandled by thirty-seven people. But the NEXT pass is a jump ball between David Saunders and a fan, and the fan wins! Saunders clobbers a poor little kid in the effort, but stands there for 20 seconds or so to make sure he’s okay. That’s pretty nice.

Touchdown, Nagy to Saunders, in rather pedestrian fashion. It’s a fake! Peter Martinez actually scrambles for 15-20 seconds, and flings it out the back of the end zone. He showed some moves there. You know, for a kicker. 48-33, San Jose, and we’re at the 1:00 warning.

4:37 - Marquis Floyd of the SaberCats comes down with the onsides kick, and the “Whoomp! There It Is” fans are now singing “Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye.” When they’re not singing, it’s just that sort of restless semi-silence.

4:40 - Brian Johnson runs it in for the touchdown, and that’s really, really, really going to do it for Columbus. Troy Reddick gets mysteriously flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. I wish I knew what he did. I was looking at other things.

4:41 - Ooh, shiny!

4:42 - The comedy comes in spades, as we get the “Fat Guy On the Jumbotron Lifts His Shirt and Manipulates His Belly To ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night,’” shot. :38 seconds left, 55-33, San Jose.

Columbus uses their last time-out. I start to think about how painful the drive home’s going to be. Perhaps we can find a Holiday Inn Express in Effingham, IL or something.

:16 left, and the San Jose bench starts celebrating.

Nagy is sacked, and that’ll do it. San Jose wins their third Arena Bowl title. Whee! 55-33, San Jose is your final score.

“Celebration?” Really? That song SUCKS.

4:49 - Postgame liveblogging, at no cost to you, the reader: They’ve set up a rope line, like they’re afraid somebody’s going to storm the field or something. I’d think if anything like that were to happen, it would’ve happened already. That’s weird.

Giant Commissioner David Baker is presenting the James Foster trophy. I think fans of New Orleans outnumber the fans of either team playing today.

HEE! David Baker called it the “All Fun League.” In your FACE, NFL! Here comes the confetti! That’s not coming out. To steal a joke - Glitter: The Herpes of Craft Supplies.

4:53 - Mark Grieb is your Arena Bowl XXI MVP. He wins a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder - which, incidentally, is the Official Car of the Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Football. - and is handed the keys by the president of Mitsubishi. He has to be INCREDIBLY confused: “What is this nonsense? I was told that your American Football is played on 100-yard fields! And what are those monstrosities in the end zones? I haven’t been this confounded since I was told it was in poor taste to refer to China as ‘Manchuko.’”

The award winners are all the guys I voted for. How nice. Meanwhile, the All Cliche League played “We Are the Champions” and, though they resisted for the rest of the game, they broke out “Rock & Roll, Part 2.” Oh well.

Well, that’s it. Look for other nonsense from Arena Bowl Weekend tomorrow, and then we’ll see what’s next. This was fun: thanks for your kind attention, gang. I’m out.

Live Blogging the Conference Championships: Chicago at San Jose

Full disclosure: this live blog is coming to you more than 24 hours after the fact as I unexpectedly had to leave town and had very little access to AFL broadcasts and internet connectivity, but I’ve been able to keep myself in a media blackout and have no idea what happened in this game. Also on the plus side - last night I managed to prove my virility to anyone in eyesight as I won a giant stuffed cheetah after shooting the star out of a paper target using a BB gun fashioned to look like something employed by Al Capone in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So, J wins. A giant stuffed cheetah.

Anyhow: let’s see if D’Orazio is able to complete this game without the use of crutches, or if the refs break down and let him QB the game by using a golf cart on the field (prediction - they’ll let him use it, but he can’t drive it over 5 miles an hour).

In the locker room, D’Orazio is wrapped up like a spring roll and waddling like a duck - “No worries, I do this all the time”. Yikes. James Browns’ “The Big Payback” is blasting in the SaberCat’s locker-room - this doesn’t bode well for Chicago, given they knocked off San Jose in the playoffs last year (according to the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network).

My favorite soap star Mark “Check Out My Goatee” Schlereth is calling the game with Trey “I Look Kind of Like Matt Lauer Before His Haircut” Wingo. Fantastic. They compare the San Jose-Chicago rivalry to the one with the Colts-Patriots… whatever, I’ll give it to Trey.

Bobby Sippio and Clevan Thomas have a simultaneous interview in which they’re asked if they’re ready to play. Both gents mumble “yeah” with a level of enthusiasm that screams “I really wish you’d interview me after I did something good on the field instead of right before the kickoff, announcer dudes.”

14:24 - D’Orazio hobbles onto the field after the kickoff, and his flak jacket looks a little poofier than usual. His first pass attempt is slapped down by a San Jose defender, but an offsides penalty gives Chicago 5 free yards. A SaberCats fan that reminds me of my grandmother uses (REALLY) a ref puppet and a SaberCat puppet to mime her displeasure from her post on the sideline - she basically has the SaberCat doll hump the ref.

I. Am. Weirded. Out.

14:09 - Sippio drops an easy pass on the sideline, I blame the cowbells that apparently symbolize fanship of the SaberCats. Maybe Darren Arbet is a big fan of Blue Oyster Cult?

12:33 - Woah - in the time it took me to Google the above video, Sippio had what appeared to be a diving TD grab called incomplete after a San Jose defender knocked it from his hands following being down by contact in the endzone (lousy call by the zebras), and on the subsequent play D’Orazio over-shoots Sippio - INT. About 4 seconds after he releases the ball, D’Orazio is blindsided, but the INT isn’t called back because the late hit was after the interception. I’m about to start spewing Dan-Rather-esqe backwoods platitudes about how angry this makes me as a resident Chicagoan.

12:01 - After a slight miscue for Grieb on his first pass attempt of the game, Trey says that both the QBs aren’t quite playing like themselves. Which, of course, you could judge after the first pass attempt of the game. Trey obviously has played pro ball and I have not.

10:51 - Grieb throws his second-almost TD - thus far, the Chicago secondary is looking good - not letting the SaberCats get behind them. And of course, as I wrote that Grieb finds Nelson all alone mid-field setting up a 3rd and 1. The Rush make up for it by forcing a 4th and 2 - TD pass incomplete, Chicago takes over in their own territory. Since I’m watching on TC’s Tivo (even though he’s kicking it old school at his parent’s house (?)) I don’t need to watch commercials. The consumerist in me dies a little.

9:05 - Coach Ho totally doesn’t look like he was hit by a car earlier in the season.

8:43 - Trey and Mark inform us that Sippio is “twisted steel / football appeal” - Trey calls out Mark on probably being up all night thinking of that little half rhyme. I’d throw up in my own mouth if they weren’t right about Bobby.

7:04 - D’Orazio is not throwing so well - almost as though his back is a giant bruise - but Sippio makes an over-the-shoulder TD reception… I am amazed. “Twisted steel / football appeal” indeed - they’ve now uttered the phrase about three billion times. Chicago strikes first, leading 7-0.

5:58 - The Rush almost pick up a fumbled kickoff in the end zone, which would have made me feel a little better about D’Orazio hunched over like… a hunchback, I suppose. Sadly the Rush don’t come up 14-0.

4:12 - Grieb makes the mistake of trying to scramble a la Steve Young and gets tossed into the boards sideways for his efforts. It seems to get him calmed down a bit, as he throws a 20-yard TD three plays later.

2:09 - I feel a lot less bad about linking to the cowbell video, as after Trey mentions that following the TD pass, the bells that had been strangely silent starting rattling again, Mark says, “as it’s been said, these fans have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!” Trey says, I swear: “Mark Schlereth, ladies and gentlemen - a poet for the 21st century”. My brain is melting. PAT is good, San Jose ties it up 7-7.

:43 - Ugg. Rush WR Molden fumbles and turns it over to San Jose - D’Orazio is getting tossed around like a rag doll on the tail end of these plays - he gets hit by about three separate guys and takes a hit to his ankles, his knee, his arm, his shoulder, and his back. Maybe this is why my dad didn’t teach me to follow in the footsteps of one of my childhood heros, Joe Montana.

15:00 (second quarter) - Coach Ho gives an interview to the booth following the commercial break, and when asked how long he can leave D’Orazio in there when he’s taking hits like he is, Ho simply says, “Not too long, the way he’s getting hit out there”.

13:34 - After a long pass by Grieb, San Jose runs it in from the 2 to go up 14-7, using the “fat package” - this is funny because some of these football players, such as full backs that run in TDs, happen to be fat. On an unrelated note, TC’s aforementioned roommate Ryan (The Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Football) regales tales of his laundry situation and gracefully avoids telling me who won this game. Thanks, Official Yeti!

12:36 - Mark says D’Orazio looks like an 80 year old man out on the field - “no offense to any 80-year-old men out there” - and it looks like he won’t be able to handle too much more. He just overshoots a diving Sippio. Of course, it would have been a TD.

11:43 - Time for the EA Sports Scouting Report on Matt D’Orazio!

• Needs to overcome back pain
• Tendency to hold ball
• Competitive nature

He played under Jim Tressel at Youngstown State? I say this completely without irony - this is interesting. Apparently Tressel wanted him to be a TE, so Matt transferred to Otterbein. Maybe it’s just me, but I think D’Orazio looks a little small to play TE. Kind of like Devin Hester might be a little small to play WR. But that’s just me.

1 0:45 - 4th and 10 for Chicago - THERE IS NO PUNTING IN ARENA FOOTBALL! Mark and Trey explain, as we have many a time before, that really, if you just try a long FG it is exactly the same as a punt. Frantz’ kick is blocked - San Jose takes over on the Chicago 2. This will not go well for the Rush, especially if San Jose thinks “fat” - they do. Matt Kinsinger rumbles in for his second TD of the day, the SaberCats go up 21-7.

9:14 - San Jose’s kickoff goes into the stands - the Rush take over at their own 20. Old Man D’Orazio completes the first pass for about 6. On 3rd and 3, D’Orazio wings a sure TD from his back foot - and it slips right through Bobby’s hands. It’s his third dropped pass on the day, so the Rush react by… adjusting Sippio’s helmet? Seems to me you could just tell him to catch the ball. On the 4th down attempt, D’Orazio leads Sippio about 3 yards too far. D’Orazio hobbles back to the sideline.

5:58 - On San Jose’s first attempt, Jimmy Unertl makes a huge pick - I can almost hear D’Orazio groan as he tries to stand up after just sitting down. Commercial break - Casey Kane as a nomadic herder once again. Tee hee!

5:31 - WHAT JUST HAPPENED? D’Orazio throws directly to San Jose with not a Rush player in sight, but the INT is fumbled and Chicago takes over again… and then he throws another pick in the end zone. Trey and Mark have been discussing how Matt is selfless on the field and he’ll take himself if need be… I think he might take himself out after that one. Yikes.

2:51 - Under pressure, Grieb scrambles around and rather than trying to force it in to the end zone, he aims for San Francisco - completion to the stands! On the next play, San Jose gets in to the 7 for a first and goal.

1:15 - Phil Glover, a LB sometimes TE, makes a huge TD grab for the SaberCats, who go up 28-7. Not looking good for Chicago.

1:00 - Russ Michna, backup QB for Chicago, is heading in for D’Orazio. First play - he completes a 15-yard pass. Interesting tidbit - he spent some time slinging balls for the now-defunct Amsterdam Admirals. After completing another pass deep into San Jose territory, it’s clear he’s a journeyman. Your belated blogging guide is feeling a little better about Chicago’s chances in this.

22.1 - At the time out, the HP Pavilion was blasting “Hell’s Bells” - it must have gotten Michna pumped up, as he threw a bullet to Sippio in the corner of the end zone. Chicago starting to stage a comeback as they close the gap to 28-14. Russ Michna takes off his helmet and he looks about 14 years old. The SaberCat fans throw Sippio’s TD ball back to the field. I giggle.

16.8 - Don’t knock kickers - Frantz flings the return man into the boards to save a TD return. That was, without a doubt, the best thing I’ve seen thus far.

3.7 - Grieb throws the ball away after Chicago’s #1 defense doesn’t give him an open man - the FG attempt is wide right. At the half, it’s 28-14, San Jose.

HALFTIME STRATEGY REPORT

If Chicago wants a fighting chance, they should probably leave Michna in. San Jose should encourage their fans to continue to rock the cowbells. Whoever scores more points in the second half stands a good chance to win this game. Is it me, or do a lot of these AFL QBs (I’m looking at you, Grieb) look kind of old? Are they really bald, or do the helmets just rub off all their hair?

END HALFTIME STRATEGY REPORT

In the Chicago locker room, Coach Ho gives a pretty convincing pep talk. Mark and Trey say that the Rush have a shot if their D comes up big, which, coincidentally, is more or less what Coach Ho said.

14:49 - Frantz again runs the kick returner out of bounds, and they both almost go over the wall. Mark and Trey share my enthusiasm for this particular kicker - Mark says “I’m pretty sure he’s now my favorite kicker in the arena league”.

13:26 - Grieb hits Nelson in the end zone for an easy TD, and San Jose goes up by three scores, 34-14. Hopefully the missed PAT comes back to bite San Jose in the keister. If you’re rooting for the Rush, that is.

11:23 - Sippio pulls a major Reggie Bush at Fresno State and gets down most of the field on a short pass. Two plays later he almost pulls in a TD pass from Michna. Next play, shovel pass for a 3 yard TD, Chicago trails 34-21. Michna - looking very good. In terms of a football player. Playing well. This is awkward.

8:49 - Grieb gets sacked on the first play of the drive… am I sensing… a momentum shift?

8:00 - 3rd and 9 for San Jose - “THERE IS NO PUNTING IN ARENA FOOTBALL”. It doesn’t come to that, though, as San Jose gets a 1st down after a 14 yard pass.

6:59 - FUMBLE RECOVERY IN THE END ZONE! Chicago almost gave up a TD, but Alfonzo knocks the ball out of the hands of the receiver, and the Rush recover the fumble before it rolls out of the end zone (there aren’t walls on the ends of the field in San Jose) and gets the touch back. Momentum shift towards Chicago? Survey says… yes.

5:37 - Trey and Mark are starting to drool over Russ Michna - his stats in the game thus far are rather good - but on the next play he underthrows his receiver.

3:57 - Sippio pulls in a chain-moving reception, and the SaberCat fans go silent. I daresay Bobby is finding his rhythm, and not a minute too soon.

2:14 - Sippio draws a pass interference and gets the Rush to 1st and goal. Sippio runs the option from under center - what? - and Alfonzo gets the TD. The PAT is good, Chicago trails 34-28, and before I can type the platitude, Trey exclaims “We got ourselves a ball game!”

1:10 - Given this is an indoor field, it kind of unnerves me every time I see a player spit on the field. It’s not grass. The spit doesn’t just disappear here, folks.

At the end of the third, San Jose has a 1st and 10 at their own 15, and we are looking at one hell of a 4th quarter cooking up here.

14:52 - Rodney Wright pulls down a TD from Grieb to start out the 4th quarter. Chicago loses a little momentum as the PAT is good, San Jose jumping out to lead 41-28.

14:25 - Trey refers to Mark Schlereth as “Mark Schlereth” for maybe the fifth time this game, and after a nasty tackle by San Jose’s kicker, Mark says he’s starting to eat his words about kickers not being football players. Just like I’m eating my words about Columbus not standing a chance against Georgia.

12:48 - Michna pulls his own Steve Young to pick up about 20 yards, and gets clobbered at the end of the run. He jumps up unscathed, but throws a INT on the next play - San Jose will take over at midfield. When I blipbloop through the slow mo Russel Athletic ad, it appears to be normal speed. TC is not here, and Official Yeti Room Mate has gone to sleep, so I have no-one to share that with but you.

10:56 - San Jose gets another TD, and the momentum is perhaps starting to shift once again. The extra point is straight down the middle, San Jose leads 48-28.

9:50 - Michna overthrows Sippio - goodbye, sure TD. By the way, I was supposed to call TC at some point during the evening, but since it’s already way past our working man’s bed time, I’ll let him sleep. Sorry, TC. You’re my buddy!

7:37 - Okay. I’ll play Devil’s advocate even though it hurts - what would’ve happened if Michna had been put in sooner? Chicago is lolly-gagging between plays. Seems to me if you want to play in the Arena Bowl and you’re trailing by 20, you gots to pick up the pace.

6:27 - Sippio grabs a TD pass to shut me up. Chicago trails 48-35 after the extra point is good. With only a 13 point deficit and 6 minutes left, this could be far from over for Chicago.

6:04 - Oh dear. On-side kick is recovered by San Jose and run in for a TD that stands after the flag on the play was an offsides against Chicago. San Jose leads 54-35 after San Jose kicker Hagland tries to pass a fumbled long snap and rather than get hammered by Chicago at mid-field, flips a free souvenir into the stands.

4:43 - Chicago. You’re giving me a heart attack. STOP WALKING. Trey and Mark are flipping out. Mark says the Rush could use “a little pep in their step”. Sippio gets a TD pass - HURRY UP. PAT is good, 54-42. 3:18 left on the board. I’m wide awake, for the record, even though it’s rather late at the moment.

3:18 - Speaking from personal experience, you can’t try a lot of onside kicks late in the game. It didn’t work for the Wildcats in the Sun Bowl in ‘05, it’s not working for the Rush tonight. However, I forget that the clock never stops in this game. San Jose is going to bleed the clock after recovering the onside kick near midfield, and we’re already down to 1:55 when Chicago burns their first time out.

1:55 - Uh oh. I think TC’s Tivo may not have taped the end of the game. Tivo is showing about 4 minutes of recording left…

1:39 - Wow - Peters throws Grieb over the wall pretty blatantly, and Grieb lands hard on the concrete. We almost get a scuffle near the wall.

1:35 - Official Yeti Room Mate just crossed the hall to the bathroom. In his unda-wears. Hooray.

1:20 - Nail in the coffin for Chicago - Ben Nelson pulls down his fourth TD on the day, and as San Jose goes up 60-42, the Tivo runs out.

Judging by the box score, Chicago managed to get a TD in garbage time and held off San Jose, but at the final gun (I’m pretty sure they don’t fire off guns in the arena league) San Jose prevails 61-49.

The SaberCats played a strong 60 minutes here tonight (by which I mean yesterday afternoon), and Grieb will give the Columbus defense a lot to deal with come Arena Bowl XXI two weeks from today. I’m a little disappointed in the Rush for not completing the comeback, and a little more disappointed I’m getting up for work in about 5 hours. It’s been fun, kids. Stay in school! Respect your elders! Don’t spit on indoor turf!

The Conference Title Games: Columbus at Georgia

We’re sorry, Matt Cranky Pants Nagy. Saying that you had as good a chance of beating Dallas as Dan Qualye winning a spelling bee was obviously a mistake. We’re sorry we added to your crabbiness, and hope you give us some credit at ISF for adding some fuel to your ire fire. Get ready for us to do it again, because we’ll be jiggered if you beat your former Force squad on the road.

SATURDAY: Columbus at Georgia, ESPN, 12pm ET.

J SAYS: Kudos to Columbus for pulling a huge upset over the Desperados. Really. Good job. This week, you’re mincemeat. Georgia made the Soul O-line look holier than Pope Pius XII, or at least as holy as Carrie Underwood’s publicist would like you to believe, or as full of holes as Tommy Lee’s ears or Criss Angel’s face (note: I don’t think he actually has much in the way of piercings, but he just totally seems that way). Although my live-blog coverage of the Philly-Georgia game was Soul-centric, it was all Force, all the time. Overpowering defense, precision offense, mildly accurate kicking carried the day for Georgia. QB Chris Greisen will slap things and say ‘yeah!’. Head coach Doug Plank will crush Columbus with his steely Bears-gaze alone.

TC SAYS: Columbus got help from fate last week. You can’t count on that two weeks in a row. I could say the same things about Georgia this week as I did about Dallas last week, and I misplaced my faith in Philadelphia. I’m an idiot. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. They made Philadelphia play as smoothly as the countenance of Edward James Olmos. If we’re using actors in our analogies. And Philadelphia is measurably better than Columbus. The transitive property of sports insists that Columbus has no prayer. But we said that last week. Can the fury fueled by the scorn of a nation propel Columbus to two straight upsets?

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Just as the film Georgia Rule would have you believe (note: I know nothing about this film other than Lindsey Lohan was publicly berated for being late to set because of underage-drinking-related ‘dehydration’), Georgia rules. Columbus, it’s been interesting, but it’s time for the Buckeye state to start dreaming of the Horseshoe and maybe not choking when it counts, like Columbus will have no choice but to do in Force territory. (TC) You know who has to gag for this game to be won by Columbus, right? Chris Griesen, on his pregame meal. Also most of the defensive players for Georgia. Last week just goes to show you that anybody can win in any week in the AFL, because there are enough chances for weird bounces. That notwithstanding, Georgia is really talented, and Griesen’s playing at the highest level. Columbus is a fine team, and they can get the job done if enough momentum’s behind them (of note: Dallas didn’t score in the third quarter last week), but it’s asking a bit much to do it two weeks in a row.

J’S PREDICTION: Do you remember the part in ALIEN where Harry Dean Stanton is looking in a cargo bay and gets scared shitless by the cat, then looks up in the cables and promptly disappears? It might be something like that, except with the Destroyers (Harry Dean Stanton) and football (um, the alien, I guess… maybe the cat).

TC’S PREDICTION: I had to read that a couple times for the imagery to really do it for me. If you want to re-read J’s prediction and come back to this section, I’ll wait. [Silence.] Yeah. Georgia can book some hotel rooms in the French Quarter. Columbus can get eaten by aliens.

The Conference Title Games: Chicago at San Jose

The Conference’s two top seeds, in San Jose. What to say? A-OK! I can rhyme all the time. I’ll stop now, I mean it. Does anyone want a peanut? Aaargh.

SATURDAY: Chicago at San Jose, 4:00 PM  

TC SAYS: Well, well, well. It looks like a win-win situation for this prognosticator. If San Jose wins, I can continue my “I Told You So” Dance, and if Chicago wins, I can do my “My Hometown Team Is the Greatest” Dance. Let’s have a look - San Jose has been sturdy on defense all year (last week excepted), but nobody’s been stouter on that side of the ball than Chicago. On offense, Mark Grieb has quietly put up stellar numbers with consistency, and Matt D’Orazio has made noise by virtue of his wide reciever corps. The question, then, comes down to that of D’Orazio’s back, and who can keep their momentum going for four quarters? Also of concern - Chicago played on Monday, and is travelling to San Jose.

J SAYS: That plane ride from Chicago to San Jose is no picnic, my friends. It’s probably about as much fun as getting a cleat in the small of the back a la Matt D’Orazio. Maybe not as much, but the point being that Chicago, although resilient, is a little banged up not counting jet-lag. They played brilliantly last week, all things considered (so I hear from TC, I was on a Hot Movie Date), but San Jose has been solid all year long. This could be the battle royale I was looking for last Sunday when Philly was systematically destroyed by Georgia.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) We at ISF will brook no argument: the American Conference’s two best teams are meeting on Saturday. They played in week 2, and it was a dogfight. This comes down to what unit comes down to carrying their team on its back. By all rights, this should be the best game of the season to date, as both teams need to play nearly-flawlessly to get past the other. (J) Yes, this will be the best non-wildcard game of the playoffs thus far. It could be as simple as whoever forces the first error of the game will get to go to New Orleans next week.

TC’S PREDICTION: I like Chicago’s defense, but D’Orazio’s back isn’t getting any better, and they’ve only had 4 days to recover from the Los Angeles game, which was pretty physical. This game’s going to be decided in the 4th, and the healthier, more rested team is going to have the advantage there. It grieves me to say it, but San Jose moves on. No! I can’t! I must pick the Rush! Aaaagh. San Jose Chicago San Jose The SaberRush The Ru…Cats… Football wins, in a nailbiter. My nerves are shot, just trying to pick.

J’S PREDICTION: Hmm… it’s tough to call, but I think San Jose’s defense might get the best of D’Orazio’s pulsating lower back, but I’m not so sure I can call it against the hometown team. I’m picking San Jose with the hope that Sippio proves me wrong. And maybe answers a friendly phone call every now and again.

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn't have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Live-Blogging the Playoffs: Los Angeles at Chicago

So everyone is on the same page with this evening’s live-ish blog, there are a few things that I should mention. First is that I broke the 5th metatarsal on my right foot on Saturday evening, and I’m dealing with that. Good times. Second is that I’m also dealing with a miserable internet connection, so this should be really exciting. Third is that the Los Angeles Avengers and Chicago Rush are playing on the same night as the Home Run Derby, so we’ll be checking in with that from time to time, because I’m kind of curious. Chris Berman is consistently irritating, but I like watching people hit things a very long way. And Ryan Howard played trombone in high school, just like your editors. Also of interest to you may be this article in today’s Chicago Tribune.

All times are Central. Because that’s the way I roll.

It’s 7:16 PM, and ESPN2 will show irritating people playing Madden against each other for the next 14 minutes. I will spend the next 14 minutes with my foot elevated, wondering when the Motrin’s going to kick in. Also, ESPN is showing irritating people commenting on people hitting home runs. Justin Morneau isn’t doing particularly well yet. Ron Gardenhire is a crafty pitcher, apparently. Wait - there goes one to the deepest part of the ballpark. Berman instantly pulls out the “Back back backbackbackback,” schtick.

7:20 - Joe Morgan plus Chris Berman are inventing new ways to be annoying. There isn’t a lot of avenues for insightful commentary in the home run derby to begin with, but this is absurd.

7:23 - Chris Berman tells us that there’s no punting in Arena Football.

7:24 - Okay, I made that up, but it’d be cool. One anecdote, before I flip to the raison d’etre for this blog: we were in the Corner Bakery on Huron about 12 years ago, and there were some architect-types discussing their plans for a sports arena, and my dad, my sister and I were eavesdropping. Their idea for having right field abut San Fransisco Bay seemed like a pretty cool idea at the time. Indeed, we apparently were overhearing the pitch for AT&T Park in San Fransisco. May Holliday is now hitting home runs. COME ON, START THE DAMN PLAYOFFS.

7:29 - This Madden thing is shockingly annoying.

Oh, thank God. Footba- WAIT - WHAT? Matt D’Orazio has a back injury? That’s how you open your broadcast? No explanation, just an announcement that he as a back injury? Thanks, Merril Hoge and Mark Jones. Assholes. We have to wait for the “We’ve Got It Going On” montage to end to learn that a) this is the injury he suffered by stepping onto his fullback’s cleat (as referenced in the above-linked article) and b) he got a cortisone shot, just like in Any Given Sunday. I am not particularly reassured by listening to him run back into the tunnel saying “Hey, give me that shot. I really want that shot now.”

7:34 - Sonny Cumbie looks re-animated. Not re-invigorated; I mean he looks like a zombie.

7:35 - Los Angeles wins the toss, they’ll receive, and we’re on our way. Ingrahm gets swarmed at the ten. I really want to take my fucking cast off. Cumbie takes a shot to Lenzie Jackson waaaay downfield immediately, and Jackson can’t hang onto the ball. That may have been their shot, as Cumbie proceeds to hurl the ball into the bench and then Chicago gets a pick-six. All-Arena DB Jeremy Unertl puts Chicago up early. Extra point is good, 7-0, Chicago. 12:22 remains in the first.

7:39 - Hoge and Jones make a salient point about getting your first points from your defense being a mighty confidence boost, especially when Chicago’s in the situation they are with D’Orazio’s injury. Nicely done, gentlemen. Los Angeles starts back in the shadow of their goal line again. Quick completion to buy themselves some space, and then Cumbie magically gets away from what looked to be a certain sack.

7:42 - Shading? What the crap is that penalty? You have to line head-up on guys, apparently. 2nd and 5 for LA, and Cumbie airmails another pass into the stands. To say he doesn’t look comfortable would be an understatement. I think the next play they call is a “Wayne Brady,” and I’m trying to figure out how a pass to the middle of the field makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

7:44 - Sack, Chicago. Pressure’s coming pretty consistently, and the LA receivers aren’t getting any yards after the catch. Avengers have to take a time out. Something else that makes me laugh is that the LA coach still covers his face when radioing in a play. The dude’s miked - if Chicago really wanted to cheat and steal plays, they’d just listen to the ESPN feed, wouldn’t they?

7:46 - We’ll check in with the HR Derby. Pujols bombs one as the broadcast team is chatting with A-Rod. Please, make the joke regarding the pronunciation of Albert’s last name and A-Rod for me. A-Rod is much more entertaining on The Dugout. Back on the ranch, Los Angeles goes for it on 4th and 6, the pass is complete to Ingram, and Ingram is MURDERED, but hangs on to the ball, beyond any and all reason. The replay is horrifying. Somewhere, Ingram’s cousin isn’t even watching, and just went “Oh, OW! Jesus!” I’m relatively sure Ingram’s internal clock has been reset to 1964. By the way, that was a first down. We come back from commercial, and Ingram’s alive, but he thinks he’s Batman.

7:52 - This game is delightful. Quiroga is sent over the boards, doesn’t get a foot down, so the pass is incomplete, but he pops up all “Look! I’m okay!” in the midst of a sea of random Allstate Arena staffers. A sweet pass from Cumbie threads the needle, touchdown, LA. The XP bangs around, but goes through. 7-7, Los Angeles. 4:37 remains. Is D’Orazio okay? We’ll find out. Alex Rios just hit a blast. Alex Rios? Really? How many people have hit, here? At least I avoided most of the NBA Street commercial that makes me want to write a stern letter to my congressman (Bobby Rush).

7:56 - jcompton shout-out: Yes, I skipped over the rarely-called offensive pass interference call. No, I don’t know why. Chicago’s starting at the 5-ish. Is this play named “Trey Wingo?” Really? Pass complete, and there’s a little bit of extracurricular activity. D’Orazio’s in a bit of trouble here. He’s moving around at maybe 75%. They’re getting him some time here, setting up with the run. I typed that before Jones and Hoge discussed it, incidentally. They think that they’re just doing it to get away from their end zone. Why can’t we both be right?

8:00. D’Orazio gets buried, and almost passes it directly to the Jack LB. The offensive line gives him some time, but he leans way back, and is compensating for his back by throwing Sexy Rexy-style, wildly off his back foot. Dan Frantz nails a 46-yarder with 16.4 seconds left. 10-7, Chicago. And there’s some blue language that follows that, because the sound cuts out for about 45 seconds. D’Orazio apologizes to Sippio for missing him a couple of times. D’Orazio sounds okay in his interview, saying that he mis-read the play, not that his back caused the trouble. Okay. Kickoff clangs off the post, and LA desperately falls on it. The first quarter comes to an end. It’s 8:04.

Back to the HR Derby, Prince Fielder is a large young man. A large young man that hit a ball 455 feet to dead center, and then skies one that lands at the warning track. And then bombs another one. Joe Morgan and Chris Berman continue to prattle. It’s much harder to live-blog the Home Run Derby. Fielder keeps hitting towering popups, but those don’t count. And we’re back.

8:07 - EA Sports scouting report. We get the “Has all the clubs in his bag” comment that has to be explained, as well as “Sonny McEnroe,” which implies that he’s the Arena League’s enfant terrible, I guess. We get to watch him run around like a maniac at Texas Tech, and then, in tonight’s game, barely avoid a sack to lead his reciever too much on 4th and for a turnover on downs. Chicago has absurdly good field position, but Hoge and Jones respect their audience enough to refrain from explaining that there’s no punting in Arena Football.

8:11 - D’Orazio to Maeger, touchdown. Apparently Maeger was an “added addition” to the team. As opposed to a subtracted addition, I guess. Or an added quotient. Or an… integer overflow… I don’t know. 17-7 Chicago, 12:14 remains in the half, and D’Orazio is asked about his back again.

8:14 - Cumbie, under extreme pressure, flings one to a WIDE open receiver (Rod Turner) who trots into the endzone unmolested. The extra point is precise, and it’s 17-14 Chicago. Hoge makes a Myspace joke, and I don’t mind telling you that “www.touchdownavengers.com” is the punchline. My foot itches, because that’s what happens when you’re in a cast. Particularly exceptional is when people ask “Hey, does your foot itch?” and you respond, “Well it didn’t until you asked,” and then you’re legally allowed to kill them with a pitchfork.

8:19 - My sister may know Rod Turner. Not biblically. Shut your mouths. Miked-up tells us that Bobby Sippio wants a touchdown pass badly. D’Orazio is a little bit shuffly, and this offense is generally not in sync. Etu Molden gets a first down as D’Orazio somehow manages to buy enough time to lob one in his general direction.

8:22 - There’s the Bobby Sippio touchdown catch and subsequent swear-fest. Dump-button-guy is on his game tonight. 24-14 Chicago, 7:55 remains in the half.

8:24 - We discover that it’s the wrong Rod Turner, as Los Angeles’ went to Central Michigan, not Purdue. Bobby Sippio gives deserved props to D’Orazio, and on the kick return, Stubbs is pushed out at the 15. Lenzie (is kind of a girl’s name) Jackson is open underneath for a solid gain, and then there’s a mysteriously inaccurate shovel pass from Sonny Cumbie that clangs to the turf. It was intended for Jeffries who, according to our crack announcing team is possessed of “a lot of biscuits.”

8:28 - Ingram is overthrown and double-covered on 3rd down, and Remy Hamilton comes in to attempt the field goal. It misses left, and the return sneaks out to the two. There’s a flag on the play - kick catch interference, which’ll move - Well! There’s a bit of a scuffle by the LA bench. Ramifications? None, apparently. CURTIS ENIS, ladies and gentlemen, getting into a bit of a scrap this evening… That can’t be the same Curtis Enis. Is it? I’ll check at the next commercial. [Update: it's not. It's Curtis Eason. I clearly do not know my Chicago Rush players. And/Or I got over-excited.] Meanwhile, first down, Chicago. D’Orazio to Maeger.

8:32 - D’Orazio throws a skyhook to the sideline. That’s ill-advised, but no harm done. (Note: this, apparently, is a half-truth, as it turns out they called the play a sack, not an incomplete pass) Oh, and a nice touch pass towards McMillen can’t be hauled in. D’Orazio’s just staying alive on grit and more grit. Sippio can’t haul in a pass, and then on 4th down, D’Orazio gets mauled again, and he throws it to no one. Pass interference on the defense offsets with holding on the offense, and we’ll do it again.

8:36 - Except this time, we’ll do it with a field goal.

8:36:15 - Well, false start on Chicago, so I don’t really know what’s going to happen.

8:37 - One-minute warning. Forget I said anything. Also, I apparently gave up on the HR Derby. And there’s been some call at the McGrath Compound for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire rather than more Arenaball.

8:39 - Bobby Sippio, with a circus catch, just fights off the defender and goes up for the jump ball. Also, he would like D’Orazio to know that Sippio’s his boy now. Next play, touchdown, Chicago, pass from Sippio to D’Orazio. Yes, I typed that right. This is just getting silly. Getting silly? Trickeration is always welcome at It’s Still Football. D’Orazio is mighty humble on the post-play interview. 31-14 Chicago, 36.7 seconds left.

8:44 - Cumbie to Turner for roughly 35 yards, and they’re going to try to score before the half. Pickup of 7 yards, and they let the clock run down to 12.6 seconds before calling timeout. They’re going to run a couple quick plays from the three. “Nimble, agile, hostile” Jeffries pulls in a one-handed catch, and gets hit late. That’ll be assesed after the kickoff. The extra point clangs away, and we get the first mention of “the goal posts are just 9 feet apart,” from our announcing team. 31-20, Chicago. 8.0 seconds left before we get to the half.

8:48 - D’Orazio is going to try to get a strike down the field with less than 5 seconds left. Sippio can’t get to the sidelines, so it’s just D’Orazio and Sippio playing the role of H.R. Paddin’stats. Halftime. I’m going to go medicate; I’ll talk to you after the half

I skipped all of halftime. So no analysis from me, other than the team that scores the most points is likely to win. That’s the official ISF halftime strategy session. It’s traditional now.

9:00 - Kickoff for the second half. Remy Hamilton puts in the soft part of the net, and it’ll come out to the 5. The D’Orazio recap is kind of brutal, and he follows it with a completion to Sippio and then one to Molden. An excellent point by Hoge: if they didn’t have the bye week, how screwed would the Rush have been, considering D’Orazio’s injury?

9:02 - My internet is all screwed up.  These updates aren’t going anywhere, are they? No. they aren’t. Awesome.

9:03  - First down on the ground, and Chicago is officially driving. Good God, Sippio is double teamed on the post route and comes down with the ball anyway. There is no reason that should’ve worked. A little dance, a little popped collar, and the extra point is good. 12:14 left in the third, and the score is 38-20 Chicago.

9:07 - Sippio tells us the game plan was for D’Orazio to “put it in the back corner, and [he'd] go get it.” Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. It’s one step removed from drawing up plays in the dirt, but it works. And, in D’Orazio’s defense, he puts those throws where only a freaky-good receiver like Sippio can get at them. Meanwhile, Los Angeles screws up the kickoff return, and then fumbles a snap that’s recovered on the 1. This bodes ill for Los Angeles. What was their halftime speech? “Guys, I need you to just be terrified. Act all skittish for the first 10 minutes, would you?”

9:11 - There’s no review in the game, so the ensuing quasi-interception by DeJuan Alfonzo remains only a possibility. As ephemeral as a dream. Whatever. I need more interesting pain killers. Sonny Cumbie’s 4th and 5 pass goes for 4 and three-quarters yards. Turnover on Downs, Chicago’s left with a short field, again. Los Angeles may be on their last legs. Bobby Sippio is vocally making friends with his defensive unit. This defense really has been remarkable tonight.

9:12 - Bubble screen to the right is blown. Up. And it’s a fumble, recovered by Los Angeles. Etu Molden gets stopped cold - the first horrifying hit of the game was worse, but Etu Molden got up much faster. Molden and the tackler were square on each other and it ended poorly for Molden. While I’ve been writing this, Cumbie misses two receivers, one broken up by Unertl. The DBs for Chicago have been all over the Los Angeles wide receivers all night. Jumping routes, closing on receivers, and this last hit stalls LA at 4th and 1. Which Cumbie completes to Ingram for the 1st down. Flag on the play. Offisdes, offense, and it’s coming back. The official’s microphone is the only one in the building not working, so I had to interpret that for everybody. You’re welcome.

9:15 - But the Internet still isn’t working, so the interpretation is for naught. Awesome. Cumbie on 4th and 6 calls the same play, and it works again. Ingram is a stunt double for the Rock? Did I hear that right? Or is he just a stunt double in a movie that The Rock is also in? Well, he was in Invincible, too, so that’s nice. Another pass to Ingram, and they’re making my analysis of Chicago’s coverage team look somewhat less accurate. Side note, Uni Watch - style. Chicago has a Discover Card patch on each shoulder. That seems somewhat redundant. And, the Rush rough Cumbie as he chucks the ball into the stands. Not a smart play. Linzie Jackson can’t hold onto the ball, as he gets hammered by (I think) Unertl.

9:20 - Another underneath route allowed and slowed down by Chicago, as Los Angeles is burning daylight that they don’t have a surplus of. Ordway knocks away the pass intended for Quiroga on 3rd and Goal.

HEY! Da Coach sighting! He looks… angry, unsurprisingly.

9:22 - Cumbie is sacked, and the ball is turned over on downs. Woofty. Way too much time ran off the clock, especially considering Los Angeles came away with no points. Back to Coach Ditka, still inscrutable as the sphinx. A gum chewing, surly sphinx.

9:24 - Back from commercial, and we get another look at Ditka, who’s now pretty fired up, I think. You know, relatively speaking. It looks like he wants to put some pads on and hit somebody himself. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a moment and celebrate ESPN’s next graphic, comparing LA and Chicago. Because it references the ‘88 Dodgers, and my beloved ‘05 White Sox. WOO! ALL RIGHT! And then they talk about the Lakers and the Bulls, and then the ‘83 Raiders and the ‘85 Bears. And then, they go hockey. The poor, poor Blackhawks, run into the ground by the stupid crappy disaster that is Bill Wirtz. Though the LA Kings haven’t won any titles, they at least had Gretzky. And not Bill Wirtz. This is a rant for another day and another blog. Back to the action. Though Merril Hoge references Stan Mikita, which is pretty cool.

I tried to get a picture of the Smurfit-Stone (Vajay-jay) Building downtown that ESPN just cut to, as it says “Go Rush,” and I thought I could start a post with that, but alas, ’twas not to be. ANYWAY. There’s a game going on, if ESPN was inclined to show it.

9:27 - I had to rewind to see what backup QB #8 got hit in the face with. I think it was an elbow pad. Meanwhile, perhaps as distracted by graphics as both the ESPN team and I, Hohensee needs to burn a time out with 25.8 left in the 3rd, as the play clock runs down on D’Orazio and the Rush.

9:29 - D’Orazio throws off his back foot again, this time complete to Mager at the 4, moving the chains, and that’ll kill off the rest of the 3rd quarter.

9:32 - Somebody’s dressed for New Orleans in the stands here at Allstate Arena. We still haven’t figured out in which grocery store parking lot Hohensee was struck by a car. I mention that because ESPN does, and we were asked the question, and never sufficiently followed up. And, just like that, touchdown, Sippio. The extra point is good. 45-20 Chicago, 14:17 remains in the game. Sweet! We get Arena Bowl I highlights of Hohensee as a player. Of note: Hohensee had significantly more hair in the Arena Bowl I highlights.

9:35 - Coach Ho is trying to concentrate on the game and his interview at the same time, and it’s pretty scattered. Apparently, there’s a lot of trickeration that still remains in Chicago’s bag. That’s what I took away from that. On the next play, Ingram is drilled into the boards by Unertl, but hangs with the ball for a significant gain. But, LA can’t seem to string more than two plays together in a row, as they shoot themselves in the foot with an offsides penalty, and then a short dump off that Chicago swarms towards. The good news for LA is that there’s another roughing the passer penalty called on Chicago. Moving on: this would be the biggest 4th quarter comeback in AFL history, and getting the crap sacked out of them on 2nd down and then falling over on 3rd down isn’t the way to go about setting a new mark.

9:40 - The Los Angeles coach is just trying to settle down an obviously overwhelmed Cumbie, and isn’t able to do so over the headset. Cumbie’s forced to burn a time out. This game is over, kids. The Avengers are a mess and a half.

9:43 - I’ll tell you something else: there was an ad that said “Good seats still available” for tonight’s game in today’s paper. It looks like they sold those seats. It’s relatively raucous in the ol’ Rosemont Horizon tonight. And the Rush force another turnover on downs. The coverage forced Cumbie to check down all the way to his grandmother, and the pressure from the line caused him to uncork a pass anyway. A pass that was tipped at the line and nearly intercepted by a linebacker. That’s a complete defensive effort.

9:46 - D’Orazio’s going to sit the rest of this one out. I’m going to argue that he earned it, and they’d better give their trainer a nice steak dinner tonight. I wonder if my friend Mary is still working for the Rush as a massage therapist. New Guy completes his first pass. Good for you, Russ Michna (formerly “New Guy”). Russ is a Leatherneck from Western Illinois, and I guess he said something that Dump Button Guy found to be objectionable, beyond “You went inside and you scared me,” to Bobby Sippio.

9:48 - We’re officially in killing time mode - oh, Chicago scores! - as the announcing team interviews the bejabers out of D’Orazio. The scoring play, doesn’t seem to have gone according to plan, as the sound drops out entirely for about 45 seconds, and when it cuts back in, Michna is apologizing profusely to Sippio for something. This is the part of the AFL that I find most interesting - listening in on these guys’ conversations. Michna apparently gave up on Sippio’s route, but Bobby contends that he was improvising or something, and to NEVER GIVE UP ON BOBBY SIPPIO. The extra point is good, Michna and D’Orazio commiserate about Sippio’s bitching - I assume they said “bitching,” because I set my crack team of linguists on figuring out what got cut out there - and the score is now 52-20.

9:52 - Meanwhile, Chicago hasn’t allowed any points in the second half since week 16.  That’s insane. Hoge says that, on the kick return, Terrence Stubbs is “undecisive.” Really? Are you sure that’s the word you want to use? Well, whatever, we’re previewing the upcoming San Jose/Chicago game. Jones gives a little support to San Jose flying under the radar. Not at It’s Still Football, friends. I legitimately can’t wait for that game. And I never thought I’d say that.

9:54 - Hey, look, an Avengers drive that’s stalling inside the red zone. That’s… not news. Cumbie overthrows a guy, a sort pass gets the receiver dumped into the boards, Sippio shouts “Free mouthpieces!” for some reason (thanks, ESPN!), and the ball is batted halfway to O’Hare by Unertl on 3rd down. ESPN mentions that this could set a new record for fewest points in a playoff game as Cumbie clangs the pass off the crossbar, and that’s turned over on downs again. This has been a complete shutdown by Chicago’s defense.

9:59 - Subplots, subplots, watch the backup QB throw, watch him scramble, watch him get sacked and throw the ball into the stands anyway. Hey, free ball! That’ll take us to the 1:00 warning.

10:02 - Bobby Sippio’s taken his pads off, and Molden pads his stats. I’m a master of parallel construction. I don’t even know I’m doing it. Aaaaannnddd… that’ll do it. Ta ta, Los Angeles. Merrill Hoge says that D’Orazio and Bobby Sippio are “the two quasars in Chicago’s universe.” That word… I do not think it means what you think it means.

What have we learned? D’Orazio may take the Gritty Crown from the Scrappy Chris Griesen by virtue of his play this week. Bobby Sippio remains a game-changer, and a chatty one at that. We’ll get a little preview action going later in the week, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Georgia/Chicago Arena Bowl. There was no leader that stepped up on the Los Angeles side, and it showed. I’ll assign that blame to both poor coaching, and to Sonny Cumbie looking like an aggrieved ferret for most of the second half. From top to bottom, LA looked panic-stricken, and as Chicago’s defense constricted, they simply ceased to have answers. To steal a gimmick: many, many cocktails to Chicago’s defense tonight. They played extraordinarily. Which makes me giddy, because I like proof that defense can be played to great effect in the Arena League.

However, I’m going to chuck an official Spalding AFL football directly into the groin of AT&T DSL, because I don’t know when this post is actually going to go through to the site. Sorry for it not being particularly timely.

Live Blogging the Playoffs - Philly at Georgia

Welcome to ISF’s continuing coverage of the AFL playoffs - tonight, the previously-maligned-turned-J’s-favorite Philadelphia Soul at the Georgia Force. After both head coaches declared victory would come with 60 minutes of intensity and Jaws walked on the field in jeans and a polo that ranks one step above flip flops and swim trunks, Georgia starts out the game by returning the opening kickoff for a TD. As a qualified individual that watched both the NCAA BCS championship game and last year’s Super Bowl, I predict this will not go well for Georgia.

…And I spoke too soon. On Philly’s second snap of the game, Graziani launches a bomb (as he’s sacked) to Larry Brackins in the end zone, who not only fails to catch the TD pass, but lets Georgia come up with an INT. If JBJ is in the house, the double bird can’t be more than a few minutes away.

After the commercial break, commentators Ray Bently and Dave Pasch (is this the new first string for ESPN2? I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve heard the siren call of Trey Wingo) use a bunch of stats (note: TC will call me a sissy if I discuss actual statistics) that Georgia is very, very good (the comedy rule of three says I should use a parenthetical to end this sentence).

Georgia’s second play of the game, Derek Lee (not of Wrigley fame) catches a long bomb from The Scrappy Chris Greisen. Georgia leads 14-0. Either Dave or Ray says that Philly needs to “circle the wagons” to get back into the fight, after which Graziani completes a pass to the state of Mississippi. Sissy Statistic Alert: Philly has the second-most regular season turnovers of any team in the playoffs, but I suspect this is in part due to the brassy Interim QB Juston “SLING IT” Wood.

Dang - I forget how big Wes Ours is. He’s like the boulder in beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark with legs. Ours’ catch sets up a TD pass to James for Philly, who trails only 14-7 after the PAT - Graziani is really calm in his post-TD interview, saying it’s still early in the game. In the amount of time it took me to write the previous sentence, Georgia scores yet again via a quick shuffle pass to Bergeron, but they clang the extra point, extending their lead 20-7. The alarm alerting me my laundry is ready to go into the dryer goes off, and I suspect that by the time I get back from the basement Georgia could be so far ahead that I’ll see a combination of cheerleaders, Mildly Freakish Mascot Blu, and small children taking the field against Philly.

Getting back just as the first quarter ends, I’m shocked to see the score is the same - turns out I don’t know as much about the AFL as I thought. Since I’ve been in a media blackout since Saturday, I flip over to ESPN to see the final tally of yesterday’s games. …WHAT. THE. HELL. I must be in the Twilight Zone or a Frank Capra movie. COLUMBUS beat DALLAS? Okay. I officially know nothing about this league, after you take away THERE IS NO PUNTING (has yet to be uttered this game) and THE GOAL POST IS VERY NARROW (mentioned twice). Not that I was planning on it, but I won’t quit my day job.

UPDATE: THE GOAL POSTS ARE VERY NARROW is mentioned a third time as Philly converts a FG, bringing the tally 20-10. Also, it turns out the footage I saw of Jaws on the field with his guys was because there was fist fight on the field prior to the game - it looks like Philly DB Eddie Moten (?) was just decked by some Georgia players taking the field. Regardless of whether or not it was Moten (UPDATE: it was, and he was talking a little trash), he draws some Georgia blood by picking up a fumble deep in Georgia territory shortly after the replay of the fight. I’m beginning to think these live blogs go much better when TC and I tag-team it up - as much fun as it is regurgitating what’s happening play by play, I’d rather discuss Graziani’s absurdly loud hard count, which he just used to perfection to bring some lineman offsides - too bad it was his own. Philly settles for a field goal, 20-13, and I giggle as I imagine Tony in the new ISF running gag, Careers Poorly Suited for Graziani’s Hard Count: this episode - Midwife (”IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FORMULA! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”)

Georgia Coach (of the Year) Doug Plank, for whom the Bears’ 46 Defense was named after by Buddy Ryan, briefly gives an in-game interview, saying that defense in the AFL isn’t given enough credit. Ray and Dave agree, then completely ignore the comments after Doug goes back to coaching.

Bergeron gets his third TD of the game off a nasty tipped pass, putting Georgia up 27-13. Considering it was Philly that tipped it into Bergeron’s arms, I think Plank’s stock footage of laying down hits for the Bears is most likely going to be the best defense I see for the rest of the game.

Graziani gets NAILED as he throws. He’s not getting up. I think Philly’s 2007 season may have just ended.

Leon Murray goes in for Graziani, and Wes Ours goes down so hard my beer just spilled. Tony’s looking like he might go back in, and I think of Minnesota Twins favorite Brad Radke, who pitched through the end of last season with an arm held in place by chewing gum and chutzpah. It’s 4th and short for Philly - THERE IS NO PUNTING. Tony’s pass is incomplete. The Georgia fans have something better than lame thundersticks - buckets with handles glued to the side and drumsticks. Surprisingly, STOMP is not a sponsor of the Force.

From 4th and short near the goal, Georgia’s offensive coordinator calls on Greisen (who looks kind of like Hayley Joel Osment in a football helmet?) to run a yo yo, like he’s calling a trick play on par with the one in Rookie of the Year when they fake out a base runner with the rosin bag. Greisen makes his way out to the huddle, then suddenly runs back to the sideline and asks if he should run an option. Greisen gets the go-ahead, and runs in the easy TD. As the Force widens the gap to 33-13, it looks like this one may already be over.

At the 1-minute warning, I’m putting in my Way Too Early Arena Bowl XXI Prediction: Georgia and San Jose. I’d like to point out that so far in the playoffs, I’ve called a full 3 of 6, so I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything I have to say, unless it’s about Brett Dietz being very interesting.

As Graziani gets hit for the sixth time, he throws a pick, but it’s ruled as a late hit and offsets a blatant face-mask by Larry Brackins. With 31 seconds left in the half, we’ll see maybe only four more scores. Didn’t intend the Lincoln-esqe alliteration there - my bad. Graziani makes up for a third down pass to the Philly bench by completing a pass down to the 10.

Tony connects with Jerry Jones for a TD with 9.4 seconds left on the board, the extra point is blocked - barring a TD bomb from Georgia, Philly will go into the half trailing by two TDs, which they could make up. In our time, we’ve seen crazier things happen in this league. Such as a team based in Texas totally blow at the game of football.

The Sunday Night Injury Bowl continues as WR Troy Bergeron, who’s been solid for Georgia all season long, has a grown man fall on his knee. This reminds me why I did nerdy stuff in high school, and continue to do such activities to this day, like play slow-pitch softball, which led to a knee injury two weeks ago when a less-than-nimble second baseman fell on my knee as I slid into the bag. So, clearly, my life decisions have done nothing but benefit my physical health. Philly gets to the half just barely preserving a two-TD defecit, following 33-19.

HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD:

“What I said the last playoff game with Philly involved applies here as well.”

/HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD

Within the first 4 minutes of play in the third, Graziani gets Philly within the Georgia 10, then throws a pick, and Greisen lobs a TD pass to Chris Jackson, but Georgia bounces the PAT off the upright. It’s 39-19, and Philly’s going to have a very hard time getting back in the game if their O-line can’t keep Graziani on his feet. Surprise - as I typed the previous sentence, Tony’s knocked to the turf again, this time one of the DT’s lands on Graziani’s leg. This is the ninth time Graziani has been knocked down - for some reason I can’t help but think of David Carr’s career with the Texans.

In the amount of time it takes me to take a leak, Philly scores - 39-26. I have no idea how they pulled this off, but I suspect it involved Graziani being on his feet for more than three consecutive seconds after the snap.

Philly almost picks off Greisen on two consecutive plays? Am I seeing a little defense? In arena ball? A hard count pulls Soul DL #98 Bryan Save off the line, and Jackson pulls in a Force TD two plays later, so I guess the answer is no. The 2 point conversion fails (yay, a little defense!), Georgia leads 45-26 as the third begins to wind down.

Listening to Graziani’s mic on the Wired Up montage of his hits throughout the game (also, we got to see three angles of his arm getting mangled earlier in the season), I am amazed that not once does he scream out an expletive. I usually curse at something as minor as the presence of clouds in the sky or cream cheese in my sushi, so I’m naturally impressed at Tony’s ability to keep his cool when his shoulder is forcibly taken out of its socket. At the end of the third, Philly is in Georgia territory, still behind 45-26.

Larry Brackins starts out the fourth quarter by pulling down a TD and Philly closes the gap to 12, 45-33. Philly almost recovers a fumble on the kickoff return, but the returner as ruled as down, so Philly doesn’t have the ball at the Georgia 10. Jackson scores a TD on the next play, Georgia misses the PAT, but the Force lead by 18, 51-33. The hope I had for Philly to get back in the game goes as quickly as it came, like the slap bracelet fad in 1996.

Force DL Mike Sutton is on my good side after he helps Graziani up after he gets knocked on his ass yet again. Two plays later on 4th and 10, he gets hit again and can’t make the completion. Sutton takes him down after he got rid of the ball, so Sutton is back to neutral in my book. Georgia takes over on Philly’s 10, and on the second play Jackson gets his 3rd TD of the half - the extra point is (surprise!) good, Georgia’s lead increases to 25 with the scoreboard reading 58-33 in their favor. With a scant 8:45 left in the game, that could very well have been the nail in the coffin of Philly’s season.

…I spoke too soon - the ensuing kickoff takes a huge bounce and Georgia recovers at their own 5. That was the nail in the coffin, as I’m pretty sure Georgia will be able to go up by another TD on this possession. They get it on the second down. The PAT clangs in, and Georgia has almost doubled up on Philly, 65-33. I’m a little disappointed for Philly, but I can’t say I’m surprised.

Chris Greisen’s Wired Up montage shows us that he likes to pound things and say “Yeah!” - it’s almost like watching that one frat guy at a party that is having a blast, or he’s Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer:

Something I’ve always found a little odd about football is that when there is little to no doubt about who’s going to win, the losing team manages to get a good drive in - Larry Brackins pulls down a TD, and after the failed 2 point conversion, the Soul have chipped away at their deficit, 65-39. All they need is to recover four onside kicks in 2:21, and they’ll walk away with the W.

With only two minutes left in the game, I feel like I can take a quick bathroom break without missing too much. Except maybe of the end of the game - time me!

And, that’s it. Graziani gets a kiss from who I presume is his mother on the sidelines - a touching moment (completely serious here) as Graziani carried the Soul throughout this season, and showed some real brass staying in this game after getting knocked on his can constantly today. Kudos to Georgia, who dominated this game from start to finish. Kudos to JBJ, who wasn’t caught on camera being obscene for a full 60 minutes. Tune in tomorrow night when TC takes the reins as the rickety Rush host Sonny Cumbie and the Avengers, the outcome of which will determine what TC decides to do with the rest of his life.

Playoff Week 2 Point/Counterpoint Mercifully Ends With Los Angeles At Chicago

 I’m calling this game the “Where Should TC Live?” Bowl. Metropolitan areas that both of the ISF editors are familiar with to some degree face off on Monday Night. This’ll probably be the game we “live”blog, too, as TC has a wedding to go to and assorted other dorkitude to attend to this weekend. And J has a date.  <Full House Studio Audience> ooooOOOOooo…. </Full House Studio Audience> ANYWAY.

MONDAY: Los Angeles at Chicago, 8:30PM ET. ESPN2 (If you’re curious.)

TC SAYS: This game makes me nervous, as a fan of the Rush. The Rush are the ricketiest of the 4 bye-provided teams, and the Avengers are probably the most solid of the other four, with the possible exception of the Soul. The win over Utah last week shouldn’t have surprised anyone (AHEMJoeAHEM), but they showed surprising resilience on the defensive front and capitalized on five Utah turnovers. Chicago was pretty banged up in the week 14 loss to the Avengers, but they rattled off three straight impressive-ish wins, and then had a week off. Hohensee used most of the bye week lightly, in order to keep everyone healthy, and that’s good for Matt D’Orazio, because it means Bobby Sippio is at-or-close-to 100%. The Rush had DeJuan Alfonso and Jeremy Unertl named to the All-Arena team. Jeremy was also named to the All-Needs-A-Vowel-Or-Two team.

J SAYS: Good call on Utah losing, Friday Morning QB. Likewise, I’m a little nervous for the Rush’s prospects - Bobby Sippio’s Bear-Claws can only carry the Chicago so far, and if LA surprises All State Arena with a little defense, it could be a long night. Also, you can’t write off LA QB Sonny Cumbie - he does have “all the clubs in the bag”.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) Matt D’Orazio isn’t as fidgety as Joe Germaine, and Bobby Sippio salvages most of the mistakes he does make. Utah wasn’t a good defensive team this year, and Chicago is. Sonny Cumbie has been good, but erratic. They’ll make the game interesting, but that’s probably the best they can hope for. (J) Chicago is a stronger team than Utah overall, but they’ll have to dig deep to keep a comfortable lead in this one. LA shouldn’t be written off, especially since they surprised Georgia in an upset victory last month. If Chicago’s D shows up strong, though, D’Orazio and Sippio should be able to keep LA in check.

TC’S PREDICTION: This might be close, but a healthy Chicago means they should control this game. Los Angeles can’t afford to make any mistakes if they want to stay in this one.

J’S PREDICTION: TC will most likely decide to stay in Chicago if he bases his life decisions off a football game. Which didn’t work out so well for this guy.

Okay, so it’s Week 2 of the Playoffs: Point/Counterpoint (Philly at Georgia)

Muppet-esqe mascots with measles agree [JESUS CHRIST, that's terrifying! -TC]: Sunday’s game between Philadelphia and Georgia could be, dare we say, exciting? Maybe we’ll just settle for “probably better than the previous games previewed”.

SUNDAY: Philadelphia at Georgia, 7pm ET.

J SAYS: When Philly has Tony Graziani at the helm, the Soul look as good as anyone on the field, except of course for the Soulmates. As we learned in his scouting profile, Graziani “has all the throws” and a “lightening release”, not to mention a deafening hard count that either draws the defense offsides or kills birds in mid-flight (Tony would be great as a caretaker for the elderly - “IT’S TIME FOR YOUR SPONGE BATH, MR. CURMUDGEON”). However, Georgia has been dominant since the beginning of the season. QB Chris Greisen is good enough to pull a Kurt Warner, receivers Chris Jackson and Tony Bergeron are two of the AFL’s best (I know, I know, statistics are for pussies), and Georgia is hosting tonight’s game. I’ll take drunken southerners over denizens of the City of Brotherly Love any day of the week, unless Santa Claus is involved.

TC SAYS: I really like Chris Griesen. He got the crap audibly kicked out of him in the Philly/Georgia game in Week 6, shook it off and continued to throw daggers. If he’s not the next quarterback to make the jump to the NFL, the he’s the next AFL lifer, and I think his counterpart across the field this week, Tony Graziani, would agree that there are worse things in life than playing a game you enjoy and getting paid (if not handsomely, then at least consistently) for it. J’s got an excellent point in that Philadelphia is a team of winners with Tony Graziani (”I REALLY LIKE YOU BUT I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE!”) at the helm, and a team of strangers when he’s not. They’re not as dominant as, say, Grampa Gary expected them to be at the top of the season, but they’re certainly a dangerous team. Since Graziani came back, they’ve lost to Dallas by three, and to Tampa Bay’s Dietz Machine. Soooo…

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Not to knock on Philly, but Georgia can be overwhelmingly dominant. The Force won’t make the errors that killed Orlando when they played Philly last week, and as good as Graziani is, he may be hard-pressed to keep up with Greisen. We may get treated to a few more JBJ double birds this weekend. (TC) The only team that was ever going to be a challenge to the Dallas/Georgia dominance in this conference: Philadelphia. This one’s a-gonna be a duel.   

J’S PREDICTION: Even though Philly will stay in the game, Georgia will be in control from the start to finish. Lucky for us, Jaws’ tears grant immortality and the uncanny ability to break down game tape.

TC’S PREDICTION:You know what? I think this’ll be the only upset this week. That’s right, I’m going out on a limb and saying The Scrappy Chris Griesen’s season ends on Sunday. And that’s a shame, because he seems to be a sturdy fellow. These are the best kind of predictions, because if I’m right, hey, I’m right! If I’m wrong, the team I also like still won!