Week 16 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows: Gary Horton reads us!

“Make my grandkids call me!”

Imagine my surprise earlier this morning heading over to tWWL for Gary “Actually, I’m Not Andy Rooney” Horton’s weekly AFL Power Rankings, and low and behold, he also had a diatribe similar to my own (but with less swears and contemporary references to a heliocentric universe) regarding the pitiful state of the AFL’s playoff setup. What we BOTH advocate: admission by overall record first! No losing-record teams in the playoffs! Turn down that hipster music!

Also, before the jump to Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fight, more photographic evidence that Utah QB Joe Germaine always looks the same.

Okay, this is just starting to get strange. Like that Lindsay Lohan compilation.

Who Has the Inside Track To The Virgin Bowl XXII? And Where’d That Reference Come From?

If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.

That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.

Week 15 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights: the 2008 American Conference Race to the Bottom

Quality defensive play.

The Mitsubish American Conference Presented by Mitsubishi is a disgrace brought to you by Mitsubishi. Playoff-bound Chicago, San Jose, and (gasp!) Arizona have respectable records at 10-4, 9-5, and 8-6 respectively; whereas the remaining five teams in the conference are being led by Utah at 5-10. Luckily for Chicago, San Jose, and Arizona, inter-league play is pretty damned common in the AFL so they’re not automatically boned in the postseason like an NFC team is against an AFC team (except, of course, for that glorious Super Bowl we had this past winter). A plea to Commissioner Hagrid – aside from not leaving for the stupidface Pac-10 – is to grant playoff spots based solely on record, as our beloved Tampa Bay Storm will most likely miss the playoffs with (hopefully) a winning record, yet several American Conference teams with twice as many losses as victories will be invited to parade their craptacular ineptitude on a national stage.

Grumble grumble grumble, I’m more cantankerous than Gary “You Woke Me From My Nap For THIS?” Horton and his weekly Power Rankings, and my Can’t Miss Random Pick and Pillow Fight this week are sponsored by Spite.

Week 14 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights

Shockingly, the sun hasn’t set on LA’s 4-9 season yet.

The playoffs are starting to shape up: Chicago already clinched a week-one bye; Dallas, Philly, San Jose, and (you’re reading this right) Arizona have all clinched playoff berths. That means pretty much everyone else still has a shot, which is kind of a slap in the face to the National Conference’s 8-win teams (Georgia, New Orleans, and Orlando) and 7-win teams (Cleveland and New York) (Tampa Bay hovers at 6 wins… for now?) since the remaining American Conference teams that have yet to clinch a spot in the playoffs, but are still eligible, are at 3, maybe 4 wins on the season (looking at you, LA, Utah, Colorado, Grand Rapids, and Kansas City).

Wow, Run-On-Sentences much?

Anyhow, there’s quite a bit at stake this week for all the teams on the bubble, as one of my camp directors used to say, “go big or go home”. After the jump, we have this week’s Power Rankings from ESPN’s Grampa “Find An Intern to Write This Damn Thing For Me” Gary Horton; arena football betting advice fit for an emperor with no clothes, and a sneak peek at this weeks’ certifiable Pillow Fight.

Week 12: Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows – last year this had a picture of the Bush daughters

Chicago Rush TD pics, according to Google, do not carry the same weight as pictures of the twin daughters of the leader of the free world in lacy negligee

What’s that, you say? These ranks and previews are moot since a game has already been played this week? You’re saying last night Kansas City upset LALALALALA WE’RE NOT LISTENING! LALALALALALA STFU!

Waiting for you after the jump: A quick review of Gary “Not My Grampa” Horton’s AFL Power Rankings, arena football betting advice that’s almost guaranteed to make your individual credit crisis worse, and a Pillow Fight worthy of twenty-thousand Google hits.

Week 10: Ranks, Pillows, and Picks: I’m in training again!

I’ve been here before!

It’s painfully close to the end of the week, so you know what that means – blogging on company time! All your favorites, from Grampa Gary’s Power Rankngs to Can’t Miss Random Pick and Weekend Pillow Fight await you after the jump:

Week 9 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight: Let’s get meta!

Coming up with fresh ideas is tough, just ask Brett Ratner. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this nugget by Neal Pollack on Slate regarding things such as weekly power rankings, mock drafts, and MVP races being signs of lazy sports writing (ironically, similar points have been made on Slate in the past) and overall detrimental to the appreciation of sporting in general. Fair enough. Then, yesterday KSK’s Big Daddy Drew posted an NFL draft preview on Deadspin that suggested anyone bemoaning the surplus of mock drafts can, in his parlance, choke on a dick. Fair enough.

Both articles made me further question qualms I’ve had about my weekly riffing on the occasionally disjointed Gary Horton AFL ramblings from the WWL, and gave me an idea to keep this feature fresh.

Maybe next week.

Our Damn Rankings, Can’t Miss Random Pick, and Pillowfights – Week 3

Has Joe fallen in here? My excuse? Would you believe I was drugged by attractive women, who wanted to have their way with me? Stockholm Syndrome is a bitch, guys.

Joe’s trapped under something heavy, so I’m making the rankings happen. It’s not my shtick to make fun of Grampa Gary, so I’m going to make my own rankings, and bring back the haikus. If you’re curious what Gary thinks, his rankings are here. not happening this week? What’s going on here? Whatever, fuck it. Also, Philly beat LA last week. We’ll take that into account. Why not?

After the jump: random decisions.

Week 2 Power Rankings: let’s not talk about #1

“Are you not entertained?”

Say it ain’t so: New Orleans in an upset win, Cleveland Whatevers on the playoff fast track, Chicago in a sloppy loss? Well, sadly, we can believe that last one. Ripping off Grampa Gary, Can’t Miss Random Pick, and Weekend Pillow Fight are calling you after the jump.

Power Rankings, Week 1: Can you say ‘Rohan Davey’?

New York, welcome back your second-string QB.

Has it really been six months since I’ve peer-reviewed Grampa Gary Horton’s AFL Power Rankings, and supplemented that with a Can’t Miss Random Pick and a Weekend Pillow Fight? Poke Gramps with a stick and give him a scotch, it’s story time!