I’ve been here before!
It’s painfully close to the end of the week, so you know what that means - blogging on company time! All your favorites, from Grampa Gary’s Power Rankngs to Can’t Miss Random Pick and Weekend Pillow Fight await you after the jump:
Coming up with fresh ideas is tough, just ask Brett Ratner. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this nugget by Neal Pollack on Slate regarding things such as weekly power rankings, mock drafts, and MVP races being signs of lazy sports writing (ironically, similar points have been made on Slate in the past) and overall detrimental to the appreciation of sporting in general. Fair enough. Then, yesterday KSK’s Big Daddy Drew posted an NFL draft preview on Deadspin that suggested anyone bemoaning the surplus of mock drafts can, in his parlance, choke on a dick. Fair enough.
Both articles made me further question qualms I’ve had about my weekly riffing on the occasionally disjointed Gary Horton AFL ramblings from the WWL, and gave me an idea to keep this feature fresh.
Maybe next week. Read the rest of this entry »
Has Joe fallen in here? My excuse? Would you believe I was drugged by attractive women, who wanted to have their way with me? Stockholm Syndrome is a bitch, guys.
Joe’s trapped under something heavy, so I’m making the rankings happen. It’s not my shtick to make fun of Grampa Gary, so I’m going to make my own rankings, and bring back the haikus. If you’re curious what Gary thinks, his rankings are here. not happening this week? What’s going on here? Whatever, fuck it. Also, Philly beat LA last week. We’ll take that into account. Why not?
After the jump: random decisions.
“Are you not entertained?”
Say it ain’t so: New Orleans in an upset win, Cleveland Whatevers on the playoff fast track, Chicago in a sloppy loss? Well, sadly, we can believe that last one. Ripping off Grampa Gary, Can’t Miss Random Pick, and Weekend Pillow Fight are calling you after the jump.
New York, welcome back your second-string QB.
Has it really been six months since I’ve peer-reviewed Grampa Gary Horton’s AFL Power Rankings, and supplemented that with a Can’t Miss Random Pick and a Weekend Pillow Fight? Poke Gramps with a stick and give him a scotch, it’s story time! Read the rest of this entry »
Sonnie Cumbie! Steve Bellisari! Because we don’t have a choice!
Hey, for the record, this random-ass power poll is based on decisions deeply idly considered earlier this afternoon. Links are to previews.
(1) Dallas: Easily the best team in terms of talent and leadership. Deep bench makes them the team to beat. Eventually something inexplicably awful will befall them.
(2) Philadelphia: Graziani to Jackson is a dangerous combination. First team is scary, but the wheels came off when Graziani got hurt last year, and that hasn’t been addressed.
(3) Chicago: Replacement Sippio and Replacement D’Orazio look like Upgraded Sippio and Upgraded D’Orazio. May be the sneaky-best defense in the league, at least in turnover differential. Watch this space.
(4) San Jose: Doing yeoman’s work; it’s damnably difficult to repeat because crazy shit happens in the AFL (check the patent – I quoted that verbatim), but they’ve got a puncher’s chance to do so.
(5) Georgia: This young team has potential oozing out their collective pores, but Dallas and Philly are just too good to put them higher.
(6) Tampa Bay: See Georgia. If they get hot, they could get VERY hot. If they get the shakes, this could go to pieces so fast, people’ll get lacerated by the shrapnel. (Yes, I know we picked them as Arena Bowl Champions. They’re 6th. Deal.)
(7) Los Angeles: I kind of secretly like LA. I don’t think they’ll contend, necessarily, but they’re competent, and are going to be on the positive end of some surprising upsets. Mark my words: Darren Arbet, ordinarily a classy gentleman, will invent clever new curse words after the LA game in what will be remembered as the best press conference ever. “Smegmanavigating slutbadgers” may figure prominently.
( 
Utah: It’s now the stretch of average teams for whom I won’t be able to make predictions until week 12, beginning with Utah. They score a lot of points, just like everyone else. Everyone who’s not their #1 cornerback will get burned like tonight’s salmon effort.
(9) Colorado: The over/under on the number of times I will get Utah and Colorado mixed up is set at 21.5. This is all going to get adjusted when we see some point differentials.
(10) Orlando: Lesser Gruden may be as mysteriously and stealthily successful as Greater Gruden this year. Joe made this preview and I’ve taken great pains to know nothing about the Predators this year except for the fact that they never ever ever miss the playoffs and that their superfans are teriffico.
(11) Columbus: “Oh, no,” you say. “They’re ranked so low! But they went to the Arena Bowl last year!” You should shut up.
(12) New Orleans: Getting slightly better, but still firmly average. There’s a danger of this team playing in front of 15 people, which would be awkward, what with the AFL’s commitment to Nawlins in the form of Arena Bowls XXI – D.
(13) Kansas City: Quarterback downgrade, decent defense, and… I know NOTHING to look for from this team. It will surprise me when, in week 7, they’re still in playoff contention.
(14) Arizona: We’ve moved from the teams that are indistinguishable because of their mediocrity into the teams that are notable because of their aggressive sucking. Welcome to the “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch, Week 1!
(15) Cleveland: It’s not the bottom! #15 with a bullet! Raymond Philyaw Phever: catch it.
(16) New York: This team lives and dies with Aaron Garcia, and Aaron is now 1,000 years old and built like a Lladro figurine.
(17) Grand Rapids: Ha! Suck it, Grand Rapids residents: your Arena Football team is not very good, and you live in Grand Rapids.
AND THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK!
“Randomness says: Colorado wins its home opener against Columbus. Bernie Kosar knows what he’s doing. Wait, no, I got myself confused. Fuck you! I’m tired.” - Joe
Colorado 68, Columbus 54, Cleveland 56.
In the interest of brevity, we’ll just get right to it. Especially because quitting time is in 29 minutes and damn if I’m sticking around here any longer than necessary. This week’s Beer-Themed Power Rankings are brought to you by Alcoholism, right after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »
So… what are Scouts, Inc. really saying about the AFL? Here. I’ve translated. Now I’m going to burn my office to the ground. J Fizzle’s, too. As a favor.
The rankings, after the link:
Once again, it is time for your ISF team to break down the weekly power rankings from Scouts, Inc. and insert our bold-faced wit and wisdom; also we’ll lay out the Pillow Fight of the Week, and see if Randomness can prevail and get back to a .500 record, all after the jump:
(Ed. note: prior to the jump we will completely ignore the fact we totally jinxed “American Idol” and ruined someone’s life who’s only crime was having a non-sanctioned fan site that commented on an AFL blog)
I got to do my take on the power rankings (stolen from ESPN), and if haikus were fun once, they can be fun again. Though I would like to elaborate on a couple of things:
If I could figure out how many syllables “a’ight” is, I would’ve slapped the VooDoo with that assessment. I also nearly called them the ‘Doo, but I thought that’d go over poorly. Also, in the Predators haiku, I’m suggesting they might be looking ahead to their collision with Georgia, which might be a sneaky-good game, instead of focusing on the execrable Wranglers. Finally, I kind of mailed in the Crush one. Sorry about that.
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AFL Power Rankings |
| 1. (3) Dallas (10-1) Last week: Beat Chicago 52-48 This week: Bye The Desperados overcame some uncharacteristic mistakes by QB Clint Dolezel to beat the gutsy Rush in the final seconds in a classic battle between two of the best teams in the AFL. Clint and company look well-nigh unstoppable. Could beat Cleveland Browns. |
| 2. (1) Georgia (9-1) Last week: Bye This week: at Los Angeles The Force, coming off a bye week, remain one of the hottest teams in the AFL thanks to a versatile passing game that is almost impossible to slow down. Offensive brilliance, scrappy Griesen makes me watch; rest of schedule: Cake. |
| 3. (2) Chicago (8-2) Last week: Lost to Dallas 52-48 This week: vs. Nashville While the Rush played without star WR Bobby Sippio (injured ankle) for most of the second half, they still showed great poise, determination and fight, but came up short in the last minute against Dallas. D’Orazio showed He still can throw to people Not named Sippio |
| 4. (4) San Jose (7-3) Last week: Beat Las Vegas 61-34 This week: vs. Grand Rapids The SaberCats received a good performance from QB Mark Grieb and a huge defensive effort that produced four interceptions, two fumbles and two key defensive stops. I like San Jose: lying in wait, not flashy… they’re my spoiler team |
| 5. (5) Colorado (7-4) Last week: Beat Nashville 57-35 This week: vs. Columbus The Crush defense totally humiliated the Nashville offense with five sacks, three interceptions and a fumble recovery. Like the SaberCats, the Crush shut down opponents, as well as outscore. |
| 6. (7) Orlando (6-4) Last week: Beat New Orleans 42-33 This week: at Austin The Predators had to depend on their defense to pull out a win. But their lack of converting turnovers into points and shoddy special teams play continues to be a concern. If Lesser Gruden keeps Preds from looking ahead, this week’s a success. |
| 7. (9) Columbus (6-4) Last week: Beat Grand Rapids 59-56 This week: at Colorado The Destroyers won their fifth straight home game with an almost perfect night by QB Matt Nagy and solid defense late. Playing well at home, but next three games are brutal, and KC’s the fourth… |
| 8. ( Kansas City (6-4) Last week: Beat Utah 60-41 This week: at New York The top-ranked Brigade defense won its battle versus the top-ranked Blaze offense, forcing Utah QB Joe Germaine to throw four costly interceptions and the Blaze offense to commit 11 penalties. Must keep momentum. Ought to be rated higher, could build winning streak. |
| 9. (6) Los Angeles (5-5) Last week: Lost to Tampa Bay 40-37 This week: vs. Georgia Inconsistent Avengers gave a winnable game away as they failed to hold a 10-point fourth-quarter lead. They just can’t seem to put complete games together. Write it down right now: LA mauled by Georgia Force, we’ll talk next weekend. |
| 10. (10) Utah (5-6) Last week: Lost to Kansas City 60-41 This week: vs. Las Vegas Fading Blaze not only played bad defense, but their usually reliable offense sputtered with four costly interceptions versus an opportunistic Kansas City offense. Must avoid shootouts: Utah defense not known for stiffening in clutch. |
| 11. (11) Philadelphia (4-6) Last week: Lost to New York 69-49 This week: vs. New Orleans The Soul continue to slide without injured QB Tony Graziani. After a 4-0 start, they lost their sixth straight game. Avert your eyes, Jaws, your team is in the shitter. I’m sorry I swore. |
| 12. (14) Tampa Bay (4-6) Last week: Beat Los Angeles 40-37 This week: vs. Arizona The gutsy Storm battled back from a 10-point fourth-quarter deficit. Their defense played well all night, making three big defensive stops in an unexpected win over Los Angeles. Stole winnable game, but “gutsy”? Try “fortunate.” This week: win slap fight. |
| 13. (12) New Orleans (4-6) Last week: Lost to Orlando 42-33 This week: at Philadelphia Too many turnovers and the inability to control the Orlandodefense ruined a gutsy effort by the VooDoo. Right now, they lack explosiveness. VooDoo gutsy, too? Scouts, inc. needs more adjectives or just say “so-so.” |
| 14. (13) Nashville (4-7) Last week: Lost to Colorado 57-35 This week: at Chicago The young Kats did not show up versus Colorado. Their pass protection and passing game were awful and the Crush defense totally controlled the game. Good news for Chi-town: can heal wounds and still dance on face of Jeff Smoker. |
| 15. (1 Arizona (3- Last week: Beat Austin 53-41 This week: at Tampa Bay QB Sherdrick Bonner threw six TD passes and surpassed the 40,000 passing yards milestone, but the real story was a maligned defense that finally made some plays. Milestones are nice, but a decent supporting cast would be preferable. |
| 16. (16) New York (3-7) Last week: Beat Philadelphia 69-49 This week: vs. Kansas City This is a different team when it’s run by QB Aaron Garcia, who threw eight TD passes against a slumping Philadelphia Soul defense. Aaron Garcia! Is it too late for one guy to un-suck this team? |
| 17. (15) Grand Rapids (3-7) Last week: Lost to Columbus 59-56 This week: at San Jose The Rampage played a solid game on offense with QB Chad Salisbury and a great performance by WR/KR Timon Marshall, but they couldn’t make enough defensive stops versus Columbus. Best bad team in league now has Leftwich 2 point 0. Hooray for our jokes. |
| 18. (17). Austin (3-7) Last week: Lost Arizona 53-41 This week: vs. Orlando New QB Lang Campbell didn’t play a bad game, but the usually porous Arizona defense came up with some big stops and turnovers as the Wranglers continue to slide No hope for Wranglers. At least Austin’s a good town in which to get drunk. |
| 19. (19) Las Vegas (1-10) Last week: Lost to San Jose 61-34 This week: at Utah The Gladiators have lost nine games in a row and were out of this one early with a 34-0 second-quarter deficit and five turnovers in their first five possessions. Nothing has gone right… Vegas fired their coaching staff… Is next year here yet? |
