What On Earth Can We Expect: The New Orleans VooDoo

One Fleur-de-Lis for each time I flashed my chest for beads when we were in N’awlins.

Facts:

• National Conference, Southern Division
• 2007 record: 5-11; Arena Bowl championships – see alternate universe
• Nightmarish mascot “Bones” balanced by Muppet-ish/Phanatic-esqe “Mojo”
• Head Coach Mike Neu is a free agency mad genius

Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Time to be perfectly honest – most of the previews I’ve handled have been a cursory look at last year’s performance and any significant roster changes. Looking over this season’s roster, though, I am slack-jawed: Neu made some serious acquisitions on both sides of the ball, and I daresay that this New Orleans team I wouldn’t have noticed last season could be dangerous this year, even in a tough division with Georgia, Tampa Bay, and Orlando. If they’re this year’s Tampa Bay, I will gladly tell you I told you so.

Bullet Points About People:

• Newcomers WR/DB BJ Barre, DB Lin-J Shell, and WR Chris Horn (who seems to be in some NFL squad’s team every preseason) scheduled to go on team-building retreat in Louisiana outback
• Head coach Mike Neu’s main office located in abandoned oil platform in Caribbean that’s being upgraded into a Super Doom Fortress using FEMA debit cards
• QB Steve Bellisari nagging Tony Graziani to have an “Italian Off”; challenges to include recalling Dean Martin lyrics and naming as many salami varieties as possible in 20 seconds

The Good:

New additions to the team. Relative unknown QB Bellisari. Kicker Jonathan Ruffin won the Lou Groza award at Cincy. Red beans and rice.

The Bad:

Tempting nights out on Bourbon Street. Tough division. Overall lack of experience. Possibility of bad Mojo.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

The VooDoo rebound from a disappointing 2007 season with an 8-8 record because I’m not that confident in my sleeper pick. Mike Neu takes over New Orleans with a genetically-enhanced voodoo lady that shakes her stick and drives you crazy with that BOOGIE. BOOGIE. BOOGIE.

I stand corrected

Ladies (Ladies…?) and gentlemen, my humility leaves me no choice but to address everyone directly and in the first person, not like my usual ISF Royal We, and drop a big mea culpa. I was wrong about the Philadelphia Soul.

I wrote them off because they had a first-week bye (like the barely .500 Can’t Miss Random Pick, for which I also apologize – randomness and I do not good bedfellows make). I wrote them off because they were in a tail-spin with the loss of mildly-Joe-Montana-ish Tony Graziani, and it seemed that nothing could pull them back into the playoffs. I wrote them off because I assumed since they are an AFL team, they are incapable of playing defense.

I was wrong.

The mere presence of Graziani charged the Soul squad, to the point where the Soul defense was out-scoring the Voo Doo offense going into the fourth quarter.

Even had Graziani not returned this game, third string backup Leon Murray probably would have likewise led the Soul to victory – he was 3/3 for 15 yards. And 2 TDs.

By the middle of the second quarter, it was clear: this was no pillow fight. Philly has a legitimate shot to run for the playoffs, right along with Dallas and Georgia (but not necessarily a Bobby Sippio-less Chicago).

This was not a pillow fight. Philly put on a clinic. It was an out and out rout.

They even would’ve beat the Cavs.

It’s Monday Night! The Philadelphia Soul Returneth

Sooooo… We met at The Fizzle Estate to watch the Soul vs. the VooDoo, but decided to make an effort to get/remain/be fit (…ladies…) first, so we completely missed the first quarter.

And then spent ten minutes of the second quarter looking at lolcats.

To make this not take up the whole page, hit the jumpy thing.

Preview for Monday Night (Arena) Football: Philly versus Nawlins

Make no mistake: this could be a painful game to watch. Both teams are at 4-6 and limping through the season; Graziani’s status is questionable, which means, “a minute before game time Jaws will determine his arm is still totally fucked”; and if you’re watching this game it means you’re probably missing season finales of either “24″ or “Heroes”. Or a marathon of “Two and a Half Men” repeats. Or “The News Hour with Jim Lehrer.”

However, TC and I have decided to watch. Even at 4-6, it isn’t out of the question for Philly or Nawlins to reach the playoffs, and we haven’t live-blogged in a while, which is painfully apparent because pretty much everything that happened this weekend was exactly the opposite of what we said would happen. We need to get back in the AFL groove, get our hands dirty, listen to Trey Wingo be bored out of his mind.

Really, we just need to play Guitar Hero. We’ll live blog tonight on the status of JBJ’s middle digits and the awesomeness that is playing My Chemical Romance’s “Dead!” on cooperative. Rock.

What to look for in tonight’s game: weak defense from both squads, Voo Doo QB Andy Kelly to be either decent or crap-tacular, and a glimpse of Jaws running around in the locker room, looking like he’s either deep in football thought or searching for lost car keys. We can’t wait.

Actually, we probably can.

 UPDATE: Everything I wrote in this post is completely wrong.

Week 12 CMRP + Weekend Pillow Fight

The theme of the Can’t Miss Random Pick this week, following a victorious pick of San Jose over Las Vegas, is: DON’T FIX WHAT AIN’T BROKE. The CMRP is now 5-5 following our week 1 bye (also, we didn’t think of this feature until week 2), and I’d be willing to bet that potential playoff contender Utah won’t drop tonight’s game versus the horrendous, coach-less, Shaun King-less Gladiators. Las Vegas is so terrible I haven’t noticed that Tampa Bay has managed to win some football games – perhaps Primary Gruden put a disguised Jeff Garcia on loan?

ANYWAY, randomness is counting on Joe Germaine to continue to look like his head is a Peep in a microwave every time he throws the ball, and every time he throws the ball for it to go into the hands of a receiver in the end-zone.

WEEK 12 CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: UTAH 65, Las Vegas 35.

WEEK 12 WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT ONCE AGAIN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PRESIDENT’S HOT TWIN DAUGHTERS:

This week’s pillow fight is going to be painful. It’s a match between a team that can’t find its rhythm and a team that started strong but is in an uncontrollable tailspin.

We’re talking about the Philadelphia Soul hosting the New Orleans VooDoo. And we’re talking about Monday Night (Arena) Football.

This game will feature bad reads, turnovers, and dropped passes. You’re going to see drives that go nowhere, like Charles Barkley playing golf. You’re going to see both teams commit my favorite metaphor that I’m fairly sure I coined at least in part: squatting over and dropping a collective sporting turd on the field.

You might see Jon Bon Jovi give the double bird to the refs, or if things get really ugly, his own team.

You might see Jaws get so distraught he actually suits up and gets behind center.

You might see all of these things.

I will not. Because I don’t think I could bring myself to watch this game even if doing so would get me my own pillow fight with the President’s daughters and a guarantee there will actually be Social Security left for me when I retire in 2000never.

Enjoy the game, sado-masochist viewers!

Good Morning, Sunshine

Brief notes on things humans might find interesting. I am keeping int brief because I just discovered 30 Rock this week, and I just discovered that you could watch it on NBC.com today. So, I’m going to level with you: my schedule’s pretty much full.

The Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Footballwas in The Vegas over the weekend, and I received a text message Saturday evening that said “The GA  Force are giving 8 points to the No Voodoo going away. The V must suck,” to which I responded “GA is really good, and NO are the streakiest bunch of streakers to ever streak. Give those points.” He won. I am a genius. Thank you, AFL, for making me look smart. Smarter. Okay, smart-ish. Also of note, he placed a $5 bet (and won $9.50) because he was a sissy. And then lost at craps, and told his special ladyfriend that she was bad luck, and that went over about as well as you’d expect. But I digress.

Secondly (and perhaps more importantly), your ISF Team will be actually attending a real life Arena League Competition this evening at Chicago’s “Allstate Arena” Rosemont Horizon Venue For Monster Truck Rallies, Secondary Professional Leagues, College Basketball, and American Idol Tour Concerts. This is something we’re very excited about and hope to document. So, if you happen to be watching or attending the game, look for us. We’ll be the ones attempting to visibly radiate ironic detachment. I’ll try to think of some more obvious descriptor later. Early prediction: Chicago 72, Philadelphia 56.

Back to 30 Rock.