BREAKING: Commissioner Hagrid! What Will We Do Without You?

In a surprise move two days before the Arena Bowl, and one year after signing a contract extension, Commissioner David Baker resigned his post for reasons… mysterious.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I never thought I would do this for the rest of my life,” Baker told The Associated Press. “The league has never been stronger … it gives me the opportunity to look into doing other things.”

…

“There’s a lot of great opportunities for this league.” Baker said. “So this is a good time for me. If I didn’t go now, there would be no other career for David Baker.

“Like my good friend John Elway, I am going out on top.”

Bullshit. If it doesn’t turn out that he was called back to Saltfjellet by Hrungnir, King of All The Mountain Giants, I’m calling shenanigans on this whole thing. Because a world where Commissioner Hagrid resigns because he’s bored, and not because he must take part in a 10,000-year-old ancestral tradition of hewing forests, draining lakes, and piloting the mighty glaciers themselves is not a world in which I want to live.

Nevertheless, fans and employees of the Arena Football League owe David Baker a debt of gratitude for the last 12 years of work, which saw consistent growth in team value and visibility, a shocking increase in media coverage (thanks, Worldwide Leader!), and the ability to mock the leadership of every other sport. Bud Selig, Roger Goodell, David Stern, and especially that troll Gary Bettman should thank their lucky stars they no logner have to be shown up by the commissioner of a second-tier sport in professionalism, fan-friendliness, and the ability to crush coal into diamonds.

It’s Still Football wishes Mr. Baker the best, and would be remiss in neglecting to mention that meeting the guy last year was insanely great. We also might have been inebriated. But that shouldn’t detract from the fact that we were duly impressed by his magnificence

I hope he still takes care of all the Arena Bowl XXII pomp and circumstance, because it’d just feel weird to have Ed Policy hand over the 10-Ton Foster Trophy.

Godspeed, You Titan; You Showed Us How a 7'6" Bazillionaire Should Act

Who Has the Inside Track To The Virgin Bowl XXII? And Where’d That Reference Come From?

If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.

That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.

Weekend in Review: We Continue to Have No Excuses

We wanted to take the time to make sure that our analysis would be as in-depth and accurate as you, the reader, have come to expect. No, that’s a lie. We apparently simply couldn’t be buggered to reflect on the week’s AFL news, during which we actually watched some games and stuff.

Also, we’re going to combine a little serious information in this post: Week 9 of the season is “V Week,” where the Arena League and ESPN are combining to raise money and whatnot for cancer research. If you want to donate, the number is 800-4JIMMYV and you can hit the V Foundation’s website at www.jimmyv.org.

Okay, that was serious. Now for vaguely funny stuff you already know! WITH GREAT SPEED! And total inaccuracy!

Cleveland 83, LOS ANGELES 69

The Gladiators took advantage of a little-known rule where, if they solve a sequence of puzzles, not only do they get to move their away game to the Isle of Myst, they also get to play with rocket shoes.

Orlando 65, GEORGIA 62

Wait, the Predators and the VooDoo lead the South? Bullshit. I don’t believe in this season. As you may have gathered by how blatantly I’m phoning this post in. I regret everything, and will make it up to the planet with my mid-season reviews. Oh, the game? Very exciting. Blocked field goal to seal it. Jay Gruden broke Shane Stafford’s leg with a tire-iron, and Stafford was replaced by Kofi Annan:

KANSAS CITY 55, Colorado 53

Brigade win! Brigade win! John Dutton and Kristy Lee Cook both lose! Colorado had a chance at it, but couldn’t successfully score on the two-point conversion. Also, I just learned that Kansas City is sponsored by Southwest, so I assume that their uniforms will become that funky orange and red color combo, and they can retain the blue. I tried to mock this up but it looks so bad.

New Orleans 60, ARIZONA 36

New Orleans forced turnovers! [Gasp!] Arizona might have to give away season tickets! [Gasp!] LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] isn’t going to get the job done, but might it actually be… his evil twin?

San Jose 61, UTAH 40

Did you know Darren Arbet was sitting on 99 victories until last night? And did you also know that when you are struggling, you ought to play Utah? Because you will most assuredly win! 100 victories for Glorious Leader Arbet! He was reported to smile after the game, but this is unconfirmed.

New York Dragons 66, TAMPA BAY 47

Brett Dietz needs to not turn the ball over. Brett Dietz has a charming family. Brett Dietz throws for many yards and many touchdowns. Sadly, Brett Dietz had two interceptions, a lost fumble, and a safety. Brett Dietz would like some line help, please. Apparently, Tim Marcum was on the phone this week, hiring and firing, including picking up Monty Montgomery. Whose name places him among my favorite players, and I like to imagine that the meeting between he and Dietz will look something like this:

When asked for comment, Montgomery responded by throwing down his pencil and exclaiming “Damn!”

CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 52

With Sherdrick Bonner out due to a knee injury, Russ Michna captained the Rush to a victory over a scrappy Grand Rapids team that wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately for the Rampage, the goblin giving instructions to the coaching staff shrieked “GO FOR THE WIN, EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEH!” instead of letting Brian Gowins kick for the tie on Northwestern Alumni Outing Night That Joe and I Didn’t Go To Because We’re Idiots.

Arizona’s Freebie Watch

“Free season tickets? Not on MY watch!”

[Gasp!] “LANG CAMPBELL!” [Dramatic chord!]

“YES! It is I! Sent to ensure that the Arizona Rattlers season ticket holders will be disappointed to a mathematically perfect degree!” [Organ run, dramatic chord]

“But, why, LANG CAMPBELL?” [Chord progression] “Why?”

“There’s no time to explain! I must successfully convert this two-point try to put a stake in the heart of both Tampa Bay fans, and cheap Arizona fans!” [Disappears in puff of smoke, successfull two point conversion]

“Noooo! You may have won this time, LANG CAMPBELL,” [Dramatic Chord] “But Brett Dietz does not take this sort of thing lying down. Brett Dietz will get you. Oh, yes. Brett Dietz.”

¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.