It’s Here! Today! We’re going CoverItLive-style, and you know what that means: no embedding! Following links! Extreme laziness!
Who will take home the Kraken of professional sports trophies? San Jose or Philadelphia? I know I predicted San Jose, but I really want to see Bon Jovi hoist this thing with his spindly arms.
Keep in the care of this guy? No. Hell no.
To follow the liveblogging extravaganza follow the mighty link: TO THE LIVE BLOG!
This Guy? Maybe.
This Guy? Could Be...
So, as we’re all well aware, there’s a crazy gimmick for tonight’s MN(A)F game: your announcing crew is… everybody! We’re going to try to document this disaster. My theory: train wreck that a plane crashes on to, the wreckage of which is loaded onto a tanker which runs aground in the Aleutian Islands, and everyone who isn’t eaten by polar bears is picked up by a zeppelin that explodes.
Other analysis: Philadelphia by 17. Georgia has been awkwardly stumbling from game to game on defense, and hasn’t really found a rhythm on offense. Philadelphia is (a) operating like a surgeon and (b) irritated about letting their guard down last week. Let’s see what happens.
We’re also going to try this liveblogging software thing, and if it works, great, if it doesn’t… Sorry, four people.
If you’re interested, do this thing:
Okay, you should be seeing frames, and you’re probably not. Work, dammit! And if it doesn’t end up working, go here: LIVEBLOG!
That was fun. My thoughts, from the end of the liveblog were thusly:
I think we were best served when Ray was commenting by himself. Also, if we could get a more judicious use of the microphones, instead of “Hey, it’s the guys on the field all the time: isn’t that weeeeeeirrrrd?” that’d be great. Stick Ray on the sidelines, because that was cool, but let him talk more.
The game was a solid B+ (Philadelphia played pretty sloppily), and the experiment a B or B-.
Good evening. Apparently, ESPN didn’t re-license “We’ve Got it Goin’ On” for this year, in favor of some random instrumental track. Oh, will the belt-tightening brought on by the sub-prime crisis never abate?
We get Dave Pasche, Shaun King, and some other guy Ray Bentley tonight.
Shaun King, Re: John Dutton: “He’s hot like fish grease!”
(FYI – I cheated and TiVoed most of this game, so timecodes represent time remaining in the quarter.)
14:54 – Harmon lets the kickoff bounce off his leg and back out of bounds for a weak touchback. Dutton whips his first pass to a wide open friend of the blog Ben Nelson. ESPN kindly explains the game to us, which leads to this gem from Shaun King: “Stay within these rules, you can make big plays.” Intriguing. Also an interesting stat: Ben Nelson has only been on the losing team in 9 games. That’s wild.
12:28 – Dutton to Nelson, touchdown. XP is good, 7-0 Colorado. It’s apparently hard to hear in Dallas. In explaining the new Jack linebacker rules, ESPN chose a play where the Jack linebacker stands stock still for the whole play. That was illuminating.
11:52 – Chris Sanders goes to work, with a wild overthrow on the hitch and go. The most exciting play so far has been a 7-yard pitch play. Woo! Josh White also catches a fullback screen. The Desperados seem to enjoy the conservative playcalling. Official Roommate of It’s Still Football: “They just mentioned ’2nd Team All-Arena.’ They should be required by law to tack ‘… for whatever that’s worth,” to the end of that sentence.”
7:33 – Pitch to White, he walks in untouched. 7-7 ballgame. Dolezel is calling plays that make him look awesome.
This announcing team made the same mistake that Jeopardy! made – Alex Trebek said that nobody had missed an answer before the commercial break, but the girl on the right missed “Iodine.” This announcing team said that neither quarterback made an incomplete pass, but Sanders did on the very first play by Dallas.
6:52 – Quinnie got murdered into the boards by… 21, and holds on to the ball. 1st down, and a completely ludicrous dance ensues. Pasche mentions how impressive it is that Dutton throws the ball before the receiver made the break, which leads to a sarcastic 15-minute dissertation that culminates in “Are these 2nd-tier football players, or GENIUSES that play this game?” from Official Yeti Roommate.
Winfield Garnett stands Colorado FB Robert Thomas at the two. I will be decidedly impressed if Colorado holds… They do not. Ryan asks if it was Sir Isaac Einstein that ran it in for the score.
3:13 – 14-7 Colorado.
3:05 – Dallas takes over. Sanders gets whacked in the end zone and flops like nobody’s business trying to draw a penalty before firing a rocket into the crowd. Sanders to Pettis, and the defender drags Pettis to the boards, and scares the shit out of three girls sitting in the front row. I think you need to hit on those girls if that happens next time. A running play brings us to the end of the first quarter. Boo. “Does ESPN realize that by giving money to this league, they’re depriving the world of really fast couriers? Construction workers?”
Hooray! A Jerry Jones interview! Who woke him up from his nap for this? Two vaguely exciting plays happened, and Jones didn’t skip a beat in his bland platitudes about how wonderful sports are. Chris Sanders has the unsteady footwork of a newborn gazelle, by the way. He is able to bootleg for the touchdown, however, as Jerry Jones starts talking about the Cowboys. I don’t think he’s watching the game at all.
11:52 (2nd) – 14-14. Jerry Jones is STILL talking, and it’s boring as crap. Though if you’re interested in the Cowboys… no, you’d still be bored.
ONSIDE KICK RECOVERED BY DALLAS! Jerry Jones raises his voice a little bit to be heard over the fact that the crowd is going nuts. The announcing team asks “Mr. Jones” (extremely polite young men, these announcers) about Darren McFadden, and Jerry responds with “Well, he should’ve won the Heisman. No disrespect to [pause, as Jerry wracks his brain to recall] the winner.” Nice, Jerry.
9:44 – JESUS CHRIST STOP TALKING TO JERRY JONES.
8:44 – Finally. I wish it were KSK’s version of Jerry Jones. The real Jerry Jones is dull, dull, dull.
Kevin Nagle (East Strousberg?) goes off with an injury, and Pasche recaps everything we were missed while being lulled into a coma by Jerry Jones. Sanders misses another receiver and Remy Hamilton sets the Arena League record for made field goals in putting Dallas ahead 17-14 with 7:25 left in the half.
6:51 – Dutton to Quinnie in front of those girls in the front row again, and they freak out again. Oh, yeah, if you’re curious: I’m quasi-live-blogging this, because I started the TiVo, and I’m about 10 minutes behind right now.
5:10 – Dutton to Pyatt, Pyatt makes a nice move along the seam, and goes in for the score. The extra point is shanked right, but the good news for Colorado is that the kicker got whacked in the earhole, and they get another shot at it. The bad news for Colorado is that he misses the kick in the other direction this time.
2:43 – 2 deep passes by Sanders go awry, and then a less deep pass completely fails, following which we are treated to a story about Chris Sanders’ mom talking Jerry Jones into signing her son. Really? That’s vaguely stage-mother-ish. Though, hilariously, she tried to get him to sign Chris to the Dallas Cowboys “Well, she… ah… kind of stalked Jones a little bit,” says one of the non-Shaun King announcers, before going on to say that she left the packet of clippings and whatnot at a dance recital for Jones’ granddaughter. Yeah… that’s a little creepy.
1:51 – A pass interference penalty on Floyd will keep this drive alive. “[Floyd] did the smart thing and just grabbed Bush.” Hee.
Clint Dolezel is pissed at Sanders, by the way. They just bitched at each other about slants v. something else, and Sanders was directed to “Just make a decision.”
With 16 seconds left, Josh Bush catches the pass in the first row, and then Floyd gives him a shove after the play is over. That was decidedly awesome. “Okay, I liked that,” admits Ryan.
Remy Hamilton misses off of left iron, and then Colorado tries to return it all the way back, and fails. The highlight, however is that Dustin Barno makes one big block and one smaller block without his helmet. I don’t know how he lost it, but that was fun. Halftime!
14:30(3rd) – The first offensive play play of the second half sees Sanders throwing into the fourth row as he’s falling on his ass. His mom is, no doubt, displeased. Criss Angel (really? I somehow doubt it. Oh, and you might want to turn your sound down.) screws up an interception or at least a pass deflection. Marcus Nash is afflicted with the dropsies, but Will Pettis can hang on to the ball. Pettis flips the ball off the net, and then bonks it off his helmet. Dr. Dolezel is barely amused. He provides the flicker of a smile and a quantum nod, and that will be sufficient for you, Mr. Pettis.
Question (from ESPN): “What do Kristy Lee Cook of American Idol and the AFL have in common?”
Answer (from the peanut gallery): “Both are cheap knockoff sluts of the real thing?”
11:20 – 24-20, Dallas, and Remy Hamilton kicks off to Jason Harmon… touchback. John Dutton’s sister-in-law is Kristy Lee Cook. Seriously – her countrified “Eight Days a Week” was a compelling argument for capital punishment. Ray Bentley apparently is the one that watches AI in the broadcast booth. Shaun King doth protest too much: “I like it… I just don’t get much time to watch it.” And now we get a three minute Simon Cowell discussion that ends with includes “If you think Simon’s bad, you should hear a football coach.” Riveting commentary. Fortunately, they do comment on Luke Pettijohn just brutalizing Dutton. That followed his second incompletion late enough that it drew the late hit flag.
8:58 – Dutton to Nelson, who traipses past an apparently asleep Dallas defender for the score. Seriously, the guy played it like they were operating with two-hand-touch rules. Correction – his two incompletions were erased by penalties. So, he’s still perfect. AGH. More American Idol talk? All right, Dutton’s talking about how his wife gets cranky when Simon criticizes Kristie Lee Cook.
When asked about Mr. Cowell, Dutton responds, “He’s just lucky he’s not criticizing us, because that wouldn’t fly in professional football.” WHAT? What does that even mean?
Why haven’t we been talking about the Dutton foundation? We get 4 follow-up questions on American Idol, but one reference to his charitable foundation?
7:28 – Pettis commits some scary offensive pass interference, but it’s not called, he turns on the afterburners for the score. The XP clangs off the post, and it’s 30-26 Dallas.
5:55 – Bobby Perry intercepts a tipped ball, and this could be serious trouble for Colorado.
Shaun King with the useful commentary! He notes that the Dallas D-line is getting closer and closer to Dutton, and that could change the tide, if the Colorado O-line is getting worn out.
4:39 – Sanders to Pettis is juuuuuust complete. Touchdown, Dallas. “Wrong read, but he made it,” snarks Dr. Dolezel. 37-26, Dallas Meanwhile, this year’s Arena Bowl commercial is infinitely less irritating than last year’s, but also is infinitely lower-budget.
3:07 – Offsides on Dallas, though one could argue that the motion man was screamingly offsides as well. New stat from ESPN: souvenirs. A reasonable checkdown pass from Dutton to Thomas earns them the first down, and the next pass goes into the stands, and as Aaron’s Lucky Fan of the Game holds it aloft in celebration, it’s stolen by the woman behind her, and then stolen from her by some bearded dude in the next row up. The original recipient gets the ball back, and hands it back to the thief, who hands it to some younger guy next to her. This ball is being passed around like the drunk girl at a party. Dutton throws two more balls from his backside, basically, and turns the ball over on downs to end the 3rd quarter.
Dustin Barno almost gets a pick on the second pass of the 4th quarter, but Sanders follows with a nice pass to Nash for the 1st down.
13:13 (4th) – Sanders to a wiiiiiiiide open Pettis, standing still at the 2. He crawls into the end zone to put Dallas up by 17. 18 with the extra point. 44-26 Dallas. Rashard Floyd was made to look like a complete imbecile by Chris Sanders looking deep on that play.
12:09 – Jason Harmon looked to have a 48-yard return, but he was pushed into the boards far earlier. Dutton to Nelson makes up most of that yardage.
ESPN mentions AFL’s unbeatens, including, bafflingly, Cleveland. It’s mentioned that Shaun King spent some time with that franchise. It is not mentioned that Shaun King may or may not have been a large part of why they were sickeningly awful.
9:04 Ben Nelson is left alone in the back of the end zone, and Dutton finds him. Another extra point doinks off the left post, and I agree with John Dutton: why have they not been going for 2? 44-32, Dallas.
BEST WIRED UP EVER. Chris Sanders: “Hit me in the head! HIT ME IN THE HEAD! [a lineman complies] Thank you.”
7:54 – I’m also pleased about the attention that the broadcast team is paying to the fact that Dr. Dolezel is the offensive coordinator when he’s uninjured.
7:05 – Rashad Floyd doesn’t totally make up for his earlier error, but does grab the tipped ball for the interception. Colorado could get back into this – check that, Will Pettis intercepts Dutton’s pass, and takes it back to the 10. Oh well. Shaun King: “I can understand, having played the position, that it’s very difficult to throw when they’re hitting you every play.” Hm… was that the problem, Shaun?
5:47 – Sanders whangs a play that Dr. Dolezel could’ve completed in his sleep. Dr. Dolezel responds with a scowl and the following: “Same play.” “What?” “Same. Play.” And Sanders fucks up that play too. Jesus. They send Remy Hamilton out for the field goal, which he misses, and then they interfere with the catching of the kick. Well, this has been a series of missed opportunities.
4:15 – Colorado takes over with a 5-yard bonus for the kick catch interference, and after a first down, Weatherington screams into the backfield and puts Dutton into a half-nelson. Ray Bently points out that he not only appeared to have lined up offsides, but may have gotten an early jump as well.
2:31 – Interception by Perry, and that should be that. Dr. Dolezel is taking out his frustration with Chris Sanders by forcing him to run for touchdowns and lead with his head. “Bonk,” says Chris Sanders’ head the first time. The second time, he gets in untouched. XP is good, 50-32, Dallas.
1:00 warning. They’ve shown Dallas cheerleaders with some frequency, but I haven’t seen It’s Still Football’s favorite, um… what’s-her-face. Brooke!
Dutton’s Wired-up segment involves him taking full responsibility for losing this one for Colorado. That’s a bit of a downer. Oh, well, serves him right for being related to the girl who raped “Eight Days a Week.” I don’t even like “Eight Days a Week” that much.
Hey! It’s Brandon Kirsch! He’s a huge tool! He just got his ass handed to him, so, you know, that’s good. Brandon Kirsch gets a forearm to the grill from Weatherington after/during a completion to the sidelines. Brandon Kirsch, touchdown. Just call him H.R. Paddinstats. Quinnie ran into a… truck? Is there a truck parked back there? The announcing team says it’s just chairs, but I saw taillights. Now they finally give up on the extra points. The two-point conversion is unexpectedly successful! Kirsch keeps this one alive with his feet, (a skill which I don’t totally remember from his days at Purdue, but what do I know?) and somehow finds an open-enough reciever.
:31 – Onside kick fails. Well, Colorado hasn’t totally given up: Chris Sanders gets his brains beat in, which stops the clock. (Negative yardage, Dallas has the lead, there’s less than a minute left.)
:16 – Dr. Dolezel is still drawing up plays on 4th and 12. Nash baaaarely gets the first down. That’ll pretty much do it. Dallas does a solid job in their second week without their all-arena QB. Chris Sanders didn’t look good necessarily, but he was good enough. Pettis bailed him out all night, and Dutton fell apart midway through the 3rd quarter. Player of the game: totally Will Pettis, but if you go by percentage of conversation it would probably be Kristy Lee Cook or Chris Sanders’ Mom.
Your final score is 51-40, Dallas.
Good afternoon. Glad you all could make it. SportsCenter is running over, for some reason. What’s going on here? It’s 12:00 – where’s my wacky pseudo-league? Oh. I figured it out. TiVo fooled me. Let’s get it on.
12:07 – who knows how behind I am – but Chris Griesen looks ready to go. PLUS, we get to listen to the Mikes! Awesome. We get to recap Seth Marler’s doofus misses, as well as the bizarro clangs off the posts. Columbus! Georgia! Nagy! Greisen! Touchdowns! Matt Nagy knows it’s on. Doug Plank wants a warrior attitude. AFL warriors are like the Swiss Army. If it comes down to it, you don’t want to fight them, but most of the time you just are interested in their knives, and bags, and stuff. That metaphor kind of broke down.
12:12. Fat Mike takes his first crack at Fey Mike (just show up at the dance, you don’t have to be the best-looking). Matt Nagy has a playoff beard, but no playoff hair. The Scrappy Chris Griesen looks twelve. He has a really tiny head. I’ve never noticed that.
12:15 – Kickoff returned to the 10. Griesen starts off by making a nice couple of conservative passes. AND a rainbow goes to the other team. Just overthrew the crossing route. Oooh. It’s still early, though. 13:20 remains in the 1st. Griesen with a case of the nerves.
12:17 – Matt Nagy, former Delaware Blue Hen, has not shown his temper, but a dart to the end zone is picked of by Doster. Georgia and Columbus trade turnovers! Huge. My roommate says he hasn’t seen any touchdowns, so he’s bored.
12:18 – Boop-boop-boop through the commercials, and the “No Punting” graphic is noticed by Ryan (special guest roommate commentator), who immediately susses out that a missed field goal essentially equals a punt. Griesen flips a shovel pass out to the left, and they’re moving again. Even when Georgia screws up: Griesen fires the ball a couple rows deep, but the linebacker leaves the box. First down, two pump fakes and a first down to Derrick Lee, who my roommate would prefer focus on baseball.
12:22 – Mammoth sack, Ken Jones. Greisen is flung down by his right arm. 2nd and 19, and Georgia has to regroup. Troy Bergeron is out for the day, by the way, and that’s bad, bad news for Georgia. We could’ve mentioned that yesterday, I suppose.
12:24 – Georgia gives the ball over on downs. Coach says to just go for the first down, but Greisen sees Johnson gets some separation, airs it out to him. It would’ve been smarter to laser the ball to him, but he gets just enough air under it to get it broken up. Scoreless tie, with 8:04 left.
12:26 – Back from commercial, Greisen takes responsibility for the offense going nowhere. Bush makes thirty-seven Force defenders miss tackles, and a sissy push into the boards stops the play. The next flaf should be a bit of holding… and… it’s not. It’s a late hit. Weak, zebras. Well, I guess that’s a fair roughing the QB penalty, after all. But whatever. Touchdown, Cole Magner with the reception. That’s the way Greisen should be throwing the ball – darts. The Destroyers take the lead 7-0, 6:07 remains in the 1st.
12:29 – Still boop-boop-booping through commercials, and I have no idea what’s going on, because Ryan was explaining why the Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology logo is this crazy triangle-circle thing. But we digress. We’re back in with Greisen hitting things and yelling at himself. “Throw it,” he says. In. Deed.
I really like the lightning bolts on the shoulders of the Georgia uniforms. First down, Georgia and some poor family is brained by the chains. Greisen buys enough time to hurl the ball to some kid in a Vick jersey in the corner of the end zone. On the holding non-call Fat Mike with the Advice For Life: “If you don’t get caught, it’s okay.”
12:33 – Fumble, Georgia. That ball is live off the wall. Columbus on offense again. This is bad, bad news for Georgia. Good news for Georgia, though, as Nagy can’t get beyond midfield, turning the ball over on downs. Columbus isn’t taking advantage of opportunities. This game is going very quickly.
12:36 – Case in point: touchdown, Georgia. My, they answered quickly. Columbus DB wants the push-off call, but won’t get it. Martinez puts the extra point through, and it’s 7-7 with 13.5 seconds left in the first. Replay: the cornerback just fell down.
12:38 – Huge return (“MOMENTUM SHIFT,” screams Ryan) by Bush. Columbus gets the ball at the top of the second quarter in excellent field position. Ryan has begun playing drumset to counterpoint the action on the field. (Your traditional boom-boom-chick pattern, accompanied by “Aaaaaaarrreeeeeeeennnnaaaa Foootballllllllllll!”)
12:40 – I kind of like the Vitamin Water commercial with 50 Cent, where he conducts the orchestra. I think I’d get tired of it pretty soon, though. “These 7-9 teams winning the Arena Bowl will make a mockery of the Arena League like the Cardinals made a mockery of major league baseball. Not to imply that Arena Football is mock-worthy,” says Ryan. Hooray. Fey Mike calls Fat Mike prescient because he called illegal defense on Georgia.
Touchdown, Columbus. Nagy puts the ball in front of Saunders, and barrels into the end zone. That was an easy drive for Columbus. 14-7, 13:24 remains in the half. We get the “these goal posts are narrow” comment from the Mikes for the first (but probably not the last) time.
12:45 – ESPN is comparing Columbus to the New York Jets (SBIII), USA Hockey Miracle on Ice, Villanova, and Buster Douglas vs. Tyson? REALLY? Come on. That’s… obscene, really. Also, there apparently haven’t been any significant upsets in 17 years. Holmes rides the train down the sideline until he crashes directly into the kicker. You have to get around the kicker. Weak. Also, a facemask penalty puts the ball on the 5 or so. MOMENTUM CHANGER.
12:48 – Unfortunately, a short pass, and then the Jumbo package just sets up 3rd and Goal from the 1. Your giants fool no one, Georgia. Large Mike deciphers the fake run play, but Mike Jones is not fooled at all. Greisen’s crushed by Jones. Who is a very large gentleman. Time out, Georgia. 11:05 remains in the half.
12:50 – A little bunchy play, oh, and this is a disaster for Georgia, as Gerald Brown fools everyone to grab the interception and DEAR GOD, jukes the entire Georgia team and most of the front office, and brings it back for 6. That was… inexplicable. Greisen tries to arm-tackle him, but that’s the only guy that even gets a hand on him. Brown jukes no less than 7 times to take it from 6 yards deep in the end zone all the way back. Momentum… changer. 21-7 Columbus, 10:04 remains in the half.
12:52 – Gerald Brown is actually spelled “Jerald Brown.”Okay… On the replay, that was right to him. Yeesh. Greisen has to get back together, or this is the ballgame. Greisen completes the ball to Derrick Lee ANGRILY. He really just whips the ball to the sideline.
12:55 – Touchdown, Georgia. Jerald Brown gave up on that play, as he thinks he’s done enough for the day. What more do you want from Jerald Brown? He’s tired. 21-14, Columbus. 7:44 remains.
12:56 – Nagy, with the Bernie Kosar-esque delivery to the sidelines, and we’ll listen to a little chat with Doug Planck. And his constant. Nagy delivers the ball over the middle to Gross, who’s tapped into the boards. You should have to get hammered into the boards to be called down. Just pushed lightly… weak.
The EA Sports scouting report says that Nagy is out for revenge. That’s hilarious. He doesn’t have all the clubs in the bag, or anything like that. But he’s driven by REVENGE.
1:00 – Shovel pass inside the 5, and Nagy – it terrifies me to say this – looks pretty good. Especially when Umar Muhammed jumps into the neutral zone for the second time on this drive.
The ESPN Dump Button Guy is asleep at the switch, as Matt Nagy says, with complete clarity, “[something] on 2! No, no, wait, fuck that! I want to do it on 1!” Touchdown, Matt Nagy on the sneak. 28-14, 3:29 left in the half.
In other news, Fey Mike is really hammering the “Nagy is revenge-minded” card.
Greeny, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself (with limited success): “And the context has to be taken into account; the Arena Football League is… a… a… legitimatefootballlegauge…” And the ESPN torture droid hovers away, satisfied.
1:05 – Greisen pumps once, pumps twice, pumps thrice, throws a laser. First down.
1:07 – Heflin breaks up a pass, and a nice play by the Georgia WR is all that keeps him from tipping it to himself for the interception. 1:00 warning.
1:09 – Chris Jackson is the motion man, should be called offsides, but he gets the separation from the touchdown. And then, despite the fact that there’s no punting in arena football, he punts the ball into the stands. 28-21. 55.6 left. “Words can’t describe how much time Columbus has,” says Fey Mike. I respectfully disagree – I suggest you attempt to use the phrase “fifty-five point six seconds,” and go from there.
1:10 – Matt Nagy, Crankypants shows up in his interview with the Mikes. That’s cool. “Your guess is as good as mine,” as he rips off his headphones to go talk to his coach. And probably kick a puppy. But place or drop-kick it, because there’s no punting in arena football.
1:12 – Some random Georgia player on the bench just bops the referee, and I wish I knew why. Where are you now, ESPN Microphones? Where. Are. You. Now? Ooh, and for some reason the ground causes that fumble. Georgia may have gotten boned on that call.
1:14 – Matt Nagy and Coach Wilford Brimley can’t agree on a play, surprise surprise. Nagy shakes off his coach four or five times and brings the head coach into it. Then says “look inside” and goes outside. Weird.
1:16 – Awesome. At the end of another Columbus “strategy” session (including Nagy’s observation that “What are we doing, when we have all these plays to run inside the five!?!”) Nagy screams “GET A THIRD DOWN READY,” to his coaching staff, who he CLEARLY doesn’t trust. He won’t need that third down play, because illegal defense is called on Georgia. And Nagy finds the free man for the touchdown. 35-21 Columbus, 5.2 left in the half. Zoiks.
1:19 – Ryan asks if I’m eating my words currently. I am. “I hope your words taste like crow,” he says.
1:20 – A favorable clock start will leave .05, time for one play. Milligan was shoved down after the play, and takes a while to get back up, but he’s (kind of) okay. Carlos Martinez will attempt a field goal. Maybe it’s a fake? (The uprights aren’t very wide, mention #3) It’s a funny looking fake, and not only does he miss the field goal, but Columbus will take this all the way back.
But wait! A block in the back penalty will erase that 56-yard return. Jesus. And Greenberg once again mentions that he has “no words to describe” how big a momentum changer that is. You know, for a professional broadcaster, he seems to be lacking words with some frequency.
That’s the half. Columbus looks competent, and Georgia doesn’t. Shockingly.
HALFTIME ANALYSIS BEFORE I FIND SOME FOOD:
What the crap happened to Georgia? They just don’t look good. A couple easy interceptions and terrible special teams play isn’t the Georgia team I know. Also, if Columbus scores more points than Georgia, get this: they’ll win.
/HALFTIME ANALYSIS.
ESPN WIRED ANALYSIS, JUST AS A SIDE NOTE
Hey, Griesen really never gave up on that interception return (and wasn’t the one with the arm-tackle, like I thought originally), and it looks like he got blocked in the back. Scrappy. He took four or five blocks from some lineman and was with the play until what’s-his-face-scored. Oh, and I’m sure there was some audio editing involved. I don’t believe that “Oof,” is all that was initially on those tapes.
Meanwhile:
Ryan: “Am I just going to walk around with my balls out? Because that’s what these boxers seem to want me to do.”
TC: “Okay, that’s going in the blog.”
Ryan: “I’m putting some shorts on, for the good of America, then.”
THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT, THANK YOU.
Oops. Doug Plank is spelled p-l-a-n-k, which means my Planck’s Constant joke doesn’t make sense. He also was less than inspiring in his halftime speech. This bodes ill for Georgia. Also, I’m caught up to real time, now.
1:36 – Kickoff, and Columbus is on the move. Fat Mike refers to the “four corner” stall, which is from a different sport and era. That’s showing you’re well rounded, I suppose. At the end of the 19-yard gain by Bush, the Georgia defenders try to hold him up and pull the ball away. Ryan and I agree that those are the conversations that we want to hear. Can we put a “parental discretion advised” label on this? Or put it on HBO? Meanwhile, while I was discussing that, touchdown Columbus. Aaaannd they clang the extra point. That’s good for another mention of how narrow the posts are, and it’s a 20 point lead, 41-21 Columbus.
1:39 – Matt Nagy, Crankypants, refuses to answer the last question from the Mikes, who deftly turn it into a statement, rather than a question. Kickoff is returned to the 15, and is stopped again by the kicker. If the kicker’s the only guy to beat, you cut inside, not to the boards, idiot. Greisen is on the ground a lot, and isn’t connecting with his recievers. He wants to throw the ball to CJ, and the offensive coordinator complies. Jackson is open, Greisen hits him, and he barrels over the defensive back for the touchdown. The missed extra point now looms large, as Georgia converts. 41-28, 9:24 remaining.
1:46 – Ryan leaves to go to the park, read his book, and smoke a cigar. He pretends to not be interested, but he lingers to watch the kickoff, and is rewarded with a little extracurricular activity. Martinez, the kicker, is mixing it up after making the tackle. What’s going on here?
Nagy to Groce, that’s what. A nice touch-pass from Nagy over the outside shoulder goes for the score. 48-28, Columbus. The Mikes want to know, as do I, how Groce got that open, and the answer is that Georgia tried to jam the motion man. That’s idiotic. But Columbus is shocking the world.
1:51 – Excellent point by Greenberg: “Every time Georgia does something to look like they’re getting back in it, Columbus has answered.” And another lengthy kickoff return leaves Georgia with good field position. Greisen takes the helm, and if he can settle down here, they’ll stay in the game.
Greisen makes a dangerous choice to try to force a pass, but isn’t hurt by it, as it falls incomplete, and they convert on 3rd down with a running play. Lee makes a delightful one-handed catch for the touchdown – after a bit of a push-off. The defenders are furious, the Mikes are trying to muster outrage, and the score is 48-35 Columbus, with 4:07 left in the third.
1:57 – Best wired comment of this segment: some offensive player says to Nagy “That’s a good quarterback,” like he’s a spaniel or something. Awesome. Serviceable (the Mikes call it great, but I disagree) onside kick by Georgia, but no love – Columbus goes up and gets it. Georgia’s going to have to stand strong from the 11. Columbus, realizing it’s never to early for clock management, starts with the run-and-dawdle offense. Nagy then throws the fade like only he can – to a fan. It’s taken the better part of three quarters, but the Georgia crowd has gotten loud. Nagy’s pass on 3rd down is complete, but not enough for the first.
Field goal attempt bounces off both goalposts and OUT. Dear God. “Double doink” says one of the Mikes, and I’m going to incorporate that into my everyday vocabulary. I’m also going to make it obscene. A late flag that the Mikes think may have come from the fans (how great would that be) gives Georgia some breathing room… and two quick passes lead to a Georgia touchdown. That didn’t take long, and dare I say it: Momentum Changer! 48-42 Columbus, 28.1 remains in the third. Wow, that was quick.
2:03 – Another onside kick goes nowhere. Good point, Fat Mike: Bush has been killing Georgia with long returns, so why kick to him? Nagy shows a face you don’t want to see on your quarterback at the end of the third quarter. I think his goal was to look “hard,” but he missed, and landed on “kidney stones.”
2:07 – Another great Vitamin Water commercial: Casey Kane, why are you here living with a group of nomadic yak herders? Hee.
2:08 – “Stan” in Bristol(?) keeps saying “back to you in LA,” when throwing it back to the game. Stan? Are you paying any attention? Nagy misses a wide-open Saunders to start the 4th, and on the next play, Georgia stands up his wide receiver and tries to strip the ball again. GO DOWN, Columbus recievers. Also: how come we haven’t seen any Georgia buckets today? Nagy’s deep ball goes off Groce’s hands! The Mikes say it was broken up, but that’s just a drop. That’s trouble. They don’t even acknowledge it on the replays, which is a little disappointing. What’s Josh Harris, former Bowling Green Fighting Falcon, doing in the game? He lines up under center, but Josh Harris, former Motor City Bowl Foe Of Northwestern University, has to burn a time out.
2:11 – Back from the break, it looks like Columbus is going for it. The Mikes say they should be going for the field goal, and it’s the classic conundrum: don’t take points off the board vs. THE FIELD GOAL POSTS ARE VERY NARROW IN THIS VERSION OF THE SPORT OF FOOT-BALL. The gamble fails – David Sanders wants a flag as Georgia breaks up the pass by sticking to Sanders with a little collision. It looked pretty clean to me…
2:15 – Georgia is marching – a dropped pass leads to 3rd and 5, and the playcall is Rage wide (y?) Post X. What does rage mean? Motion to trips? It apparently means Chris Jackson is blindingly open. First down at the 5-ish. 1st and goal, Georgia.
2:17 – Golic gets on board with my repeated shouting of “Momentum shift!” and lo, it is so. Lob pass to the end zone, touchdown, Georgia. Georgia takes the lead 49-48, with 8:42 left. “Is the clock about to strike midnight on Cinderella?” asks Fey Mike. You know he plays Pretty Pretty Princess on road trips. Golic won’t play with him, because the ring won’t fit on his big-ass paws, and that gives him body-image issues.
2:19 – Georgia with a goofy squib onside kick that doesn’t go 10 yards before hitting the wall. I really like that! That’s a weird spin on that one, and it’s Columbus ball at the 9. Prediction: there will be a lot of scoring in this, the 4th quarter.
Ryan, my Horner Park field reporter, lets me know that instead of watching Arena Football, three boys are riding one bike: back pegs and handlebars. That’s a lot of work for the bike owner.
Josh Harris, Scourge of Northwestern Wildcats Everywhere, makes a play that is in NO WAY the way they drew it up in the huddle… Flip to P.J. Barre, who reverses field on the run(?), but Barre shot puts the ball to somebody in the back of the end zone for the touchdown. That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.
Hee:
Nagy: “No! NO! We don’t want the time out!”
Ref: “Well, you got one.”
The time out brings us more As The World Turns drama, as everybody shouts over each other, and I have no idea what happens, because the Dump Button Guy lands with both feet on the huddle. Anyway, Nagy takes control, and calls the run play for the 2-point conversion. It’s good. 56-49 Columbus. 6:34 is left in the game. Momentum?
2:25 – Ryan somehow psychically knows that we just say a run play for the conversion and texts me “If I were a fullback, I’d want all the ladies to know I was the reason they call it a ‘jumbo package.’” Nice.
2:26 – For the Ladies(…) we get insight into the Chicago locker room, and watch Matt D’Orazio’s rubdown in the Chicago/San Jose run-up.
Okay, so the insane scoring play was totally busted, and Matt Nagy admits it. Kickoff, Columbus. Another sizable return, and the Mikes are baffled as to where they’ve been the rest of the season. The special teams play today has been three to seven different varieties of shit, Mike and Mike. That’s where they’ve been. Derrick Lee sort of makes up for being offsides by coming down with the pass, and this one requires Lee to be “on his horse,” which I’m glad Greisen said. It makes him more real to me.
Lee makes a teriffic heads-up play to break up the near-certain interception. Wow, he just hammered the ball out of Brown’s hands. The next play is short of the sticks, and Griesen commits a false start after doing a hell of a job to show that he was calm in the huddle. That’s a back-breaker. 4th and 6. Greisen overthrows Jackson, but there’s a flag on the play. Everybody in the building thinks it’s on Columbus, but it’s offsides on Georgia, as the motion man gets 4 yards past the line of scrimmage. Ball goes over to Columbus.
2:33 – A run play gets blown up, and Matt Nagy, as soon as he hands it off, throws his hands in the air and groans. When he’s happy, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Nagy puts it over the left shoulder of Damien Groce again for the touchdown. It’s a 2-score game, as Columbus goes up 63-49, and Georgia has 2:03 to make up the difference.
On the touchdown – how Wheatley can blow up Groce at the line, and have Groce still get two steps of separation on him, I have no idea.
Matt Nagy does not like being asked more than one question – he moves to remove the headphones after the first question, but Greenberg deftly slips the second question in.
2:37 – After the first insubstantial return in two quarters, Georgia tries to get going. With a running clock, you’d expect a little more urgency, but Georgia brings us down to the 1:00 warning and doesn’t manage to cross midfield.
2:41 – Hillery pulls down the pass, grabs a few extra yards, and instead of going out of bounds, reverses field, and gets a couple more. Then, immediately, touchdown, Chris Jackson – it might have hit the ground, but as Mike points out, there’s no instant replay. You know, in case you forgot. XP is good, 63 – 56 Columbus, 46.1 left.
2:43 – Golic name-drops AFL receivers I don’t know, but will research. Greenberg can’t contribute, so they go back to arguing about the call. Their consensus: not a terrible call. The onside kick is set out of bounds like a volleyball, and I love that move. Genius. And we get the “team with the lead” clock rules briefing. Columbus gets positive yards, the clock runs, Georgia calls a time out. Coach Walrus has to bark at Nagy to get him to focus. Positive yards, and the calls start coming: “One yard, and we go to the Arena Bowl.” Jesus.
2:46 – The timeout huddle is bedlam. Nobody’s focused, and Columbus comes out and can’t get that yard. Nagy. Is. Pissed. Columbus calls a time-out and Coach Brimley insists that they have to throw a touchdown here. Really? What?
2:48 – No, they’ll kick the field goal, and get it. That should do it. Martinez just put them up two scores. 66-56, Columbus, and there’s only 31 seconds left. Jaws would tell us that ANYTHING can happen with 31 seconds left. Meanwhile, on the replay, it looks like Martinez is terrified of Matt Nagy. He just wants to celebrate, and Nagy wants to get all in his face and tell him “I’M VERY HAPPY! WHAT DO I DO?”
2:50 – What the hell happened there? Offsides defense, but Georgia would’ve been screwed, as Holmes runs around and wastes a metric fuckton of time. Greisen makes another weird decision to throw the ball to the underneath man after hanging on to it for too many seconds. This is over.
2:52 – They’ll try to get the field goal part of the field-goal-and-touchdown, and it’s blocked. That’s the ballgame, kids. Ryan says “This is an upset greater than the Vandals sacking Rome.” I am unimpressed, so he amends to “A bigger upset than the Ice Age taking out the dinosaurs,” and then to cover his bases, “Bigger than protozoa evolving into sentient beings.” Oooohkay.
Matt Nagy’s itty-bitty wife runs onto the field after he hurls the ball into the rafters to run out the clock, and they have coitus right there on the 10-yard-line. I may have made the coitus part up.
Sooooo… we underestimated the Destroyers again, and we paid for it. They’re going to New Orleans, and I don’t trust sports anymore. I’m worn out. But, we’ll blog about the Chicago game. I swear it.
To close us out, Ryan: “So, this win was an un-possibility?” Yes. Holy crap.
Welcome to ISF‘s continuing coverage of the AFL playoffs – tonight, the previously-maligned-turned-J’s-favorite Philadelphia Soul at the Georgia Force. After both head coaches declared victory would come with 60 minutes of intensity and Jaws walked on the field in jeans and a polo that ranks one step above flip flops and swim trunks, Georgia starts out the game by returning the opening kickoff for a TD. As a qualified individual that watched both the NCAA BCS championship game and last year’s Super Bowl, I predict this will not go well for Georgia.
…And I spoke too soon. On Philly’s second snap of the game, Graziani launches a bomb (as he’s sacked) to Larry Brackins in the end zone, who not only fails to catch the TD pass, but lets Georgia come up with an INT. If JBJ is in the house, the double bird can’t be more than a few minutes away.
After the commercial break, commentators Ray Bently and Dave Pasch (is this the new first string for ESPN2? I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve heard the siren call of Trey Wingo) use a bunch of stats (note: TC will call me a sissy if I discuss actual statistics) that Georgia is very, very good (the comedy rule of three says I should use a parenthetical to end this sentence).
Georgia’s second play of the game, Derek Lee (not of Wrigley fame) catches a long bomb from The Scrappy Chris Greisen. Georgia leads 14-0. Either Dave or Ray says that Philly needs to “circle the wagons” to get back into the fight, after which Graziani completes a pass to the state of Mississippi. Sissy Statistic Alert: Philly has the second-most regular season turnovers of any team in the playoffs, but I suspect this is in part due to the brassy Interim QB Juston “SLING IT” Wood.
Dang – I forget how big Wes Ours is. He’s like the boulder in beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark with legs. Ours’ catch sets up a TD pass to James for Philly, who trails only 14-7 after the PAT – Graziani is really calm in his post-TD interview, saying it’s still early in the game. In the amount of time it took me to write the previous sentence, Georgia scores yet again via a quick shuffle pass to Bergeron, but they clang the extra point, extending their lead 20-7. The alarm alerting me my laundry is ready to go into the dryer goes off, and I suspect that by the time I get back from the basement Georgia could be so far ahead that I’ll see a combination of cheerleaders, Mildly Freakish Mascot Blu, and small children taking the field against Philly.
Getting back just as the first quarter ends, I’m shocked to see the score is the same – turns out I don’t know as much about the AFL as I thought. Since I’ve been in a media blackout since Saturday, I flip over to ESPN to see the final tally of yesterday’s games. …WHAT. THE. HELL. I must be in the Twilight Zone or a Frank Capra movie. COLUMBUS beat DALLAS? Okay. I officially know nothing about this league, after you take away THERE IS NO PUNTING (has yet to be uttered this game) and THE GOAL POST IS VERY NARROW (mentioned twice). Not that I was planning on it, but I won’t quit my day job.
UPDATE: THE GOAL POSTS ARE VERY NARROW is mentioned a third time as Philly converts a FG, bringing the tally 20-10. Also, it turns out the footage I saw of Jaws on the field with his guys was because there was fist fight on the field prior to the game – it looks like Philly DB Eddie Moten (?) was just decked by some Georgia players taking the field. Regardless of whether or not it was Moten (UPDATE: it was, and he was talking a little trash), he draws some Georgia blood by picking up a fumble deep in Georgia territory shortly after the replay of the fight. I’m beginning to think these live blogs go much better when TC and I tag-team it up – as much fun as it is regurgitating what’s happening play by play, I’d rather discuss Graziani’s absurdly loud hard count, which he just used to perfection to bring some lineman offsides – too bad it was his own. Philly settles for a field goal, 20-13, and I giggle as I imagine Tony in the new ISF running gag, Careers Poorly Suited for Graziani’s Hard Count: this episode – Midwife (“IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FORMULA! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”)
Georgia Coach (of the Year) Doug Plank, for whom the Bears’ 46 Defense was named after by Buddy Ryan, briefly gives an in-game interview, saying that defense in the AFL isn’t given enough credit. Ray and Dave agree, then completely ignore the comments after Doug goes back to coaching.
Bergeron gets his third TD of the game off a nasty tipped pass, putting Georgia up 27-13. Considering it was Philly that tipped it into Bergeron’s arms, I think Plank’s stock footage of laying down hits for the Bears is most likely going to be the best defense I see for the rest of the game.
Graziani gets NAILED as he throws. He’s not getting up. I think Philly’s 2007 season may have just ended.
Leon Murray goes in for Graziani, and Wes Ours goes down so hard my beer just spilled. Tony’s looking like he might go back in, and I think of Minnesota Twins favorite Brad Radke, who pitched through the end of last season with an arm held in place by chewing gum and chutzpah. It’s 4th and short for Philly – THERE IS NO PUNTING. Tony’s pass is incomplete. The Georgia fans have something better than lame thundersticks – buckets with handles glued to the side and drumsticks. Surprisingly, STOMP is not a sponsor of the Force.
From 4th and short near the goal, Georgia’s offensive coordinator calls on Greisen (who looks kind of like Hayley Joel Osment in a football helmet?) to run a yo yo, like he’s calling a trick play on par with the one in Rookie of the Year when they fake out a base runner with the rosin bag. Greisen makes his way out to the huddle, then suddenly runs back to the sideline and asks if he should run an option. Greisen gets the go-ahead, and runs in the easy TD. As the Force widens the gap to 33-13, it looks like this one may already be over.
At the 1-minute warning, I’m putting in my Way Too Early Arena Bowl XXI Prediction: Georgia and San Jose. I’d like to point out that so far in the playoffs, I’ve called a full 3 of 6, so I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything I have to say, unless it’s about Brett Dietz being very interesting.
As Graziani gets hit for the sixth time, he throws a pick, but it’s ruled as a late hit and offsets a blatant face-mask by Larry Brackins. With 31 seconds left in the half, we’ll see maybe only four more scores. Didn’t intend the Lincoln-esqe alliteration there – my bad. Graziani makes up for a third down pass to the Philly bench by completing a pass down to the 10.
Tony connects with Jerry Jones for a TD with 9.4 seconds left on the board, the extra point is blocked – barring a TD bomb from Georgia, Philly will go into the half trailing by two TDs, which they could make up. In our time, we’ve seen crazier things happen in this league. Such as a team based in Texas totally blow at the game of football.
The Sunday Night Injury Bowl continues as WR Troy Bergeron, who’s been solid for Georgia all season long, has a grown man fall on his knee. This reminds me why I did nerdy stuff in high school, and continue to do such activities to this day, like play slow-pitch softball, which led to a knee injury two weeks ago when a less-than-nimble second baseman fell on my knee as I slid into the bag. So, clearly, my life decisions have done nothing but benefit my physical health. Philly gets to the half just barely preserving a two-TD defecit, following 33-19.
HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD:
“What I said the last playoff game with Philly involved applies here as well.”
/HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD
Within the first 4 minutes of play in the third, Graziani gets Philly within the Georgia 10, then throws a pick, and Greisen lobs a TD pass to Chris Jackson, but Georgia bounces the PAT off the upright. It’s 39-19, and Philly’s going to have a very hard time getting back in the game if their O-line can’t keep Graziani on his feet. Surprise – as I typed the previous sentence, Tony’s knocked to the turf again, this time one of the DT’s lands on Graziani’s leg. This is the ninth time Graziani has been knocked down – for some reason I can’t help but think of David Carr’s career with the Texans.
In the amount of time it takes me to take a leak, Philly scores – 39-26. I have no idea how they pulled this off, but I suspect it involved Graziani being on his feet for more than three consecutive seconds after the snap.
Philly almost picks off Greisen on two consecutive plays? Am I seeing a little defense? In arena ball? A hard count pulls Soul DL #98 Bryan Save off the line, and Jackson pulls in a Force TD two plays later, so I guess the answer is no. The 2 point conversion fails (yay, a little defense!), Georgia leads 45-26 as the third begins to wind down.
Listening to Graziani’s mic on the Wired Up montage of his hits throughout the game (also, we got to see three angles of his arm getting mangled earlier in the season), I am amazed that not once does he scream out an expletive. I usually curse at something as minor as the presence of clouds in the sky or cream cheese in my sushi, so I’m naturally impressed at Tony’s ability to keep his cool when his shoulder is forcibly taken out of its socket. At the end of the third, Philly is in Georgia territory, still behind 45-26.
Larry Brackins starts out the fourth quarter by pulling down a TD and Philly closes the gap to 12, 45-33. Philly almost recovers a fumble on the kickoff return, but the returner as ruled as down, so Philly doesn’t have the ball at the Georgia 10. Jackson scores a TD on the next play, Georgia misses the PAT, but the Force lead by 18, 51-33. The hope I had for Philly to get back in the game goes as quickly as it came, like the slap bracelet fad in 1996.
Force DL Mike Sutton is on my good side after he helps Graziani up after he gets knocked on his ass yet again. Two plays later on 4th and 10, he gets hit again and can’t make the completion. Sutton takes him down after he got rid of the ball, so Sutton is back to neutral in my book. Georgia takes over on Philly’s 10, and on the second play Jackson gets his 3rd TD of the half – the extra point is (surprise!) good, Georgia’s lead increases to 25 with the scoreboard reading 58-33 in their favor. With a scant 8:45 left in the game, that could very well have been the nail in the coffin of Philly’s season.
…I spoke too soon – the ensuing kickoff takes a huge bounce and Georgia recovers at their own 5. That was the nail in the coffin, as I’m pretty sure Georgia will be able to go up by another TD on this possession. They get it on the second down. The PAT clangs in, and Georgia has almost doubled up on Philly, 65-33. I’m a little disappointed for Philly, but I can’t say I’m surprised.
Chris Greisen’s Wired Up montage shows us that he likes to pound things and say “Yeah!” – it’s almost like watching that one frat guy at a party that is having a blast, or he’s Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer:
Something I’ve always found a little odd about football is that when there is little to no doubt about who’s going to win, the losing team manages to get a good drive in – Larry Brackins pulls down a TD, and after the failed 2 point conversion, the Soul have chipped away at their deficit, 65-39. All they need is to recover four onside kicks in 2:21, and they’ll walk away with the W.
With only two minutes left in the game, I feel like I can take a quick bathroom break without missing too much. Except maybe of the end of the game – time me!
And, that’s it. Graziani gets a kiss from who I presume is his mother on the sidelines – a touching moment (completely serious here) as Graziani carried the Soul throughout this season, and showed some real brass staying in this game after getting knocked on his can constantly today. Kudos to Georgia, who dominated this game from start to finish. Kudos to JBJ, who wasn’t caught on camera being obscene for a full 60 minutes. Tune in tomorrow night when TC takes the reins as the rickety Rush host Sonny Cumbie and the Avengers, the outcome of which will determine what TC decides to do with the rest of his life.
To Whom It May Concern: We’re 37 minutes late due to J Fizzle traveling at less than 8 miles per hour down the Kennedy and TC being stuck on a bus next to a woman smelling strongly of stale cigarettes who spent the first 10 blocks methodically eating blueberries out of her purse by the handful. TC studiously avoided eye contact. That said, thanks to the power of TiVo, we’re here, we’re “live,” and it’s the playoffs. Fortunately, you’re probably reading this on a different day, because, honestly, it’s Friday night: get out, people. Do things.
Philadelphia, PA! Tony Graziani! A bridge! Cheesesteaks! Other Gruden!
Stafford kinda looks like Rex Grossman,” says J Fizzle.
Other Gruden says, “It’s 20 against this building.” Riveting.
Philly coach: “We’re going to war for 4 quarters – ARE THERE ANY COWARDS AMONGST US?” They cut before the cowards can be pointed out and mocked.
Hey, it’s Captain Soul and Moxie! And… about 12 of their closest friends. The Playoffs: sparsely attended.
Tonight, your commentators are Ray Bently and Dave Pasch. I’m forced to ask: who? Joe goes back to check, and he almost has a nervous breakdown attempting to rewind my TiVo. If you want precision, Joe, use one boop, not three.
I forgot to mention in tonight’s earlier post that Tony Graziani played for the Barcelona Dragons. “It must be an emotional day for him,” says Special Guest Philadelphia Phan Josh.
14:20 Graziani and his receiver get mixed up on routes, and a 47-yard pass falls to the turf. The receiver had tons of space, but ran a corner instead of a post. Nice job.
13:50 Flag on the play, Graziani under pressure, is picked off! But, the illegal formation penalty negates that.
12:26 Graziani overthrows another receiver, and the nearly-silent crowd stirs, politely requesting a flag. None is forthcoming.
11:40. Our first mention of “there’s no punting in Arena Football,” but there is pass interference. First down, Philadelphia. We’ve also sussed out what Yo-Yo means: the motion WR goes straight backwards, and then straight towards the line of scrimmage. We are Holmsian in our deductions.
Tony Graziani pulls the Orlando defense outside like a mofo. Things Tony would not be good at: bomb squad (DON’T CUT THAT WIRE!), Faberge egg shop (WOULD YOU LIKE THAT WRAPPED!?!), Funeral home director (I’M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!)…
While we think of funny things that Graziani would be unskilled at, three straight runs get stuffed, including Graziani on 4th down. Turnover on downs, Orlando takes over at the 1 with 8-something remaining. That’s a crazy-long drive; Orlando stopped them, but the time eaten off the clock could come back to haunt them.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that we now love the Arena Bowl XXI commercial. We like Dixieland jazz, and referees that boogie, and that creepy skeleton guy who’s the Voodoo mascot. Really. It’s the highest of high art.
“The walls are 4 feet high, and they’re undefeated – they’ve never lost,” says one of the two indistinguishable announcers. What does that even mean? Forget it – Shane Stafford with a 49-yard touchdown bomb, Philly biting on a sharp pump-fake. 26 seconds have elapsed. 7-0 Orlando.
7:03 remaining, and Tony Graziani is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an enigma, as he tells us “I should’ve pulled it.” The announcers are baffled, we are baffled, and Josh asks “Do they preview these sound bites before they air them?”
6:23 remaining, and the Jack linebacker rushes instead of the Mac, and BRUTALIZES Graziani. Unfortunately, as we immediately learn, that’s wholly illegal. For those of you new to the league, the Mac and Jack linebacker are assigned their names by which side of the line the tight end lines up on. In fact, this was educational for us, as we didn’t know what created a Mac or Jack linebacker.
Hooray! We do get the replay of Graziani’s shoulder separation! Three times! Whee! Violence!
5:02. Pauley alligator-arms a touchdown pass that he should’ve pinned against the wall. The walls that, our announcing team reminds us, are live.
3:38, and Philadelphia kicks a 24-yard field goal. Joe notes that Todd France (Frantz? Which one is it?) is as ripped as Graziani. That’s a little gay, Joe. 7-3, Orlando.
Tolliver fumbles on the kickoff – too many moves! – and Philly recovers for a touchdown! Show the Soul dancers! Joe recovers from his admiration of a kicker’s physique by suggesting that he would like to take the cheerleading squad out for a pleasant seafood dinner. 10-7, Philadelphia.
Josh notes that the late Randy Walker would like the Soul, as they win every game where they have a positive turnover ratio. That was his pet stat, for those of you interested in that sort of thing.
2:27 remaining in the first, and T.T. Tolliver doesn’t get another chance to return, as the kick is off the slot and into the stands.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Orlando Predators have the longest current streak of making the playoffs in all of professional sports, tied with the Detroit Red Wings. Mind you, only 5 teams MISS the playoffs, but why quibble.
1:24, and we get a flag on the play after a long run off a screen. Facemask and offensive holding, the penalties offset, and we’ll just do it again. Josh notes that 2nd and 1 is a Hail Mary down. Not this time, though, as Johnson gets popped the instant he catches the ball. First down, Orlando.
Phew. We’re through the first quarter. Success.
14:53 Touchdown, Orlando! Stafford hasn’t missed on a pass attempt yet. The pass is caught off the bobble, as Dudley pins the ball against the wall. Cerebral. That’s staying with the play. 14-10, Orlando. It’s a shootout!
Whee! We get clips of Jay Gruden in Zubas-designed uniforms! It distracts from the slurping that the announcers give him. We think that he motivates his team by saying “If you win this game, I’ll put in a good word with my fancypants brother. Perhaps you’ve heard of him, he is a coach in the National. Football… Oh, you know… nah you probably wouldn’t be interested…”
13:20 remains in the 2nd, and Graziani has a ton of time in the pocket and uses it to throw an absolute laser to the corner of the end zone. Nobody’s back there.
11:48, and Pauley catches a little screen, zigs and zags into what looks like space, but gets upended.
10:54 The lack of instant replay screws Philly, as Pauley follows that play up with a neat little dip after the catch. The defender tried to nail him into the boards, Pauley ducked the hit, and scooted into the end zone, but they called him down by contact into the boards at the 4.
Another couple misfires, including one nice pass break up by Orlando. Graziani pleads for a flag, and it’s picked up by the mikes – that’s the best part of this whole AFL thing. Seriously. Bubble screen to Pauley, Touchdown! Maybe they’ll let him put the 9 back on the rear of his jersey. Attention, Uni Watch: the numbers are falling off of the jerseys again. Right now, Pauley is #19 from the front, and #1 from the back. Go ahead, make your sophomoric jokes.
We are left speechless by the mentally unbalanced fan who Pauley delivers the ball to in the stands. He completely loses his mind, and does the following: dances with the ball, listens to it, as if he can hear the ocean, violently lifts the ball above his head and below his waist no less than 35 times, and terrorizes small children.
While I write this, Stafford throws two balls into New Jersey. He’s had days in the pocket, but is forced to throw the ball thirteen rows deep.
Special booth guest Ron Jaworski lets us know that he watches a lot of tape. Really, Jaws? Why have you never told us about the amount of tape you watch before? I would’ve expected you to mention that if you were so proud of it.
I was so busy wielding my sarcasm that I almost missed the 4 and 10 desperation heave caught by a writhing, twisting Fryzell, that really fell incomplete, but I guess they gave him points for degree of difficulty. 1st and 10 at the something.
Fryzel looks like the goofy soldier in Stripes, notes Joe, and proceeds to quote three scenes. Which makes us miss a pass interference call, a play on which there is a second foul for using the umpire to pick the defensive player. That’s a warning. And that’s an excellent penalty to call.
“You can’t tuck in your shirt on the air, Jaws?” and “He doesn’t wear ties?” are vying for the title of “Most Curmudgeonly Comment from 4 20-somethings.”
Orlando has to settle for a field goal, which Stafford does yeoman’s work, pulling down an unpleasant snap. 2:40 remains in the half, and we have a 17-17 tie.
We get a Primary Gruden sighting, and nothing else of interest happens on the kickoff. Except for the doofus with a foam cheeseteak on his head.
We have to pause the scouting report on Tony Graziani, so I may transcribe it, verbatim:
I’ve become so much dumber for reading that. We’re trying to figure out what would constitute a “lightening” release. We think that his release may have been too heavy. That’s unhelpful. Equally unhelpful is the commentary, as Graziani “can release the ball when he wants to,” as opposed to being unable to release the ball. He’s always clutching that ball, that poor guy who’s the opposite of Tony Graziani.
1:00 warning. Josh says “It’s never too late for clock management,” everyone gives him shit, and he says he has “lightening diction.” We’re geniuses.
Trust us, you haven’t missed anything while we’ve been debating semantics.
45.8 seconds left. Pauley can’t get under the pass from Graziani as the defender gets away with just enough contact to slow him down.
4th and 3 – Graziani overthrows Sean Scott, and we get another “Stop Running Into the Umpire” penalty and a holding call. Both are declined, turnover on downs. Orlando takes over with 39.8 seconds remaining. Graziani has overthrown a lot of receivers – I wouldn’t expect those sort of adrenaline-fueled mistakes from a veteran. Shows you how much I know.
Northwestern product Dwayne Missouri stops the ludicrously delayed handoff in the backfield, which stops the clock with 25.2 seconds left. Stafford eludes four or five defenders, but gets past the line of scrimmage to keep the clock moving. 11.4 remains in the first half.
Once again: I love that they’re all miked. Stafford complains about T.T. Tolliver being held, and somebody walks up, just goes “I’ll smack the shit out of him,” and ESPN’s a little slow on the dump button. God bless you, dump button guy. Also, Shane Stafford has the thickest Cajun accent I have ever heard.
Orlando settles for a field goal, bringing the clock down under 10 seconds, and making the score 20-17, Orlando.
Oh, that’s a tactical error – the kickoff goes out of bounds, and Philadelphia will take over at the 20 with no time off the clock. Other Gruden sounds like your dad: “[Kicker], I’m just disappointed, man. We need you.”
Todd France lines up for a 38-yard attempts, and splits it down the middle. 20-20, and we’ve made it to the half.
HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION
Joe: I think that if Philly wants to win, they should score more touchdowns than Orlando.
Tom: [Silence, typing]
/HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION
And we’re back. T.T. Tolliver dances, gets nowhere. This hasn’t seemed like a defensive struggle, but both defenses are capitalizing on the playoff jitters of the QBs.
Stafford once again buys just enough time to get the ball to Fryzel, and Fryzel gets tagged again. One of Philly’s defensive linemen has been really wreaking havoc. That’s the third or fourth ball batted down at the line.
Moten, apparently, is “playing choo-choo train” by committing pass interference. That’s quite the turn of phrase, there, mostly-anonymous announcer guy.
11:06, 3rd and something, apparent touchdown, Orlando. Johnson is mid way through his celebration (mounting the boards and rowing with the ball), by the time the ref is able to announce the offensive holding, negating the touchdown. Stafford is immediately sacked, and Orlando settles for another field goal. Remember what I said about this being a shootout? I totally lied. 23-20, Orlando.
9:39 remains in the 3rd, the kickoff is returned to the 9, and we’re treated to a Brett Muncie Is Fired Up Montage. Mostly, he seems to pick a word, and he repeats it with increasing volume. As you do. Except for the time that he is exTREMEly cranky about Orlando repeatedly rushing the Jack linebacker. Which we now know more about than we did before this game started.
7:50. Graziani almost brains the side judge with a somewhat errant pass. That made my evening. In his defense, the ref was wide open. Graziani pulls Orlando offsides again with the hard count. (WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH, HERE IN THE REFERENCE SECTION?)
6:33. Touchdown, Graziani to McKelvey, who’s been strangely quiet this game. He’s a jumper, and that’s something you have to exploit, if you’re Philadelphia. 27-23, Philly.
As France tees it up, we get the seventeenth reference to the fact that Muncie and Other Gruden are best of friends. We mentioned this in a live-blog I’ll link to eventually.
5:16 left in the 3rd. Hey, it’s Captain Soul and Moxie – hi, guys. Special Guest Shouter Mike would like the foam Blues Brother head that someone’s sporting. Center Gigantor Cleveland of Orlando needs to have his finger put back in place by the trainer. We’re treated to hypothetical narration from the announcers: “Hold on, big fella, I’m going to do my business.” So, he has to sit out a play, and the backup center has no idea what the snap count is, and the motion WR makes it three quarters of the way to the New Jersey Turnpike before he snaps the ball. Cleveland comes back in, and we learn that he was shot in the chest twice, and was playing two weeks later. We are stunned, and I force the gang to pause TiVo so I can chronicle all this.
Again, he was shot. Twice. In the chest.
4:46, 3rd and 7. Stafford underthrows Ron Johnson pretty significantly. They’re going for it. Stafford is sacked and swears up a storm. Philadelphia turns the ball over at the 18.
Ideal coverage by Shell on the crossing route from Graziani, batting the ball down. If Polley catches that one, that could be the evening.
2:41. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Same play, and this time Polley is wide open. 34-23, Philadelphia. Polley gives the ball to a reasonably attractive woman in the stands. Somebody suggests it’s his wife, but I’d expect his wife to have better seats than that.
Tony Graziani takes a moment at the end of this interview to make a long-distance dedication, Casey Kasem-style. This one goes out to all the goldfish out by the Azores…
1:26 left in the 3rd. After going 5 for his first 5, Stafford’s been brutal since. He’s putting the ball on people, but his receivers aren’t getting free, and he’s had to throw the ball away a lot.
2nd and 11, penalty flag – Dwayne Missouri is offsides, unabated to the quarterback. That’s okay, Dwayne. They’ll all work for you someday. (Josh suggests that Missouri can run the Evanston-based af3 team.)
Top of the 4th Quarter: the announcers just obliquely made fun of Jay and Jon Gruden’s mom. Jay is going to kill them with his mind.
Stafford’s receivers are still having the damndest time catching the ball. Particularly egregious is the tip into the air in the end zone. The ball caroms off the crossbar, and fortunately the four Soul players in the area are caught flat-footed.
12:35. Stafford buys a ton of time, and finds Ron Johnson wiiiiide open in the end zone. An extremely late flag signifies… offensive pass interference? Wow, late AND iffy. that’ll push them back, and Orlando settles for another field goal. 34-26, Philly.
12:09. Graphic: 11 penalties on Orlando, taking 3 touchdowns and 1 interception away.
Joe : “You know that look Gruden has when he knows he’s fucked?”
TC: “Yeah…” [Typing]
Joe: “He’s had that for about 15 real-time minutes.
Gruden looks like he’s doing the pee-pee dance during his interview with the booth, he’s so irritated. Apparently his OL is more banged up than they’re showing. His center has a dislocated thumb, one of the tackles has a hamstring (something), and there’s something else wrong. If that’s true, Stafford’s a magician back there to have any time at all.
9:44. Touchdown, Philadelphia! Graziani once again stays alive for the maximum amount of time he is able, steps up, and puts it right where James can lay out for it. 41-26 Philadelphia.
Joe has a great deal of difficulty fast-forwarding through the commercials again. Mike’s of the opinion that it would’ve been quicker just to watch the commercials.
8:48. T.T. Tolliver is writhing on the ground; he comes up gimpy, and that’s more bad news for Orlando, and they can’t afford much more.
7:45 left in the 4th. Johnson makes the reception in stride, breaks a tackle and almost gets around another on third down. Orlando working on the short half of the field now.
Nyenhuis is the lineman that’s been tipping those balls at the line, if you’re curious.
Ball off the net, but nobody’s there.
Another tipped ball, and Fryzell is claiming he pinned it against the corner of the boards, but if I may speak frankly to Fryzell right now: you sir, are full of bull doody.
4:24. Interception, Philadelphia and – to borrow a Simmons Meme – there’s the Other Gruden Face. He’s thinking about how he’ll have to live in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the summer.
We also just got treated to a recap of last year’s playoffs where Philly knocked off Orlando, and apparently, Graziani had the majority of the flesh torn off his chin. Gross. Thanks, ESPN; I’m never going to be able to eat my Chinese food (delivered at the halftime we TiVoed through) now. Dammit.
3:28 left in the game. Oh – I get it! The Blues Brothers guys are Soul Men! Like the song! I apparently am the only one in the room who took that long to figure it out. Josh wants the foam heads to be based on “Jaws’ visage.” Mike asks who he’s talking about, and Joe says “Not the Bond villain. With the mandibles?” Silence ensues, broken by, “Come on! How often do I get to say ‘mandibles’?” Meanwhile, Philly fumbles inside the 10 – we’re going the other direction.
1:23 remains, Orlando down 2 scores. Stafford deep for Fryzell, who makes a valiant effort, but can’t pull it in one-handed, and that’ll bring us to the 1:00 warning. By the way, Fryzell’s really going to end up the unsung hero of this one.
Well, we hit the end of the TiVo, and skipped 4 minutes. Included in that 4 minutes apparently was… some variety of turnover. On downs. Maybe.
Anyway, Philly has the ball, they just have to get positive yards, and, we’ll call it a day.
Final score: 41-26, Philadelphia. Those penalties completely broke the back of Orlando. Philly moves on, and didn’t look like a complete team, but got the job done. However, they run in to Dallas or Georgia next week, and if they played like they did this week, it’s going to be wildly insufficient.
It’s 9:30, we’re going to get drunk and play Guitar Hero. Look for your analysis in the morning afternoon. I’m not getting up that early.
I’m going to clean this up, eventually. Right now, I’m playing against the sacred liveblogging tradition of latest posts up top, but I hope to remedy that situation. [Update: LIES! I'm leaving this in chronological order, at least for right now. Because... I am. Shut up.] [Update, Part Deux: I missed something tremendous, and I couldn't be sorrier. I've inserted a link at the appropriate timestamp.]
Force! Soul! They reportedly have it goin’ on on ESPN2! Graziani! Griesen! I’m “stoked”! Jump! Read the rest of this entry »
8:26 – And that’s it. Game over, Dallas 70, Orlando 49. Good times. Time to take a nap. You want to read the rest? Guess you better jump and start from the bottom. Read the rest of this entry »
We’re going to try for a first here tonight at It’s Still Football and provide an actual live-blogging live-blogof tonight’s much anticipated match-up between the undefeated Dallas Desperados and the Other-Gruden-led Orlando Predators. Catch all the action on ESPN2 starting at 7/6 central, catch all the updates on the status of J Fizzle’s salsa supply here.
This is all assuming, of course, J Fizzle makes it home in time for the game. TC will have to sit this one out as he must spend the evening scouring the country for strangle-worthy songbirds for the Overlords, so instead of witty and insightful quips from TC, you’ll have to settle for fart jokes from J Fizzle. If he makes it back to his place. And if his cable is still operational.
This has ‘disastor’ written all over it.
This could be the focus of tonight’s blog.
Yes, that’s right: ESPN is calling their coverage of AFL games that happen after the standard work day on Mondays ‘Monday Night Football’, the biggest issue being that with the hoopla of Stupid Ben Franklin’s Daylight Savings Time Pain in the Ass, this game is, in reality, taking place Monday morning.
TC has been more or less incommunicado today, making it difficult for us to arrange what will hopefully become a regular standing appointment of drinking beer, playing TC’s copy of AF:RTG, and perhaps actually watching and live-blogging (for later-week posting) the game. I’m not sure exactly where he is, but I suspect since he isn’t answering his email he is out in the field scouting fresh puppies for the afternoon feeding of his Investment Banking Overlords, which may or may not roll over into the Evening Investment Banker Hooker Patrol, so for tonight’s match-up I may be sadly on my own.
Since I am up to my ass in filing duties, I’ll do the per-usual lazy-ass link to a page on ESPN where someone that actually knows about Arena Football was paid to write something about it. In summary:
So, it looks as though Orlando has the edge tonight, but Los Angeles’ uniforms actually look kinda cool. It’s a toss up. Check back for the live-blog sometime after it would be appropriate to call it as such. TC may or may not weigh in on this game, depending on the ready availability of adorable, delicious puppies.
