Jerry Jones is not answering his phone

Ten seconds from steam shooting from his ear canals.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

CLICK BEEEEP

Hello, you’ve reached the office of Jerry Jones, Football Mastermind of the Dallas Cowboys and Desperados. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now, but if you leave a message after the tone I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. If you’re one of my players looking for bail money, please dial 0 for the operator.

BEEP

Hey, Jerry, it’s Jon again. Just wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing. I know how seriously you take these things, and I don’t want you to get too down in the dumps. Think about your blood pressure.

So, yeah… I’m on tour in Europe right now, but I’ll be playing Madison Square Garden next month. You want some tickets? The All American Rejects are playing too, maybe that’ll make you feel better?

Come on, Jerry, pick up the phone.

It’s no fun kicking your ass twice a year in this rivalry if you’re going to be a little bitch about it. Get over it, man. Call me.

CLICK BEEP

[Jerry stares vacantly at phone as dried Cherry Garcia flakes off two-day stubble]

They Got There First: Bon Jovi Doesn’t Mind Losing Money

Fanhouse has the recap of the 60 Minutes bio on Bon Jovi, where the subject of the Soul comes up. Apparently, he does it because he likes owning a sports team. That seems fair. [Fanhouse]

A Game? Tonight? That’s Important? NO WAY.

Hey, Joe’s moving, and I’m trying to create a cohesive lighting design out of, like, mold and Edison’s first light bulb, and stray electrons that wander into the room, so, generally, we suck, but: WATCH THE DAMN-HELL-ASS GAME TONIGHT! We fully intend to point-counterpoint and whatnot, so, there’s that. But!

Graziani’s hair D’Orazio’s magic back and grit! Dr. Dolezel’s prowess, sexual and otherwise! Will Dallas be pulled offsides by Graziani’s hard count? [Update: No. The bastard still isn't playing. Also, I'm an idiot for not knowing that.] Will Philly’s defense harass the unflappable Professor? (This quarter he tought a course on Playcalling Out of Spite! “You there, Sandy! Run directly at that large angry man!”) Will Will Pettis… hee: I just wrote “Will Will!”

ANYWAY. All these storylines and probably more… TONIGHT! ESPN2!

Oh, P.S. HOLY SHIT THEY’RE BOTH UNDEFEATED! DID YOU KNOW? IT’S FUCKING NUTS! AAAAAH! [Runs around in tiny circles.]

Week 2 Power Rankings: let’s not talk about #1

“Are you not entertained?”

Say it ain’t so: New Orleans in an upset win, Cleveland Whatevers on the playoff fast track, Chicago in a sloppy loss? Well, sadly, we can believe that last one. Ripping off Grampa Gary, Can’t Miss Random Pick, and Weekend Pillow Fight are calling you after the jump.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Philadelphia Soul

The City of Brotherly Love loves guys in suits, so long as the suit isn’t red and the guy is Santa Claus.

Facts:

• National Conference, Eastern Division
• 8-8 in 2007, lost in the divisional round to forceful Georgia
• Celebrity owners Jon Bon Jovi and Ronnie “Jaws” Jaworski made it to half of the home games Tony Graziani wasn’t injured
• If you watched any of ESPN’s coverage of anyAFL game last season, you may have heard that Jon Bon Jovi and Ron Jaworski were co-owners of the Soul

Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

The Philadelphia Soul with a healthy Tony Graziani: tasty. The Soul with an injured Tony Graziani: salty. His new backup, former Rush starter Matt D’Orazio, is not invincible, but perhaps a little more experienced than the Soul’s previous interim QB, Juston “SLING IT” Wood. Bret Munsey is as good as any head coach in the AFL, although if absolutely necessary, we’re sure either TC or myself could put on some headphones and tell the fastest WR to go deep. Despite losing some key players in the off season (see: Dwayne Missouri), the Soul are still a better team than last year’s record would make you think. This years’ team should be just as feisty on offense and stout on D.

Bullet Points About People:

• Given his hard count, Tony Graziani might struggle in the real world
• FB/LB Wes Ours will literally devour the competition
• Former standout Georgia Force WR Chris Jackson has the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man

The Good:

Healthy southpaw Graziani. The return of rumblin’ bumblin’ stumblin’ Wes Ours. The addition of Chris Jackson. Celebrity owners helping attract fans. Soul food is fucking delicious.

The Bad:

Losing Dwayne Missouri. Graziani’s accuracy when he’s pressured or dislocates his shoulder. A division with Dallas, Columbus, New York, and Cleveland. Ronnie Jaws in Bermuda shorts. Soul food will fucking kill you.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Soul go 10-6, lose to Georgia in second round. Jon Bon Jovi gets a lifetime achievement Grammy. Jaws and Graziani open a deli and option rights for a sitcom.

Okay, so it’s Week 2 of the Playoffs: Point/Counterpoint (Philly at Georgia)

Muppet-esqe mascots with measles agree [JESUS CHRIST, that's terrifying! -TC]: Sunday’s game between Philadelphia and Georgia could be, dare we say, exciting? Maybe we’ll just settle for “probably better than the previous games previewed”.

SUNDAY: Philadelphia at Georgia, 7pm ET.

J SAYS: When Philly has Tony Graziani at the helm, the Soul look as good as anyone on the field, except of course for the Soulmates. As we learned in his scouting profile, Graziani “has all the throws” and a “lightening release”, not to mention a deafening hard count that either draws the defense offsides or kills birds in mid-flight (Tony would be great as a caretaker for the elderly – “IT’S TIME FOR YOUR SPONGE BATH, MR. CURMUDGEON”). However, Georgia has been dominant since the beginning of the season. QB Chris Greisen is good enough to pull a Kurt Warner, receivers Chris Jackson and Tony Bergeron are two of the AFL’s best (I know, I know, statistics are for pussies), and Georgia is hosting tonight’s game. I’ll take drunken southerners over denizens of the City of Brotherly Love any day of the week, unless Santa Claus is involved.

TC SAYS: I really like Chris Griesen. He got the crap audibly kicked out of him in the Philly/Georgia game in Week 6, shook it off and continued to throw daggers. If he’s not the next quarterback to make the jump to the NFL, the he’s the next AFL lifer, and I think his counterpart across the field this week, Tony Graziani, would agree that there are worse things in life than playing a game you enjoy and getting paid (if not handsomely, then at least consistently) for it. J’s got an excellent point in that Philadelphia is a team of winners with Tony Graziani (“I REALLY LIKE YOU BUT I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE!”) at the helm, and a team of strangers when he’s not. They’re not as dominant as, say, Grampa Gary expected them to be at the top of the season, but they’re certainly a dangerous team. Since Graziani came back, they’ve lost to Dallas by three, and to Tampa Bay’s Dietz Machine. Soooo…

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Not to knock on Philly, but Georgia can be overwhelmingly dominant. The Force won’t make the errors that killed Orlando when they played Philly last week, and as good as Graziani is, he may be hard-pressed to keep up with Greisen. We may get treated to a few more JBJ double birds this weekend. (TC) The only team that was ever going to be a challenge to the Dallas/Georgia dominance in this conference: Philadelphia. This one’s a-gonna be a duel.   

J’S PREDICTION: Even though Philly will stay in the game, Georgia will be in control from the start to finish. Lucky for us, Jaws’ tears grant immortality and the uncanny ability to break down game tape.

TC’S PREDICTION:You know what? I think this’ll be the only upset this week. That’s right, I’m going out on a limb and saying The Scrappy Chris Griesen’s season ends on Sunday. And that’s a shame, because he seems to be a sturdy fellow. These are the best kind of predictions, because if I’m right, hey, I’m right! If I’m wrong, the team I also like still won!

BrettDietzBrettDietzBrettDietz

Brett Dietz.

Brett Dietz.

Brett Dietz.

Preview for Monday Night (Arena) Football: Philly versus Nawlins

Make no mistake: this could be a painful game to watch. Both teams are at 4-6 and limping through the season; Graziani’s status is questionable, which means, “a minute before game time Jaws will determine his arm is still totally fucked”; and if you’re watching this game it means you’re probably missing season finales of either “24″ or “Heroes”. Or a marathon of “Two and a Half Men” repeats. Or “The News Hour with Jim Lehrer.”

However, TC and I have decided to watch. Even at 4-6, it isn’t out of the question for Philly or Nawlins to reach the playoffs, and we haven’t live-blogged in a while, which is painfully apparent because pretty much everything that happened this weekend was exactly the opposite of what we said would happen. We need to get back in the AFL groove, get our hands dirty, listen to Trey Wingo be bored out of his mind.

Really, we just need to play Guitar Hero. We’ll live blog tonight on the status of JBJ’s middle digits and the awesomeness that is playing My Chemical Romance’s “Dead!” on cooperative. Rock.

What to look for in tonight’s game: weak defense from both squads, Voo Doo QB Andy Kelly to be either decent or crap-tacular, and a glimpse of Jaws running around in the locker room, looking like he’s either deep in football thought or searching for lost car keys. We can’t wait.

Actually, we probably can.

 UPDATE: Everything I wrote in this post is completely wrong.

Week 12 CMRP + Weekend Pillow Fight

The theme of the Can’t Miss Random Pick this week, following a victorious pick of San Jose over Las Vegas, is: DON’T FIX WHAT AIN’T BROKE. The CMRP is now 5-5 following our week 1 bye (also, we didn’t think of this feature until week 2), and I’d be willing to bet that potential playoff contender Utah won’t drop tonight’s game versus the horrendous, coach-less, Shaun King-less Gladiators. Las Vegas is so terrible I haven’t noticed that Tampa Bay has managed to win some football games – perhaps Primary Gruden put a disguised Jeff Garcia on loan?

ANYWAY, randomness is counting on Joe Germaine to continue to look like his head is a Peep in a microwave every time he throws the ball, and every time he throws the ball for it to go into the hands of a receiver in the end-zone.

WEEK 12 CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: UTAH 65, Las Vegas 35.

WEEK 12 WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT ONCE AGAIN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PRESIDENT’S HOT TWIN DAUGHTERS:

This week’s pillow fight is going to be painful. It’s a match between a team that can’t find its rhythm and a team that started strong but is in an uncontrollable tailspin.

We’re talking about the Philadelphia Soul hosting the New Orleans VooDoo. And we’re talking about Monday Night (Arena) Football.

This game will feature bad reads, turnovers, and dropped passes. You’re going to see drives that go nowhere, like Charles Barkley playing golf. You’re going to see both teams commit my favorite metaphor that I’m fairly sure I coined at least in part: squatting over and dropping a collective sporting turd on the field.

You might see Jon Bon Jovi give the double bird to the refs, or if things get really ugly, his own team.

You might see Jaws get so distraught he actually suits up and gets behind center.

You might see all of these things.

I will not. Because I don’t think I could bring myself to watch this game even if doing so would get me my own pillow fight with the President’s daughters and a guarantee there will actually be Social Security left for me when I retire in 2000never.

Enjoy the game, sado-masochist viewers!

No Bon Jovi News to Report

Just so everyone’s aware, Jon Bon Jovi didn’t do anything AFL related on American Idol last night. So, there’s no longer a chance of “You got your football-adjacent-sporting-event into my unstoppable entertainment juggernaut!” “You got your… no, that’s about the best we could hope for.”

[Update: You know who else noticed JBJ's Philly Soul t-shirt? Tony Kornheiser. He noticed (and name-checked the AFL) on Wednesday's Tony Kornheiser Show. It airs on Washington Post Radio, but I listen to the podcast the next day, so I'm 24 hours behind...]

We now can return to being confused and frightened by American Idol. Maybe some other team owner can do something silly. I’ll keep my eyes peeled. Courage.