Liveblogging Arena Bowl XXI

It’s here! Really! All times Central!

1:33 – Fort Bragg’s Army Chorus is singing “America the Beautiful.” They’re really good. They know the second verse! I didn’t know there was a second verse. Or this third verse, that’s really really fast. We totally could end the sectarian violence in Iraq, if we sung at them. The bad guys’d be all, “Why didn’t you tell us this earlier? America sounds great! Purple mountains, you say?” I don’t know the second song they’re singing, but it sounds Country. Oh, it’s that “Freedom Isn’t Free” song. Right? No, wrong. Crap. “I’m an American Soldier.”

Wow. They’re having guys take the oath of enlistment on the field. I really respect the shit out of the United States Armed Forces. Hopefully they get to watch the game before they go to boot camp.

1:41 – Apparently, Neil Patrick Harris is playing trumpet in some Army Jazz Band called “Swamp Romp.” This is the weirdest thing ever. Okay, it’s not Doogie Howser, but a reasonable facsimile. The lead guy kind of looks like Sean Penn. The combination of army fatigues and Dixieland Jazz and the doppelgangers of NPH and Sean Penn is going to make my head explode.

 

1:46 – I want to have one of these pregame montages made about my life. It’s the best part of any sporting event. Try to deny that. You can’t. In other news, I need to get the Batman Begins soundtrack. Holy shit. The game ball was delivered by guys rapelling down from the rafters.
1:50 – Introductions are set to the hip-hop version of Carmina Burana. I think Carl Orff is all right with that. Columbus enters the stadium. We’ve switched to Click Click Boom – it’s a little more traditional. They stole their fire from the Harry Potter movies it’s all color-changing and what-not. Whee! Indoor fireworks, the whole thing. Good times.

If you’re curious, the crowd seems to be weighted towards the San Jose two-dozen. But there are still a surprising amount of empty seats, so that could change. Columbus fans might just be institutionally tardy. Joe says that, based on the tunnel exits, San Jose’s got this one.

1:54 – Presentation of the colors, etc. I’m typing standing up. It’s monstrously awkward. Just like my life. Miss America 2007 sings the National Anthem. She’s pretty. There are wolf-whistles from the crowd that would seem to support this hypothesis. She does a good, if a little logy, rendition.

1:58 – The best thing that ever happened to sports montage makers was the release of Pirates of the Carribean. There are little shrines to Klaus Badelt in all their homes.

2:01 – It is pretty fucking loud in here. The standard “Make some noise” scoreboard exhortation is subheaded with “You’re on national TV!!!” Hee! The mascots and Aaron’s Dream Team are taking the field now. We’ll eventually address this, but they range from the reasonable (the Blaze’s dalmation) to the horrifying (New Orleans’ Skeletor-guy, and both of Georgia’s… things). Aaron’s Dream Team, however, are very pretty.

2:04 – Before Klaus Badelt, arena sound and video guys had The Alan Parsons Project. Bwwwaaaaah…. Bwaahhhhh…. Doo noo noo, doo noo noo…

2:05 – Tails never fails. Columbus will kick.

2:06 – Jock Jams? Really? Michael Buffer also was canonized along with Badelt, Alan Parasons Project, and Rock and Roll Part II. But seriously: Jock Jams? Is this 1997?

Okay, so with 1:00 to game time, this place is at about 2/3 capacity. For being sold out, that’s kind of weird. Hey – San Jose fans brought their cowbells! Remind me how cowbells relate to San Jose or smilodons californis? Also, 1:00 to game time was a dirty lie. That timer expired about 90 seconds ago. LIES! What makes you lie, scoreboard?

2:11 – KICKOFF!

Kickoff returned to the 17. The atmosphere is, to be cliche, electric. Grieb gets moving. You can tell he’s been here before.

Three incomplete passes to the corners of the end zone, one that might have been flag-worthy, but they were safely out of the hands of any player. It’s not like the story Grieb told at media day about his first game when, seeing no one open, he tried to throw the ball out the back of the end zone, as you do, but forgot about the nets back there, and was picked off.

Touchdown SaberCats – Brian Johnson, who was a late addition to the starting lineup, barrels in. 7-0 San Jose, 11:09 left in the first.

2:18 Josh Bush returns the ball out of the end zone, and finds space due to a block in the back. Nagy’s going to have to start from the 3 and a half.

Nagy to Groce results in not only a first down, but Groce’s head being nearly taken off by Marquice Floyd. They have words after the play. Nagy completes a pass to Magner, after staring a hole through his helmet. Hey, San Jose, the guy Nagy’s STARING at is the guy he’s going to throw to.

George Williams bats the ball down at the line. If he had two hands on that, you could’ve added 6. Fortunate. A battle of wills at the 1…

2:23 – Touchdown, Destroyers! A relatively large man crashes through the line for the TD. I don’t know. XP is good, 7-7, 6:33 left in the first. 4:14 was the time of the drive, and Harold Wells was the relatively large man. Thanks, disembodied press box voice!

Let me tell you something else, dear readers: ESPN broadcasts mean a metric fuckton of commercials. The players are antsy, the fans are antsy, we’re antsy. Let’s get back to scoring points with extreme prejudice!

2:26 – Kickoff returned to the 20. Peter Martinez was setting up to blow up another lengthy return, but one too many jukes stopped the return.

It’s my favorite play in Arena Football: the motion man (Wright) is about 17 yards offsides. That’s a paddlin’.

2:29 – I’m also going to take this time to mention that the Aaron’s Dream Team have changed out of their relatively heinous – hang on -

Touchdown, SaberCats! That was fast. Holy hell, that’s a pretty fade thrown by Grieb. 14-7, San Jose. 3:11 remains.

Anyway, the cheerleaders changed out of the relatively heinous Aaron’s ketchup-and-mustard colored uniforms and into their team-specific attire. That means ISF Most Favored Cheerleader Brooke has broken out the chaps. Good times.

[Update: Joe got a photo. This is what we in the business call "teamwork." It's heartwarming.]

Ooh, records montage: 166 receptions, first ever 2000-yard season, a bunch of first downs… Siaha had a pretty good season. I guess that’s why he was the offensive player of the year

2:33 – Kickoff returned to the 7. Let’s see who Nagy can overthrow on this drive. He’s a nice guy, but let’s face it: he’s a little wild with his heaves.

Alan Harper not only jumps offsides, but makes it all the way to Nagy, who backpedals like a maniac, but to no avail. Harper makes like he just intended to give Nagy a friendly hug, and the offensive line requests politely that he disentangle himself from their quarterback.

There we go! Our first incidence of a receiver having his head snapped back by the unforgiving wall! Magner makes the diving catch and leads with his head into the wall. That’ll take us to the end of the quarter.

Wait, WHY IS THERE AN ADT TRUCK ON THE FIELD? Has there been a break in? Did someone forget to punch in the code when they came into the arena?

Oh, it’s just some ADT guy with the Defensive Player of the Year Award. Mr. White seems pleased with his trophy. You know that if he moves up to the League, that’s turning into a doorstop. And it’s not even going to stop an important door; it’s going in the third bedroom or something.

2:41 – Top of the 2nd quarter, and if Cole Magner uses 2 hands, that’s a touchdown.
Hey, Brandon Heflin set the arena post-season league record for tackles with 38 just now. Thanks, disembodied press box voice!

Nagy, totally fucked, scrambles for an eternity and then throws the ball into the stands. A jumpy SaberCat linebacker leaves the stupid linebacker box, so all his team’s defensive pressure was for naught.

2:43 – We are not very good at keeping quiet in the press box. It’s open to the stands, which means we’re not getting in trouble. So, that’s good. The reason I bring this up is that there was a pass-interference call in the end zone, we both went “Oooh,” and immediately looked at each other, and then around to see if anyone noticed.

Nagy apparently took hardcount lessons from Tony Graziani last week, because he just pulled the entire defensive line offsides. On the ensuing play, the SaberCats defense just smothers Johnson at the line.

[Note: Sorry for the delay, guys, the network here isn't very fast.]

2:47 – Touchdown, Destroyers! Hilliard – an offensive lineman, mind you, pulls in the lob pass, and Nagy’s a-dancin’. 14-14, 10:03 remains in the second.

2:50 – San Jose returns the kickoff for a touchdown! Please don’t make us go back to commercial… Oooh, A.J. Haglund misses the extra point. That’s going to come back to haunt them. 56-yard return for Trestin (really? That’s his first name?) George. 20-14, SaberCats, 9:06 remains in the half.

2:53 – Well! Josh Bush has to get tackled by San Jose K and diminutive Casanova A.J. Haglund to avoid back-to-back touchdown returns.

Interception, Clevan Thomas. We’re going the other direction. That’s the mistake San Jose was looking for. If San Jose scores on this drive, well, let’s just say they don’t give up those sorts of leads easily…

2:57 – I just realized how much we relied on the TV feeds for these liveblogs in the past. If we can’t make fun of the Team of Mike or listen in to coach-player arguments, we have to talk about the game. Weak. On that note: Grieb buys himself some space, and completes two quick passes. He’s getting hit a wee bit after these plays, but nobody seems to mind.

Hm. An elusive Rodney Wright is dragged into the wall by his pads, which apparently is a personal foul. That pushes the SaberCats inside the five, where they traditionally have a little bit of difficulty. Indeed, three consecutive rushes don’t go anywhere. 4th and 1, and they’ll go for it.

While we have an equipment time out so they can fix Mr. Johnson’s helmet (I think), I’m also calling shenanigans on the “EA Sports Noise Meter.” That needle started moving before anyone made any sound. If you can’t trust your scoreboard graphics, what can you trust?

4th and 1: Touchdown! Grieb, inventive, scores with a sweet shovel pass to somebody while scrambling for his life. XP is good, 27-14, San Jose, 3:01 left in the half. Who was that receiver, disembodied press box voice? George Williams? Thank you.

3:06 – My co-editor is manning the comments and whatnot, and says I should say hi to Detective Bunk, TSW, jcompton, et al. So, hello to our readers. I hope this is reaching you in somewhat contemporaneously with the actual action.

Josh Bush really wants to get out of the end zone on the kickoff, but is unable to.

Nagy throws a bomb that I initially thought was just a really shitty pass, but it turns out he got killed on the play. I’m an excellent analyst. But it turns out I’m vindicated, as they ran the same play again (Nagy to Groce, deep), and he overthrows Groce by 10 yards.

Hot dogs will be available at halftime in the rear of the left press box! That’s where we are! Free food? Awesome. Also awesome is the montage of the 2007 Hits of Doom. I can’t decide whether or not the gasps of horror from the crowd are piped in or not.

This would be where we’d be told that there’s no punting in Arena Football. Wait, what the fuck just happened? It looks like Peter Martinez fell down… was that some kind of fake? He fell into the ball, it squirted out to the 3-ish, some Columbus player picked it up and carried it a couple yards, and everyone reacted like this was perfectly normal.

And once again, San Jose’s struggling inside the red zone – however far that actually is. Oh, and that turns out to be an understatement: fumble, recovered by Columbus. We’re going the other way, but there’s only 29 seconds left in the half… Will it be enough?

3:18 – Nagy, dumped by Ron Jones. Time out, Columbus. I wish I could be listening to Coach Wilford Brimley and Matt Nagy right now. Somebody tell me what they’re arguing about this time. Those two wacky kids. Will they ever make it work?

Nagy, with the rarely-utilized 17-step drop, throws 15 yards behind Bush. Holding, defense. That’s a gift to Columbus. :16 left, and Columbus has 34 yards to travel.

Matt Nagy and the Destroyers have to burn a time out, and it looks like Nagy’s donned his crabby pants for the game. He looks, from up here, more unhappy than an Illinois Nazi standing outside of Wrigley Field.

Short pass, the wall stops the clock with less than a minute left in the half.

WELL! Fan interference, much? A Douchey Adam Brody-esque kid falls into the field of play and breaks up the pass with his noggin. The good news is that he almost killed himself doing it, and that would’ve served him right. Though it’s hard to apply life lessons that are lethal. I appreciate alliteration. That’s going to force a field goal as the half ends which is… missed.

Your halftime score: 27-14, San Jose.

Your halftime entertainment: The Rebirth Brass Band. If these are the guys we have to thank for the irritating Arena Bowl commercials, I’m going to have an aneurysm.

Re: the hot dogs, I’ve been trying to remember the Eddie Izzard bit. Sadly, the hot dogs… are. They’re hot dogs, and they ran out of buns. You could’ve added chili to your dog, were you so inclined.

3:39 – Were starting the second half. Bush dances on the return to the 7. By the way, reports of a sell-out were exaggerated, at best. There are sections that are largely empty in the 300-level, and there’s a lot of seats free in the lower level as well.

They finally almost manage the Nagy-Groce bomb, but Groce is interfered with and can’t come down with it. First down on the penalty.

Apparently the halftime plan was to incorporate a lot of the screen-and-make-moves play. Who’s running this offense, Gary Crowton? John Shoop?

Cole Magner just made the play of the afternoon out of a spectacular fuck-up. Tipping it to yourself always makes the highlight reel, but when you tip it to yourself and have to lay out to complete the catch, that’s really cute.

3:45 – Again, Columbus misses out on a TD catch by trying to make it one-handed. Le sigh. The screen-and-scramble brings up 4th down and goal.

Touchdown, Destroyers! The crowd is surprisingly subdued at this development. If there’s one thing arena QBs can do, it’s throw the lob fade to the corner of the end zone. 27-21, San Jose, and there’s 8:09 left in the 3rd

According to the disembodied press box voice, total tickets sold: 17,056, with 15,147 the turnstile attendance. Capacity is 19,000. That’s your sell-out, AFL? Weak sauce. However, both of the records are neutral-site Arena Bowl records. Though I’m going to have to do some research on where the Las Vegas Arena Bowls were actually held, to see if there’s a limiting condition there.

3:50 – Kickoff returned to the 11. Hee: on the first down, the down marker falls over. Because they just lean it against the wall, you know. How Ben Nelson (who we talked to and is awesome) got wide open, I will never know, but he did, and brings San Jose to the 8. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re in the Zone of Molasses. Though Grieb did try to mix it up by throwing a pass off the net. A somewhat specious pass interference call on that play gives San Jose a new set of downs, and rousts 6 or 7 San Jose fans to ring their cowbells.

3:54 – For those of you curious, now they’re recycling crowd noise.

Grieb completes a nice fade pass in the end zone… to a large-ish VooDoo fan. Next play, touchdown, Grieb to Nelson. Ben Nelson slips his defender, and trots in unmolested. XP is good, 34-21 San Jose, 3:06 left in the third.

Oh, in more Aaron’s Dream Team news, there’s a crazy-eyed redhead in this group, which is ordinarily my wheelhouse. I don’t know how I missed that before.

3:58 – Fuck you, Media Time Out. We just HAD a timeout when San Jose scored. They’ve used up all the cool montages already. Worse news: we get the Arena Football videogame ad that Joe hates again, so it looks like he might kill someone.

Josh Bush gets OBLITERATED after catching Nagy’s pass. Any “Ooooh” you heard was real. That’s the most noise this crowd’s made in 18 minutes of game time.

4:01 – As Nagy can’t find anyone open, he languidly flips the ball into the stands, and everyone in the area has the damnedest time catching it. It seriously bounces off no less than 8 pairs of hands before landing in the aisle. Joe makes a good point: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if, on a play like that, he just stopped, turned and handed the ball to whatever fan he was standing next to?”

Once again, the Groce bomb is incomplete. Once again, there’s a little pass interference (this time, not called). Once again, they run the same play, and this time it works: touchdown, Columbus. Martinez clangs the extra point, and it’s 34-27 as the quarter ends.

It’s a one-score game as we enter the 4th quarter. I’m as surprised as you are. “It doesn’t feel like a one-touchdown game, does it?” Joe asks.

The City of New Orleans is thanked by the AFL, and it gets a nice cheer. The contest in between quarters is the old “Kick a field goal, win a trip” game, and the guy misses wide He had the height and distance. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.

Also of note: this crowd is pretty notably weighted towards Columbus. Now that their team is showing signs of life, so are their fans.

4:08 – Kickoff is almost mis-managed off the post, but San Jose hauls it in. For some reason, they just started gradually turning the lights in the press box up, and it’s driving me insane.

Grieb to Nelson, Grieb to Roe, Grieb to Roe, Grieb to Roeand I don’t think San Jose’s screwing around anymore. 1st and Goal, SaberCats.

Nice flip to Roe, and the San Jose bench wants the touchdown, but the ball is spotted inside the 1.

The next play is run in by Phil Glover, and the refs don’t call the touchdown for what seems like an eternity. That was weird. The XP is good, 41-27 San Jose, 10:28 left in the game.

I’m enthralled by the Best of ESPN Miked-up. I take back everything I said about them being out of good montages. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: they should broadcast a feed on, like, HBO, so we can include all the language.

4:17 – Columbus starts their drive, and they have to make a move right now. A move that does not include Nagy skipping a pass to his wide receiver. Incidentally, the cowbells are back out.

Interception, Omar Smith, who then takes a nap on the ball in celebration. Using the ball as a pillow: that’s a really underrated celebration. The San Jose faithful just made a relatively shocking amount of noise: I had assumed something had poisoned all of them, because they had been pretty quiet.

Bryant Gumbel, circa 1986, sighting! The old SportsCenter broadcasts of Arena Football just got shown here. That was great.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to vote for the players of the game now. This is silly.

Okay, so I’ve voted for Mark Grieb as Offensive Player of the Game and MVP. Omar Smith get my vote for Defensive Player of the Game, and Phil Glover as Ironman of the Game. I wish I could think of somebody on Columbus to vote for, because it’s always interesting when a player from the losing (I think it’s safe to assume at this point) team wins something.

4:26 – Touchdown, Grieb to Roe. That’s a 1:26 drive, gang. Columbus fans are starting to file out, there’s a small section of the San Jose crowd singing “Whoomp, There It Is.” I’m serious. I can hear them because they’re pretty much the only ones making any significant noise.

4:28 – The kickoff is returned just out of the end zone, so Nagy starts in the shadow of his own goalposts. It occurs to me that that statement only makes sense when there are goalposts and when you’re outside with light that produces shadows. While I took the time to type that, Nagy actually moved 30 yards.

Some illegal formation penalty that I’m not familiar with takes five yards off of that, and Nagy tries to make that penalty pointless with a dart into the end zone. Whoever that was got murdered by the DB, and that’s pass interference. Nagy’s next pass into the stands is again mishandled by thirty-seven people. But the NEXT pass is a jump ball between David Saunders and a fan, and the fan wins! Saunders clobbers a poor little kid in the effort, but stands there for 20 seconds or so to make sure he’s okay. That’s pretty nice.

Touchdown, Nagy to Saunders, in rather pedestrian fashion. It’s a fake! Peter Martinez actually scrambles for 15-20 seconds, and flings it out the back of the end zone. He showed some moves there. You know, for a kicker. 48-33, San Jose, and we’re at the 1:00 warning.

4:37 – Marquis Floyd of the SaberCats comes down with the onsides kick, and the “Whoomp! There It Is” fans are now singing “Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye.” When they’re not singing, it’s just that sort of restless semi-silence.

4:40 – Brian Johnson runs it in for the touchdown, and that’s really, really, really going to do it for Columbus. Troy Reddick gets mysteriously flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. I wish I knew what he did. I was looking at other things.

4:41 – Ooh, shiny!

4:42 – The comedy comes in spades, as we get the “Fat Guy On the Jumbotron Lifts His Shirt and Manipulates His Belly To ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night,’” shot. :38 seconds left, 55-33, San Jose.

Columbus uses their last time-out. I start to think about how painful the drive home’s going to be. Perhaps we can find a Holiday Inn Express in Effingham, IL or something.

:16 left, and the San Jose bench starts celebrating.

Nagy is sacked, and that’ll do it. San Jose wins their third Arena Bowl title. Whee! 55-33, San Jose is your final score.

“Celebration?” Really? That song SUCKS.

4:49 – Postgame liveblogging, at no cost to you, the reader: They’ve set up a rope line, like they’re afraid somebody’s going to storm the field or something. I’d think if anything like that were to happen, it would’ve happened already. That’s weird.

Giant Commissioner David Baker is presenting the James Foster trophy. I think fans of New Orleans outnumber the fans of either team playing today.

HEE! David Baker called it the “All Fun League.” In your FACE, NFL! Here comes the confetti! That’s not coming out. To steal a joke – Glitter: The Herpes of Craft Supplies.

4:53 – Mark Grieb is your Arena Bowl XXI MVP. He wins a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder – which, incidentally, is the Official Car of the Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Football. - and is handed the keys by the president of Mitsubishi. He has to be INCREDIBLY confused: “What is this nonsense? I was told that your American Football is played on 100-yard fields! And what are those monstrosities in the end zones? I haven’t been this confounded since I was told it was in poor taste to refer to China as ‘Manchuko.’”

The award winners are all the guys I voted for. How nice. Meanwhile, the All Cliche League played “We Are the Champions” and, though they resisted for the rest of the game, they broke out “Rock & Roll, Part 2.” Oh well.

Well, that’s it. Look for other nonsense from Arena Bowl Weekend tomorrow, and then we’ll see what’s next. This was fun: thanks for your kind attention, gang. I’m out.

Briefly: Hi, Mom of Brett Dietz!

We learned from no less an authority than the man himself that Brett Dietz’s mom has read It’s Still Football. Sorry for all the curse words, ma’am.

Eventually, you’ll see a video of Brett Dietz reading the original Brett Dietz post. I wish we had the foresight to pull up the one where we asked if, in Finland, instead of “Hut,” they say “Bork,” and the snap’s always on three, but I didn’t. We went up to him, pulled out my laptop, (he asked if we wanted him to sign my iBook, which also was funny) and explained what who we were. His immediate response:

“This is you guys? You guys wrote this? MY MOM told me about this. She wanted to know who wrote it! I told her I hoped it was a lady.”

Co-Rookie of the Year Charles Frederick also enjoyed the exchange. It bears repeating: arena football players are personable and awesome. So, thanks for reading, Mom of Brett Dietz! The video, and J’s commentary, below.

Oh, Brett Dietz. Nope, we’re a couple of dudes. Sorry to disappoint. However, we have a feeling the Ladies… would like to make your acquaintance.

Keep soldiering on, Brett, and make them Turku Trojans proud! Charles, we were very pleased to meet you as well. Next season we’ll be keeping tabs on you.

Mrs. Brett Dietz’s Mom, your son is, in the nomenclature of our times, “teh awsum“. We’ll try to keep the swears to a minimum.

Matt Nagy’s pants: not so cranky

Yours truly finally got up the nerve to have a little chat with Destroyers QB Matt Nagy. We’re pleased to report that despite the interactions we’ve seen with Skip Foster, Matt is actually very nice. And one hell of a good sport when I get a little side tracked.

Oh, Crap: We Haven’t Even Mentioned the Game!

It occurs to me that we’ve never made our predictions. Who will, with effort, hoist the 800,000-pound James Foster Trophy?

The Case for Columbus:

(TC)

• On their way here, they overcame the odds and defeated arguably the two best teams in the league whose name doesn’t rhyme with Man Fosé. Handily.
• Wily veteran coach Doug Kay don’t take no shit off nobody.
• Opportunistic on defense – converts turnovers into points.
• Kicker Peter Martinez is a pretty cool guy, and has tackled a couple guys but good.
• Matt Nagy’s mistakes tend to fly thirty rows deep into the stands. Hard to turn those into points.

(JM)

• Since everyone else that covers this league has mentioned it already, we’ll just repeat: Chicago was 7-9 heading into the playoffs last season (historical note: Chicago won).
• A QB that grows a beard means business, or maybe is just lazy (see: Kyle Orton). We suspect Matt Nagy is the former and not the latter.
• A team that’s made us eat this much crow has to be for real.

The Case For San José:

(TC)

• Hey! San José rhymes with Tan Flosé! Did I intentionally set it up so that mean’s they’re one of the top few teams in the league? (Hint: Yes.)
• Defense. Lots of it. A defense that tends to make it’s own opportunities.
• Coach Darren Arbet has a couple of rings, so that’s got to count for something, even if he hasn’t the demeanor of Emperor Palpatine.
• AFL stalwart Grieb > AFL stalwart Nagy. Sorry, Matt.
• I’ve been on the SaberCats bandwagon since week 7, with a one-week abstention in the hopes that Chicago’d make the Arena Bowl.

(JM)

• Coach Arbet – cool and composed.
• Mark Grieb – laser vision.
• In my experience, TC is a pretty smart hombre. He’s been singing San Jose’s praises since week 7.
• So far as Columbus in concerned, all good things must come to an end.

(TC) What it comes down to is that I keep saying to myself, “Really? Columbus? Where was this team all year? They’re not going to peel off their faces, Mission: Impossible-style, and turn out to be the Dallas Desperados in disguise, right?” San Jose hasn’t made any mistakes to speak of, and I stand by my statement that, even in the points-happy Arena League, defense wins championships. (JM) Verily.

(TC) Prediction: San Jose 60, Columbus 35. (JM) San Jose 62, Columbus 56.

We heard a rumor

TC and I have heard some rumors about the AFL throughout this season – Columbus Destroyers K Peter Martinez will neither confirm nor deny these rumors when pressed by TC. He did, however, allow TC to take a picture of his kicking foot. Peter almost fell over in the process. We’re glad he didn’t.

Kings of the road

Ladies(…) and Gentleman, the time is here. In a scant few hours, TC and yours truly will embark on a voyage to New Orleans that promises to be filled with 14 hours of evading state police forces, drag racing gun-toting southerners with Confederate flags painted on their hoods, hours of mind-numbing uncomfortable silence, and a pair of severely chaffed asses. Waiting on the other side of that long, lonesome road is a weekend that promises endless shenanigans of a family-friendly nature, including, according to the ceaseless flood of press releases in our email accounts,

• A media afternoon with full access to the players and coaches of both teams, and (what we’ll be most excited about following our drive) a lunch catered by Zea’s, who, among other accolades, won 2^nd place in the 2005 Lafayette LRA Chocolate Indulgence Competition for their signature Chocolate Glaze Hot Chicken Wings.

• The Discover Card Fan Fest, which on Sunday will feature AFL mascots and player autographing sessions, the 82^nd Airborne (All-American Chorus), a dance performance by Aaron’s Dream Team, and concerts by Fleure D’Lis, Soul Rebels, and No Idea. The best part of this release is the bullet item “5pm – No Idea Concert” which tickles us in all the right grammatical places.

• The game lead-off singing of the National Anthem led by, no joke, Miss America 2007 Lauren Nelson.

In addition, we’ll also be privy to the 2^nd annual AFL combine, a trip to the Children’s Hospital in New Orleans, and a STYX concert, all with legitimate press passes. Can anyone say interview with Aaron’s Dream Team member Charlee?

You say your favorite movie is “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? Why, I just happen to have a copy of the shooting draft and a Charlie Kauffman action figure, plus I’ve had children tell me I look like Jim Carrey!

Check in with us as we’ll be posting as frequently as possible throughout the weekend. We hope you’re ready for gratuitous use of our first-ever tag, “the worst idea ever”.

And by “worst”, we naturally mean “best”.

Infiltrating SportsNation: why not resurrect this feature at the very end of the season?

Earlier today in all of our press-credentialed fervor, TC reminded me it’s been some time since we’ve sat down with good ol’ Grampa Gary (Horton) and his weekly AFL Fireside Chat. We crowded around his favorite armchair and unwrapped some choice butter-scotches as Gary fired out answers to query after query (we suspect the helper monkey has learned how to take dictation).

After several disgruntled Chicagoans basically asked “what in the holy hell happened to the Rush’s clock management?” TC and yours truly elbowed in with a 1-2-3 combo of deft AFL inquiries:

Live Blogging the Conference Championships: Chicago at San Jose

Full disclosure: this live blog is coming to you more than 24 hours after the fact as I unexpectedly had to leave town and had very little access to AFL broadcasts and internet connectivity, but I’ve been able to keep myself in a media blackout and have no idea what happened in this game. Also on the plus side – last night I managed to prove my virility to anyone in eyesight as I won a giant stuffed cheetah after shooting the star out of a paper target using a BB gun fashioned to look like something employed by Al Capone in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So, J wins. A giant stuffed cheetah.

Anyhow: let’s see if D’Orazio is able to complete this game without the use of crutches, or if the refs break down and let him QB the game by using a golf cart on the field (prediction – they’ll let him use it, but he can’t drive it over 5 miles an hour).

In the locker room, D’Orazio is wrapped up like a spring roll and waddling like a duck – “No worries, I do this all the time”. Yikes. James Browns’ “The Big Payback” is blasting in the SaberCat’s locker-room – this doesn’t bode well for Chicago, given they knocked off San Jose in the playoffs last year (according to the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network).

My favorite soap star Mark “Check Out My Goatee” Schlereth is calling the game with Trey “I Look Kind of Like Matt Lauer Before His Haircut” Wingo. Fantastic. They compare the San Jose-Chicago rivalry to the one with the Colts-Patriots… whatever, I’ll give it to Trey.

Bobby Sippio and Clevan Thomas have a simultaneous interview in which they’re asked if they’re ready to play. Both gents mumble “yeah” with a level of enthusiasm that screams “I really wish you’d interview me after I did something good on the field instead of right before the kickoff, announcer dudes.”

14:24 – D’Orazio hobbles onto the field after the kickoff, and his flak jacket looks a little poofier than usual. His first pass attempt is slapped down by a San Jose defender, but an offsides penalty gives Chicago 5 free yards. A SaberCats fan that reminds me of my grandmother uses (REALLY) a ref puppet and a SaberCat puppet to mime her displeasure from her post on the sideline – she basically has the SaberCat doll hump the ref.

I. Am. Weirded. Out.

14:09 – Sippio drops an easy pass on the sideline, I blame the cowbells that apparently symbolize fanship of the SaberCats. Maybe Darren Arbet is a big fan of Blue Oyster Cult?

12:33 – Woah – in the time it took me to Google the above video, Sippio had what appeared to be a diving TD grab called incomplete after a San Jose defender knocked it from his hands following being down by contact in the endzone (lousy call by the zebras), and on the subsequent play D’Orazio over-shoots Sippio – INT. About 4 seconds after he releases the ball, D’Orazio is blindsided, but the INT isn’t called back because the late hit was after the interception. I’m about to start spewing Dan-Rather-esqe backwoods platitudes about how angry this makes me as a resident Chicagoan.

12:01 – After a slight miscue for Grieb on his first pass attempt of the game, Trey says that both the QBs aren’t quite playing like themselves. Which, of course, you could judge after the first pass attempt of the game. Trey obviously has played pro ball and I have not.

10:51 – Grieb throws his second-almost TD – thus far, the Chicago secondary is looking good – not letting the SaberCats get behind them. And of course, as I wrote that Grieb finds Nelson all alone mid-field setting up a 3rd and 1. The Rush make up for it by forcing a 4th and 2 – TD pass incomplete, Chicago takes over in their own territory. Since I’m watching on TC’s Tivo (even though he’s kicking it old school at his parent’s house (?)) I don’t need to watch commercials. The consumerist in me dies a little.

9:05 – Coach Ho totally doesn’t look like he was hit by a car earlier in the season.

8:43 – Trey and Mark inform us that Sippio is “twisted steel / football appeal” – Trey calls out Mark on probably being up all night thinking of that little half rhyme. I’d throw up in my own mouth if they weren’t right about Bobby.

7:04 – D’Orazio is not throwing so well – almost as though his back is a giant bruise – but Sippio makes an over-the-shoulder TD reception… I am amazed. “Twisted steel / football appeal” indeed – they’ve now uttered the phrase about three billion times. Chicago strikes first, leading 7-0.

5:58 – The Rush almost pick up a fumbled kickoff in the end zone, which would have made me feel a little better about D’Orazio hunched over like… a hunchback, I suppose. Sadly the Rush don’t come up 14-0.

4:12 – Grieb makes the mistake of trying to scramble a la Steve Young and gets tossed into the boards sideways for his efforts. It seems to get him calmed down a bit, as he throws a 20-yard TD three plays later.

2:09 – I feel a lot less bad about linking to the cowbell video, as after Trey mentions that following the TD pass, the bells that had been strangely silent starting rattling again, Mark says, “as it’s been said, these fans have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!” Trey says, I swear: “Mark Schlereth, ladies and gentlemen – a poet for the 21st century”. My brain is melting. PAT is good, San Jose ties it up 7-7.

:43 – Ugg. Rush WR Molden fumbles and turns it over to San Jose – D’Orazio is getting tossed around like a rag doll on the tail end of these plays – he gets hit by about three separate guys and takes a hit to his ankles, his knee, his arm, his shoulder, and his back. Maybe this is why my dad didn’t teach me to follow in the footsteps of one of my childhood heros, Joe Montana.

15:00 (second quarter) – Coach Ho gives an interview to the booth following the commercial break, and when asked how long he can leave D’Orazio in there when he’s taking hits like he is, Ho simply says, “Not too long, the way he’s getting hit out there”.

13:34 – After a long pass by Grieb, San Jose runs it in from the 2 to go up 14-7, using the “fat package” – this is funny because some of these football players, such as full backs that run in TDs, happen to be fat. On an unrelated note, TC’s aforementioned roommate Ryan (The Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Football) regales tales of his laundry situation and gracefully avoids telling me who won this game. Thanks, Official Yeti!

12:36 – Mark says D’Orazio looks like an 80 year old man out on the field – “no offense to any 80-year-old men out there” – and it looks like he won’t be able to handle too much more. He just overshoots a diving Sippio. Of course, it would have been a TD.

11:43 – Time for the EA Sports Scouting Report on Matt D’Orazio!

• Needs to overcome back pain
• Tendency to hold ball
• Competitive nature

He played under Jim Tressel at Youngstown State? I say this completely without irony – this is interesting. Apparently Tressel wanted him to be a TE, so Matt transferred to Otterbein. Maybe it’s just me, but I think D’Orazio looks a little small to play TE. Kind of like Devin Hester might be a little small to play WR. But that’s just me.

1 0:45 – 4th and 10 for Chicago – THERE IS NO PUNTING IN ARENA FOOTBALL! Mark and Trey explain, as we have many a time before, that really, if you just try a long FG it is exactly the same as a punt. Frantz’ kick is blocked – San Jose takes over on the Chicago 2. This will not go well for the Rush, especially if San Jose thinks “fat” – they do. Matt Kinsinger rumbles in for his second TD of the day, the SaberCats go up 21-7.

9:14 – San Jose’s kickoff goes into the stands – the Rush take over at their own 20. Old Man D’Orazio completes the first pass for about 6. On 3rd and 3, D’Orazio wings a sure TD from his back foot – and it slips right through Bobby’s hands. It’s his third dropped pass on the day, so the Rush react by… adjusting Sippio’s helmet? Seems to me you could just tell him to catch the ball. On the 4th down attempt, D’Orazio leads Sippio about 3 yards too far. D’Orazio hobbles back to the sideline.

5:58 – On San Jose’s first attempt, Jimmy Unertl makes a huge pick – I can almost hear D’Orazio groan as he tries to stand up after just sitting down. Commercial break – Casey Kane as a nomadic herder once again. Tee hee!

5:31 – WHAT JUST HAPPENED? D’Orazio throws directly to San Jose with not a Rush player in sight, but the INT is fumbled and Chicago takes over again… and then he throws another pick in the end zone. Trey and Mark have been discussing how Matt is selfless on the field and he’ll take himself if need be… I think he might take himself out after that one. Yikes.

2:51 – Under pressure, Grieb scrambles around and rather than trying to force it in to the end zone, he aims for San Francisco – completion to the stands! On the next play, San Jose gets in to the 7 for a first and goal.

1:15 – Phil Glover, a LB sometimes TE, makes a huge TD grab for the SaberCats, who go up 28-7. Not looking good for Chicago.

1:00 – Russ Michna, backup QB for Chicago, is heading in for D’Orazio. First play – he completes a 15-yard pass. Interesting tidbit – he spent some time slinging balls for the now-defunct Amsterdam Admirals. After completing another pass deep into San Jose territory, it’s clear he’s a journeyman. Your belated blogging guide is feeling a little better about Chicago’s chances in this.

22.1 – At the time out, the HP Pavilion was blasting “Hell’s Bells” – it must have gotten Michna pumped up, as he threw a bullet to Sippio in the corner of the end zone. Chicago starting to stage a comeback as they close the gap to 28-14. Russ Michna takes off his helmet and he looks about 14 years old. The SaberCat fans throw Sippio’s TD ball back to the field. I giggle.

16.8 – Don’t knock kickers – Frantz flings the return man into the boards to save a TD return. That was, without a doubt, the best thing I’ve seen thus far.

3.7 – Grieb throws the ball away after Chicago’s #1 defense doesn’t give him an open man – the FG attempt is wide right. At the half, it’s 28-14, San Jose.

HALFTIME STRATEGY REPORT

If Chicago wants a fighting chance, they should probably leave Michna in. San Jose should encourage their fans to continue to rock the cowbells. Whoever scores more points in the second half stands a good chance to win this game. Is it me, or do a lot of these AFL QBs (I’m looking at you, Grieb) look kind of old? Are they really bald, or do the helmets just rub off all their hair?

END HALFTIME STRATEGY REPORT

In the Chicago locker room, Coach Ho gives a pretty convincing pep talk. Mark and Trey say that the Rush have a shot if their D comes up big, which, coincidentally, is more or less what Coach Ho said.

14:49 – Frantz again runs the kick returner out of bounds, and they both almost go over the wall. Mark and Trey share my enthusiasm for this particular kicker – Mark says “I’m pretty sure he’s now my favorite kicker in the arena league”.

13:26 – Grieb hits Nelson in the end zone for an easy TD, and San Jose goes up by three scores, 34-14. Hopefully the missed PAT comes back to bite San Jose in the keister. If you’re rooting for the Rush, that is.

11:23 – Sippio pulls a major Reggie Bush at Fresno State and gets down most of the field on a short pass. Two plays later he almost pulls in a TD pass from Michna. Next play, shovel pass for a 3 yard TD, Chicago trails 34-21. Michna – looking very good. In terms of a football player. Playing well. This is awkward.

8:49 – Grieb gets sacked on the first play of the drive… am I sensing… a momentum shift?

8:00 – 3rd and 9 for San Jose – “THERE IS NO PUNTING IN ARENA FOOTBALL”. It doesn’t come to that, though, as San Jose gets a 1st down after a 14 yard pass.

6:59 – FUMBLE RECOVERY IN THE END ZONE! Chicago almost gave up a TD, but Alfonzo knocks the ball out of the hands of the receiver, and the Rush recover the fumble before it rolls out of the end zone (there aren’t walls on the ends of the field in San Jose) and gets the touch back. Momentum shift towards Chicago? Survey says… yes.

5:37 – Trey and Mark are starting to drool over Russ Michna – his stats in the game thus far are rather good – but on the next play he underthrows his receiver.

3:57 – Sippio pulls in a chain-moving reception, and the SaberCat fans go silent. I daresay Bobby is finding his rhythm, and not a minute too soon.

2:14 – Sippio draws a pass interference and gets the Rush to 1st and goal. Sippio runs the option from under center – what? – and Alfonzo gets the TD. The PAT is good, Chicago trails 34-28, and before I can type the platitude, Trey exclaims “We got ourselves a ball game!”

1:10 – Given this is an indoor field, it kind of unnerves me every time I see a player spit on the field. It’s not grass. The spit doesn’t just disappear here, folks.

At the end of the third, San Jose has a 1st and 10 at their own 15, and we are looking at one hell of a 4th quarter cooking up here.

14:52 – Rodney Wright pulls down a TD from Grieb to start out the 4th quarter. Chicago loses a little momentum as the PAT is good, San Jose jumping out to lead 41-28.

14:25 – Trey refers to Mark Schlereth as “Mark Schlereth” for maybe the fifth time this game, and after a nasty tackle by San Jose’s kicker, Mark says he’s starting to eat his words about kickers not being football players. Just like I’m eating my words about Columbus not standing a chance against Georgia.

12:48 – Michna pulls his own Steve Young to pick up about 20 yards, and gets clobbered at the end of the run. He jumps up unscathed, but throws a INT on the next play – San Jose will take over at midfield. When I blipbloop through the slow mo Russel Athletic ad, it appears to be normal speed. TC is not here, and Official Yeti Room Mate has gone to sleep, so I have no-one to share that with but you.

10:56 – San Jose gets another TD, and the momentum is perhaps starting to shift once again. The extra point is straight down the middle, San Jose leads 48-28.

9:50 – Michna overthrows Sippio – goodbye, sure TD. By the way, I was supposed to call TC at some point during the evening, but since it’s already way past our working man’s bed time, I’ll let him sleep. Sorry, TC. You’re my buddy!

7:37 – Okay. I’ll play Devil’s advocate even though it hurts – what would’ve happened if Michna had been put in sooner? Chicago is lolly-gagging between plays. Seems to me if you want to play in the Arena Bowl and you’re trailing by 20, you gots to pick up the pace.

6:27 – Sippio grabs a TD pass to shut me up. Chicago trails 48-35 after the extra point is good. With only a 13 point deficit and 6 minutes left, this could be far from over for Chicago.

6:04 – Oh dear. On-side kick is recovered by San Jose and run in for a TD that stands after the flag on the play was an offsides against Chicago. San Jose leads 54-35 after San Jose kicker Hagland tries to pass a fumbled long snap and rather than get hammered by Chicago at mid-field, flips a free souvenir into the stands.

4:43 – Chicago. You’re giving me a heart attack. STOP WALKING. Trey and Mark are flipping out. Mark says the Rush could use “a little pep in their step”. Sippio gets a TD pass – HURRY UP. PAT is good, 54-42. 3:18 left on the board. I’m wide awake, for the record, even though it’s rather late at the moment.

3:18 – Speaking from personal experience, you can’t try a lot of onside kicks late in the game. It didn’t work for the Wildcats in the Sun Bowl in ’05, it’s not working for the Rush tonight. However, I forget that the clock never stops in this game. San Jose is going to bleed the clock after recovering the onside kick near midfield, and we’re already down to 1:55 when Chicago burns their first time out.

1:55 – Uh oh. I think TC’s Tivo may not have taped the end of the game. Tivo is showing about 4 minutes of recording left…

1:39 – Wow – Peters throws Grieb over the wall pretty blatantly, and Grieb lands hard on the concrete. We almost get a scuffle near the wall.

1:35 – Official Yeti Room Mate just crossed the hall to the bathroom. In his unda-wears. Hooray.

1:20 – Nail in the coffin for Chicago – Ben Nelson pulls down his fourth TD on the day, and as San Jose goes up 60-42, the Tivo runs out.

Judging by the box score, Chicago managed to get a TD in garbage time and held off San Jose, but at the final gun (I’m pretty sure they don’t fire off guns in the arena league) San Jose prevails 61-49.

The SaberCats played a strong 60 minutes here tonight (by which I mean yesterday afternoon), and Grieb will give the Columbus defense a lot to deal with come Arena Bowl XXI two weeks from today. I’m a little disappointed in the Rush for not completing the comeback, and a little more disappointed I’m getting up for work in about 5 hours. It’s been fun, kids. Stay in school! Respect your elders! Don’t spit on indoor turf!

The Conference Title Games: Columbus at Georgia

We’re sorry, Matt Cranky Pants Nagy. Saying that you had as good a chance of beating Dallas as Dan Qualye winning a spelling bee was obviously a mistake. We’re sorry we added to your crabbiness, and hope you give us some credit at ISF for adding some fuel to your ire fire. Get ready for us to do it again, because we’ll be jiggered if you beat your former Force squad on the road.

SATURDAY: Columbus at Georgia, ESPN, 12pm ET.

J SAYS: Kudos to Columbus for pulling a huge upset over the Desperados. Really. Good job. This week, you’re mincemeat. Georgia made the Soul O-line look holier than Pope Pius XII, or at least as holy as Carrie Underwood’s publicist would like you to believe, or as full of holes as Tommy Lee’s ears or Criss Angel’s face (note: I don’t think he actually has much in the way of piercings, but he just totally seems that way). Although my live-blog coverage of the Philly-Georgia game was Soul-centric, it was all Force, all the time. Overpowering defense, precision offense, mildly accurate kicking carried the day for Georgia. QB Chris Greisen will slap things and say ‘yeah!’. Head coach Doug Plank will crush Columbus with his steely Bears-gaze alone.

TC SAYS: Columbus got help from fate last week. You can’t count on that two weeks in a row. I could say the same things about Georgia this week as I did about Dallas last week, and I misplaced my faith in Philadelphia. I’m an idiot. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. They made Philadelphia play as smoothly as the countenance of Edward James Olmos. If we’re using actors in our analogies. And Philadelphia is measurably better than Columbus. The transitive property of sports insists that Columbus has no prayer. But we said that last week. Can the fury fueled by the scorn of a nation propel Columbus to two straight upsets?

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Just as the film Georgia Rule would have you believe (note: I know nothing about this film other than Lindsey Lohan was publicly berated for being late to set because of underage-drinking-related ‘dehydration’), Georgia rules. Columbus, it’s been interesting, but it’s time for the Buckeye state to start dreaming of the Horseshoe and maybe not choking when it counts, like Columbus will have no choice but to do in Force territory. (TC) You know who has to gag for this game to be won by Columbus, right? Chris Griesen, on his pregame meal. Also most of the defensive players for Georgia. Last week just goes to show you that anybody can win in any week in the AFL, because there are enough chances for weird bounces. That notwithstanding, Georgia is really talented, and Griesen’s playing at the highest level. Columbus is a fine team, and they can get the job done if enough momentum’s behind them (of note: Dallas didn’t score in the third quarter last week), but it’s asking a bit much to do it two weeks in a row.

J’S PREDICTION: Do you remember the part in ALIEN where Harry Dean Stanton is looking in a cargo bay and gets scared shitless by the cat, then looks up in the cables and promptly disappears? It might be something like that, except with the Destroyers (Harry Dean Stanton) and football (um, the alien, I guess… maybe the cat).

TC’S PREDICTION: I had to read that a couple times for the imagery to really do it for me. If you want to re-read J’s prediction and come back to this section, I’ll wait. [Silence.] Yeah. Georgia can book some hotel rooms in the French Quarter. Columbus can get eaten by aliens.

The Conference Title Games: Chicago at San Jose

The Conference’s two top seeds, in San Jose. What to say? A-OK! I can rhyme all the time. I’ll stop now, I mean it. Does anyone want a peanut? Aaargh.

SATURDAY: Chicago at San Jose, 4:00 PM  

TC SAYS: Well, well, well. It looks like a win-win situation for this prognosticator. If San Jose wins, I can continue my “I Told You So” Dance, and if Chicago wins, I can do my “My Hometown Team Is the Greatest” Dance. Let’s have a look – San Jose has been sturdy on defense all year (last week excepted), but nobody’s been stouter on that side of the ball than Chicago. On offense, Mark Grieb has quietly put up stellar numbers with consistency, and Matt D’Orazio has made noise by virtue of his wide reciever corps. The question, then, comes down to that of D’Orazio’s back, and who can keep their momentum going for four quarters? Also of concern – Chicago played on Monday, and is travelling to San Jose.

J SAYS: That plane ride from Chicago to San Jose is no picnic, my friends. It’s probably about as much fun as getting a cleat in the small of the back a la Matt D’Orazio. Maybe not as much, but the point being that Chicago, although resilient, is a little banged up not counting jet-lag. They played brilliantly last week, all things considered (so I hear from TC, I was on a Hot Movie Date), but San Jose has been solid all year long. This could be the battle royale I was looking for last Sunday when Philly was systematically destroyed by Georgia.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) We at ISF will brook no argument: the American Conference’s two best teams are meeting on Saturday. They played in week 2, and it was a dogfight. This comes down to what unit comes down to carrying their team on its back. By all rights, this should be the best game of the season to date, as both teams need to play nearly-flawlessly to get past the other. (J) Yes, this will be the best non-wildcard game of the playoffs thus far. It could be as simple as whoever forces the first error of the game will get to go to New Orleans next week.

TC’S PREDICTION: I like Chicago’s defense, but D’Orazio’s back isn’t getting any better, and they’ve only had 4 days to recover from the Los Angeles game, which was pretty physical. This game’s going to be decided in the 4th, and the healthier, more rested team is going to have the advantage there. It grieves me to say it, but San Jose moves on. No! I can’t! I must pick the Rush! Aaaagh. San Jose Chicago San Jose The SaberRush The Ru…Cats… Football wins, in a nailbiter. My nerves are shot, just trying to pick.

J’S PREDICTION: Hmm… it’s tough to call, but I think San Jose’s defense might get the best of D’Orazio’s pulsating lower back, but I’m not so sure I can call it against the hometown team. I’m picking San Jose with the hope that Sippio proves me wrong. And maybe answers a friendly phone call every now and again.