The Live Wired Plan? Remarkable. (Part I)

Hello! I apparently don’t understand computers, because it took a million days to get the highlights from the Live Wired broadcast on YouTube, etc. SO. Without further ado, batch one of the experiment in listening to football players without commentary.

First, a side benefit of this experiment is that we get unfiltered crowd responses, delightfully apparent during this return of a Chris Greisen interception (ultimately overturned due to Philadelphia jumping offsides).

Also, I can watch a guy get blocked out of his shoes all day. More news you can use: Chris Greisen is careful with his language.

“Dang it!” is ordinary. “Dang IIIIIITTTT!” is epic. Finally (for now – this process is sloooowww), if we could find a balance between clips like this and constant commentary at all times, I’d really like this concept.

Who’s gassed and what play we should call instead? Intriguing!

Monday Night (Arena) Football Liveblog: Philly at Georgia

So, as we’re all well aware, there’s a crazy gimmick for tonight’s MN(A)F game: your announcing crew is… everybody! We’re going to try to document this disaster. My theory: train wreck that a plane crashes on to, the wreckage of which is loaded onto a tanker which runs aground in the Aleutian Islands, and everyone who isn’t eaten by polar bears is picked up by a zeppelin that explodes.

Other analysis: Philadelphia by 17. Georgia has been awkwardly stumbling from game to game on defense, and hasn’t really found a rhythm on offense. Philadelphia is (a) operating like a surgeon and (b) irritated about letting their guard down last week. Let’s see what happens.

We’re also going to try this liveblogging software thing, and if it works, great, if it doesn’t… Sorry, four people.

If you’re interested, do this thing:

Okay, you should be seeing frames, and you’re probably not. Work, dammit! And if it doesn’t end up working, go here: LIVEBLOG!

That was fun. My thoughts, from the end of the liveblog were thusly:
I think we were best served when Ray was commenting by himself. Also, if we could get a more judicious use of the microphones, instead of “Hey, it’s the guys on the field all the time: isn’t that weeeeeeirrrrd?” that’d be great. Stick Ray on the sidelines, because that was cool, but let him talk more.

The game was a solid B+ (Philadelphia played pretty sloppily), and the experiment a B or B-.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Georgia Force

Back to flags. Georgia Tech is pissed about this whole flag, pretty much, right? With that dome-thing*, and the red, and the minuteman dude, right? What do they get? The color yellow? 

Facts:

• National Conference Southen Division
• I made the Georgia/Georgia Tech (unfunny) joke because of the time that they wore helmets that had a red stripe and a gold stripe to honor both universities.
• Arena Bowl Championships: 0
• Last year’s record: 14-2 (1st), lost (bafflingly) to Columbus in the championship round. (See also: Desperados, Dallas)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Sadly, unlikely to be quite as good as last year, if only because the rest of their division is so competitive. I also learned recently (3 minutes ago) that they have a new offensive coordinator. But, they were sturdy to the point of dullness. So, what have we learned? That I can’t analyze to save my damn hell ass life. It certainly doesn’t seem like there’s that big of anobstacle to overcome when you’re the league’s highest-scoring team with the guy who threw for 117 damn touchdown passes under center. So, celebrate cautiously, Georgia fans.

Bullet Points About People/Anthropomorphic Horrors:

• Perhaps you’ve heard that Chris Griesen is scrappy?
• Arthur Blank owns two football teams. This one might be able to beat his other one. Yeah, I said it.
• I cannot describe how truly bizarre Blu is. I swear we had a picture with him, but it bends space and time, and I can’t find it now.
• Dispersal draft pickup R-Kal Truluk’s full name is R-Kal K-Quan Truluk, which means “Ruler of the Lake” in Swahili. Lives in a Fortress of Solitude. I will type “Trukluk” by accident 1,049 times this season.

The Good:

They’re good! Harrison Bergeron is good! Chris Griesen is made out of space-age unbreakable material! They’re known for scoring points in a league that scores points in uncountable numbers! I haven’t heard anything bad about their defense! Will win many shootouts!

The Bad:

I’ve used up all of my exclamation points for the next 24 hours. The National Conference is stupid-good this year. Like I said, I can’t remember a damn thing about how they won 13 14 games last year. Tampa Bay is better, New Orleans can’t be as bad (right?) and Orlando still has a team. But that’s talking about other teams. I can’t think of much bad to say about Georgia. They’re like a stealth team.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, playoffs, lose to… let’s say, Tampa Bay. Seriously, the only way you can see this team is if you’re pretending to look at something else and you catch them out of the corner of your eye. It’s like hunting for salmon using only the tactics and weapons provided to bears without the advantage of being a bear.

*Okay, the dome thing is on Georgia Tech’s insignia too. Damn. I give up on making jokes.

We Were Wronger Than Wrong (Part Infinity)

The reason we invented the “No Shit, This Team Is STILL In the Playoffs” tag

The Chase: it’s what we’re going to cut to.

Columbus does not suck nearly as much as was originally implied, and Georgia imploded like an elderly star whose core just turned to iron. My 7th grade science teacher is going to be thrilled that I was able to force that simile. So, we spectacularly blew that one. I’m going to own up to my particularly egregious error of continuing to metaphorically give The Scrappy (But Rattled) Chris Greisen wet sloppy puppy kisses for two months in a row. He was – and I shudder to say this – soundly outplayed by Matt “Crankypants” Nagy. I wouldn’t say they were outschemed, because every time ESPN cut to the bench, the Georgia staff looked calm and collected, took a couple seconds to collect their thoughts, and agreed on a reasonable play, while the Columbus bench looked like the end of Trading Places.

Murphy and Akroyd, puzzled as to why I can’t think of a more contemporary reference.

In any event, Columbus eaten by the star of Alien that wasn’t Sigourney Weaver? Not so much. Georgia waltzing into New Orleans? Also not so much. Columbus “fueled by the scorn of a nation,” moving on? I’d like to hope so. I like to think that Coach Walrus printed out It’s Still Football mockery and used it as bulletin board material, because that’d be outstanding, but unlikely. The best summation of the game just arrived from the Backhanded Compliments Department: in a mistake-filled championship game (poor tackling on special teams, wild quarterbacks, blown coverages, questionable decision-making) on both sides, Columbus was able to take more advantage. Perhaps they’re more used to overcoming mistakes? (Zing!)

On the other hand, aside from my sissy vacillating at the time of prediction, we pretty much nailed the preview of Chicago/San Jose. We both wanted Chicago to win, but knew better. And Matt D’Orazio’s back was the factor – who knows what would’ve happened had Coach Ho taken him out earlier, but you have to dance with the date that brung ya’, as they with questionable grammar skills say. Though we were dead wrong about it being the most exciting game since the invention of end zone nets – the Columbus/Georgia game was much more exciting. Weirdly, both games brought up some variation of “Guys, there isn’t that much time left, could we get up to the line with some urgency?” Without D’Orazio at 100%, Chicago just couldn’t keep up. Michna did yeoman’s work, but he wasn’t going to lead a comeback of the magnitude that Chicago needed. They needed a pick-six or some kind of defensive back-breaking that didn’t happen, and the Northwestern Wildcats Memorial Onside-Kick-Returned-By-the-Recieving-Team-For-a-Touchdown Play certainly didn’t help.

So, there you have it. We got stuff wrong again, but we’re okay with that.

P.S. Exciting news to come this afternoon for the ISF team…

Live-Blogging the Conference Championships: Columbus at Georgia

Good afternoon. Glad you all could make it. SportsCenter is running over, for some reason. What’s going on here? It’s 12:00 – where’s my wacky pseudo-league? Oh. I figured it out. TiVo fooled me. Let’s get it on.

12:07 – who knows how behind I am – but Chris Griesen looks ready to go. PLUS, we get to listen to the Mikes! Awesome. We get to recap Seth Marler’s doofus misses, as well as the bizarro clangs off the posts. Columbus! Georgia! Nagy! Greisen! Touchdowns! Matt Nagy knows it’s on. Doug Plank wants a warrior attitude. AFL warriors are like the Swiss Army. If it comes down to it, you don’t want to fight them, but most of the time you just are interested in their knives, and bags, and stuff. That metaphor kind of broke down.

12:12. Fat Mike takes his first crack at Fey Mike (just show up at the dance, you don’t have to be the best-looking). Matt Nagy has a playoff beard, but no playoff hair. The Scrappy Chris Griesen looks twelve. He has a really tiny head. I’ve never noticed that.

12:15 – Kickoff returned to the 10. Griesen starts off by making a nice couple of conservative passes. AND a rainbow goes to the other team. Just overthrew the crossing route. Oooh. It’s still early, though. 13:20 remains in the 1st. Griesen with a case of the nerves.

12:17 – Matt Nagy, former Delaware Blue Hen, has not shown his temper, but a dart to the end zone is picked of by Doster. Georgia and Columbus trade turnovers! Huge. My roommate says he hasn’t seen any touchdowns, so he’s bored.

12:18 – Boop-boop-boop through the commercials, and the “No Punting” graphic is noticed by Ryan (special guest roommate commentator), who immediately susses out that a missed field goal essentially equals a punt. Griesen flips a shovel pass out to the left, and they’re moving again. Even when Georgia screws up: Griesen fires the ball a couple rows deep, but the linebacker leaves the box. First down, two pump fakes and a first down to Derrick Lee, who my roommate would prefer focus on baseball.

12:22 – Mammoth sack, Ken Jones. Greisen is flung down by his right arm. 2nd and 19, and Georgia has to regroup. Troy Bergeron is out for the day, by the way, and that’s bad, bad news for Georgia. We could’ve mentioned that yesterday, I suppose.

12:24 – Georgia gives the ball over on downs. Coach says to just go for the first down, but Greisen sees Johnson gets some separation, airs it out to him. It would’ve been smarter to laser the ball to him, but he gets just enough air under it to get it broken up. Scoreless tie, with 8:04 left.

12:26 – Back from commercial, Greisen takes responsibility for the offense going nowhere. Bush makes thirty-seven Force defenders miss tackles, and a sissy push into the boards stops the play. The next flaf should be a bit of holding… and… it’s not. It’s a late hit. Weak, zebras. Well, I guess that’s a fair roughing the QB penalty, after all. But whatever. Touchdown, Cole Magner with the reception. That’s the way Greisen should be throwing the ball – darts. The Destroyers take the lead 7-0, 6:07 remains in the 1st.

12:29 – Still boop-boop-booping through commercials, and I have no idea what’s going on, because Ryan was explaining why the Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology logo is this crazy triangle-circle thing. But we digress. We’re back in with Greisen hitting things and yelling at himself. “Throw it,” he says. In. Deed.

I really like the lightning bolts on the shoulders of the Georgia uniforms. First down, Georgia and some poor family is brained by the chains. Greisen buys enough time to hurl the ball to some kid in a Vick jersey in the corner of the end zone. On the holding non-call Fat Mike with the Advice For Life: “If you don’t get caught, it’s okay.”

12:33 – Fumble, Georgia. That ball is live off the wall. Columbus on offense again. This is bad, bad news for Georgia. Good news for Georgia, though, as Nagy can’t get beyond midfield, turning the ball over on downs. Columbus isn’t taking advantage of opportunities. This game is going very quickly.

12:36 – Case in point: touchdown, Georgia. My, they answered quickly. Columbus DB wants the push-off call, but won’t get it. Martinez puts the extra point through, and it’s 7-7 with 13.5 seconds left in the first. Replay: the cornerback just fell down.

12:38 – Huge return (“MOMENTUM SHIFT,” screams Ryan) by Bush. Columbus gets the ball at the top of the second quarter in excellent field position. Ryan has begun playing drumset to counterpoint the action on the field. (Your traditional boom-boom-chick pattern, accompanied by “Aaaaaaarrreeeeeeeennnnaaaa Foootballllllllllll!”)

12:40 – I kind of like the Vitamin Water commercial with 50 Cent, where he conducts the orchestra. I think I’d get tired of it pretty soon, though. “These 7-9 teams winning the Arena Bowl will make a mockery of the Arena League like the Cardinals made a mockery of major league baseball. Not to imply that Arena Football is mock-worthy,” says Ryan. Hooray. Fey Mike calls Fat Mike prescient because he called illegal defense on Georgia.

Touchdown, Columbus. Nagy puts the ball in front of Saunders, and barrels into the end zone. That was an easy drive for Columbus. 14-7, 13:24 remains in the half. We get the “these goal posts are narrow” comment from the Mikes for the first (but probably not the last) time.

12:45 – ESPN is comparing Columbus to the New York Jets (SBIII), USA Hockey Miracle on Ice, Villanova, and Buster Douglas vs. Tyson? REALLY? Come on. That’s… obscene, really. Also, there apparently haven’t been any significant upsets in 17 years. Holmes rides the train down the sideline until he crashes directly into the kicker. You have to get around the kicker. Weak. Also, a facemask penalty puts the ball on the 5 or so. MOMENTUM CHANGER.

12:48 – Unfortunately, a short pass, and then the Jumbo package just sets up 3rd and Goal from the 1. Your giants fool no one, Georgia. Large Mike deciphers the fake run play, but Mike Jones is not fooled at all. Greisen’s crushed by Jones. Who is a very large gentleman. Time out, Georgia. 11:05 remains in the half.

12:50 – A little bunchy play, oh, and this is a disaster for Georgia, as Gerald Brown fools everyone to grab the interception and DEAR GOD, jukes the entire Georgia team and most of the front office, and brings it back for 6. That was… inexplicable. Greisen tries to arm-tackle him, but that’s the only guy that even gets a hand on him. Brown jukes no less than 7 times to take it from 6 yards deep in the end zone all the way back. Momentum… changer. 21-7 Columbus, 10:04 remains in the half.

12:52 – Gerald Brown is actually spelled “Jerald Brown.”Okay… On the replay, that was right to him. Yeesh. Greisen has to get back together, or this is the ballgame. Greisen completes the ball to Derrick Lee ANGRILY. He really just whips the ball to the sideline.

12:55 – Touchdown, Georgia. Jerald Brown gave up on that play, as he thinks he’s done enough for the day. What more do you want from Jerald Brown? He’s tired. 21-14, Columbus. 7:44 remains.

12:56 – Nagy, with the Bernie Kosar-esque delivery to the sidelines, and we’ll listen to a little chat with Doug Planck. And his constant. Nagy delivers the ball over the middle to Gross, who’s tapped into the boards. You should have to get hammered into the boards to be called down. Just pushed lightly… weak.

The EA Sports scouting report says that Nagy is out for revenge. That’s hilarious. He doesn’t have all the clubs in the bag, or anything like that. But he’s driven by REVENGE.

1:00 – Shovel pass inside the 5, and Nagy – it terrifies me to say this – looks pretty good. Especially when Umar Muhammed jumps into the neutral zone for the second time on this drive.
The ESPN Dump Button Guy is asleep at the switch, as Matt Nagy says, with complete clarity, “[something] on 2! No, no, wait, fuck that! I want to do it on 1!” Touchdown, Matt Nagy on the sneak. 28-14, 3:29 left in the half.

In other news, Fey Mike is really hammering the “Nagy is revenge-minded” card.

Greeny, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself (with limited success): “And the context has to be taken into account; the Arena Football League is… a… a… legitimatefootballlegauge…” And the ESPN torture droid hovers away, satisfied.

1:05 – Greisen pumps once, pumps twice, pumps thrice, throws a laser. First down.

1:07 – Heflin breaks up a pass, and a nice play by the Georgia WR is all that keeps him from tipping it to himself for the interception. 1:00 warning.

1:09 – Chris Jackson is the motion man, should be called offsides, but he gets the separation from the touchdown. And then, despite the fact that there’s no punting in arena football, he punts the ball into the stands. 28-21. 55.6 left. “Words can’t describe how much time Columbus has,” says Fey Mike. I respectfully disagree – I suggest you attempt to use the phrase “fifty-five point six seconds,” and go from there.

1:10 – Matt Nagy, Crankypants shows up in his interview with the Mikes. That’s cool. “Your guess is as good as mine,” as he rips off his headphones to go talk to his coach. And probably kick a puppy. But place or drop-kick it, because there’s no punting in arena football.

1:12 – Some random Georgia player on the bench just bops the referee, and I wish I knew why. Where are you now, ESPN Microphones? Where. Are. You. Now? Ooh, and for some reason the ground causes that fumble. Georgia may have gotten boned on that call.

1:14 – Matt Nagy and Coach Wilford Brimley can’t agree on a play, surprise surprise. Nagy shakes off his coach four or five times and brings the head coach into it. Then says “look inside” and goes outside. Weird.

1:16 – Awesome. At the end of another Columbus “strategy” session (including Nagy’s observation that “What are we doing, when we have all these plays to run inside the five!?!”) Nagy screams “GET A THIRD DOWN READY,” to his coaching staff, who he CLEARLY doesn’t trust. He won’t need that third down play, because illegal defense is called on Georgia. And Nagy finds the free man for the touchdown. 35-21 Columbus, 5.2 left in the half. Zoiks.

1:19 – Ryan asks if I’m eating my words currently. I am. “I hope your words taste like crow,” he says.

1:20 – A favorable clock start will leave .05, time for one play. Milligan was shoved down after the play, and takes a while to get back up, but he’s (kind of) okay. Carlos Martinez will attempt a field goal. Maybe it’s a fake? (The uprights aren’t very wide, mention #3) It’s a funny looking fake, and not only does he miss the field goal, but Columbus will take this all the way back.

But wait! A block in the back penalty will erase that 56-yard return. Jesus. And Greenberg once again mentions that he has “no words to describe” how big a momentum changer that is. You know, for a professional broadcaster, he seems to be lacking words with some frequency.

That’s the half. Columbus looks competent, and Georgia doesn’t. Shockingly.

HALFTIME ANALYSIS BEFORE I FIND SOME FOOD:

What the crap happened to Georgia? They just don’t look good. A couple easy interceptions and terrible special teams play isn’t the Georgia team I know. Also, if Columbus scores more points than Georgia, get this: they’ll win.

/HALFTIME ANALYSIS.

ESPN WIRED ANALYSIS, JUST AS A SIDE NOTE

Hey, Griesen really never gave up on that interception return (and wasn’t the one with the arm-tackle, like I thought originally), and it looks like he got blocked in the back. Scrappy. He took four or five blocks from some lineman and was with the play until what’s-his-face-scored. Oh, and I’m sure there was some audio editing involved. I don’t believe that “Oof,” is all that was initially on those tapes.

Meanwhile:

Ryan: “Am I just going to walk around with my balls out? Because that’s what these boxers seem to want me to do.”

TC: “Okay, that’s going in the blog.”

Ryan: “I’m putting some shorts on, for the good of America, then.”

THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT, THANK YOU.

Oops. Doug Plank is spelled p-l-a-n-k, which means my Planck’s Constant joke doesn’t make sense. He also was less than inspiring in his halftime speech. This bodes ill for Georgia. Also, I’m caught up to real time, now.

1:36 – Kickoff, and Columbus is on the move. Fat Mike refers to the “four corner” stall, which is from a different sport and era. That’s showing you’re well rounded, I suppose. At the end of the 19-yard gain by Bush, the Georgia defenders try to hold him up and pull the ball away. Ryan and I agree that those are the conversations that we want to hear. Can we put a “parental discretion advised” label on this? Or put it on HBO? Meanwhile, while I was discussing that, touchdown Columbus. Aaaannd they clang the extra point. That’s good for another mention of how narrow the posts are, and it’s a 20 point lead, 41-21 Columbus.

1:39 – Matt Nagy, Crankypants, refuses to answer the last question from the Mikes, who deftly turn it into a statement, rather than a question. Kickoff is returned to the 15, and is stopped again by the kicker. If the kicker’s the only guy to beat, you cut inside, not to the boards, idiot. Greisen is on the ground a lot, and isn’t connecting with his recievers. He wants to throw the ball to CJ, and the offensive coordinator complies. Jackson is open, Greisen hits him, and he barrels over the defensive back for the touchdown. The missed extra point now looms large, as Georgia converts. 41-28, 9:24 remaining.

1:46 – Ryan leaves to go to the park, read his book, and smoke a cigar. He pretends to not be interested, but he lingers to watch the kickoff, and is rewarded with a little extracurricular activity. Martinez, the kicker, is mixing it up after making the tackle. What’s going on here?

Nagy to Groce, that’s what. A nice touch-pass from Nagy over the outside shoulder goes for the score. 48-28, Columbus. The Mikes want to know, as do I, how Groce got that open, and the answer is that Georgia tried to jam the motion man. That’s idiotic. But Columbus is shocking the world.

1:51 – Excellent point by Greenberg: “Every time Georgia does something to look like they’re getting back in it, Columbus has answered.” And another lengthy kickoff return leaves Georgia with good field position. Greisen takes the helm, and if he can settle down here, they’ll stay in the game.

Greisen makes a dangerous choice to try to force a pass, but isn’t hurt by it, as it falls incomplete, and they convert on 3rd down with a running play. Lee makes a delightful one-handed catch for the touchdown – after a bit of a push-off. The defenders are furious, the Mikes are trying to muster outrage, and the score is 48-35 Columbus, with 4:07 left in the third.

1:57 – Best wired comment of this segment: some offensive player says to Nagy “That’s a good quarterback,” like he’s a spaniel or something. Awesome. Serviceable (the Mikes call it great, but I disagree) onside kick by Georgia, but no love – Columbus goes up and gets it. Georgia’s going to have to stand strong from the 11. Columbus, realizing it’s never to early for clock management, starts with the run-and-dawdle offense. Nagy then throws the fade like only he can – to a fan. It’s taken the better part of three quarters, but the Georgia crowd has gotten loud. Nagy’s pass on 3rd down is complete, but not enough for the first.

Field goal attempt bounces off both goalposts and OUT. Dear God. “Double doink” says one of the Mikes, and I’m going to incorporate that into my everyday vocabulary. I’m also going to make it obscene. A late flag that the Mikes think may have come from the fans (how great would that be) gives Georgia some breathing room… and two quick passes lead to a Georgia touchdown. That didn’t take long, and dare I say it: Momentum Changer! 48-42 Columbus, 28.1 remains in the third. Wow, that was quick.

2:03 – Another onside kick goes nowhere. Good point, Fat Mike: Bush has been killing Georgia with long returns, so why kick to him? Nagy shows a face you don’t want to see on your quarterback at the end of the third quarter. I think his goal was to look “hard,” but he missed, and landed on “kidney stones.”

2:07 – Another great Vitamin Water commercial: Casey Kane, why are you here living with a group of nomadic yak herders? Hee.

2:08 – “Stan” in Bristol(?) keeps saying “back to you in LA,” when throwing it back to the game. Stan? Are you paying any attention? Nagy misses a wide-open Saunders to start the 4th, and on the next play, Georgia stands up his wide receiver and tries to strip the ball again. GO DOWN, Columbus recievers. Also: how come we haven’t seen any Georgia buckets today? Nagy’s deep ball goes off Groce’s hands! The Mikes say it was broken up, but that’s just a drop. That’s trouble. They don’t even acknowledge it on the replays, which is a little disappointing. What’s Josh Harris, former Bowling Green Fighting Falcon, doing in the game? He lines up under center, but Josh Harris, former Motor City Bowl Foe Of Northwestern University, has to burn a time out.

2:11 – Back from the break, it looks like Columbus is going for it. The Mikes say they should be going for the field goal, and it’s the classic conundrum: don’t take points off the board vs. THE FIELD GOAL POSTS ARE VERY NARROW IN THIS VERSION OF THE SPORT OF FOOT-BALL. The gamble fails – David Sanders wants a flag as Georgia breaks up the pass by sticking to Sanders with a little collision. It looked pretty clean to me…

2:15 – Georgia is marching – a dropped pass leads to 3rd and 5, and the playcall is Rage wide (y?) Post X. What does rage mean? Motion to trips? It apparently means Chris Jackson is blindingly open. First down at the 5-ish. 1st and goal, Georgia.

2:17 – Golic gets on board with my repeated shouting of “Momentum shift!” and lo, it is so. Lob pass to the end zone, touchdown, Georgia. Georgia takes the lead 49-48, with 8:42 left. “Is the clock about to strike midnight on Cinderella?” asks Fey Mike. You know he plays Pretty Pretty Princess on road trips. Golic won’t play with him, because the ring won’t fit on his big-ass paws, and that gives him body-image issues.

2:19 – Georgia with a goofy squib onside kick that doesn’t go 10 yards before hitting the wall. I really like that! That’s a weird spin on that one, and it’s Columbus ball at the 9. Prediction: there will be a lot of scoring in this, the 4th quarter.

Ryan, my Horner Park field reporter, lets me know that instead of watching Arena Football, three boys are riding one bike: back pegs and handlebars. That’s a lot of work for the bike owner.

Josh Harris, Scourge of Northwestern Wildcats Everywhere, makes a play that is in NO WAY the way they drew it up in the huddle… Flip to P.J. Barre, who reverses field on the run(?), but Barre shot puts the ball to somebody in the back of the end zone for the touchdown. That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

Hee:

Nagy: “No! NO! We don’t want the time out!”

Ref: “Well, you got one.”

The time out brings us more As The World Turns drama, as everybody shouts over each other, and I have no idea what happens, because the Dump Button Guy lands with both feet on the huddle. Anyway, Nagy takes control, and calls the run play for the 2-point conversion. It’s good. 56-49 Columbus. 6:34 is left in the game. Momentum?

2:25 – Ryan somehow psychically knows that we just say a run play for the conversion and texts me “If I were a fullback, I’d want all the ladies to know I was the reason they call it a ‘jumbo package.’” Nice.

2:26 – For the Ladies(…) we get insight into the Chicago locker room, and watch Matt D’Orazio’s rubdown in the Chicago/San Jose run-up.

Okay, so the insane scoring play was totally busted, and Matt Nagy admits it. Kickoff, Columbus. Another sizable return, and the Mikes are baffled as to where they’ve been the rest of the season. The special teams play today has been three to seven different varieties of shit, Mike and Mike. That’s where they’ve been. Derrick Lee sort of makes up for being offsides by coming down with the pass, and this one requires Lee to be “on his horse,” which I’m glad Greisen said. It makes him more real to me.

Lee makes a teriffic heads-up play to break up the near-certain interception. Wow, he just hammered the ball out of Brown’s hands. The next play is short of the sticks, and Griesen commits a false start after doing a hell of a job to show that he was calm in the huddle. That’s a back-breaker. 4th and 6. Greisen overthrows Jackson, but there’s a flag on the play. Everybody in the building thinks it’s on Columbus, but it’s offsides on Georgia, as the motion man gets 4 yards past the line of scrimmage. Ball goes over to Columbus.

2:33 – A run play gets blown up, and Matt Nagy, as soon as he hands it off, throws his hands in the air and groans. When he’s happy, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Nagy puts it over the left shoulder of Damien Groce again for the touchdown. It’s a 2-score game, as Columbus goes up 63-49, and Georgia has 2:03 to make up the difference.

On the touchdown – how Wheatley can blow up Groce at the line, and have Groce still get two steps of separation on him, I have no idea.

Matt Nagy does not like being asked more than one question – he moves to remove the headphones after the first question, but Greenberg deftly slips the second question in.

2:37 – After the first insubstantial return in two quarters, Georgia tries to get going. With a running clock, you’d expect a little more urgency, but Georgia brings us down to the 1:00 warning and doesn’t manage to cross midfield.

2:41 – Hillery pulls down the pass, grabs a few extra yards, and instead of going out of bounds, reverses field, and gets a couple more. Then, immediately, touchdown, Chris Jackson – it might have hit the ground, but as Mike points out, there’s no instant replay. You know, in case you forgot. XP is good, 63 – 56 Columbus, 46.1 left.

2:43 – Golic name-drops AFL receivers I don’t know, but will research. Greenberg can’t contribute, so they go back to arguing about the call. Their consensus: not a terrible call. The onside kick is set out of bounds like a volleyball, and I love that move. Genius. And we get the “team with the lead” clock rules briefing. Columbus gets positive yards, the clock runs, Georgia calls a time out. Coach Walrus has to bark at Nagy to get him to focus. Positive yards, and the calls start coming: “One yard, and we go to the Arena Bowl.” Jesus.

2:46 – The timeout huddle is bedlam. Nobody’s focused, and Columbus comes out and can’t get that yard. Nagy. Is. Pissed. Columbus calls a time-out and Coach Brimley insists that they have to throw a touchdown here. Really? What?

2:48 – No, they’ll kick the field goal, and get it. That should do it. Martinez just put them up two scores. 66-56, Columbus, and there’s only 31 seconds left. Jaws would tell us that ANYTHING can happen with 31 seconds left. Meanwhile, on the replay, it looks like Martinez is terrified of Matt Nagy. He just wants to celebrate, and Nagy wants to get all in his face and tell him “I’M VERY HAPPY! WHAT DO I DO?”

2:50 – What the hell happened there? Offsides defense, but Georgia would’ve been screwed, as Holmes runs around and wastes a metric fuckton of time. Greisen makes another weird decision to throw the ball to the underneath man after hanging on to it for too many seconds. This is over.

2:52 – They’ll try to get the field goal part of the field-goal-and-touchdown, and it’s blocked. That’s the ballgame, kids. Ryan says “This is an upset greater than the Vandals sacking Rome.” I am unimpressed, so he amends to “A bigger upset than the Ice Age taking out the dinosaurs,” and then to cover his bases, “Bigger than protozoa evolving into sentient beings.” Oooohkay.

Matt Nagy’s itty-bitty wife runs onto the field after he hurls the ball into the rafters to run out the clock, and they have coitus right there on the 10-yard-line. I may have made the coitus part up.

Sooooo… we underestimated the Destroyers again, and we paid for it. They’re going to New Orleans, and I don’t trust sports anymore. I’m worn out. But, we’ll blog about the Chicago game. I swear it.

To close us out, Ryan: “So, this win was an un-possibility?” Yes. Holy crap.

The Conference Title Games: Columbus at Georgia

We’re sorry, Matt Cranky Pants Nagy. Saying that you had as good a chance of beating Dallas as Dan Qualye winning a spelling bee was obviously a mistake. We’re sorry we added to your crabbiness, and hope you give us some credit at ISF for adding some fuel to your ire fire. Get ready for us to do it again, because we’ll be jiggered if you beat your former Force squad on the road.

SATURDAY: Columbus at Georgia, ESPN, 12pm ET.

J SAYS: Kudos to Columbus for pulling a huge upset over the Desperados. Really. Good job. This week, you’re mincemeat. Georgia made the Soul O-line look holier than Pope Pius XII, or at least as holy as Carrie Underwood’s publicist would like you to believe, or as full of holes as Tommy Lee’s ears or Criss Angel’s face (note: I don’t think he actually has much in the way of piercings, but he just totally seems that way). Although my live-blog coverage of the Philly-Georgia game was Soul-centric, it was all Force, all the time. Overpowering defense, precision offense, mildly accurate kicking carried the day for Georgia. QB Chris Greisen will slap things and say ‘yeah!’. Head coach Doug Plank will crush Columbus with his steely Bears-gaze alone.

TC SAYS: Columbus got help from fate last week. You can’t count on that two weeks in a row. I could say the same things about Georgia this week as I did about Dallas last week, and I misplaced my faith in Philadelphia. I’m an idiot. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. They made Philadelphia play as smoothly as the countenance of Edward James Olmos. If we’re using actors in our analogies. And Philadelphia is measurably better than Columbus. The transitive property of sports insists that Columbus has no prayer. But we said that last week. Can the fury fueled by the scorn of a nation propel Columbus to two straight upsets?

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Just as the film Georgia Rule would have you believe (note: I know nothing about this film other than Lindsey Lohan was publicly berated for being late to set because of underage-drinking-related ‘dehydration’), Georgia rules. Columbus, it’s been interesting, but it’s time for the Buckeye state to start dreaming of the Horseshoe and maybe not choking when it counts, like Columbus will have no choice but to do in Force territory. (TC) You know who has to gag for this game to be won by Columbus, right? Chris Griesen, on his pregame meal. Also most of the defensive players for Georgia. Last week just goes to show you that anybody can win in any week in the AFL, because there are enough chances for weird bounces. That notwithstanding, Georgia is really talented, and Griesen’s playing at the highest level. Columbus is a fine team, and they can get the job done if enough momentum’s behind them (of note: Dallas didn’t score in the third quarter last week), but it’s asking a bit much to do it two weeks in a row.

J’S PREDICTION: Do you remember the part in ALIEN where Harry Dean Stanton is looking in a cargo bay and gets scared shitless by the cat, then looks up in the cables and promptly disappears? It might be something like that, except with the Destroyers (Harry Dean Stanton) and football (um, the alien, I guess… maybe the cat).

TC’S PREDICTION: I had to read that a couple times for the imagery to really do it for me. If you want to re-read J’s prediction and come back to this section, I’ll wait. [Silence.] Yeah. Georgia can book some hotel rooms in the French Quarter. Columbus can get eaten by aliens.

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn't have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Live Blogging the Playoffs – Philly at Georgia

Welcome to ISF‘s continuing coverage of the AFL playoffs – tonight, the previously-maligned-turned-J’s-favorite Philadelphia Soul at the Georgia Force. After both head coaches declared victory would come with 60 minutes of intensity and Jaws walked on the field in jeans and a polo that ranks one step above flip flops and swim trunks, Georgia starts out the game by returning the opening kickoff for a TD. As a qualified individual that watched both the NCAA BCS championship game and last year’s Super Bowl, I predict this will not go well for Georgia.

…And I spoke too soon. On Philly’s second snap of the game, Graziani launches a bomb (as he’s sacked) to Larry Brackins in the end zone, who not only fails to catch the TD pass, but lets Georgia come up with an INT. If JBJ is in the house, the double bird can’t be more than a few minutes away.

After the commercial break, commentators Ray Bently and Dave Pasch (is this the new first string for ESPN2? I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve heard the siren call of Trey Wingo) use a bunch of stats (note: TC will call me a sissy if I discuss actual statistics) that Georgia is very, very good (the comedy rule of three says I should use a parenthetical to end this sentence).

Georgia’s second play of the game, Derek Lee (not of Wrigley fame) catches a long bomb from The Scrappy Chris Greisen. Georgia leads 14-0. Either Dave or Ray says that Philly needs to “circle the wagons” to get back into the fight, after which Graziani completes a pass to the state of Mississippi. Sissy Statistic Alert: Philly has the second-most regular season turnovers of any team in the playoffs, but I suspect this is in part due to the brassy Interim QB Juston “SLING IT” Wood.

Dang – I forget how big Wes Ours is. He’s like the boulder in beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark with legs. Ours’ catch sets up a TD pass to James for Philly, who trails only 14-7 after the PAT – Graziani is really calm in his post-TD interview, saying it’s still early in the game. In the amount of time it took me to write the previous sentence, Georgia scores yet again via a quick shuffle pass to Bergeron, but they clang the extra point, extending their lead 20-7. The alarm alerting me my laundry is ready to go into the dryer goes off, and I suspect that by the time I get back from the basement Georgia could be so far ahead that I’ll see a combination of cheerleaders, Mildly Freakish Mascot Blu, and small children taking the field against Philly.

Getting back just as the first quarter ends, I’m shocked to see the score is the same – turns out I don’t know as much about the AFL as I thought. Since I’ve been in a media blackout since Saturday, I flip over to ESPN to see the final tally of yesterday’s games. …WHAT. THE. HELL. I must be in the Twilight Zone or a Frank Capra movie. COLUMBUS beat DALLAS? Okay. I officially know nothing about this league, after you take away THERE IS NO PUNTING (has yet to be uttered this game) and THE GOAL POST IS VERY NARROW (mentioned twice). Not that I was planning on it, but I won’t quit my day job.

UPDATE: THE GOAL POSTS ARE VERY NARROW is mentioned a third time as Philly converts a FG, bringing the tally 20-10. Also, it turns out the footage I saw of Jaws on the field with his guys was because there was fist fight on the field prior to the game – it looks like Philly DB Eddie Moten (?) was just decked by some Georgia players taking the field. Regardless of whether or not it was Moten (UPDATE: it was, and he was talking a little trash), he draws some Georgia blood by picking up a fumble deep in Georgia territory shortly after the replay of the fight. I’m beginning to think these live blogs go much better when TC and I tag-team it up – as much fun as it is regurgitating what’s happening play by play, I’d rather discuss Graziani’s absurdly loud hard count, which he just used to perfection to bring some lineman offsides – too bad it was his own. Philly settles for a field goal, 20-13, and I giggle as I imagine Tony in the new ISF running gag, Careers Poorly Suited for Graziani’s Hard Count: this episode – Midwife (“IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FORMULA! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”)

Georgia Coach (of the Year) Doug Plank, for whom the Bears’ 46 Defense was named after by Buddy Ryan, briefly gives an in-game interview, saying that defense in the AFL isn’t given enough credit. Ray and Dave agree, then completely ignore the comments after Doug goes back to coaching.

Bergeron gets his third TD of the game off a nasty tipped pass, putting Georgia up 27-13. Considering it was Philly that tipped it into Bergeron’s arms, I think Plank’s stock footage of laying down hits for the Bears is most likely going to be the best defense I see for the rest of the game.

Graziani gets NAILED as he throws. He’s not getting up. I think Philly’s 2007 season may have just ended.

Leon Murray goes in for Graziani, and Wes Ours goes down so hard my beer just spilled. Tony’s looking like he might go back in, and I think of Minnesota Twins favorite Brad Radke, who pitched through the end of last season with an arm held in place by chewing gum and chutzpah. It’s 4th and short for Philly – THERE IS NO PUNTING. Tony’s pass is incomplete. The Georgia fans have something better than lame thundersticks – buckets with handles glued to the side and drumsticks. Surprisingly, STOMP is not a sponsor of the Force.

From 4th and short near the goal, Georgia’s offensive coordinator calls on Greisen (who looks kind of like Hayley Joel Osment in a football helmet?) to run a yo yo, like he’s calling a trick play on par with the one in Rookie of the Year when they fake out a base runner with the rosin bag. Greisen makes his way out to the huddle, then suddenly runs back to the sideline and asks if he should run an option. Greisen gets the go-ahead, and runs in the easy TD. As the Force widens the gap to 33-13, it looks like this one may already be over.

At the 1-minute warning, I’m putting in my Way Too Early Arena Bowl XXI Prediction: Georgia and San Jose. I’d like to point out that so far in the playoffs, I’ve called a full 3 of 6, so I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything I have to say, unless it’s about Brett Dietz being very interesting.

As Graziani gets hit for the sixth time, he throws a pick, but it’s ruled as a late hit and offsets a blatant face-mask by Larry Brackins. With 31 seconds left in the half, we’ll see maybe only four more scores. Didn’t intend the Lincoln-esqe alliteration there – my bad. Graziani makes up for a third down pass to the Philly bench by completing a pass down to the 10.

Tony connects with Jerry Jones for a TD with 9.4 seconds left on the board, the extra point is blocked – barring a TD bomb from Georgia, Philly will go into the half trailing by two TDs, which they could make up. In our time, we’ve seen crazier things happen in this league. Such as a team based in Texas totally blow at the game of football.

The Sunday Night Injury Bowl continues as WR Troy Bergeron, who’s been solid for Georgia all season long, has a grown man fall on his knee. This reminds me why I did nerdy stuff in high school, and continue to do such activities to this day, like play slow-pitch softball, which led to a knee injury two weeks ago when a less-than-nimble second baseman fell on my knee as I slid into the bag. So, clearly, my life decisions have done nothing but benefit my physical health. Philly gets to the half just barely preserving a two-TD defecit, following 33-19.

HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD:

“What I said the last playoff game with Philly involved applies here as well.”

/HALFTIME STRATEGY DISCUSSION IN MY OWN HEAD

Within the first 4 minutes of play in the third, Graziani gets Philly within the Georgia 10, then throws a pick, and Greisen lobs a TD pass to Chris Jackson, but Georgia bounces the PAT off the upright. It’s 39-19, and Philly’s going to have a very hard time getting back in the game if their O-line can’t keep Graziani on his feet. Surprise – as I typed the previous sentence, Tony’s knocked to the turf again, this time one of the DT’s lands on Graziani’s leg. This is the ninth time Graziani has been knocked down – for some reason I can’t help but think of David Carr’s career with the Texans.

In the amount of time it takes me to take a leak, Philly scores – 39-26. I have no idea how they pulled this off, but I suspect it involved Graziani being on his feet for more than three consecutive seconds after the snap.

Philly almost picks off Greisen on two consecutive plays? Am I seeing a little defense? In arena ball? A hard count pulls Soul DL #98 Bryan Save off the line, and Jackson pulls in a Force TD two plays later, so I guess the answer is no. The 2 point conversion fails (yay, a little defense!), Georgia leads 45-26 as the third begins to wind down.

Listening to Graziani’s mic on the Wired Up montage of his hits throughout the game (also, we got to see three angles of his arm getting mangled earlier in the season), I am amazed that not once does he scream out an expletive. I usually curse at something as minor as the presence of clouds in the sky or cream cheese in my sushi, so I’m naturally impressed at Tony’s ability to keep his cool when his shoulder is forcibly taken out of its socket. At the end of the third, Philly is in Georgia territory, still behind 45-26.

Larry Brackins starts out the fourth quarter by pulling down a TD and Philly closes the gap to 12, 45-33. Philly almost recovers a fumble on the kickoff return, but the returner as ruled as down, so Philly doesn’t have the ball at the Georgia 10. Jackson scores a TD on the next play, Georgia misses the PAT, but the Force lead by 18, 51-33. The hope I had for Philly to get back in the game goes as quickly as it came, like the slap bracelet fad in 1996.

Force DL Mike Sutton is on my good side after he helps Graziani up after he gets knocked on his ass yet again. Two plays later on 4th and 10, he gets hit again and can’t make the completion. Sutton takes him down after he got rid of the ball, so Sutton is back to neutral in my book. Georgia takes over on Philly’s 10, and on the second play Jackson gets his 3rd TD of the half – the extra point is (surprise!) good, Georgia’s lead increases to 25 with the scoreboard reading 58-33 in their favor. With a scant 8:45 left in the game, that could very well have been the nail in the coffin of Philly’s season.

…I spoke too soon – the ensuing kickoff takes a huge bounce and Georgia recovers at their own 5. That was the nail in the coffin, as I’m pretty sure Georgia will be able to go up by another TD on this possession. They get it on the second down. The PAT clangs in, and Georgia has almost doubled up on Philly, 65-33. I’m a little disappointed for Philly, but I can’t say I’m surprised.

Chris Greisen’s Wired Up montage shows us that he likes to pound things and say “Yeah!” – it’s almost like watching that one frat guy at a party that is having a blast, or he’s Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer:

Something I’ve always found a little odd about football is that when there is little to no doubt about who’s going to win, the losing team manages to get a good drive in – Larry Brackins pulls down a TD, and after the failed 2 point conversion, the Soul have chipped away at their deficit, 65-39. All they need is to recover four onside kicks in 2:21, and they’ll walk away with the W.

With only two minutes left in the game, I feel like I can take a quick bathroom break without missing too much. Except maybe of the end of the game – time me!

And, that’s it. Graziani gets a kiss from who I presume is his mother on the sidelines – a touching moment (completely serious here) as Graziani carried the Soul throughout this season, and showed some real brass staying in this game after getting knocked on his can constantly today. Kudos to Georgia, who dominated this game from start to finish. Kudos to JBJ, who wasn’t caught on camera being obscene for a full 60 minutes. Tune in tomorrow night when TC takes the reins as the rickety Rush host Sonny Cumbie and the Avengers, the outcome of which will determine what TC decides to do with the rest of his life.

Okay, so it’s Week 2 of the Playoffs: Point/Counterpoint (Philly at Georgia)

Muppet-esqe mascots with measles agree [JESUS CHRIST, that's terrifying! -TC]: Sunday’s game between Philadelphia and Georgia could be, dare we say, exciting? Maybe we’ll just settle for “probably better than the previous games previewed”.

SUNDAY: Philadelphia at Georgia, 7pm ET.

J SAYS: When Philly has Tony Graziani at the helm, the Soul look as good as anyone on the field, except of course for the Soulmates. As we learned in his scouting profile, Graziani “has all the throws” and a “lightening release”, not to mention a deafening hard count that either draws the defense offsides or kills birds in mid-flight (Tony would be great as a caretaker for the elderly – “IT’S TIME FOR YOUR SPONGE BATH, MR. CURMUDGEON”). However, Georgia has been dominant since the beginning of the season. QB Chris Greisen is good enough to pull a Kurt Warner, receivers Chris Jackson and Tony Bergeron are two of the AFL’s best (I know, I know, statistics are for pussies), and Georgia is hosting tonight’s game. I’ll take drunken southerners over denizens of the City of Brotherly Love any day of the week, unless Santa Claus is involved.

TC SAYS: I really like Chris Griesen. He got the crap audibly kicked out of him in the Philly/Georgia game in Week 6, shook it off and continued to throw daggers. If he’s not the next quarterback to make the jump to the NFL, the he’s the next AFL lifer, and I think his counterpart across the field this week, Tony Graziani, would agree that there are worse things in life than playing a game you enjoy and getting paid (if not handsomely, then at least consistently) for it. J’s got an excellent point in that Philadelphia is a team of winners with Tony Graziani (“I REALLY LIKE YOU BUT I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE!”) at the helm, and a team of strangers when he’s not. They’re not as dominant as, say, Grampa Gary expected them to be at the top of the season, but they’re certainly a dangerous team. Since Graziani came back, they’ve lost to Dallas by three, and to Tampa Bay’s Dietz Machine. Soooo…

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Not to knock on Philly, but Georgia can be overwhelmingly dominant. The Force won’t make the errors that killed Orlando when they played Philly last week, and as good as Graziani is, he may be hard-pressed to keep up with Greisen. We may get treated to a few more JBJ double birds this weekend. (TC) The only team that was ever going to be a challenge to the Dallas/Georgia dominance in this conference: Philadelphia. This one’s a-gonna be a duel.   

J’S PREDICTION: Even though Philly will stay in the game, Georgia will be in control from the start to finish. Lucky for us, Jaws’ tears grant immortality and the uncanny ability to break down game tape.

TC’S PREDICTION:You know what? I think this’ll be the only upset this week. That’s right, I’m going out on a limb and saying The Scrappy Chris Griesen’s season ends on Sunday. And that’s a shame, because he seems to be a sturdy fellow. These are the best kind of predictions, because if I’m right, hey, I’m right! If I’m wrong, the team I also like still won!

Good Morning, Sunshine

Brief notes on things humans might find interesting. I am keeping int brief because I just discovered 30 Rock this week, and I just discovered that you could watch it on NBC.com today. So, I’m going to level with you: my schedule’s pretty much full.

The Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Footballwas in The Vegas over the weekend, and I received a text message Saturday evening that said “The GA  Force are giving 8 points to the No Voodoo going away. The V must suck,” to which I responded “GA is really good, and NO are the streakiest bunch of streakers to ever streak. Give those points.” He won. I am a genius. Thank you, AFL, for making me look smart. Smarter. Okay, smart-ish. Also of note, he placed a $5 bet (and won $9.50) because he was a sissy. And then lost at craps, and told his special ladyfriend that she was bad luck, and that went over about as well as you’d expect. But I digress.

Secondly (and perhaps more importantly), your ISF Team will be actually attending a real life Arena League Competition this evening at Chicago’s “Allstate Arena” Rosemont Horizon Venue For Monster Truck Rallies, Secondary Professional Leagues, College Basketball, and American Idol Tour Concerts. This is something we’re very excited about and hope to document. So, if you happen to be watching or attending the game, look for us. We’ll be the ones attempting to visibly radiate ironic detachment. I’ll try to think of some more obvious descriptor later. Early prediction: Chicago 72, Philadelphia 56.

Back to 30 Rock.