Weekend in Review: The Only Consistent Thing is Inconsistency

Would you believe that this is the only current picture of this game I could find on the entire Internet? What the French, Toast?
Georgia 40, NEW ORLEANS 29

Every time I think about making Danny Wimprine the It’s Still Football Official Randomly Chosen Hero of 2008, the VooDoo decide to do things like avoid the end zone like it’s made of super-hot magma. A respectable-to-zesty NFL line of 26/48-244-3-0 doesn’t mean diddly indoors. Though, their continued effort to engage in lengthy touchdown passes to fullback James Lynch (5′ 11″ 276? Really? He looks three bills at least.) did provide me with no small amount of glee that was eclipsed only by Georgia’s “razzle dazzle” play that they “drew up in the dirt.” I quote directly from the mic’d commentary of Georgia’s
Jim Kubiak, on that one. It’s like they’re reading my thoughts. Georgia, finally showing the verve we EXPECTED at the BEGINNING of the year, went on a double-digit-to-zero (19-0 this time) run again to close out the game. DID YOU KNOW? New Orleans is tres not good on ESPN Deuce, chere. 0-3? DID YOU ALSO KNOW? Georgia’s quarterback The Scrappy Chris Griesen’s gains his power of being impervious to pain from ancient Aztec gold, as he is descended directly from an otherwise unremarkable conquistador.

Find the lies after the jump. Find the lines (and watch a little piece of my soul die) at the place where you bet on football.

The Live Wired Plan? Remarkable. (Part I)

Hello! I apparently don’t understand computers, because it took a million days to get the highlights from the Live Wired broadcast on YouTube, etc. SO. Without further ado, batch one of the experiment in listening to football players without commentary.

First, a side benefit of this experiment is that we get unfiltered crowd responses, delightfully apparent during this return of a Chris Greisen interception (ultimately overturned due to Philadelphia jumping offsides).

Also, I can watch a guy get blocked out of his shoes all day. More news you can use: Chris Greisen is careful with his language.

“Dang it!” is ordinary. “Dang IIIIIITTTT!” is epic. Finally (for now – this process is sloooowww), if we could find a balance between clips like this and constant commentary at all times, I’d really like this concept.

Who’s gassed and what play we should call instead? Intriguing!

Week 11 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight

Get it, Kansas City? I’m saying your team is soft.

It’s that time once again, readers. After a surprising loss by Philadelphia, the second-straight win by Utah, and the creeping realization that mediocre-to-shite Arizona will probably sail into the playoffs, the arena league is on its head. After the jump, the musings of ESPN’s Gary “The Grampinator” Horton, terrible football betting advice in the form of the ironically-named Can’t Miss Random Pick, and, of course, your Weekend Pillow Fight that this week is more like a pair of impending smackdowns.

Our Damn Rankings, Week 1

Sonnie Cumbie! Steve Bellisari! Because we don’t have a choice!

Hey, for the record, this random-ass power poll is based on decisions deeply idly considered earlier this afternoon. Links are to previews.

(1) Dallas: Easily the best team in terms of talent and leadership. Deep bench makes them the team to beat. Eventually something inexplicably awful will befall them.

(2) Philadelphia: Graziani to Jackson is a dangerous combination. First team is scary, but the wheels came off when Graziani got hurt last year, and that hasn’t been addressed.

(3) Chicago: Replacement Sippio and Replacement D’Orazio look like Upgraded Sippio and Upgraded D’Orazio. May be the sneaky-best defense in the league, at least in turnover differential. Watch this space.

(4) San Jose: Doing yeoman’s work; it’s damnably difficult to repeat because crazy shit happens in the AFL (check the patent – I quoted that verbatim), but they’ve got a puncher’s chance to do so.

(5) Georgia: This young team has potential oozing out their collective pores, but Dallas and Philly are just too good to put them higher.

(6) Tampa Bay: See Georgia. If they get hot, they could get VERY hot. If they get the shakes, this could go to pieces so fast, people’ll get lacerated by the shrapnel. (Yes, I know we picked them as Arena Bowl Champions. They’re 6th. Deal.)

(7) Los Angeles: I kind of secretly like LA. I don’t think they’ll contend, necessarily, but they’re competent, and are going to be on the positive end of some surprising upsets. Mark my words: Darren Arbet, ordinarily a classy gentleman, will invent clever new curse words after the LA game in what will be remembered as the best press conference ever. “Smegmanavigating slutbadgers” may figure prominently.

(8) Utah: It’s now the stretch of average teams for whom I won’t be able to make predictions until week 12, beginning with Utah. They score a lot of points, just like everyone else. Everyone who’s not their #1 cornerback will get burned like tonight’s salmon effort.

(9) Colorado: The over/under on the number of times I will get Utah and Colorado mixed up is set at 21.5. This is all going to get adjusted when we see some point differentials.

(10) Orlando: Lesser Gruden may be as mysteriously and stealthily successful as Greater Gruden this year. Joe made this preview and I’ve taken great pains to know nothing about the Predators this year except for the fact that they never ever ever miss the playoffs and that their superfans are teriffico.

(11) Columbus: “Oh, no,” you say. “They’re ranked so low! But they went to the Arena Bowl last year!” You should shut up.

(12) New Orleans: Getting slightly better, but still firmly average. There’s a danger of this team playing in front of 15 people, which would be awkward, what with the AFL’s commitment to Nawlins in the form of Arena Bowls XXI – D.

(13) Kansas City: Quarterback downgrade, decent defense, and… I know NOTHING to look for from this team. It will surprise me when, in week 7, they’re still in playoff contention.

(14) Arizona: We’ve moved from the teams that are indistinguishable because of their mediocrity into the teams that are notable because of their aggressive sucking. Welcome to the “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch, Week 1!

(15) Cleveland: It’s not the bottom! #15 with a bullet! Raymond Philyaw Phever: catch it.

(16) New York: This team lives and dies with Aaron Garcia, and Aaron is now 1,000 years old and built like a Lladro figurine.

(17) Grand Rapids: Ha! Suck it, Grand Rapids residents: your Arena Football team is not very good, and you live in Grand Rapids.
AND THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK!

“Randomness says: Colorado wins its home opener against Columbus. Bernie Kosar knows what he’s doing. Wait, no, I got myself confused. Fuck you! I’m tired.” – Joe

Colorado 68, Columbus 54, Cleveland 56.

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn't have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Playoff Week 2 Point/Counterpoint Mercifully Ends With Los Angeles At Chicago

 I’m calling this game the “Where Should TC Live?” Bowl. Metropolitan areas that both of the ISF editors are familiar with to some degree face off on Monday Night. This’ll probably be the game we “live”blog, too, as TC has a wedding to go to and assorted other dorkitude to attend to this weekend. And J has a date.  <Full House Studio Audience> ooooOOOOooo…. </Full House Studio Audience> ANYWAY.

MONDAY: Los Angeles at Chicago, 8:30PM ET. ESPN2 (If you’re curious.)

TC SAYS: This game makes me nervous, as a fan of the Rush. The Rush are the ricketiest of the 4 bye-provided teams, and the Avengers are probably the most solid of the other four, with the possible exception of the Soul. The win over Utah last week shouldn’t have surprised anyone (AHEMJoeAHEM), but they showed surprising resilience on the defensive front and capitalized on five Utah turnovers. Chicago was pretty banged up in the week 14 loss to the Avengers, but they rattled off three straight impressive-ish wins, and then had a week off. Hohensee used most of the bye week lightly, in order to keep everyone healthy, and that’s good for Matt D’Orazio, because it means Bobby Sippio is at-or-close-to 100%. The Rush had DeJuan Alfonso and Jeremy Unertl named to the All-Arena team. Jeremy was also named to the All-Needs-A-Vowel-Or-Two team.

J SAYS: Good call on Utah losing, Friday Morning QB. Likewise, I’m a little nervous for the Rush’s prospects – Bobby Sippio’s Bear-Claws can only carry the Chicago so far, and if LA surprises All State Arena with a little defense, it could be a long night. Also, you can’t write off LA QB Sonny Cumbie – he does have “all the clubs in the bag”.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) Matt D’Orazio isn’t as fidgety as Joe Germaine, and Bobby Sippio salvages most of the mistakes he does make. Utah wasn’t a good defensive team this year, and Chicago is. Sonny Cumbie has been good, but erratic. They’ll make the game interesting, but that’s probably the best they can hope for. (J) Chicago is a stronger team than Utah overall, but they’ll have to dig deep to keep a comfortable lead in this one. LA shouldn’t be written off, especially since they surprised Georgia in an upset victory last month. If Chicago’s D shows up strong, though, D’Orazio and Sippio should be able to keep LA in check.

TC’S PREDICTION: This might be close, but a healthy Chicago means they should control this game. Los Angeles can’t afford to make any mistakes if they want to stay in this one.

J’S PREDICTION: TC will most likely decide to stay in Chicago if he bases his life decisions off a football game. Which didn’t work out so well for this guy.

I Still Exist, Too!

I know that nobody really gives a rat’s behind about these filler posts of “I’m alive, and I’ll pretend to write some stuff,” but I’m going to do it anyway. I survived Phoenix and Vegas (gambling was bad for me), and now I’m back and ready to make fun of mid-level sports again. Here’s what you can expect from me:

• Playoffs! What the hell is going on with that shit?
• Better Know a Team As They Get Eliminated In the Playoffs
• Lies!
• Damn Lies!
• Statistics?
• What Have We (Joe and I) Learned By Doing This?
• A Real Live Blogroll

Oh, and I was at a bar in Tempe, and there were two larger gentlemen holding court in a booth in the middle of the room. I’m going to say that they were football players, and since they are at Arizona State University, I was probably looking at future Arena League players. I say this only to link something from my vacation ever-so-tenuously to the AFL.

To further mollify you, I have a picture of an Arizona Rattlers cheerleader. Angie apparently will be representing the team at the Arena Bowl in New Orleans as part of the Aaron’s Dream Team, which needs more research, I think. Enjoy.

[Update: I feel compelled to mention Arizona's 2006 Dream Team member, Erica. Angie is a perfectly reasonable choice, but... I'll let Erica speak for herself, through her photo.]

Can’t Miss Random Pick… Party…

Let me explain something before we get into last weekend’s AFL action. I have an hour and twenty minutes before I head out on vacation, and – aside from wrapping up that mascot post – I’ve had to spend my day making sure the Bankingdrome wouldn’t collapse in my absence. I swear to God, I might come back to find everyone dead of forgetting to breathe. I’d celebrate for days. I’ve already made it abundantly clear that the only way I’ll take their calls or answer their e-mail is if I’m in some altered state, and then I’ll probably tell them to do something anatomically unlikely. But, because there’s something wrong with me, I’m still compelled to make sure everyone knows how to fax things for themselves and what number to call if their game of “Why are you hitting yourself?” turns tragic. Plus, making sure they have all their marketing materials is critical. These are the people who requested I print out the sum total of our marketing material for easy access. It was on the Internet, organized by category. It doesn’t get any more convenient than that. But, now we have a large black binder with out-of-date advertising flyers. So, there are piles of things for them to assemble. I hope they get papercuts and forget to clot.

That being said, Week 16, as I whistle the theme from The Great Escape:

Da Coach says…

“Mmm… great sandwich.”

Good Morning, Sunshine

Brief notes on things humans might find interesting. I am keeping int brief because I just discovered 30 Rock this week, and I just discovered that you could watch it on NBC.com today. So, I’m going to level with you: my schedule’s pretty much full.

The Official Yeti Roommate of It’s Still Footballwas in The Vegas over the weekend, and I received a text message Saturday evening that said “The GA  Force are giving 8 points to the No Voodoo going away. The V must suck,” to which I responded “GA is really good, and NO are the streakiest bunch of streakers to ever streak. Give those points.” He won. I am a genius. Thank you, AFL, for making me look smart. Smarter. Okay, smart-ish. Also of note, he placed a $5 bet (and won $9.50) because he was a sissy. And then lost at craps, and told his special ladyfriend that she was bad luck, and that went over about as well as you’d expect. But I digress.

Secondly (and perhaps more importantly), your ISF Team will be actually attending a real life Arena League Competition this evening at Chicago’s “Allstate Arena” Rosemont Horizon Venue For Monster Truck Rallies, Secondary Professional Leagues, College Basketball, and American Idol Tour Concerts. This is something we’re very excited about and hope to document. So, if you happen to be watching or attending the game, look for us. We’ll be the ones attempting to visibly radiate ironic detachment. I’ll try to think of some more obvious descriptor later. Early prediction: Chicago 72, Philadelphia 56.

Back to 30 Rock.