BREAKING: Commissioner Hagrid! What Will We Do Without You?

In a surprise move two days before the Arena Bowl, and one year after signing a contract extension, Commissioner David Baker resigned his post for reasons… mysterious.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I never thought I would do this for the rest of my life,” Baker told The Associated Press. “The league has never been stronger … it gives me the opportunity to look into doing other things.”

…

“There’s a lot of great opportunities for this league.” Baker said. “So this is a good time for me. If I didn’t go now, there would be no other career for David Baker.

“Like my good friend John Elway, I am going out on top.”

Bullshit. If it doesn’t turn out that he was called back to Saltfjellet by Hrungnir, King of All The Mountain Giants, I’m calling shenanigans on this whole thing. Because a world where Commissioner Hagrid resigns because he’s bored, and not because he must take part in a 10,000-year-old ancestral tradition of hewing forests, draining lakes, and piloting the mighty glaciers themselves is not a world in which I want to live.

Nevertheless, fans and employees of the Arena Football League owe David Baker a debt of gratitude for the last 12 years of work, which saw consistent growth in team value and visibility, a shocking increase in media coverage (thanks, Worldwide Leader!), and the ability to mock the leadership of every other sport. Bud Selig, Roger Goodell, David Stern, and especially that troll Gary Bettman should thank their lucky stars they no logner have to be shown up by the commissioner of a second-tier sport in professionalism, fan-friendliness, and the ability to crush coal into diamonds.

It’s Still Football wishes Mr. Baker the best, and would be remiss in neglecting to mention that meeting the guy last year was insanely great. We also might have been inebriated. But that shouldn’t detract from the fact that we were duly impressed by his magnificence

I hope he still takes care of all the Arena Bowl XXII pomp and circumstance, because it’d just feel weird to have Ed Policy hand over the 10-Ton Foster Trophy.

Godspeed, You Titan; You Showed Us How a 7'6" Bazillionaire Should Act

Bugger Off, Pac-10 Commissioner Search

On Tuesday, Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen announced that July 1, 2009 would be his final day at the helm of the conference. We said, and I quote, “What? Who? Whatever.” Because we are Big Ten apologists above all else, and therefore harbor a deep-seated jealousy towards the Pac-10 for their weather, girls, ostensibly laid-back attitude, and bazillion NCAA championships. Also, we don’t pay attention to “rumors,” “news,” or “facts.” But when you suggest that perhaps our favorite motile mountain of a commissioner would be a good fit for the opening, why, our hackles get raised. He’s ours, Pac-10, and we like him, because he can palm my head like ordinary people might a grapefruit. Also, he’s made great strides towards make the Arena Football League notable, and quite nearly relevant. But most of all, he legitimately cares about the goofy league with the crazy rules, and genuinely seems to have fun with his job.

He’s not an evil gnome, employed despite global revulsion and incompetence that nearly killed his sport (Gary Bettman). He’s not a megalomaniac who, when confronted with bad news, essentially sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “Woo! Woo! Can’t hear you! Train coming through!” (David Stern, who I am convinced is the guy who hisses into his phone to fake a bad connection, or drops syllables and claims that “there’s someone on the other line.”) He’s not a combination of the two, with the exception that – by the grace of God and rampant drug use – his sport managed to not get hooked up to life support. (Buuuuuud Selig!) And he’s not a power-mad autocrat who thinks he’s Zeus. (Roger Goodell, who I actually kind of like.) He’s our friend! So, take a hike, Pac-10.

Arena Bowl XXII to feature Miss America; perhaps football

So far as we can tell, she’s no relation to kicker/lesbian schmoozer AJ Haglund, although she does have the shapley smooth legs of a punter

It’s official: Miss America 2008, Kirsten Haglund, will be a part of the Arena Bowl XXII festivities.

We’re getting early reports that to help spread her message about the danger of eating disorders, Haglund will consume a turduckenwith Commissioner Monstrosity/Easter Island Stone-Throwing Champ David Baker prior to kickoff.

¿Donde Estará La Casa Pequeño de Fútbol Americano?

We must begin with the quote from the Arizona Republic:

Now Baker is talking about possibly putting teams in London, Berlin and Mexico City or Monterrey, Mexico, by the end of this decade.”I think we’re built for it,” Baker said. “It makes travel easier.

“Unlike 100-yard football, where it takes a 747 for each team, we travel with 26 to 27. Clear out a couple of rows of coach and we’re ready to go.”

Oh, yes. Because travel is the problem with sending the NFL overseas. It’s not that the general reaction to our usual football is “¿Que? Quoi? Eh? Was? Cosa? Wat? Что? Quais? Τι?” Which is shortly followed with “Hey, chaps, why don’t we start some sort of riot in the sport we like? Who brought the flares? Gunter? Ripping good job.” Now, what really needs to happen is this: the Arena League needs to create the London Blitz and send It’s Still Football to cover and promote it. We don’t eat that much, we’re low maintenance, we’re well-educated; send us! We’ll be ambassadors!

Look, we even have ideas, as “presented” by Commissioner David Baker! High five!

“Présentation: Les Hommes d’Fer! We look forward to Parisians can not attending, just like Euro Disney! Additionally, this is the only arena in the league where smoking is permitted. We’re considering putting a team near Belgium. We’re thinking about calling it the Maginot Linemen. Haut-cinq!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the Monterrey Huitzilopochtli. The Mexican fan base can find this thoroughly aburrido, and Lou Dobbs thinks this is a terrible idea, but we will not be deterred! ¡Alto cinco!”

“We, after studying Napoleon and the Wermacht, have decided to wait until the Spring to invade Russia. [Laughter] The team will be the St. Petersburg Czarists. Верховный пять!”

“I am the Loch Ness Monster.”

“Since we already know that the Germans are football-mad, or at least willing to humor us as thanks for the Marshall Plan, Germany gets more than one team. I am proud to announce the Berlin Nihilists, the and the Dresden Bombers. Hoch fünf!”

“Cheerio, old chum. I submit for your approval the final piece of our international puzzle, the London Blitz. I have nothing but the highest of hopes for our expansion to Mexico and Europe, and, if this experiment is as successful as we all hope, perhaps we will move into Asia. Macao is the Las Vegas of the Orient, you know. Cheers!”

I don’t know how to contextualize my last picture, so I’m just going to put it up there.

Just think: if this is accurate, those girls behind David Baker are 8 feet tall and small objects thrown in their direction have a tendency to go into orbit around them.

Wait, Commissioner Hagrid Said Stuff?

(AP File Photo – David Baker vs. Gary Bettman)

Well, we completely missed this. Also, he was elsewhere on ESPN. After the jump, David Baker says stuff. Fuck off and die, ESPN video. Here’s the link. Dammit.

We also missed the chat on ESPN.com, and now it’s Insider. Your humble editors have failed you. Miserably.

It’s Still Football Puts the “Off” in “Offseason”

 

We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs – delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages: