Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. [pause] No, I’m afraid he does not have any specific plans to celebrate his 900th professional touchdown pass. The professor’s opinion is that ’900 is only almost 1,000.’ He doesn’t care to celebrate merely “almost making it home,” or “almost sleeping with your wife or significant other.” [pause] Very good sir, and thank you for calling the department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone.
[Typing, phone rings]
Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. Hello, Mr. Phillips, how are you today? I’m terribly sorry, but Dr. Dolezel is unavailable at this time to mentor Mr. Romo. Our office is aware of what a nice young man he is, but our reluctance is two-fold: one, Dr. Dolezel is currently focused on the Arena League season, and two, it would be likely discomfiting to Mr. Jones to have Dr. Dolezel steal Ms. Simpson away, or, in a plausible scenario, seduce both Ms. Simpson and Mr. Romo. [pause] Yes sir. [pause] We have a series of adjutants specifically designated to break up those sorts of slap fights, but we prefer not to use them in situations involving persons of Mr. Romo’s and Ms. Simpson’s… significance. [pause] Certainly, you may ask him yourself, but there’s no use standing in the parking lot like last time, Mr. Phillips, as Dr. Dolezel has gained the ability to countermand the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and simply projects himself from one location to another. He has no use for devices as terrestrial as automobiles. He chooses not to use this in competition, no. No, he cannot teach it to Mr. Romo. Or, to prevent the inevitable question, yourself. [significant pause] We are well aware that Mr. Jones considers Mr. Romo an, as you say, “goddamned star.” We also would like to see him succeed, being part of the Dallas Cowboys’ family. Please don’t cry, Mr. Phillips. The department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone empathizes with you. [muffled, at the other end of the line, there is a crash, then: YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! WOOOOOO!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!! STOP DROOLING ON THAT THING! WHO'D TALK TO YOU ON THE RAPROD, ANYWAY, A T & TUBBY?!?] Thank you for calling, Mr. Phillips, Dr. Dolezel wishes you the best of luck.
[With apologies to Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber for the appropriation of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips.]