On Another Milestone Reached

[Phone rings]

Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. [pause] No, I’m afraid he does not have any specific plans to celebrate his 900th professional touchdown pass. The professor’s opinion is that ’900 is only almost 1,000.’ He doesn’t care to celebrate merely “almost making it home,” or “almost sleeping with your wife or significant other.” [pause] Very good sir, and thank you for calling the department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone.

[Typing, phone rings]

Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. Hello, Mr. Phillips, how are you today? I’m terribly sorry, but Dr. Dolezel is unavailable at this time to mentor Mr. Romo. Our office is aware of what a nice young man he is, but our reluctance is two-fold: one, Dr. Dolezel is currently focused on the Arena League season, and two, it would be likely discomfiting to Mr. Jones to have Dr. Dolezel steal Ms. Simpson away, or, in a plausible scenario, seduce both Ms. Simpson and Mr. Romo. [pause] Yes sir. [pause] We have a series of adjutants specifically designated to break up those sorts of slap fights, but we prefer not to use them in situations involving persons of Mr. Romo’s and Ms. Simpson’s… significance. [pause] Certainly, you may ask him yourself, but there’s no use standing in the parking lot like last time, Mr. Phillips, as Dr. Dolezel has gained the ability to countermand the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and simply projects himself from one location to another. He has no use for devices as terrestrial as automobiles. He chooses not to use this in competition, no. No, he cannot teach it to Mr. Romo. Or, to prevent the inevitable question, yourself. [significant pause] We are well aware that Mr. Jones considers Mr. Romo an, as you say, “goddamned star.” We also would like to see him succeed, being part of the Dallas Cowboys’ family. Please don’t cry, Mr. Phillips. The department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone empathizes with you. [muffled, at the other end of the line, there is a crash, then: YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! WOOOOOO!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!! STOP DROOLING ON THAT THING! WHO'D TALK TO YOU ON THE RAPROD, ANYWAY, A T & TUBBY?!?] Thank you for calling, Mr. Phillips, Dr. Dolezel wishes you the best of luck.

[With apologies to Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber for the appropriation of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips.]

A Game? Tonight? That’s Important? NO WAY.

Hey, Joe’s moving, and I’m trying to create a cohesive lighting design out of, like, mold and Edison’s first light bulb, and stray electrons that wander into the room, so, generally, we suck, but: WATCH THE DAMN-HELL-ASS GAME TONIGHT! We fully intend to point-counterpoint and whatnot, so, there’s that. But!

Graziani’s hair D’Orazio’s magic back and grit! Dr. Dolezel’s prowess, sexual and otherwise! Will Dallas be pulled offsides by Graziani’s hard count? [Update: No. The bastard still isn't playing. Also, I'm an idiot for not knowing that.] Will Philly’s defense harass the unflappable Professor? (This quarter he tought a course on Playcalling Out of Spite! “You there, Sandy! Run directly at that large angry man!”) Will Will Pettis… hee: I just wrote “Will Will!”

ANYWAY. All these storylines and probably more… TONIGHT! ESPN2!

Oh, P.S. HOLY SHIT THEY’RE BOTH UNDEFEATED! DID YOU KNOW? IT’S FUCKING NUTS! AAAAAH! [Runs around in tiny circles.]

Weekend In Review: The Grudening

The Other Gruden, last seen searching for a whiskey sour.

Well, well, Orlando Predators. We meet again for the first time! We had heard rumor of skilled players present in the Greater Central Florida region, but we assumed that a search for them would be Juan Ponce de Leon-esque: fruitless and impotent, with a chance of mosquito swarms and ending with an unfortunate meeting with a poisoned arrow. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Welcome back to eating at the big kids table, Jay.

ORLANDO 57, Chicago 56 (OT)

If Orlando can stick around until late in the 4th quarter, they seem to be able to pull out the W. That’s reasonably impressive, especially as Shane Stafford isn’t putting up especially gaudy numbers, and their defense isn’t really at the forefront of anyone’s mind. Nevertheless, who’s 4-2 and second in the suddenly WILDLY competitive Southern Mitsubishi Division? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “schmedators.” Plus, we got to see the surprise on someone’s face when one’s quadricep gives out unexpectedly.

See below for scores higher than the one that Michael Wilbon was shocked by.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Dallas Desperados

For the record, I added an artistic representation of the Texas Schoolbook Depository to the middle of the flag, but you totally can’t tell. So, let’s pretend you CAN tell. Also, assume that I made the ironic JFK “too soon?” joke.

Facts:

• National Conference, Eastern Division (it’s sponsored, don’t worry.)
• Arena Bowl Championships: would you believe… none?
• Owned by Jerry Jones, who wanted to name them the Texans, until Houston decided to name their NFL franchise the Texans. Americans may be bad at geography, but we get it: Houston and Dallas are cities in Texas. Jesus.
• Last year’s record: 15-1, first everywhere, the juggernaut was (bafflingly) derailed by Columbus in the divisional round.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Hey, look, Dallas reloaded! (See, because they’re Desperados – their mascot shoots a gun? And has to reload with ammunition? Right? RIGHT?) Seriously, though, they’re in pretty good shape. Dr. Dolezel is still running the offense and has all of his weapons. They are, frankly, the class of the division, conference, and league. Look out, assholes. The Daaaaaaysperahdows are coming for you.

Bullet Points About People:

• Josh Bush wanted to come to Dallas in order to be closer to his ancestral home: Belize.
• Colston Weatherington is actually a British peer. His full title is Colston Mangles Weatherington VI, Earl of Light Wapping. He is also, by marriage, the Vicomte Fromage. He also picks his teeth with railroad ties.
• Dr. Clint Dolezel is a recurring figure on this website, and with good reason. I predict… 101 touchdown passes. I’m serious about this number. Dolezel does not fear the Jack linebacker.
• Remy Hamilton (nicknamed Monsieur Cohérence by some Frenchmen) joins the Desperados upon the retirement of Ol’ What’s His Face. (Todd Sievers).

The Good:

The Three D’s: Depth, Dolezel, and… Dirty Bastard, Ol’. Drive. Four thin- Determination. 5. Five things. And everything else about Dallas. Real, real scary. The chemistry’s the same, the talent’s the same, right?

The Bad:

The possibility of divine intervention in the form of injuries or a meteor striking the Earth. The economy. This post. Not the Dallas Desperados, certainly.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

13-3. What? It’s a hard schedule. Lose to Tampa Bay in the conference championship because Joe already put Tampa Bay in the Arena Bowl.

Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.

Tony Graziani (Philadelphia): HEY! I THINK IT WAS A QUESTIONABLE DECISION TO BLOCK IN THAT MANNER BY TRENT, BUT ALSO WRONG FOR TRAVIS TO TAUNT A MOTIONLESS OPPONENT. ADDITIONALLY, I FIND TRAVIS’ APOLOGY LACKING. By the way, how’s my hair?

Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]

A Message From Clint Dolezel

Hey, Brett. It’s Clint Dolezel. Dan Marino just congratulated you on your 421st touchdown pass, and I’d like to express my sentiments about that same event: Yawn. I don’t even remember my 421st touchdown pass. I remember my SECOND 421st touchdown pass. It happened this year. I like to call it my 842nd career touchdown pass. And I’m 23 passes into my third set of 421 touchdown passes. Just so you know. If you’d like, you can consider me mathematically more than twice the man you are.

Don’t worry, I won’t use this to seduce your loved ones.

Though I totally could.

Awesomely,

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D.
Chancellor, University of Putting the Ball In the Fucking Endzone

Well, We’re Not Very Smart

Okay, I’ll admit it. We suck. At prognostication, in any event. I picked the wrong upset, and J picked no upset. Though, to be fair, no one that wasn’t in posession of the Back to the Future sports almanac picked Dallas to lose to Columbus. [Note: In looking for an image, I discovered that even the Grays Sports Almanac wouldn't have helped, as it ceased to be useful in 2000.] My mind is firmly set to “boggle.” Let’s see what we got right and got wrong:

After The-Internet-Trope-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named:

Briefly: Watch Tonight’s Game!

Nothing really to report from the weekend, a weekend that will be cleverly recapped after your TWO Monday Night (Arena) Football games tonight. However, Peter King, of Sports Illustrated had rather nice things to say about the game tonight that won’t make your eyes bleed. I’ll embed the statement right here; if you want to read it in it’s original near-total-lack-of-context, you can hit that link.

From Mr. King’s 10 Things I Think I Think column, 5/14/07:

7. I think it might be worth a few minutes tonight, if you can tear yourself away from Cavs-Nets or Marlins-Pirates, to catch a few snaps of the Chicago-Dallas Arena game. It’s the best two teams in the league (they’re a combined 17-2), and there’s an intriguing player in the game — 6-3, 220-pound Chicago receiver Bobby Sippio, who might engender a small bidding war (very small) between NFL teams at the end of the Arena season in July. He’s a big receiver, obviously, not just the typical Arena smurf, and he’s on pace to catch 71 touchdowns. I have no idea what that means in the real world, but in Arenaball, it’d be an all-time record. The game’s on ESPN2 at 8:30 Eastern.

Thanks, PK! Your insane ramblings are a credit to your periodical. I’d actually be really thrilled if more writers start giving some Arena players their due, especially Sippio. That being said, I, like, Peter King have no idea how to translate numbers from Arena Football to real life. You may as well just say that Sippio’s on track to catch plodz touchdowns this year, which would beat the record of frood touchdowns, set in ninteen-zibbity-arf.

Here’s the thing, though: If the second half of the season at least retains the momentum of the first half, the AFL has to count this season as a success. If the playoffs are any good, the meager fanbase could be meausrably expanded. It might not be enough to thrill the kids from Bristol who are beginning to have that cat-pee smell of desperation about them already, but it’ll be good for the league.

I mean this in all earnestness – I’ve turned the snarking sign off for the moment - I’d like to see this gain some kind of vague hold in the sporting consciousness. It’s a gimmicky sport, sure, and there’s a lot of mediocrity, but there’s legitimate competition taking place, and it’s something people can a) afford and b) get excited about. Taking all that into account, the Dallas-Chicago game tonight is kind of a big deal. If you’re a casual reader who wandered over from Deadspin or something because we can occasionally turn a phrase, give the game a moment of your time. They’re the two best teams in the league, Dolezel has the wherewithal to play quarterback at any level, and D’Orazio-to-Sippio is the most exciting connection in the league this year. It’ll likely be a barn-burner. And the two defenses are among the hardest-hitting, so the few passes that don’t go for scores are likely to involve some pretty good blow-ups. Watch. Maybe? NFL Fanhouse even agrees with us.

A Great Quarterback, or The Greatest Quarterback?

Francis Asbury Tarkenton? Coward.

Brett Lorenzo Favre? Crybaby and a Nancy-Boy.

Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.? Fraud. Wears capris. Often gets the vapors.

John Albert Elway, Jr., or Joseph William Namath? Pansies. Weaklings. Gayer than Jerry Jones is for blue-eyed Aryans.

Gentlemen, meet Clint Dolezel. Ladies, I’m sure you’ve already met. 420 touchdown passes? A number approached by noodle-armed weaklings. Call me when you throw roughly 400 more. Dr. Dolezel (for he has a Ph.D in putting the ball in the end zone), as of this evening, has thrown 802 touchdown passes. Eight. Hundred. And. Two. His goal is 1,000. Le Bureau International des Poids et Mesures classifies that as “A Metric Fuckton.”

Also, if you’re an opposing defensive back, he’ll come after you for a spot of conversation after throwing his 800th touchdown, and if you’re gauche enough to headbutt Dr. Dolezel at this point, not only will he accept it and use it as fuel, he will cut you from ear to ear.

Also, Andy Kelly of New Orleans has 793.

And Arizona’s Sherdrick Bonner has 785.

So… up yours, other (lesser) players.

But Otto Graham would have 2,000 touchdowns, so watch out for Zombie Otto Graham.

Don’t worry, Dan. This #13 will never win a Super Bowl, either.

Live-blogging Philly at Dallas

7:02- Wow. Dallas is ready to “ride dirty”, and commentators Trey Wingo and Mark Schelereth (sp?) tells us Clint Dolezel (who is sporting an absurd goatee) may throw his 800th TD pass here tonight. Sweet Jesus. Kickoff goes crazy, bouncing off the wall, Philly almost loses it.