Da Coach Says…

“Man, that’s really the last time I go to Cesars… what? We won? ¡Victoria!” 

Holy Mother of God, Utah Wins! Philly Loses! (Also, MN(A)F Preview)

Ah, yes, the low-hanging fruit of posting this Far Side picture. In this allegory, Utah’s the door, by the way.

Holy flaming dog-poop! Utah won their pillow fight with Kansas City for their first victory of the season! Success and joy abound, for Coach/GM/Incompetent Buffoon Danny White’s urge to kill is subsiding! I could cover this in the Weekend in Review that tends to go up on Wednesday-or-not-at-all-sorry-about-that, but screw it. 1-9, baby! No zeroes here! All right! Let’s you, me, and our 12,000 friends celebrate.

Wait - 12,208 people saw this game? For real? An 0-9 Utah draws 12,000? What were they giving away, gold bullion? Was it “Full price ticket for the first wife, all extra wives are free” night? (Ah, yes, polygyny jokes in re: Utah. Will you never get old?*)

On the other hand… the completely mysterious Cleveland Gladiators managed to capitalize on smashing Matt D’Orazio’s bones to a fine powder, forcing a somewhat-rusty Tony Graziani into the game. Cleveland… controlled the clock? I mean, it was a relatively low-scoring affair, and the Gladiators got four rushing touchdowns out of Marlon, excuse me, Marlion Jackson, so… presumably… I seriously have no idea what to make of Cleveland. I have to presume that Bernie Kosar now just wears a cape and a zorro mask and hides in shadows, leaping out at unsuspecting owners.

[Ominous voice] No team remains unbeaten. No team remains winless. [/Ominous voice]

As for tonight’s tilt in Tampa between the semi-mighty Chicago Rush and the mostly-spastic Tampa Bay Storm, well, let’s just say our loyalties are divided. On the one hand, a human being who’s been nice to us, which allows us to overlook the fact that it seems that he’s on his back a distressing amount of the time and while he gets his stats, there hasn’t been as much, you know, winning as one might like. On the other hand: blatant homerism! WOO! Our city rocks the hardest! We have deep dish pizza and beef sandwiches and HOLY SHIT: MARIO’S ITALIAN LEMONADE OPENED FOR THE SUMMER LAST WEEK.

[The sound of a chair being flipped over, doors slam, minutes pass]

Where was I? Oh, yes: torn between whatever the opposite of a rock and a hard place is. Here’s the analysis: Tampa Bay hasn’t done well against defensive pressure, which is the only thing Chicago’s consistently shown. If Brett Dietz, the Finnish Flash, can escape from the Rush D, they’ve got a puncher’s chance. Michna’s a good kid, but he doesn’t quite have ice water in the veins yet. You know when you turn on the tap to “cold,” and you run your hand under the stream and say to yourself, “Well, I could drink that, or I could see if there’s anything left in the Brita,” but it’s colder than tepid? That’s what Michna has. Chicago has the defensive edge, and they’re even on offense.

My theory? Chicago pulls out a squeaker, but Tampa Bay gets some sort of moral victory. OR, if the Storm do pull this one out, expect them to go on a second-half run, a la last season.

From The Rules Broadcast

A couple of days late, I know, but nevertheless, we promised clips of referees talking about things, and we shall deliver!

First, a grab of the “Madden ‘98″ graphics I was referring to:

Throwbacks! As for the rest, well, there’s the old saying that there are two things you’re better off not knowing how they’re made: sausage and laws. We can add “sorting out complicated officiating infractions” to that list once I figure out how to make it pithier. Enjoy:

My favorite part is the bit where they show the stands from just behind the referee. The Kansas City fans do not look happy, and it makes me not want his job. If you were curious about the guy in the brown suit jacket who is irate at the end of the clip, it’s owner Neil Smith, who, we’re happy to say, watches from the stands.

We also get a clarification on what sorts of celebrations are okay, and what aren’t. I’m with Ray and Bob: that line’s pretty arbitrary.

“You can pump all night,” indeed…

Live Blogging the “Rules Broadcast”: Chicago @ Kansas City

Okay, if this is a “rules broadcast,” to introduce strangers to the Arena League, then who better to impose upon for my liveblogging purposes than someone who’s never seen the friggin’ game. So I’m hanging out with my friend Pat tonight.

Lead in to the AFL? College Bowling, of course. “I like college bowling more than pro bowling, actually - it has more integrity,” says Pat. Maryland-Eastern Shore is your women’s bowling champion. Yes. This is terrifying.

But, everyone’s miked up, we’re at the Something-or-other Dome (Sprint Center) in Kansas City, and I’m going to document the exact moment that strangers lose interest in the AFL.

Ray Bently and Bob Wischusen are our guides. “Oh ho ho,” says Pat, “We’re going to have a ratings bonanza!”

The dimensions are described to my friends, who are speechless with what I assume is confusion

We’re doing this crazy thing … now:

The IRONY: Arizona “Get Your Season Ticket Money Back” Watch update

Arizona Rattlers, do you recognize this man?

He’s a guy that goes by the name of Bonner. Sherdrick Bonner. He likes his Red Hots with mustard, pickles, and tomatoes, not on a tortilla with refried beans, and dropped you to 2-3 Friday night.

Arizona fans, you’re six losses away from getting your season ticket money refunded.

Enjoy Jeff Smoker and upcoming games against Tampa Bay (Dietz!Dietz!Dietz!), New Orleans (4 game winning streak!), and Dallas (punky backup QB to be replaced by The Doctor) to get you on your way!

Guest Post! In Re: Chicago Rush Sartorial Choices

Hi all. I’m Josh, and even though I never remember to post on my own blog, I’m writing a little blurb for my friends here at It’s Still Football.  Why? Because of something that combines my favorite things in the world: off-beat sports, online polls, & criticizing peoples’ fashion choices.

The Chicago Rush are introducing a third jersey this season — May 19th against LA. Mark your calendars — and they’re soliciting fan advice on which pants and helmets to pair it with.  There’s a poll on their front page and some illustrations featuring Gloria and Jen of the (Mit) SoBe (shi) Adrenaline Rush dancers.

With no offense to the lovely photoshopped ladies, can I just say how awful the third jersey is?  Your away jersey is already navy blue with silver, and you choose black with silver for the alternate?  I know the league is not known for it’s subtlety in uniform design, but please.  Are you trying to throw back to old Roger Staubach-era Army unis?

I’ll be voting for black helmets/silver pants.  Partly because I do think it’s kind of classy, but mostly because of that look that the Gloria on the right keeps giving me.

Never Mind.

Perhaps we got excited too soon.  Paul Edinger hung on with the Chicago Rush for a week, before being cut in favor of Dan Frantz, who’s been one of the more consistent AFL kickers over the last few years.  He reportedly left the team by facing indoors, away from his bags before exiting the facility with surprising accuracy.

I’m not changing my preview, but suffice it to say, we’re back on board the Frantz train.

What On Earth We Can Expect: The Chicago Rush

I was going to use the Chicago flag, and claim that the stars represent Fort Dearborn, the Columbian Exposition*, the Great Chicago Fire, and Ditka. But this logo rocks my socks consistently, and it’s a crime against design and nature that the IOC were babies about using their precious flame in the logo. I - and I am not making this up - have sat up in bed in the middle of the night furious that this logo can’t be used. DisGRACEful.

Facts:

• American Conference Western Division
• Arena Bowl Champions: 2006
• Allstate Arena/Rosemont Horizon conveniently located near really cool movie theater that I desperately want to go to.
• Last year’s record: 12-4 (1st), lost to San Jose in conference championship game.
• Ditka.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

This might be the team that’s helped most by the rule change that says the Jack linebacker can roam sideline to sideline. Perhaps you’ve heard of DeJuan Alfonzo? Speedy guy, hits really friggin’ hard? In fact, if memory serves, the Chicago defense as a whole seems to pride themselves on causing grievous bodily harm to opponents. (Grievous being another good middle name for Earnest Certain.) To whom it may concern: expect turnovers. In other news, the Rush have been one of the powerhouses in the conference for the past several years, and the moves they were forced to make by Matt D’Orazio’s bad back (Sherdrick Bonner) and by Bobby Sippio’s decision to make the leap to the Chiefs’ special teams (Damien Harrell) unit are pretty much the only way to have reloaded in those areas. Also, did I mention that The Alfonzo can do whatever he wants now? He can line up in the backfield. He can run onto the field from the stands. He can climb the end zone nets and fall on people from great heights. He’s allowed to be armed with a poleaxe. He can piggyback on the radio feed into the opposing QB’s helmet and sing that irritating Corrs’ song as loud as he wants.

Bullet Points About People:

• Free agent acquisition FB/LB Dan Alexander set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns with 41, and his 426 rushing yards is the second-best season total in history. He can also tell a “clean” version of ”The Aristocrats.”
• Mike Hohensee quietly upgraded to a bionic arm after his parking-lot mishap last year. Rookie Fullback Erik Arevalo has been assigned to make the neeneeNEENEENEE sound as Coach Ho moves.
• Defensive Coordinator Walt Housman is no relation to A.E. Housman, but did play him in the Arena League’s 2002 production of The Invention of Love.

The Good:

Hard-hitting defense. Damien Harrell was purported to be BETTER than Bobby Sippio by some humans. The resurgent Paul Edinger! Ditka.

The Bad:

Sherdrick Bonner may dissolve into a fine powder during the course of this year. They call him a “wily veteran,” because it’s rude to say “he’s really old.”

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, Lose to Storm in conference championship. Alfonzo wins an award. Maybe a BAFTA. I don’t know.

*Initially typed “Explosition,” which will become a word even if it means I have to get violent with some lexicographers. 

Chicago Rush corkscrew themselves

That’s right, you heard it here first, where we heard it somewhere else: Paul Edinger, former kicker of the Chicago Bears from 2000-2004 and the Minnesota Vikings in 2005, has corkscrewed himself and his back-asswards kicking style into a 3-year contract with the Rush.

Let’s hope he gets a warmer welcome home than he did prior to shanking this field goal attempt with the Vikes at Soldier Field.

Just in case you were curious (and we know you were), season tickets are totally still available, starting at $68.

Da Coach says…

“Hey broads, if you’re going to be attending my Chicago Rush’s Pinot and Pigskin, you’d better get used to drinking my mother-friending wine. Look at that: I even checked my language for the benefit of you chicks.”

 

P.S. It benefits the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Also: there are still times when we could use an AFL primer, so Joe will be playing the Tony Curtis role, and I will be Jack Lemmon, as we attempt to infiltrate this ladies’ event.

 

Not really.

 

Probably not really.

 

Almost certainly not really.

 

But maybe.