Instant replay? The future is now!

Pictures and sound, prerecorded and transmitted via radio beams!

The Arena Football League is pioneering a new technology, and will introduce it just in time for the 2008 playoffs: using the videofilm machines already in place to verify the outcomes of questionable plays on the field. By making a recording of the game-in-progress, videofilm technicians will be able to pull film from close calls to review the recordings of varying camera angles in “slowed time motion” to verify that the correct calling on the field is made. The Arena Football League is referring to this unheard of achievement of futuristic technological ingenuity tentatively as “instantaneous gametime moviefilm review for accuracy”.

Thus far, reactions to the advance have been mixed by fans of the Arena Football League, as some welcome the advance, and bemoan the fact it has taken so long to make the necessary innovations, whereas other question its possible effect to the sanctity of the game, its referees, and its inclusion mid-season, the effects of which we will not fully understand until the system of videofilm-confirming reviews are introduced this post-season.

Verily, the future is here!

 

Weekend in Review: We Continue to Have No Excuses

We wanted to take the time to make sure that our analysis would be as in-depth and accurate as you, the reader, have come to expect. No, that’s a lie. We apparently simply couldn’t be buggered to reflect on the week’s AFL news, during which we actually watched some games and stuff.

Also, we’re going to combine a little serious information in this post: Week 9 of the season is “V Week,” where the Arena League and ESPN are combining to raise money and whatnot for cancer research. If you want to donate, the number is 800-4JIMMYV and you can hit the V Foundation’s website at www.jimmyv.org.

Okay, that was serious. Now for vaguely funny stuff you already know! WITH GREAT SPEED! And total inaccuracy!

Cleveland 83, LOS ANGELES 69

The Gladiators took advantage of a little-known rule where, if they solve a sequence of puzzles, not only do they get to move their away game to the Isle of Myst, they also get to play with rocket shoes.

Orlando 65, GEORGIA 62

Wait, the Predators and the VooDoo lead the South? Bullshit. I don’t believe in this season. As you may have gathered by how blatantly I’m phoning this post in. I regret everything, and will make it up to the planet with my mid-season reviews. Oh, the game? Very exciting. Blocked field goal to seal it. Jay Gruden broke Shane Stafford’s leg with a tire-iron, and Stafford was replaced by Kofi Annan:

KANSAS CITY 55, Colorado 53

Brigade win! Brigade win! John Dutton and Kristy Lee Cook both lose! Colorado had a chance at it, but couldn’t successfully score on the two-point conversion. Also, I just learned that Kansas City is sponsored by Southwest, so I assume that their uniforms will become that funky orange and red color combo, and they can retain the blue. I tried to mock this up but it looks so bad.

New Orleans 60, ARIZONA 36

New Orleans forced turnovers! [Gasp!] Arizona might have to give away season tickets! [Gasp!] LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] isn’t going to get the job done, but might it actually be… his evil twin?

San Jose 61, UTAH 40

Did you know Darren Arbet was sitting on 99 victories until last night? And did you also know that when you are struggling, you ought to play Utah? Because you will most assuredly win! 100 victories for Glorious Leader Arbet! He was reported to smile after the game, but this is unconfirmed.

New York Dragons 66, TAMPA BAY 47

Brett Dietz needs to not turn the ball over. Brett Dietz has a charming family. Brett Dietz throws for many yards and many touchdowns. Sadly, Brett Dietz had two interceptions, a lost fumble, and a safety. Brett Dietz would like some line help, please. Apparently, Tim Marcum was on the phone this week, hiring and firing, including picking up Monty Montgomery. Whose name places him among my favorite players, and I like to imagine that the meeting between he and Dietz will look something like this:

When asked for comment, Montgomery responded by throwing down his pencil and exclaiming “Damn!”

CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 52

With Sherdrick Bonner out due to a knee injury, Russ Michna captained the Rush to a victory over a scrappy Grand Rapids team that wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately for the Rampage, the goblin giving instructions to the coaching staff shrieked “GO FOR THE WIN, EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEH!” instead of letting Brian Gowins kick for the tie on Northwestern Alumni Outing Night That Joe and I Didn’t Go To Because We’re Idiots.

Wiki-Worthy: T.T. Toliver

In this semi-regular series (which has been defunct since two installments in the 2007 season), we shall examine someone affiliated with the Arena Football League who meets Wikipedia’s strict standards for inclusion, and then attempt to either elaborate on the entry or make a joke about their alma mater or arrest record. Today, Orlando Predators WR Antoine “T.T.” Toliver.

Weekend In Review: The Grudening

The Other Gruden, last seen searching for a whiskey sour.

Well, well, Orlando Predators. We meet again for the first time! We had heard rumor of skilled players present in the Greater Central Florida region, but we assumed that a search for them would be Juan Ponce de Leon-esque: fruitless and impotent, with a chance of mosquito swarms and ending with an unfortunate meeting with a poisoned arrow. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Welcome back to eating at the big kids table, Jay.

ORLANDO 57, Chicago 56 (OT)

If Orlando can stick around until late in the 4th quarter, they seem to be able to pull out the W. That’s reasonably impressive, especially as Shane Stafford isn’t putting up especially gaudy numbers, and their defense isn’t really at the forefront of anyone’s mind. Nevertheless, who’s 4-2 and second in the suddenly WILDLY competitive Southern Mitsubishi Division? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “schmedators.” Plus, we got to see the surprise on someone’s face when one’s quadricep gives out unexpectedly.

See below for scores higher than the one that Michael Wilbon was shocked by.

Ocho Cinco! Ocho Cinco!

More orange on the page! WAY more interesting than Ol’ Illinois What’s-His-Injury.

Okay, this may or may not have quasi-broken 10 days ago; that doesn’t make it any less interesting. It’s a well-known fact that Chad Johnson is cranky with his situation in Cincinnati, to the degree that he blew off the Bengals opening workouts this week. However, curious is the fact that he’d be willing to play anywhere else. Even… the Arena League? Why, yes, according to offhand statements on ESPN Radio.

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Whatever it is and where ever I am, it’s going to be something fun. You know what, I might be playing Arena ball. That’s the route I might have to go.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the silliest possible thing ever. We saw, with our own eyes, in perosn, Bobby Sippio leap into the stands after a touchdown, dance with fans, and then SPRINT back to his bench and dive over the boards to avoid a delay of game and/or too-many-men-on-the-field penalty on the extra point. That’s Bobby Sippio. He never made a public statement implying his desire to use a deer as a prop in a touchdown celebration. The Bleacher Report puts it best:

“Plus, the AFL, unlike the NFL, would most likely allow his dances and celebrations since they realize it’s entertainment and because well, they’re desperate for fans and would love to increase their ratings. I mean, the guy would be bringing in tons of fans and giving the league more media coverage than ever so I doubt they’d have a problem with him whipping out signs and Irish dancing.”

Commissioner Hagrid, when he handed out the 64-ton Arena Bowl trophy mentioned that the AFL stood for “All-Fun League.” the guy would be allowed to carry fireworks in his uniform if he wanted. He could wrap the ball in flash paper and set the thing on fire. He could leave the field, fly to Switzerland, put the ball in the Super Hadron Collider at CERN, and the AFL’d sent a camera crew after him and hold the game until he came back. And these are all inanimate objects! Do I see strippers involved in these touchdown celebrations? I certainly do.

Johnson wants to play in Dallas. Chris Sanders wanted to play for the Cowboys, too, but he didn’t get his wish. Maybe… nah. That’d be insane. But it’d be destination TV, that’s for certain. You want to get stupid, AFL fans? Root for further logjams in the Bengals front office.

(Note: This was originally referenced on the 18th of March on The Fanhouse. It was promptly forgotten about until The Bleacher Report and Under the Roof showed up in my Google Reader this afternoon. Hat tips all around.)

Brett Dietz contract: the INSIDE SCOOP

Not a moment too soon, Tampa Bay resigned Co-Rookie of the Year, and Generally Very Good at Throwing Oblong Objects, QB Brett Dietz to a three year contract. Rumored to be worth about 250,000 total clams, there are also rumored to be certain incentives in Dietz’s new deal. Directly from his contract:

“Also, in addition to monies promised to Brett Dietz over his three years, Brett Dietz is eligible for these additional incentives should Brett Dietz accomplish the following:

1. If Brett Dietz leads the Storm to an Arena Bowl victory, a statue of Brett Dietz as Zeus hurling lightning bolts shall be commissioned and affixed to the roof of St. Pete Times Forum.
2. Whenever Brett Dietz scores a stylish running touchdown, Coach/GM Tim Marcum will invite Brett Dietz to his home so they can fraudulently send pizzas and hookers to Ron Jaworski.
3. For every passing yard completed by Brett Dietz, Brett Dietz will be awarded a ticket. At the end of the season, Brett Dietz can exchange said tickets for a variety of prizes, including, but not limited to, Ring Pops, Nintendo GameBoy cartridges, and a new Schwinn bicycle.”

For the record, if Brett Dietz scores a Flutie-esqe drop-kick field goal, you will see pictures here of me doing whatever Brett Dietz wants JM to do on the interwebs.

Hopefully it’s something along the lines of ’stuff 100 jellybeans into mouth’ or ‘rub the beard of a professional athlete‘.

Cleveland Whatevers owner Jim Ferraro was right!

Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland’s inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.

Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.

It’s Still Football Puts the “Off” in “Offseason”

 

We also put the “nose” in there, as well as… what’s left: the “as?” That doesn’t even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the “sass” in there. Oh yeah. Also, I’ve spent so much time looking at the word “offseason,” that I’m not sure it’s a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part’s not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs - delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:

Las Vegas Relocates! To Cleveland!

Dear Ohio:

We think you need another Arena Football team to go along with the one in Columbus.

Love,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Dear Las Vegas:

You really screwed the pooch on this one. Hope you like Cleveland.

With Vitriol,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Indeed, I wouldn’t have noticed this if not for Deadspin. It’s Still Football: your source for third-hand news. 

Oh, Crap: We Haven’t Even Mentioned the Game!

It occurs to me that we’ve never made our predictions. Who will, with effort, hoist the 800,000-pound James Foster Trophy?

The Case for Columbus:

(TC)

• On their way here, they overcame the odds and defeated arguably the two best teams in the league whose name doesn’t rhyme with Man Fosé. Handily.
• Wily veteran coach Doug Kay don’t take no shit off nobody.
• Opportunistic on defense - converts turnovers into points.
• Kicker Peter Martinez is a pretty cool guy, and has tackled a couple guys but good.
• Matt Nagy’s mistakes tend to fly thirty rows deep into the stands. Hard to turn those into points.

(JM)

• Since everyone else that covers this league has mentioned it already, we’ll just repeat: Chicago was 7-9 heading into the playoffs last season (historical note: Chicago won).
• A QB that grows a beard means business, or maybe is just lazy (see: Kyle Orton). We suspect Matt Nagy is the former and not the latter.
• A team that’s made us eat this much crow has to be for real.

The Case For San José:

(TC)

• Hey! San José rhymes with Tan Flosé! Did I intentionally set it up so that mean’s they’re one of the top few teams in the league? (Hint: Yes.)
• Defense. Lots of it. A defense that tends to make it’s own opportunities.
• Coach Darren Arbet has a couple of rings, so that’s got to count for something, even if he hasn’t the demeanor of Emperor Palpatine.
• AFL stalwart Grieb > AFL stalwart Nagy. Sorry, Matt.
• I’ve been on the SaberCats bandwagon since week 7, with a one-week abstention in the hopes that Chicago’d make the Arena Bowl.

(JM)

• Coach Arbet - cool and composed.
• Mark Grieb - laser vision.
• In my experience, TC is a pretty smart hombre. He’s been singing San Jose’s praises since week 7.
• So far as Columbus in concerned, all good things must come to an end.

(TC) What it comes down to is that I keep saying to myself, “Really? Columbus? Where was this team all year? They’re not going to peel off their faces, Mission: Impossible-style, and turn out to be the Dallas Desperados in disguise, right?” San Jose hasn’t made any mistakes to speak of, and I stand by my statement that, even in the points-happy Arena League, defense wins championships. (JM) Verily.

(TC) Prediction: San Jose 60, Columbus 35. (JM) San Jose 62, Columbus 56.