IT LIVES (Bon Jovi-less, and Distinctly Lacking Grudens)

Perhaps you’ve noticed a subtle buzz around the water cooler; there’s a spring in your step, the source of which you can’t quite identify. The sun shines a little brighter, and strangers smile at each other in the street.

This is probably because olympic curling starts today in Vancouver.

Also, hey: the AFL is back! We don’t even have to call it Arena Football One (1) anymore! According to sources (a profootballtalk.com post forwarded to us at least twice), the old nomenclature was used on a conference call from the league. WOOOO. AIN’T NOTHIN’ STOPPING US NOW!

Rising! Like a phoenix! Or a Firebird! Whatever!

We were going to wait until this clusterfuckery ended, and there were some actual games to be played, or data to be massaged, or characters to be assassinated, but whatever. There was a conference call! Kosar and Ditka are back! It’s a war! Indoors! On the floor! Petit four! Esprit de corps!

Who’s involved?

South Division: Alabama (Huntsville – space camp!) Vipers, Jacksonville Sharks (Al Pacino-coached), Orlando Predators (Now with Zero Grudens),  Tampa Bay Storm (Brett Dietz!)

Southwest Division: Bossier-Shreveport (LA) Battle Wings (served with a side of bleu cheese dressing), Dallas Vigilantes (Dr. Dolezel bought the name Desperado for his own perpetual use, thank you), Oklahoma City Yard Dogz (I will never use this name), Tulsa Talons (formerly the Pittsburgh Phlanges)

Midwest Division: Chicago Rush (Wooo! We’re getting the band back together!), Cleveland Gladiators (Wooo? We’re getting the band back together?), Iowa Barnstormers (Look, it’s not like Kurt Warner’s doing anything), Milwaukee Iron (Wooo. We’re getting the band back ”together.” With Ringo’s kid playing the drums.)

West Division: Arizona Rattlers (I wonder if the money-back guarantee’s still good), Spokane Shock (more like shocked to find themselves in Spokane, am I right? Oh, let’s just get through this), Utah Blaze (who are currently holding open tryouts, and that’s really the only news of use on arenafootballone.com)

Conspicuous by their absence: Jaws/Bon Jovi-owned Philadelphia Soul, only the current Arena Bowl Champions; Grudens; ESPN (Hooray? The NFL Network?); San Jose Sabercats and ol’ LazerQBVision; actual useful data.

On the other hand: football games, starting April 10. -ish.

Well, fuck.

Really, guys? Aw, hell.

Announcement to come later today, apparently. The good news is, maybe we can get our hands on some cheap gear?

P.S. This doesn’t affect the af2, so, if you’re really looking for some sloppy indoor football… well, you might want to seek professional help first.

UPDATE: Yes, indeed, Operation Shutdown is in effect. From the league office:

We remain grateful to the greatest fans in the world for their avidity and their patience. It is with them in mind that the AFL, its owners and its players remain committed to resuming play as soon as it is feasible.

I’m not even interested in figuring out who or what to blame. So, I blame us, It’s Still Football, for not mocking hard enough last season.

Oh, and the economy. I also blame the economy.

There Are Certain Things We Are Suckers For

Photo stolen. Stolen stolen stolen. Ha!

Ah, AAFL Castoffs, welcome to our practice squads. And our motion pictures, apparently. Jon Beutjer was signed earlier this week to the Tampa Bay practice squad to replace… someone less interesting (Mitch Tanney), who was stolen by Philadelphia to back up their motley crew of pre-triage quarterbacks. So, welcome to the Arena League, Jon Beutjer, you titan of industry, you. You’ve come long way from hurling lightning bolts at John Schweigardt at Wheaton Warrenville North South (including ones that knocked the Carl Sandburg Eagles out of the playoffs in 1999) and then being surly at Iowa and transferring to Illinois simply because you were attacked by your offensive lineman…

And how could we forget your illustrious Illinois career, where I personally hated your living guts for ruining the final home game of my undergraduate career? Though I’m forced to admit: the fact that Northwestern was wretched that year probably assisted you in that endeavor.

THEN you played for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats! Your official bio refers to you as a tall, pocket passer! Canadians think you’re immobile! That’s really amazing, Jon. Also, it would appear that describing you as “oft-injured” would be cheritable. The fact that you were double-concussed in high school adds additional intrigue to the mix.

Then the AAFL! Oh, it’s so exciting! The possibilities, the geographical team names, the fact that it collapsed like a hot-air balloon hit by a stinger missile… you could’ve been the star to which Lesser Fontes hitched his wagon, but alas, the mortgage industry is full of liars, cheats, and those who eat puppies for a mid-afternoon snack.

Ah, memories, Mr. Beutjer. Perhaps if you had Chris Sanders’ mom in your corner, you could’ve made the NFL. Maybe. Okay, that’s really unlikely, but if it helps you sleep at night, then use it.

Also: you might want to watch Brett Dietz. At least follow his lead in the category of “not being an enormous bindle of dicks.”

Weekend in Reviewaaaargh!

What happened over the weekend? Everyone who wasn’t screwed before is now screwed. Except for Sherdrick Bonner, whose wife had a baby. But Graziani got his leg snapped like a twig, and Dallas has about one more quarter of keeping Chris Sanders alive. Other things happened, but it’s already 5, and this “venerable” website hasn’t commented on ANYTHING from this weekend. Nerts. [Update: Did it, and before Tuesday ended, too!]

Oh, and Cleveland’s 3-0, and that heralds the End Times.

Fake analysis after ye olde jump.

Guest Post! In Re: Chicago Rush Sartorial Choices

Hi all. I’m Josh, and even though I never remember to post on my own blog, I’m writing a little blurb for my friends here at It’s Still Football.  Why? Because of something that combines my favorite things in the world: off-beat sports, online polls, & criticizing peoples’ fashion choices.

The Chicago Rush are introducing a third jersey this season — May 19th against LA. Mark your calendars — and they’re soliciting fan advice on which pants and helmets to pair it with.  There’s a poll on their front page and some illustrations featuring Gloria and Jen of the (Mit) SoBe (shi) Adrenaline Rush dancers.

With no offense to the lovely photoshopped ladies, can I just say how awful the third jersey is?  Your away jersey is already navy blue with silver, and you choose black with silver for the alternate?  I know the league is not known for it’s subtlety in uniform design, but please.  Are you trying to throw back to old Roger Staubach-era Army unis?

I’ll be voting for black helmets/silver pants.  Partly because I do think it’s kind of classy, but mostly because of that look that the Gloria on the right keeps giving me.

ALL HAIL OUR TRI-DIAMOND OVERLORDS

Owns you.

TOKYO, JAPAN – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Our most munificent and magnificent Captain of Industry, the honorable Chairman Takashi Nishika, has announced that Mitsubishi Motors will remain the Official Motorcar of the Imperialist American Arena Football Sporting League for the 2008 season, the 20th year of the Hiesei Dynasty! ALL GLORY TO OUR MANY FAR-REACHING TENDRILS! In the interest of further expanding the Greater Asian-and-Everywhere-Else-on-Earth Sports Co-Prosperity Sphere, Mitsubishi is also pleased to announce that in addition to the Mitsubishi National Conference, Mitsubishi American Conference, and their sub-groups, the Mitsubishi Eastern, Mitsubishi Southern, Mitsubishi Central, and Mitsubishi Western Divisions. Additionally, Mitsubishi has been resplendently been granted the rights to re-name Chicago Rush quarterback Sherdrick Bonner. Henceforth, he will be known as Lancer Evolution Bonner. It is also easier to remember how to spell; so smarmy American not-journalists will not have to look it up every time. Banzai!

Additionally, when played by school children, the Arena Football League (presented enthusiastically by Mitsubishi) game will employ a pass rush wherein all defensive players must count to “5-Mitsubishi” before crossing the line of scrimmage to pursue the quarterback. Any non-sponsored word can be punished by an automatic first down (now known as first “Galant”) and distribution of Ainu Burns by the wronged team.

Our economic victory is at hand! First the Arena Football League (presented in HD by Mitsubishi on Mitsubishi TVs delivered by Mitsubishi employees in Mitsubishi vehicles to Mitsubishi patrons. Mitsubishi.), then, in the same manner that we are quietly turning our Japanese Defense Force into actual armed forces, we will turn the Arena League into a sporting power!

NOTE: In related news, readers will remember that San Jose Sabercats quarterback Mark Grieb won a Mitsubishi Spyder as part of his Arena Bowl XXI MVP award (as voted on by the illustrious authors of It’s Still Football!), which he exchanged for an Outlander, because it’s more practical. We will not forget this, Mark. You are a nice guy, and you have laser-vision, but … really? Also, did I really throw a “bonzai” in there? TC = Classy.

Arena Quarterbacks Convene Council of Trent Green

We at It’s Still Football have been fortunate to obtain the transcript of a hastily-convened meeting of all AFL starting QBs. The topic: the injury to Miami Dolphins QB Trent Green. Here are their assessments of the situation. And, thanks to Awful Announcing, video that – by now – everybody’s seen. For context. Or something.

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph. D. (Dallas): You know how I avoid career-threatening injuries like this? I don’t fucking block. It’s actually one of my many doctoral theses, entitled “Why A Quarterback Shouldn’t Have to Block.” Allow me to read to you from the abstract: “This thesis deals with why I never throw a block. I am a quarterback. Blocking occurs when a player without the ball impedes the progress of a defender. If the ball is not in my hands, it is in the air on the way to a receiver, in a receiver’s hands in the end zone, or I am on the sideline, having recently thrown a touchdown pass. In any of these situations, there is no one to block.” I cite my sources. They are impeccable.

Sherdrick Bonner (Arizona): Players now are so big, and fast, and strong that you have to protect yourself against this sort of thing. You have to practice good fundamentals so you don’t get hurt. People are talking about the rules to protect the quarterback so these sorts of injuries don’t happen on an ordinary play, and Mr. Green has to play smart and not lead with his head like that on an extraordinary play. In the Cretaceous Period, when I was a rookie, it was more anything-goes, and we had to know these things, simply to protect ourselves. Plus, there was a chance you’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. So, you know, you had to be alert.

Matt Nagy (Columbus): Let me tell you something. If that [expletive] Coach Walrus calls another [expletive] running play, I’m going to block with his hydrocephalitic noggin. After I RIP it from his BODY. THAT BASTARD. LISTEN TO ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M [expletive] [expletive] [clever new compound expletive] DOING.

Brett Dietz (Tampa Bay): Brett Dietz blocks with textbook form. Brett Dietz leaves the smell of cinnamon and vanilla in the wake of his blocks. Brett Dietz. Brett Dietz’s blocks remove stains from opposing players’ jerseys. Brett Dietz does not fall unconscious, unless it is by choice. Brett Dietz.

John Dutton (Colorado): I’m better than Cleo Lemon! Put ME in! Please. I’m so hungry. Oh, yeah, Trent Green. Tragic. Cut down in his prime. An American Hero. Whatever. Just sign me to a contract. I gots bills to pay.

Jeff Smoker (Nashville): [Drools.]

Matt D’Orazio (Chicago): Here’s what I don’t get: it’s a terrible block, just poor form by Trent, but Travis Johnson just goes after him. That’s just classless, waving your arms about like that. I simply can’t abide that sort of demonstration. Unless it’s by Bobby Sippio. But he usually earned it. By the way, does anyone know who I can throw the ball to next year? No? Okay, I have to call my financial planner.

Chris Griesen (Georgia): If I’m struck in the head, the only effect is the resounding chime, like someone tapped a glass bowl made of the finest crystal. It’s soothing, really. I then get back up and throw a 8-yard out pattern.

Shane Stafford (Orlando): Coach Gruden said he’d talk to us about it more when he gets back from hanging out with his family. I hate it when we have team meetings after Gruden Family Time – he’s always cranky and says “Jon says to do it this way,” in this weird sing-song falsetto. Occasionally he’ll get all weepy, and that’s really awkward. I just don’t want to get hurt.

Tony Graziani (Philadelphia): HEY! I THINK IT WAS A QUESTIONABLE DECISION TO BLOCK IN THAT MANNER BY TRENT, BUT ALSO WRONG FOR TRAVIS TO TAUNT A MOTIONLESS OPPONENT. ADDITIONALLY, I FIND TRAVIS’ APOLOGY LACKING. By the way, how’s my hair?

Mark Grieb: [Squints.] Yes. I know how to block. That’s not how you do it. I do it with the power of my mind. And practice. And community relations. But mostly my mind. [Continues to squint, endlessly.]

Briefly: Media Synergy? Maybe?

Tonight, on Kitchen Nightmares: the New York Dragons?

Really? They invited the New York Dragons to The Melting/Mixing/Melange Bowl or whatever the restaurant is called… to do… something. I have no idea. I’m going to try to get a screen capture if I can download it off of my TiVo.

It was completely random, but I do have to (shamefully) admit that I went “Woo! New York Dragons! It’s… that guy! Rohan Davey? Where’s Aaron Garcia? Probably tripped over a Best Boy and hurt himself,” when I saw them.

(It totally was Rohan Davey, by the way. Should I be frightened that I knew that?)

UPDATE: This requires a fuller examination. Watch this space. You know, if you’re entirely bored and want to know what a mediocre football team was doing on a weird reality show where a famous chef drops the f-bomb on horribly-run restaurant.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: This does not require a fuller examination. It is incredibly boring without being able to embed anything. The incompetent manager fails to log the reservations for, like, three New York Dragons, and it causes a flip-out, and it’s all very… whatever. There was some chicanery at the end where the employees play a little bit with the Dragons at their practice facility, but nothing explodes, and nobody re-injures Aaron Garcia or anything. If you like Kitchen Nightmares, you saw this. If you like the New York Dragons, comment below, because I wish to be informed of your existence, which I heretofore have considered mythical, like the Yeti. I also added a link to TWoP’s recap, which is also pretty good. 

A Message From Clint Dolezel

Hey, Brett. It’s Clint Dolezel. Dan Marino just congratulated you on your 421st touchdown pass, and I’d like to express my sentiments about that same event: Yawn. I don’t even remember my 421st touchdown pass. I remember my SECOND 421st touchdown pass. It happened this year. I like to call it my 842nd career touchdown pass. And I’m 23 passes into my third set of 421 touchdown passes. Just so you know. If you’d like, you can consider me mathematically more than twice the man you are.

Don’t worry, I won’t use this to seduce your loved ones.

Though I totally could.

Awesomely,

Dr. Clint Dolezel, Ph.D.
Chancellor, University of Putting the Ball In the Fucking Endzone

Out of Our Comas…

Briefly, anyway. Sooooooo… Yeah: that happened. We were up on Deadspin, and didn’t actually report on the game, because we did enough of that here. In any event: whee, yay fun.

The plan for this week was to recap what we got out of going to New Orleans (besides free food and carpal tunnel), as well as to decide what we’re going to do next. Unfortunately, real life got in the way. I know my esteemed co-editor is swamped at work, and my office has decided to block wordpress and any other blogging sites. That puts a crimp in the ol’ plans. So, if anyone wants to hire some random dude with a theatre degree, you know where to find me.

I’m going to get into a recap of the season eventually, but suffice it to say that we entered into this project for the purposes of having a regular target to make fun of, and ended up rather liking the sport. It was sort of weird, how it happened. We still won’t pretend to know what we’re talking about, but our setting of “Ironic Detachment (Cruel)” has shifted to “Ironic Semi-Detachment (Fondness)”.

What to do in the long months until the nets go back up? The title “It’s Still Football” could just as easily pertain to our alma mater, so we may throw up a post about Northwestern now and again, and if we come across weird football things that fall through the cracks, we’ll put them up. Of course, when Bobby Sippio gets picked up by the Bears, or something, we’ll weigh in. But we don’t really know what to do with ourselves. So, check in every now and then, and hopefully we’ll have something funny to say. Of course, if anyone out there has a suggestion, we’re open to it.

And, like I said, we still haven’t given the 2007 season the wrap-up that it’s due, so this isn’t a “signing off” post, or anything like that. I’m just ruminating because I can’t when I’m at work. Bastards.