If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.
That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.
Philadelphia - Last week: Beat Cleveland 62-61. Record: 12-3. – They’re set. The skin-of-their teeth victory last week notwithstanding, D’Orazio and Philadelphia are, going into this weekend, the favorites to crush all who oppose them. They’re no more banged up than anyone else, they’re communicating, et cetera. Which obviously means they’ll flame out in spectacularly baffling fashion at the Wachovia Center sooner rather than later.
Dallas – Last week: Beat New York 51-49. Record: 12-3. – Also in good shape. There is no reasonable argument for Dallas to not meet and overtake Philadelphia in the conference championship, because they led wire-to-wire and are the most experienced teams on the planet. So, let’s forget about that possibility, because it’s stupid. I hope you’re ready for a New Orleans – Georgia conference championship.
Georgia – Last week: Beat Chicago 50-47. Record: 10-5. – Speaking of Georgia, guess who has more momentum than Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Obama, the Cubs, and Voyager 1? (Hint: Georgia.) Beating Chicago to clinch the – hotly contested(!?!) – Southern division is an exclamation point on a season that started off shakily. Will the first-round bye hurt them, though? Seeing as how the National Conference is actually CHALLENGING? Unlike the conference that contains…
Chicago – Last week: Lost to Georgia, 50-47. Record: 10-5. – If Chicago doesn’t make it to the conference championship, it’ll be because DeJuan Alfonzo has been ripped to shreds in an unfortunate thresher accident. At least, that’s what I’m going to blame. As opposed to whatever it is that’s caused the Rush to be incapable of claiming home-field throughout the playoffs for the thirty-second straight week. But, hey: signing kickers out of the stands is cool. I’m going to kill myself.
San Jose – Last week: Beat Tampa Bay 73-70. Record: 10-5 – As usual, how quietly have the SaberCats stomped their division, and made it to the top of the conference? It’s like watching a professional speed-walker. But, hey, our favorite laser-visioned QB has a first round bye again, and still hasn’t run out of chances to defend their title. BUT THEY ELIMINATED TAMPA BAY. So I hate them.
Occasionally Travel by Air:
Orlando, Arizona, New Orleans
Consistently Forget to Remove Their Shoes:
New York, Cleveland
Complain That Southwest Makes You Stand In Line To Board:
Tampa Bay (Eliminated?!), Utah, Colorado
Have Heard of Airplanes:
Los Angeles, Grand Rapids
AHHH! GIANT STEEL BIRDS! WHAT WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?:
Columbus, Kansas City