Two references in one picture! (A) The Soul remain in the conference driver’s seat, beating the bejabers of Dallas this week, and (B) The plot of an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode this coming season revolves around two of the characters attempting to purchase the team from Jon Bon Jovi. I assume hilarity ensues. On to the scores, facts, and outright fabrications!
Philadelphia 71, DALLAS 64
The 11-3 Soul move into a tie with Dallas for the conference lead, but – thanks to the season sweep of the Desperados – own the tiebreaker. Tony Graziani was re-activated from IR before the game, got the start, and was INSTANTLY concussed, and Matt D’Orazio finished the game at quarterback. IS THIS THE END FOR OUR WELL-COIFFED HERO? STAY TUNED! Chris Jackson continued to make himself useful, scoring 6 times for Philadelphia. Think About It: Philadelphia celebrates things like The Constitution and Benjamin Franklin. Dallas celebrates things like jackets with fringe and drilling for dead animals that make your car go. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Hell if I know.
MORETAMPA BAY 71, Orlando 61
Well! It’s morning in Tampa Bay, and they’re celebrating in the streets of Turku, Finland, as Hero of the Soviet Union and Friend of the Blog Brett Dietz got stats (75% completion percentage?) and won the game! It’s a friggin’ miracle. PLUS, the Storm swept the season series from the Predators, something that hasn’t happened since 1967. (Actually, 1999.) Dan Frantz, cut from the Rush in favor of Paul Edinger, continued to have the yips, shanking 4-of-7 extra points. Think About It: Right now, BOTH of these teams are going to miss the playoffs. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Well, besides being total BS, it means that, cosmically, nothing makes sense and God hates us.
Georgia 63, COLUMBUS 34
Georgia takes a franchise-record 6-game winning streak into their last two games of the season, against the top two teams in the opposite conference. Meanwhile, Matt Nagy and company can reserve tee times starting June 22. I guess they could’ve made those reservations last week or the week before, but perhaps they were holding out hope they could get a late-season transfer to the American Conference, where a 3-win season doesn’t mean mathematical elimination. JESUS. Think About it: Another week, another comment along the lines of “Hey, the defense is stopping [other miserable team], and the offense is mostly Griesen-to-Bergeron, touchdown!” What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Well, Uncle Mo(mentum) seems to be in the building, and if they pick up a win against the reeling (really!) Rush and/or the spunky-yet-not-flawless SaberCats, the Force could be riding quite the wave into Ye Olde Playoffs.
UTAH 65, Los Angeles 56
Okay, this is getting stupid. Since The Talisman That Is Steve Videtich re-joined the STILL-DECREPIT Utah Blaze, they’ve (gasp!) won games! Five! And the latest being against the insane Frankenstein’s Monster that is Los Angeles means they still have a chance to make the playoffs! ESPN used this picture to lead their “story” about the game:
Proving that he always looks ri-damn-diculous when he throws the ball. I honestly thought they were still using the same picture from last year, but they’re not! He always looks like that! Exclamation points express my surprise! Think About It: Utah’s won 5 of their last 6. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: It means you should get down on your knees and thank GOD that Georgia has won 6 in a row, otherwise we’d be talking about the Utah Blaze as the hottest team in football right now. And then we’d all be bleeding from the eyeballs.
CLEVELAND 65, Chicago 44
The Gladiators played a football game against the Rush on Saturday. They won 65 to 44. Think About It: Raymond Sillyname + Bernie Kosar = Megatron. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Well, the “body” of this post is ripped off, and if you recognize the reference, you have excellent taste in TV shows.
NEW YORK 58, New Orleans 51
This is infuriating not only because it means that New Orleans doesn’t get the mantle of “Team that was beyond bad that is now a dark horse team” yet (Hello, Cleveland!), but also because if New York keeps winning, a team that nobody gives a rat’s ass about – attendance was 9,922 – can get into the playoffs. THEN, there’s jabber about the planet’s grandest television market making a wonderful stage for the Arena League, aaaannnnd the league gets the shit mocked out of them, because most New Yorkers are of the opinion “The New York Dra-whats?” So, screw that noise. Miss the playoffs, Dragons. Miss it in favor of Tampa or Orlando, where they care about the league. If I’m wrong, let me know. Oh, Danny Wimprine missed on the Hail Mary to tie the game, making me feel funny inside for his chances in the playoffs. Playoffs playoffs playoffs. Think About It: On the other hand, New York has been quietly solid all season at a respectable 8-6, and three of those losses were when Aaron Garcia was on the sideline, broken. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: It means that I’m vindicated when I said if AG could stay healthy, they’d be okay. So, yay for me. Also: I was originally going to say that he was sidelined with a broken hymen, but couldn’t bring myself to be that filthy.
Arizona 73, KANSAS CITY 34
Eeeegh. If there’s a team that’s worse than Kansas City, I would like to be introduced to them. This season’s argument in favor of relegation (bring up the Spokane Shock!) was entirely unmoved by the addition of Quincy Carter, Alleged Miscreant, who proved himself entirely indistinguishable from D Bryant other than the fact that Quincy has an entire first name. Fumbles, interceptions, and general ineptitude, combined with Matthew Sauk Trail being a marked improvement over Jeff Smoker and LANG CAMPBELL (who gets no music now), provides the surging Rattlers with a chance to have more than one playoff home game. Quickly – get free tickets, before they run out! Or whatever! Think About It: Actually, try not to. This was a merciless beat-down. Ugh. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Mostly, that I was lying when I said I’d like to be introduced to a worse football team than Kansas City, because eventually my inclination to pity kicks in.
GRAND RAPIDS 84, Colorado 65
James MacPherson threw 10 touchdowns on Saturday, hinting that some weeks, he can be an unstoppable Scottish claymore, lopping off limbs and heads and whatnot, and other weeks, he’s able to be crushed into a fine powder. Disgustingly, the bottom 5 teams in the American conference include Colorado, Grand Rapids, Utah, Los Angeles, and Kansas City. None of them have more than 5 wins, and that team that does have 5 wins? Utah. THREE of them will make the playoffs. Clearly, records don’t tell the whole story, but the sort of institutional ineptitude that the American Conference has been showing implies that something bizarre is going to happen in the playoffs (good – exciting!), but makes the regular season a bit of a laugher (bad – when you’re trying to convince people to take you seriously). ANYWAY, Grand Rapids managed to keep their foot on the accelerator and (Think About It:) Colorado proved that they’re clinically incapable of covering more than one receiver with any sort of consistency. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: You can beat Colorado every time you take the field against them if you don’t beat yourself.
Most Motor-Skills-Challenged of the Week: If you throw me out, for being a big sissy in the writing department (oh, words! You’re so hard to manage!), we have to provide this one to the Chicago defensive backfield for allowing a decent quarterback to connect with his largely no-name receiving corps to the tune of 10.7 yards per attempt. That’s-a no good. (Also: look, stats! I hate stats!)