PHOENIX, AZ – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Saturday evening, the playoff-guaranteed Arizona Rattlers made good on that guarantee by defeating the Orlando Predators, clinching a playoff berth.
We in the front office would like to express our relief that we don’t have to find $2.2 million dollars somewhere. I mean, sure, we’re insured against that kind of thing, but do you know what our premiums would go up to next year? We’d have to pay our front office in Del Taco coupons. Next year’s shtick would’ve been “Ever seen an entire pro sports team run by unpaid college interns? THE ARIZONA RATTLERS: CATCH THE FEVER MONO.”
Rattlers Managing Partner Brett Bouchy wants to personally add the following:
“We’d like to thank all the fans that supported the Rattlers this year, and know that playoffs are just the beginning. We came here to win championships. Also, hahahahahahaha! I’m rich! Rich! Well, I remain rich! Okay, I wasn’t made completely destitute! Hahahahaha! Suck it! I’m going to go re-fill my pool, now that I know I can afford it! See you later, suckers!”
Don’t forget: if you order season tickets for next year, we’ll totally give you playoff tickets for this year. For our many, many playoff home games. Like, the tons of them we will inevitably have. In a parallel universe.