Not a moment too soon: presenting your “Official ‘It’s Still Football’ Craptacular Virgin ArenaBowl XXII Playoff Bracket

Granted, this comes a day late, but we don’t call it Craptacular for nothin’. Look for a Virgin (Wild)Card Weekend Wrap Up Spectacular soon! In the meantime, get back to watching (UGGH) Colorado and Utah.

Sorry, Brett.

Week 16 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillows: Gary Horton reads us!

“Make my grandkids call me!”

Imagine my surprise earlier this morning heading over to tWWL for Gary “Actually, I’m Not Andy Rooney” Horton’s weekly AFL Power Rankings, and low and behold, he also had a diatribe similar to my own (but with less swears and contemporary references to a heliocentric universe) regarding the pitiful state of the AFL’s playoff setup. What we BOTH advocate: admission by overall record first! No losing-record teams in the playoffs! Turn down that hipster music!

Also, before the jump to Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fight, more photographic evidence that Utah QB Joe Germaine always looks the same.

Okay, this is just starting to get strange. Like that Lindsay Lohan compilation.

Who Has the Inside Track To The Virgin Bowl XXII? And Where’d That Reference Come From?

If you were worried about Mitsubishi’s commanding lead in the Race To Name Everything Related To the Arena Football League, a challenger approaches: Virgin Mobile! The league entered into a partnership that includes calling the Arena Bowl “Virgin Mobile Arena Bowl XXII,” hereafter referred to as “The Virgin Bowl.” Because I am 12.

That said: who’s going to the playoffs? Who did what last week? What the flying ass happened last weekend. All that, and less, after the page break.

“Someone, Get Me a Helmet! Quickly!”

Apparently, in the correct circumstances, the AFL is so fan-friendly that one can simply walk off the street and be invited on to the team. Joe O’Donnell, a friend of the Chicago Rush’s John Moyer, was attending the game with his wife when Paul Edinger got a bit of a groin tweak during pre-game. Faced with the prospect of having no kicker and embarrassingly being forced to deliver the ball to the other team by yelling “Waaaaarning: kickoff!” and throwing the ball downfield, Chicago mustered an impressment gang, who were instructed to roam the stands for able-bodied kickers (much to the dismay of James Madison, but to the ultimate delight of O’Donnell). With merely 15 minutes available between the injury and roster submission deadline, the Rush did what any right-thinking team would do: they provided “shoes, shorts, T-shirt and an emergency tryout,” and I hope ultimately a helmet and pads, but what do I know?

O’Donnell went 5/7 on extra points making him – a kicker who last kicked an oblong spheroid through ordinary-sized uprights in 2004 while trying out for the Chicago Bears – not tremendous, but certainly serviceable. The bad news, of course, is that he missed his first and last extra points in a 50-47 loss, and kicked the final onside kick directly to Troy Bergeron. Troy Bergeron doesn’t know how to make mistakes on the hands team. He’s heard of these “mistakes,” oh, yes, but he has no context in which to put the content, so the idea of error is meaningless.

Which is really a damn shame, because you know that if it came down to a field goal to tie, and this guy made it, Disney would have bought the rights to the story on the spot. (Note: Joe – prepare to take dictation. We shall call it… THE LONLIEST GYPSY KICKER.)

In any event, bravo, Joe O’Donnell: to kick 5 extra points cold in a professional game means you have some serious intestinal fortitude, friend. Ice water in the veins. A large set of cojones. ONIONS.

[Thanks, in part, to Sam, who insisted I make note of this in a timely fashion.]

Week 15 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights: the 2008 American Conference Race to the Bottom

Quality defensive play.

The Mitsubish American Conference Presented by Mitsubishi is a disgrace brought to you by Mitsubishi. Playoff-bound Chicago, San Jose, and (gasp!) Arizona have respectable records at 10-4, 9-5, and 8-6 respectively; whereas the remaining five teams in the conference are being led by Utah at 5-10. Luckily for Chicago, San Jose, and Arizona, inter-league play is pretty damned common in the AFL so they’re not automatically boned in the postseason like an NFC team is against an AFC team (except, of course, for that glorious Super Bowl we had this past winter). A plea to Commissioner Hagrid – aside from not leaving for the stupidface Pac-10 – is to grant playoff spots based solely on record, as our beloved Tampa Bay Storm will most likely miss the playoffs with (hopefully) a winning record, yet several American Conference teams with twice as many losses as victories will be invited to parade their craptacular ineptitude on a national stage.

Grumble grumble grumble, I’m more cantankerous than Gary “You Woke Me From My Nap For THIS?” Horton and his weekly Power Rankings, and my Can’t Miss Random Pick and Pillow Fight this week are sponsored by Spite.

Bugger Off, Pac-10 Commissioner Search

On Tuesday, Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen announced that July 1, 2009 would be his final day at the helm of the conference. We said, and I quote, “What? Who? Whatever.” Because we are Big Ten apologists above all else, and therefore harbor a deep-seated jealousy towards the Pac-10 for their weather, girls, ostensibly laid-back attitude, and bazillion NCAA championships. Also, we don’t pay attention to “rumors,” “news,” or “facts.” But when you suggest that perhaps our favorite motile mountain of a commissioner would be a good fit for the opening, why, our hackles get raised. He’s ours, Pac-10, and we like him, because he can palm my head like ordinary people might a grapefruit. Also, he’s made great strides towards make the Arena Football League notable, and quite nearly relevant. But most of all, he legitimately cares about the goofy league with the crazy rules, and genuinely seems to have fun with his job.

He’s not an evil gnome, employed despite global revulsion and incompetence that nearly killed his sport (Gary Bettman). He’s not a megalomaniac who, when confronted with bad news, essentially sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “Woo! Woo! Can’t hear you! Train coming through!” (David Stern, who I am convinced is the guy who hisses into his phone to fake a bad connection, or drops syllables and claims that “there’s someone on the other line.”) He’s not a combination of the two, with the exception that – by the grace of God and rampant drug use – his sport managed to not get hooked up to life support. (Buuuuuud Selig!) And he’s not a power-mad autocrat who thinks he’s Zeus. (Roger Goodell, who I actually kind of like.) He’s our friend! So, take a hike, Pac-10.

The (Now Bi-Weekly) “Weekend” In “Review”

Two references in one picture! (A) The Soul remain in the conference driver’s seat, beating the bejabers of Dallas this week, and (B) The plot of an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode this coming season revolves around two of the characters attempting to purchase the team from Jon Bon Jovi. I assume hilarity ensues. On to the scores, facts, and outright fabrications!

Philadelphia 71, DALLAS 64

The 11-3 Soul move into a tie with Dallas for the conference lead, but – thanks to the season sweep of the Desperados – own the tiebreaker. Tony Graziani was re-activated from IR before the game, got the start, and was INSTANTLY concussed, and Matt D’Orazio finished the game at quarterback. IS THIS THE END FOR OUR WELL-COIFFED HERO? STAY TUNED! Chris Jackson continued to make himself useful, scoring 6 times for Philadelphia. Think About It: Philadelphia celebrates things like The Constitution and Benjamin Franklin. Dallas celebrates things like jackets with fringe and drilling for dead animals that make your car go. What Does That Have To Do With Anything: Hell if I know.

MORE

Jerry Jones is not answering his phone

Ten seconds from steam shooting from his ear canals.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

CLICK BEEEEP

Hello, you’ve reached the office of Jerry Jones, Football Mastermind of the Dallas Cowboys and Desperados. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now, but if you leave a message after the tone I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. If you’re one of my players looking for bail money, please dial 0 for the operator.

BEEP

Hey, Jerry, it’s Jon again. Just wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing. I know how seriously you take these things, and I don’t want you to get too down in the dumps. Think about your blood pressure.

So, yeah… I’m on tour in Europe right now, but I’ll be playing Madison Square Garden next month. You want some tickets? The All American Rejects are playing too, maybe that’ll make you feel better?

Come on, Jerry, pick up the phone.

It’s no fun kicking your ass twice a year in this rivalry if you’re going to be a little bitch about it. Get over it, man. Call me.

CLICK BEEP

[Jerry stares vacantly at phone as dried Cherry Garcia flakes off two-day stubble]

Week 14 Power Rankings, Picks, and Pillow Fights

Shockingly, the sun hasn’t set on LA’s 4-9 season yet.

The playoffs are starting to shape up: Chicago already clinched a week-one bye; Dallas, Philly, San Jose, and (you’re reading this right) Arizona have all clinched playoff berths. That means pretty much everyone else still has a shot, which is kind of a slap in the face to the National Conference’s 8-win teams (Georgia, New Orleans, and Orlando) and 7-win teams (Cleveland and New York) (Tampa Bay hovers at 6 wins… for now?) since the remaining American Conference teams that have yet to clinch a spot in the playoffs, but are still eligible, are at 3, maybe 4 wins on the season (looking at you, LA, Utah, Colorado, Grand Rapids, and Kansas City).

Wow, Run-On-Sentences much?

Anyhow, there’s quite a bit at stake this week for all the teams on the bubble, as one of my camp directors used to say, “go big or go home”. After the jump, we have this week’s Power Rankings from ESPN’s Grampa “Find An Intern to Write This Damn Thing For Me” Gary Horton; arena football betting advice fit for an emperor with no clothes, and a sneak peek at this weeks’ certifiable Pillow Fight.

BREAKING: Paul Edinger re-signs with Rush

Apparently disoriented after his original exit from the Allstate Arena, Edinger, with his back positioned to the door that almost hit him on the way out, re-entered the facility with equalled accuracy just in time for the Rush’s playoff run.

According to Edinger,

“It’s all fun,” he said. “If anything, [the narrow goal posts] can’t help but improve my accuracy. And I just want to play. It’s still kicking a football and that’s what I really love doing.”

So much so that he apparently ditched his wife at their new Costa Rica home to get back to Chicago. That tag is there for a reason, kids.

Hat-tip to our buddy Sam for the lead.