There you go, your CPR picture. This is before the “corpse” is slapped away, as you do when you fail as an EMT.
This may be irregular, as I usually leave our comments sections alone, because I don’t feel like I need another medium in which to look like a ninny, but the last two days have brought some really trenchant commentary that I’d like to mention. I’ll incorporate them into the Weekend in Review blurbs, so get reading. We’ll start with…
Chicago 49, KANSAS CITY 42
JCompton says that Kansas City “isn’t really all that bad. They just aren’t good enough to beat the teams they’re playing,” which is sufficiently bad, but in fairness, may not fall under the category of “really frickin’” bad. They’re better than, say, Utah, certainly, and D. Bryant has now a couple good games in a row, so perhaps they’re on the upswing, but they couldn’t hang with a quasi-depleted Rush team. Michna is competent, but no Bonner (or D’Orazio, for that matter), and for some reason Jeremy Unertl forgot how to cover wide receivers consistently. And I didn’t see Captain Brigade! I’ll look again, but I’m sorry I missed the belly bomb. We’re going to get the clips of the officials’ conferences as soon as I get my hands on the gadget that lets me rip footage off the TiVo
Arizona 63, TAMPA BAY 62
As Momma Dietz mentioned, Brett’s getting his stats. For whatever reason, they’re just not winning the shootouts they won last year. An unfortunate (for the Storm) recovery of a ball off the net, and the inability to stop the two-point conversion with three seconds left were the difference. Credit where credit is due: the two-point conversion involved a little trickeration, which was a gutsy call on Kevin Guy’s part. Meanwhile, LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] may actually know what he’s doing for Arizona (hint: throw the ball to Siaha Burley), and if he can minimize mistakes against New Orleans’ ball-hawking defense and/or out-gun a shaky Georgia team, the Rattlers not only have a reasonable chance of making good on their playoff promise, but they’ll help out the struggling Storm. By virtue of being .500, Arizona is leading their division, which: eeeeegh… Oh, and one more thing to The Lady Dietz: thanks for not minding the swearing, ma’am.
NEW YORK 62, Columbus 44
The Dragons are the team that most obviously lives and dies with their quarterback play. Aaron Garcia showed why he remains one of the most respected elder statesmen in the league, going 27-37 with 8 touchdowns. Columbus is playing like they played at the worst of times last year, which is one of the reasons we created the “Holy Crap, this team is STILL in the playoffs?” tag. I guess that just goes to show that anything can happen, but… life looks rough for Matt Nagy and the Destroyers, no matter how classy of a beard he’s capable of growing.
Orlando 75, GRAND RAPIDS 56
So, can we assume Grand Rapids use up all their points three weeks ago? And that perhaps Jay cut off Jon Gruden’s head and received his Quickening? Orlando looked scaaaary in this one, particularly with 2 defensive touchdowns and one special teams score. Grand Rapids was 1-5 on third downs, and that’s a curious stat, because it brings into question the playcalling as much as it does the execution. “Wiki-ready” miscreant T.T. Tolliver had another sturdy game, and continues to lead the AFL in receiving yards, and is top-three in receiving touchdowns
LOS ANGELES 79, Utah 62
Broken record time: Utah scores many points! Utah comprehensively fails to stop opponent from scoring! The Avengers scored the most points they’ve scored this season, following in the tradition of Georgia, not Philadelphia, (almost) Columbus, Orlando until this week, Cleveland, and Arizona (tie). My point (distressingly semi-countered by pesky “facts”) is that teams are offensively so-so until they play the Blaze, whereupon they become Zeus, flinging lightning bolts into the end zone, and having offensive lines that JFK could stand on and claim that he’s “Ein Berliner” (a donut). Tim Hicks started his second game for LA, and prompted coach Ed Hodgkiss to say, “What’s exciting about Hicks is that he makes plays that aren’t drawn up,” which warms the cockles of my heart that believe that the AFL is backyard football writ large. On the other hand, I’m not sure I completely understand what that means.
Philadelphia 58, SAN JOSE 57
Two-point conversions screw another of our pre-season favorites, as Philadelphia managed to edge San Jose with 10 seconds left. Maybe Tony Graziani’ll be back next week, but this week he was scratched because he liked the way his hair looked so much, he wanted to spend one more week on the bench looking cool. Mark Grieb and his laser vision came on strong and spotted the SaberCats to a 20-0 lead, but D’Orazio and the Soul stormed back. So, thank God, we’re still on track for a Philly/Dallas BATTLE OF UNBEATENS!
DALLAS 55, New Orleans 44
DID I MENTION THE POSSIBLE BATTLE OF UNBEATENS?!? AAAAAAHHH! WOO! Okay, that was fun. Um, other than that, New Orleans played scrappily, and actually had a lead, which would’ve been inconceivable last year. So, yes, this game happened. Pettis, Wimprine, Dr. Dolezel, etc. played, and had stats, and blah blah blah, nothing bizarre happened, I don’t know what to say, can I move on? Dallas is 7-0! They play Philadelphia soon, and they ALSO haven’t lost yet! IT’S CA-RAAAZAY!
COLORADO 69, Cleveland 66
John Elway outdueled Bernie Kosar… wait, no… that’s just what the AFL would like you to think, because John Dutton and Raymond Philyaw are less well-known than Kosar and Elway. Those sneaky bastards. Though we would be remiss if we ignored the fact that Dutton was 33-48 for 415 frickin’ yards. Did you know that Kosar and Elway own these teams? And that they were quarterbacks in the NFL? No? Really? Well, you should.