Can you imagine the damage this man would do on a small field? The horror, the horror!
Defense was the word of the weekend in the Arena League. April fool’s! For real! New Orleans won on the strength of their cornerbacks, Chicago shut down Arizona, Dallas triumphed with a safety, and San Jose held the Brigade to under 40 points. We’re going for really impossible-to-pull-off ideas this week, so let’s see how much we can cram into RHYMING! COUPLET! RECAPS!
Click through if you want bad poetry. Or even if you don’t. It’s all we have today.
CHICAGO 59, Arizona 35
Chicago’s D rubbed salt into the wound/
Of Bonner’s vic’try o’er his previous team.
For your sake, Fez, we hope it’s rather soon/
That Smoker’ll clinch the freebie ticket scheme.
PHILADELPHIA 59, Tampa Bay 51
Brett’s gaudy stats don’t show what we all know:
The Storm are weaker than their single parts.
The Soul can win with Graz. or D’Orazio,
Without a stop, it’s moot if Dietz throws darts.
San Jose 44, KANSAS CITY 36
A twenty-zip run in the third and fourth stanzas/
(Finally, aid from San Jose’s defense)
Provided the dagger f0r the execreble Kansans.
(I switched things up for this poem’s pretense!)
Orlando 47, COLUMBUS 44
Hew, look: two teams with an opposing plan.
The Southern div. leader is upwardly movin’
Last year’s runner-up – o’erall! – is circling the can.
The difference in this one was the heart of The Gruden.
Georgia 70, UTAH 49
Jesus Christ, Utah blows.
GRAND RAPIDS 84, Los Angeles 59
MacPherson is fearsome, McPherson is not;
84 points is scaldingly hot.
Los Angeles’ defense was not on the loose,
This paragraph was written by Dr. Seuss.
Dallas 33, NEW YORK 31
The coolest way to ever win a game
Is CLEARly the way the ‘Rados brought this home
Chris Sanders and the Dragons were both lame
But – oh, fuck the meter and the poetry thing – Weatherington blocked a field goal out of the back of the end zone for a safety. (Then Dallas hung on for two more minutes. Whatever.)
Oh, crap, it’s come to my attention that I forgot…
New Orleans 54, COLORADO 51
John Dutton driving, victory in sight
When THE off-season pickup, Lin-J Shell,
He put a stop to Colorado’s fight
And still the Crush remain there in the cell
(-ar.)
(If not for Kansas City.)
(Dammit.)
Georgia-Utah recap: +1,000