Philly wins in blowout; VooDoo woo NY Times?

Dear God, grant us the strength to hold this pose for the NY Times photographer.

For anyone interested, the New York Times (”All the News That’s Fit To Print Online Which Technically Isn’t Printing But We Use the Word in the Sense of ‘Publishing’ but Hell if We Change Our Motto”) website is running a front page, above the ‘fold’ (”All the News ah Eff It You Get the Joke”) story about Danny Wimprine and the surging New Orleans VooDoo. Central thesis: Danny Wimprine is a really nice guy (like other AFL QBs we know and love), New York doesn’t have an arena football team so far as they know, New Orleans is still rebuilding (who knew?).

Also, last night’s Game of Unbeatens wasn’t nearly as close as we thought it might be, Philly laid down the smack, beating Dallas 57-28.

Dallas Desperadoes owner Jerry Jones was reached for comment:

Joooooooooooooon [Bon Jovi]!

Unbeaten teams! Monday Night (Arena) Football! Point/Counterpoint! Dallas at Philly!

Better stand tall when they’re calling you out. Don’t bend, don’t break baby, don’t back down.

BY FAR THE MOST INTERESTING GAME THIS YEAR…

Two unbeaten football teams… playing each other! The novelty!

APPARENTLY THERE IS SOME SORT OF RIVALRY…

Remember last year when Graziani’s shoulder was separated? And then ESPN played the clip from every conceivable angle five times a game? And what Graziani sounded like when getting blindsided (kind of like a cow being buried under sacks of government-subsidized potatoes)?

DID WE MENTION THESE TEAMS ARE BOTH UNBEATEN?

This is kind of a selling point to snag some viewers tonight (8pm E, ESPN2/ESPN360.com)!

POINT/COUNTERPOINT AFTER THE JUMP!

Even though TC is currently in rehearsal!

Semi-Breaking: Young Hagrid Drafted By Falcons

Commissioner David Baker’s son, Sam Baker, a left tackle late of USC, was drafted on Saturday by the Atlanta Falcons. Prior to 2007, he was projected as possibly a top-10 pick, but, sadly, had an underwhelming 2007 season allowing him to drop to 21. Where the Falcons gleefully snatched him up.

Based on his lineage, you’d expect him to look like this:

or this:

or even this:

You’re close. Main difference: he’s a ginger kid. But, yes, he’s scaaaary.

I heard he put his opponent’s wife’s hand into a jar of acid… at a party.

A Game? Tonight? That’s Important? NO WAY.

Hey, Joe’s moving, and I’m trying to create a cohesive lighting design out of, like, mold and Edison’s first light bulb, and stray electrons that wander into the room, so, generally, we suck, but: WATCH THE DAMN-HELL-ASS GAME TONIGHT! We fully intend to point-counterpoint and whatnot, so, there’s that. But!

Graziani’s hair D’Orazio’s magic back and grit! Dr. Dolezel’s prowess, sexual and otherwise! Will Dallas be pulled offsides by Graziani’s hard count? [Update: No. The bastard still isn't playing. Also, I'm an idiot for not knowing that.] Will Philly’s defense harass the unflappable Professor? (This quarter he tought a course on Playcalling Out of Spite! “You there, Sandy! Run directly at that large angry man!”) Will Will Pettis… hee: I just wrote “Will Will!”

ANYWAY. All these storylines and probably more… TONIGHT! ESPN2!

Oh, P.S. HOLY SHIT THEY’RE BOTH UNDEFEATED! DID YOU KNOW? IT’S FUCKING NUTS! AAAAAH! [Runs around in tiny circles.]

Week 9 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Weekend Pillow Fight: Let’s get meta!

Coming up with fresh ideas is tough, just ask Brett Ratner. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this nugget by Neal Pollack on Slate regarding things such as weekly power rankings, mock drafts, and MVP races being signs of lazy sports writing (ironically, similar points have been made on Slate in the past) and overall detrimental to the appreciation of sporting in general. Fair enough. Then, yesterday KSK’s Big Daddy Drew posted an NFL draft preview on Deadspin that suggested anyone bemoaning the surplus of mock drafts can, in his parlance, choke on a dick. Fair enough.

Both articles made me further question qualms I’ve had about my weekly riffing on the occasionally disjointed Gary Horton AFL ramblings from the WWL, and gave me an idea to keep this feature fresh.

Maybe next week.

Weekend in Review: We Continue to Have No Excuses

We wanted to take the time to make sure that our analysis would be as in-depth and accurate as you, the reader, have come to expect. No, that’s a lie. We apparently simply couldn’t be buggered to reflect on the week’s AFL news, during which we actually watched some games and stuff.

Also, we’re going to combine a little serious information in this post: Week 9 of the season is “V Week,” where the Arena League and ESPN are combining to raise money and whatnot for cancer research. If you want to donate, the number is 800-4JIMMYV and you can hit the V Foundation’s website at www.jimmyv.org.

Okay, that was serious. Now for vaguely funny stuff you already know! WITH GREAT SPEED! And total inaccuracy!

Cleveland 83, LOS ANGELES 69

The Gladiators took advantage of a little-known rule where, if they solve a sequence of puzzles, not only do they get to move their away game to the Isle of Myst, they also get to play with rocket shoes.

Orlando 65, GEORGIA 62

Wait, the Predators and the VooDoo lead the South? Bullshit. I don’t believe in this season. As you may have gathered by how blatantly I’m phoning this post in. I regret everything, and will make it up to the planet with my mid-season reviews. Oh, the game? Very exciting. Blocked field goal to seal it. Jay Gruden broke Shane Stafford’s leg with a tire-iron, and Stafford was replaced by Kofi Annan:

KANSAS CITY 55, Colorado 53

Brigade win! Brigade win! John Dutton and Kristy Lee Cook both lose! Colorado had a chance at it, but couldn’t successfully score on the two-point conversion. Also, I just learned that Kansas City is sponsored by Southwest, so I assume that their uniforms will become that funky orange and red color combo, and they can retain the blue. I tried to mock this up but it looks so bad.

New Orleans 60, ARIZONA 36

New Orleans forced turnovers! [Gasp!] Arizona might have to give away season tickets! [Gasp!] LANG CAMPBELL [Dramatic Chord] isn’t going to get the job done, but might it actually be… his evil twin?

San Jose 61, UTAH 40

Did you know Darren Arbet was sitting on 99 victories until last night? And did you also know that when you are struggling, you ought to play Utah? Because you will most assuredly win! 100 victories for Glorious Leader Arbet! He was reported to smile after the game, but this is unconfirmed.

New York Dragons 66, TAMPA BAY 47

Brett Dietz needs to not turn the ball over. Brett Dietz has a charming family. Brett Dietz throws for many yards and many touchdowns. Sadly, Brett Dietz had two interceptions, a lost fumble, and a safety. Brett Dietz would like some line help, please. Apparently, Tim Marcum was on the phone this week, hiring and firing, including picking up Monty Montgomery. Whose name places him among my favorite players, and I like to imagine that the meeting between he and Dietz will look something like this:

When asked for comment, Montgomery responded by throwing down his pencil and exclaiming “Damn!”

CHICAGO 55, Grand Rapids 52

With Sherdrick Bonner out due to a knee injury, Russ Michna captained the Rush to a victory over a scrappy Grand Rapids team that wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately for the Rampage, the goblin giving instructions to the coaching staff shrieked “GO FOR THE WIN, EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEH!” instead of letting Brian Gowins kick for the tie on Northwestern Alumni Outing Night That Joe and I Didn’t Go To Because We’re Idiots.

Week 7 Power Rankings, CMRP, and Pillow Fights: JM is in training right now!

I’m at Excel training right now! Time for some good ol’ fashion blogging! Grampa Gary, you’re getting roasted in bold after the jump!

From The Rules Broadcast

A couple of days late, I know, but nevertheless, we promised clips of referees talking about things, and we shall deliver!

First, a grab of the “Madden ‘98″ graphics I was referring to:

Throwbacks! As for the rest, well, there’s the old saying that there are two things you’re better off not knowing how they’re made: sausage and laws. We can add “sorting out complicated officiating infractions” to that list once I figure out how to make it pithier. Enjoy:

My favorite part is the bit where they show the stands from just behind the referee. The Kansas City fans do not look happy, and it makes me not want his job. If you were curious about the guy in the brown suit jacket who is irate at the end of the clip, it’s owner Neil Smith, who, we’re happy to say, watches from the stands.

We also get a clarification on what sorts of celebrations are okay, and what aren’t. I’m with Ray and Bob: that line’s pretty arbitrary.

“You can pump all night,” indeed…

CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT: this is why you proof-read and occasionally research

The masses have spoken: this is likely not Jim Thome’s car. Of course, when writing the post in my brain last Friday, it was a little heavier on the “this could easily not be Jim Thome’s car” and lighter on the “this is the car of Jim Thome and the back of that guys’ head moderately resembles the back of Jim Thome’s head”.

Ironically, a Google of “Jim Thome License Plate” brought up his JockBio, which states his vanity plate of choice is “25 DBTH” for his jersey number and “Don’t Believe the Hype”.

So, “Don’t Believe the Hype” where ‘the’ is ‘my’ - JM most likely did not tailgate and surreptitiously (read: painfully obviously) photograph Jim Thome and his car for the masses.

Anywho - how ’bout them Soul?

CERTIFIED IRRELEVANT: White Sox players and their license plates

Question: if you were a prominent professional athlete, would you prefer to keep some anonymity or flaunt it to every maniac traversing down the Kennedy?

Apparently, White Sox DH Jim Thome says ‘if you got it, flaunt it’, as JM, traveling home from work on the inbound Kennedy last Friday afternoon, found himself traveling behind this:

Yup, that’s a white Pontiac Vibe with Sox and Under Armor decals in the windows and a World Champion license plate cover. Although I couldn’t get a real good look, it seemed to be Thome at the helm, slugging through almost-rush-hour traffic like so many home runs.

  Apparently I caught him on the way to a frustrating evening.