What On Earth Can We Expect: The Grand Rapids Rampage

What. The. Fuck?

Facts:

• American Whatever Central The Other Thing
• Arena Bowl Championships: 1 – 2001
• Half of It’s Still Football has actually been to Van Andel Arena. For the 2001 Women’s Big Ten Basketball Tournament. So, you know … upgrade!
• Last Year’s Record: 4-12 (5th)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

BREAKING NEWS: Grand Rapids relocates to Screwsville! I have now spent the better part of an episode of Furturama trying to think of something positive to say about Grand Rapids, or even something remarkably bad. You can call it a rebuilding year, if you want, Grand Rapids denizens. If that makes you feel better. Ugh.

Bullet Points About People:

• The Adrian McPherson Experience continues, despite all odds and logic.
• For sake of convenience, backup QB James MacPherson will just drop the “a” in his last name. I hope. Desperately.
• Hey, it’s Brian Gowins! Kicker for the 1996 Rose Bowl Participating Northwestern Wildcats! And a snappy dresser!
• [Something pleasant about new coach Steve Thonn]

The Good:

Steve Thonn was Georgia’s offensive coordinator, and Georgia put up numbers, so the future can be bright. McPherson could be fertile comedy ground.

The Bad:

The defense isn’t any better, and McPherson is wildly erratic. MacPherson is untested.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

5-11, with a strong likelihood of playing the role of slumpbuster for a number of teams.

Enjoy the new season!

We here at ISF wish you all the best enjoyment from the coming 2008 season. To kick things off for the weekend, please enjoy this delightful little video from the end of Arena Bowl XXI. I was going to ask Mike Golic if he approved of this potential 2K8 All Pro Football defensive line: Deacon Jones, Too Tall Jones, and the Mikes: Golic and a created avatar of Greenberg, calling it the “Three Horsemen and the One Pony of the Apocalypse”. I didn’t get the chance, but this isn’t too bad a trade-off.

NutriSystem in action!

We have no idea what the coming season holds, but rest assured we’ll be here sifting through the silliness with you. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

By the way, to review our complete (and as of yet still-continuing) team-by-team preseason analysis, you can try your luck surfing our tags (TC and JM), or just start your ass scrolling.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The New Orleans VooDoo

One Fleur-de-Lis for each time I flashed my chest for beads when we were in N’awlins.

Facts:

• National Conference, Southern Division
• 2007 record: 5-11; Arena Bowl championships – see alternate universe
• Nightmarish mascot “Bones” balanced by Muppet-ish/Phanatic-esqe “Mojo”
• Head Coach Mike Neu is a free agency mad genius

Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Time to be perfectly honest – most of the previews I’ve handled have been a cursory look at last year’s performance and any significant roster changes. Looking over this season’s roster, though, I am slack-jawed: Neu made some serious acquisitions on both sides of the ball, and I daresay that this New Orleans team I wouldn’t have noticed last season could be dangerous this year, even in a tough division with Georgia, Tampa Bay, and Orlando. If they’re this year’s Tampa Bay, I will gladly tell you I told you so.

Bullet Points About People:

• Newcomers WR/DB BJ Barre, DB Lin-J Shell, and WR Chris Horn (who seems to be in some NFL squad’s team every preseason) scheduled to go on team-building retreat in Louisiana outback
• Head coach Mike Neu’s main office located in abandoned oil platform in Caribbean that’s being upgraded into a Super Doom Fortress using FEMA debit cards
• QB Steve Bellisari nagging Tony Graziani to have an “Italian Off”; challenges to include recalling Dean Martin lyrics and naming as many salami varieties as possible in 20 seconds

The Good:

New additions to the team. Relative unknown QB Bellisari. Kicker Jonathan Ruffin won the Lou Groza award at Cincy. Red beans and rice.

The Bad:

Tempting nights out on Bourbon Street. Tough division. Overall lack of experience. Possibility of bad Mojo.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

The VooDoo rebound from a disappointing 2007 season with an 8-8 record because I’m not that confident in my sleeper pick. Mike Neu takes over New Orleans with a genetically-enhanced voodoo lady that shakes her stick and drives you crazy with that BOOGIE. BOOGIE. BOOGIE.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Philadelphia Soul

The City of Brotherly Love loves guys in suits, so long as the suit isn’t red and the guy is Santa Claus.

Facts:

• National Conference, Eastern Division
• 8-8 in 2007, lost in the divisional round to forceful Georgia
• Celebrity owners Jon Bon Jovi and Ronnie “Jaws” Jaworski made it to half of the home games Tony Graziani wasn’t injured
• If you watched any of ESPN’s coverage of anyAFL game last season, you may have heard that Jon Bon Jovi and Ron Jaworski were co-owners of the Soul

Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

The Philadelphia Soul with a healthy Tony Graziani: tasty. The Soul with an injured Tony Graziani: salty. His new backup, former Rush starter Matt D’Orazio, is not invincible, but perhaps a little more experienced than the Soul’s previous interim QB, Juston “SLING IT” Wood. Bret Munsey is as good as any head coach in the AFL, although if absolutely necessary, we’re sure either TC or myself could put on some headphones and tell the fastest WR to go deep. Despite losing some key players in the off season (see: Dwayne Missouri), the Soul are still a better team than last year’s record would make you think. This years’ team should be just as feisty on offense and stout on D.

Bullet Points About People:

• Given his hard count, Tony Graziani might struggle in the real world
• FB/LB Wes Ours will literally devour the competition
• Former standout Georgia Force WR Chris Jackson has the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man

The Good:

Healthy southpaw Graziani. The return of rumblin’ bumblin’ stumblin’ Wes Ours. The addition of Chris Jackson. Celebrity owners helping attract fans. Soul food is fucking delicious.

The Bad:

Losing Dwayne Missouri. Graziani’s accuracy when he’s pressured or dislocates his shoulder. A division with Dallas, Columbus, New York, and Cleveland. Ronnie Jaws in Bermuda shorts. Soul food will fucking kill you.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Soul go 10-6, lose to Georgia in second round. Jon Bon Jovi gets a lifetime achievement Grammy. Jaws and Graziani open a deli and option rights for a sitcom.