What On Earth Can We Expect: The Orlando Predators

Did these guys care Orlando wasn’t in the Arena Bowl? Hell to the naw.

Facts:

• National Conference, Southern Division
• 2007 record: 8-8, good enough for a wild card berth and first round loss to Philly
• We’re not sure you were aware, but the Predators’ head coach is directly related to Tampa Bay Bucs coach Jon Gruden
• You’re not staring too hard at the monitor, those guys designed their helmets with light-up eyes
• If you stay too long after games end at Amway Arena, you’ll get deceived into selling paper goods to your neighbors part time
• Wikipedia title entry “Predatorial Highlights” is not only a grammatic nightmare, but a working title for an upcoming Chris Hansen clip show

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/SuspenseDelight:

What the hell are we supposed to make of the Predators? They have been in the playoffs EVERY YEAR SINCE 1992. The only year they haven’t been in the playoffs was their inaugural season in 1991. Not a bad record to have, but I’ll be damned if every time we watched them on ESPN last season Shane Stafford didn’t find a way to throw a bone-headed interception late in the game and Other Gruden stared vacantly into space thinking about his next Vodka/Red Bull. I can’t see them being dominant this year, but at the same time, they aren’t doormats. They’re like The Strokes, or chicken flautas - just okay.

Bullet Points About People:

• 11 of this years’ Predators are rookies. We’re sure that’ll be just fine.
• There is no way we’ll make Coach Gruden regret this feature.
• DB Damon Mason’s official height is listed at 5′ 9″, which means in reality, he is about as tall as the ‘D’ at the beginning of this sentence.
• We’re sure FB/LB Marlon Moye-Moore has never been referred to as “3M”.

The Good:

Shane Stafford in the first three quarters. WR TT Toliver. Sure wins against New Orleans VooDoo. More Florida oranges.

The Bad:

Shane Stafford in the fourth quarter. ESPN broadcasts. Tampa Bay and Georgia in the same division. The Gruden Face.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Finish 9-7, again devoured by the Soul in the playoffs. Other Gruden mails us a bag of dog poo and tells us he’s had enough of our shenanigans. Those mask guys take another trip to N’awlins.