What On Earth Can We Expect: The Orlando Predators

Did these guys care Orlando wasn’t in the Arena Bowl? Hell to the naw.

Facts:

• National Conference, Southern Division
• 2007 record: 8-8, good enough for a wild card berth and first round loss to Philly
• We’re not sure you were aware, but the Predators’ head coach is directly related to Tampa Bay Bucs coach Jon Gruden
• You’re not staring too hard at the monitor, those guys designed their helmets with light-up eyes
• If you stay too long after games end at Amway Arena, you’ll get deceived into selling paper goods to your neighbors part time
• Wikipedia title entry “Predatorial Highlights” is not only a grammatic nightmare, but a working title for an upcoming Chris Hansen clip show

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/SuspenseDelight:

What the hell are we supposed to make of the Predators? They have been in the playoffs EVERY YEAR SINCE 1992. The only year they haven’t been in the playoffs was their inaugural season in 1991. Not a bad record to have, but I’ll be damned if every time we watched them on ESPN last season Shane Stafford didn’t find a way to throw a bone-headed interception late in the game and Other Gruden stared vacantly into space thinking about his next Vodka/Red Bull. I can’t see them being dominant this year, but at the same time, they aren’t doormats. They’re like The Strokes, or chicken flautas - just okay.

Bullet Points About People:

• 11 of this years’ Predators are rookies. We’re sure that’ll be just fine.
• There is no way we’ll make Coach Gruden regret this feature.
• DB Damon Mason’s official height is listed at 5′ 9″, which means in reality, he is about as tall as the ‘D’ at the beginning of this sentence.
• We’re sure FB/LB Marlon Moye-Moore has never been referred to as “3M”.

The Good:

Shane Stafford in the first three quarters. WR TT Toliver. Sure wins against New Orleans VooDoo. More Florida oranges.

The Bad:

Shane Stafford in the fourth quarter. ESPN broadcasts. Tampa Bay and Georgia in the same division. The Gruden Face.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Finish 9-7, again devoured by the Soul in the playoffs. Other Gruden mails us a bag of dog poo and tells us he’s had enough of our shenanigans. Those mask guys take another trip to N’awlins.

What On Earth Can We Expect: San Jose SaberCats

Close, but no cigar.

Facts:

• American Conference, Western Division
• Reigning Arena Bowl XXI Champions, overall 2007 record 13-3
• If you make a joke to Mark Grieb’s dad in the aftermath of the Arena Bowl about how his MVP son is using his degree in biochemistry from UC Davis and Masters in Education from Stanford in a very unconventional way, Mark Grieb’s dad will think you are a total asshat

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Count on more delight from the SaberCats in 2008. Long the favorite of TC, San Jose has a dapper head coach in Darren Arbet that’s able to get a lot out of his players, most notably, the aforementioned Absurdly Well-Educated Mark Grieb. Did TC and I really have a say in his MVP status in Arena Bowl XXI? That can’t actually be true [ed. note: it actually is]. Although San Jose lost a lot of talent in the offseason to trades and returning only a third of 2007’s squad to the roster, the roster does include Grieb, veteran WR James Roe, and WR/DB Jason “Rock You Like a Hurricane (alum)” Geathers. Could they pull a repeat? They have as good a chance as any as heading to New Orleans in July, but we’ll see for sure. Something you can take all the way to the bank, though, is the SaberKittens will make some horny old man think of a joke about them being welcome to their ’scratching posts’ at least once a quarter.

Bullet Points About People:

• Darren Arbet > Tony Dungy
• Blatant homerism: OL William Obeng, DB Omarr Smith, QB Scott Rislov, and DB Trestin George all attended my mother’s alma matter, San Jose State
• Grieb’s notorious Las Vegas Outlaws teammate, Rod “He Hate Me” Smart, is on the AAFL’s Team Tennessee. Relevant? Not in the slightest.

The Good:

Offense – tied with Dallas for most points scored in 2007. Even though I haven’t mentioned it, defense - #2 per points allowed. Coaching – Arbet’s won three Arena Bowls, offensive coordinator Terry Malley has been with the team since it’s inception in 1994. Dedicated rabid fan base armed with cowbells.

The Bad:

Expectations to pull a repeat. Grieb’s mobility out of the pocket could be an issue if his protection can’t handle the jack. Green and gold works, so long as they don’t go all yellow a-la Oregon State. Chicago in the playoffs.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

Will the SaberCats improve on their 13-3 record? Will they face the Rush in the conference title game yet again? Will a 2049 Error close the HP Pavilion for good?

Maybe, possibly, and no.