What On Earth Can We Expect: The Georgia Force

Back to flags. Georgia Tech is pissed about this whole flag, pretty much, right? With that dome-thing*, and the red, and the minuteman dude, right? What do they get? The color yellow? 

Facts:

• National Conference Southen Division
• I made the Georgia/Georgia Tech (unfunny) joke because of the time that they wore helmets that had a red stripe and a gold stripe to honor both universities.
• Arena Bowl Championships: 0
• Last year’s record: 14-2 (1st), lost (bafflingly) to Columbus in the championship round. (See also: Desperados, Dallas)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Sadly, unlikely to be quite as good as last year, if only because the rest of their division is so competitive. I also learned recently (3 minutes ago) that they have a new offensive coordinator. But, they were sturdy to the point of dullness. So, what have we learned? That I can’t analyze to save my damn hell ass life. It certainly doesn’t seem like there’s that big of anobstacle to overcome when you’re the league’s highest-scoring team with the guy who threw for 117 damn touchdown passes under center. So, celebrate cautiously, Georgia fans.

Bullet Points About People/Anthropomorphic Horrors:

• Perhaps you’ve heard that Chris Griesen is scrappy?
• Arthur Blank owns two football teams. This one might be able to beat his other one. Yeah, I said it.
• I cannot describe how truly bizarre Blu is. I swear we had a picture with him, but it bends space and time, and I can’t find it now.
• Dispersal draft pickup R-Kal Truluk’s full name is R-Kal K-Quan Truluk, which means “Ruler of the Lake” in Swahili. Lives in a Fortress of Solitude. I will type “Trukluk” by accident 1,049 times this season.

The Good:

They’re good! Harrison Bergeron is good! Chris Griesen is made out of space-age unbreakable material! They’re known for scoring points in a league that scores points in uncountable numbers! I haven’t heard anything bad about their defense! Will win many shootouts!

The Bad:

I’ve used up all of my exclamation points for the next 24 hours. The National Conference is stupid-good this year. Like I said, I can’t remember a damn thing about how they won 13 14 games last year. Tampa Bay is better, New Orleans can’t be as bad (right?) and Orlando still has a team. But that’s talking about other teams. I can’t think of much bad to say about Georgia. They’re like a stealth team.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, playoffs, lose to… let’s say, Tampa Bay. Seriously, the only way you can see this team is if you’re pretending to look at something else and you catch them out of the corner of your eye. It’s like hunting for salmon using only the tactics and weapons provided to bears without the advantage of being a bear.

*Okay, the dome thing is on Georgia Tech’s insignia too. Damn. I give up on making jokes.

Wait, Commissioner Hagrid Said Stuff?

(AP File Photo – David Baker vs. Gary Bettman)

Well, we completely missed this. Also, he was elsewhere on ESPN. After the jump, David Baker says stuff. Fuck off and die, ESPN video. Here’s the link. Dammit.

We also missed the chat on ESPN.com, and now it’s Insider. Your humble editors have failed you. Miserably.

What On Earth Can We Expect: The Columbus Destroyers

I don’t know why we were using flags almost exclusively. Also: if you look at the word Columbus long enough, it looks really weird.

Facts:

• National Conference, Eastern Division
• Slogan: “We believe.” As I recall, it worked really well not at all for the Kansas City Royals, so, there’s that.
• Arena Bowl Championships: none, but they made it to the game last year, despite being largely dysfunctional.
• Have a section in their Wikipedia entry entitled “Trail of Destruction.” Really.
• Last year’s record: 7-9 (3rd). Smoked by San Jose in the Arena Bowl. We were there. (This still is baffling.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

Come on. I can’t keep track of teams that don’t totally overhaul everything. Coach Walrus is gone, so who will Matt Nagy yell at during games? I don’t know! B.J. Barre, Damien Groce, and David Saunders are gone, so who will Matt Nagy throw to? We found them quite charming at the Arena Bowl (we went there!), but will the collection of randoms that replaced them be as good? (Hint: no.) What on EARTH is going on here? Do you not want to win, Columbus? Congratulations, you and Cleveland can fight for your Buckeye/Possum trophy and, by those games, determine the basement in your absurdly stacked division.

Bullet Points About People:

• Coach Doug Kay (enjoyably crochety!) even admits they fluked into the championship game. Quoth Coach Kay: “If I was naïve enough to think we were a good football team last year or as good as we need to be to compete with the better teams, then I’m stupid because we (weren’t).
• I totally stole that from the Arena League website. What can I say? I’m lazy.
• QB Matt Nagy’s a nice enough guy in real life, but the “Matt Nagy: Crankypants” tag remains my favorite thing on this website.
• Center Will Rabatin is blogging. WE WILL BURY YOU (in rhetoric), RABATIN. GET OFF OUR PATCH.
• Rookie WR Calvin Russell is a graduate of Tuskegee. Why on Earth is their mascot not the “Airmen”?

The Good:

I like the cast of characters; they amuse me. Matt Nagy is better than a fair-to-middling Arena League quarterback. Doug Kay gets more out of his players than pretty much anyone else in the league. This paragraph has been brought to you by the Ministry of Backhanded Compliments.

The Bad:

Did I mention that they’re in a division with Philly and Dallas? Who are these new receivers? Even New York is okay if Aaron Garcia stays healthy. (Which is the same thing we could say about Philly, but we’ll get to both of those teams… later.) They overachieved last year, and 100% of the AFL community that isn’t affiliated with the Columbus Destroyers or otherwise insane will agree.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

5-11. Screwsville. The loser of the Arena Bowl misses the playoffs, just like what they say about the Super Bowl.