What On Earth Can We Expect: The Colorado Crush

The longer you stare at this flag, trying to think of something funny to say about it, the more it starts to look like a scary eyeball.

Facts:

• National Conference Mitsubishi (HAI!) Central Division
• Arena Bowl Championships: 1 (2005)
• This is when you read the High Altitude Directions, as the Crush play, oh, I don’t know: a mile above sea level. Perhaps you’ve heard that Denver is that a mile high? It’s just come to my attention.
• For no discernable reason, they recently practiced outside.
• Last year’s record: 8-8 (3rd), lost to San Jose in the 2nd round.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

Coloradans, Damien Harrell is not going to be walking through that door. Whit Taylor is not going to be walking through that door. John Elway will be walking through that door, but he’ll be carrying a briefcase, slapping his blackberry like Al from Quantum Leap, and cursing. While Ben Nelson is a guy that Joe would like to cuddle with, he’s simply not the difference-maker Harrell was. The Denver Post is cautiously optimistic, but John Dutton sounds like he’s basically saying “Nothing is wrong! Look at the weapons we still have! Sticks and rocks are dangerous! Ben Nelson could be considered at least an Enfield rifle, and there were people using those well into WWI! I think!”

Bullet Points About People:

• I am legally obligated to reference this article, which talks about Charrod Taylor being on the USS Cole when it was attacked in 2000. I respect the crap out of this defensive lineman, and hope he has a brilliant career.
• Did I mention Ben Nelson is from Minnesota? And that Joe is, too? No?
• Rookie FB/LB Michael Berg is from Haaaaaaahvad. So, really make sure your heckling is suitably esoteric.
• Famous owner alert: John Elway owns the team. Grumpy people think he’s trying to turn the AFL into the NFL’s development league. Free Substitution is often referred to as “the Elway Rule.” Smile can be seen from space.

The Good:

Dutton can conceivably spread the ball around. Defense has been reasonably good, if anonymous.

The Bad:

The loss of Harrell – to a division rival, no less – is scaaaary.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

I literally have no idea whatsoever to expect from the Crush. Let’s call it… 7-9, lose in the Wild Card round to… Los Angeles? I give up.