What On Earth We Can Expect: The Chicago Rush

I was going to use the Chicago flag, and claim that the stars represent Fort Dearborn, the Columbian Exposition*, the Great Chicago Fire, and Ditka. But this logo rocks my socks consistently, and it’s a crime against design and nature that the IOC were babies about using their precious flame in the logo. I - and I am not making this up - have sat up in bed in the middle of the night furious that this logo can’t be used. DisGRACEful.

Facts:

• American Conference Western Division
• Arena Bowl Champions: 2006
• Allstate Arena/Rosemont Horizon conveniently located near really cool movie theater that I desperately want to go to.
• Last year’s record: 12-4 (1st), lost to San Jose in conference championship game.
• Ditka.

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight

This might be the team that’s helped most by the rule change that says the Jack linebacker can roam sideline to sideline. Perhaps you’ve heard of DeJuan Alfonzo? Speedy guy, hits really friggin’ hard? In fact, if memory serves, the Chicago defense as a whole seems to pride themselves on causing grievous bodily harm to opponents. (Grievous being another good middle name for Earnest Certain.) To whom it may concern: expect turnovers. In other news, the Rush have been one of the powerhouses in the conference for the past several years, and the moves they were forced to make by Matt D’Orazio’s bad back (Sherdrick Bonner) and by Bobby Sippio’s decision to make the leap to the Chiefs’ special teams (Damien Harrell) unit are pretty much the only way to have reloaded in those areas. Also, did I mention that The Alfonzo can do whatever he wants now? He can line up in the backfield. He can run onto the field from the stands. He can climb the end zone nets and fall on people from great heights. He’s allowed to be armed with a poleaxe. He can piggyback on the radio feed into the opposing QB’s helmet and sing that irritating Corrs’ song as loud as he wants.

Bullet Points About People:

• Free agent acquisition FB/LB Dan Alexander set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns with 41, and his 426 rushing yards is the second-best season total in history. He can also tell a “clean” version of ”The Aristocrats.”
• Mike Hohensee quietly upgraded to a bionic arm after his parking-lot mishap last year. Rookie Fullback Erik Arevalo has been assigned to make the neeneeNEENEENEE sound as Coach Ho moves.
• Defensive Coordinator Walt Housman is no relation to A.E. Housman, but did play him in the Arena League’s 2002 production of The Invention of Love.

The Good:

Hard-hitting defense. Damien Harrell was purported to be BETTER than Bobby Sippio by some humans. The resurgent Paul Edinger! Ditka.

The Bad:

Sherdrick Bonner may dissolve into a fine powder during the course of this year. They call him a “wily veteran,” because it’s rude to say “he’s really old.”

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

11-5, Lose to Storm in conference championship. Alfonzo wins an award. Maybe a BAFTA. I don’t know.

*Initially typed “Explosition,” which will become a word even if it means I have to get violent with some lexicographers. 

What on Earth We Can Expect: The Tampa Bay Storm

The City of Tampa flag pays homage to the Stars and Stripes, as well as the banners of Spain, France, Italy, and Great Britain; if the US forecloses on Florida and any of those countries get it on the cheap, they’ll be covered.

Facts:

• Mitsubishi National Conference, Mitsubishi Southern Division, brought to you by Mitsubishi
• Arena Bowl Champions 1991, 1993, 1995, 1996, 2003
• Most successful when uniforms were Zubaz-tic
• 2007 record: 9-7, lost in first round of playoffs to Columbus
• If I mention Brett Dietz more than three times in this post, his ghost will appear behind me in the mirror; also, I’ll be a one-trick pony

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

When TC and I started up this dog-and-pony show last year, the Storm were horrible. Abysmal. Not even worthy of comparison to the 2006 Art Shell Re-Dux Oakland Raiders. Then, (pick your lame metaphor: 1. ‘the storm clouds lifted’; 2. ‘an eye in the storm appeared’; 3. ‘the perfect storm formed’) when rookie QB Brett Dietz took over for injured Stoney Case against Columbus, leading them to a scrappy 34-32 win. The Storm went on to win seven of their last eight games of the season, and lost a nail-biter in the first round of the playoffs. This season, if they can keep the momentum built last year, LAME SAILING METAPHOR we’ll see whether the winds have shifted to Tampa Bay’s favor for the long haul /LAME SAILING METAPHOR.

Bullet Points About People:

• The QB position is under control.
• Veteran WR/LB David Saunders from the Destroyers is always a threat to go all the way to the endzone, beach, or grocery store, depending on day’s To Do list
• Rookie WR Tyrone Timmons of Mississippi Valley State never forgets to remind everyone Jerry Rice went to Mississippi Valley State
• OL/DL Earnest Certain claims there are other positions people play in football; also, name is comprised entirely of adjectives

The Good:

The offense. Sunshine. Florida oranges. More offense.

The Bad:

High expectations. Retirees on the freeway with their left turn signal on. On the Storm’s website, Earnest Certain is in the pronunciation guide, DB Khalid Naziruddin is not.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction

The Storm finish 14-2, go on to lose the Arena Bowl; JM’s head explodes.

Dietz flies around planet to reverse time, win game, save JM’s head. This also causes JM’s head to explode.