If you’re curious, there are no AFL alumni playing in the Super Bowl. Not one. Go about your business. But, after the Super Bowl, we plan on resuming course towards the AFL season (Training camps are open! Yeah, I don’t care either until after the Super Bowl), with previews and stuff. We’ll be like a methadone clinic for football.
Not a moment too soon, Tampa Bay resigned Co-Rookie of the Year, and Generally Very Good at Throwing Oblong Objects, QB Brett Dietz to a three year contract. Rumored to be worth about 250,000 total clams, there are also rumored to be certain incentives in Dietz’s new deal. Directly from his contract:
“Also, in addition to monies promised to Brett Dietz over his three years, Brett Dietz is eligible for these additional incentives should Brett Dietz accomplish the following:
For the record, if Brett Dietz scores a Flutie-esqe drop-kick field goal, you will see pictures here of me doing whatever Brett Dietz wants JM to do on the interwebs.
Hopefully it’s something along the lines of ’stuff 100 jellybeans into mouth’ or ‘rub the beard of a professional athlete‘.
Victory has been achieved! Tampa Bay locked in their award-winning QB (and Friend of The Blog) Brett Dietz for the next three years. Three years, and I’m going to say, oh, a zillion dollars. And a pony. And a guest spot on 30 Rock where he gets to date Tina Fey. Am I projecting? Yes. But, since the AFL releases information like they’re doing their best Pravda imitation, I get to pick the details.
He joins Mark Grieb (San Jose, laser vision, 1 measly year) and Joe Germaine (Utah, Peep imitation, 4 years) in the club of those who have re-upped with their teams.
Eric Crouch: A face of the All-American Football League
Hooray for more wacky football times! Livia, occasional and superb contributor to Snarkastic.com (the personal Internet empire of Holly, of Ladies… fame) snuck into the AAFL draft and found it to be a delightful Rube Goldberg device comprised of madness dressed in football uniforms. I shall excerpt, and link, for I can’t do the whole thing justice. My favorite bit:
12:23 Team Tennessee introduces their protected players. My heart breaks a little when I see Tee Martin. Tee Martin: National Championship Quarterback, Peyton’s Successor, One Of Tennessee’s Greatest Players…reduced to this. He is not smiling. I don’t blame him. Former Vols on this list include Jason Mitchell, a linebacker, and James Wilhoit, beloved kicker. I would be remiss if I did not tell you that Rod Smart, aka “He Hate Me” of Western Kentucky and the XFL is also on our protected list.
So even though they’ve just told us all that we have Tee Martin, Tennessee uses its first pick TO TAKE A FUCKING QUARTERBACK. Way to show some confidence in your man, Andy Kelly.
I wish my obituary could start with “…loving husband, devoted father, beloved kicker.” I occasionally daydream about what it would’ve been like if I tried to get on my high school’s football team (go Eagles!) as a kicker, and I now have further reason to rue the fact that I was small, relatively uncoordinated, and arty. Anyhoo, another quick gem:
1:40 The overall atmosphere is sad, desolate, and full of barely repressed fury simmering under the surface, with a healthy amount of flop sweat. From now on, I’m referring to this place as the Brady Quinn NFL Draft Experience.
1:52 Eric Crouch…how art the mighty fallen. Lethargic applause from even the most dedicated Texas fans.
I mentioned this in Holly’s comment section, but it bears repeating: I occasionally still have nightmares from the 2000 Alamo Bowl. If The Mighty Zak Kustok could be involved somehow, the circle could be complete.
Also, Chris Leak apparently won’t be competing with Kyle Orton or Rex Grossman for the Bears’ QB spot, so… yikes.
So, the All-American Football League: football, in the Spring, played on normal - collegiate! - fields without gimmicks. I’m curious to see what 2,000 fans in the Big House looks like. Vis a vis the AFL: Commissioner Hagrid could totally beat up the AAFL Board of Managers, though maybe not all at once. I figure Jack Lengyel is pretty scrappy. More football year-round is a good thing, and I don’t really think this is going to take anything away from the AFL. So, abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[If deserts had a rainy season they'd be called something else: Live from the AAFL Draft] - Snarkastic.com
Thanks, Holly and Livia.
Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland’s inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.
Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.
A questionable decision by Jim Ferraro, owner of the former Las Vegas Gladiators:
“This team has done nothing but lose money and games in Las Vegas. I’m out.
“What’s that? No, I’m not going to sell and cut my loses. I’m thinking of maybe just pulling up the ol’ stakes and relocating.
“I don’t know. Maybe a better town would be …Cleveland?”
An obviously dipshit move by Jim Ferraro, owner of the (current) Cleveland Gladiators:
“Do you, aging and greasy asswipe, take this incredibly attractive woman, Patricia Delinois, who happens to be the CEO of a major real-estate broker, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and put her before all other persons in your life - your parents, your children?*” (*actually said by presiding pastor)
“Meh. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Peace.”
Apparently he’s trying to woo her back after leaving her at the altar of an exclusive $100,000 wedding, and flowers and text messages aren’t working. Maybe if QB Jason Fife completes a Hail Mary to propel the Gladiators into the playoffs, she’ll take him back, provided he’s ready?
According to Ferraro, he thinks the story will probably have a happy ending. According to me, Ferraro should give me Patricia’s phone number. I button my shirts!
Probably not really.
Almost certainly not really.
But maybe.
Owns you.
TOKYO, JAPAN – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Our most munificent and magnificent Captain of Industry, the honorable Chairman Takashi Nishika, has announced that Mitsubishi Motors will remain the Official Motorcar of the Imperialist American Arena Football Sporting League for the 2008 season, the 20th year of the Hiesei Dynasty! ALL GLORY TO OUR MANY FAR-REACHING TENDRILS! In the interest of further expanding the Greater Asian-and-Everywhere-Else-on-Earth Sports Co-Prosperity Sphere, Mitsubishi is also pleased to announce that in addition to the Mitsubishi National Conference, Mitsubishi American Conference, and their sub-groups, the Mitsubishi Eastern, Mitsubishi Southern, Mitsubishi Central, and Mitsubishi Western Divisions. Additionally, Mitsubishi has been resplendently been granted the rights to re-name Chicago Rush quarterback Sherdrick Bonner. Henceforth, he will be known as Lancer Evolution Bonner. It is also easier to remember how to spell; so smarmy American not-journalists will not have to look it up every time. Banzai!
Additionally, when played by school children, the Arena Football League (presented enthusiastically by Mitsubishi) game will employ a pass rush wherein all defensive players must count to “5-Mitsubishi” before crossing the line of scrimmage to pursue the quarterback. Any non-sponsored word can be punished by an automatic first down (now known as first “Galant”) and distribution of Ainu Burns by the wronged team.
Our economic victory is at hand! First the Arena Football League (presented in HD by Mitsubishi on Mitsubishi TVs delivered by Mitsubishi employees in Mitsubishi vehicles to Mitsubishi patrons. Mitsubishi.), then, in the same manner that we are quietly turning our Japanese Defense Force into actual armed forces, we will turn the Arena League into a sporting power!
NOTE: In related news, readers will remember that San Jose Sabercats quarterback Mark Grieb won a Mitsubishi Spyder as part of his Arena Bowl XXI MVP award (as voted on by the illustrious authors of It’s Still Football!), which he exchanged for an Outlander, because it’s more practical. We will not forget this, Mark. You are a nice guy, and you have laser-vision, but … really? Also, did I really throw a “bonzai” in there? TC = Classy.
It’s not often that we discuss af2 stuff, because we know barely enough about Arena Football Prime to avoid sounding like drooling asylum escapees. However, the announcement that the City of Toledo needs assistance naming their team compels me to emerge from my off-season slumber, climb into my AFL minaret (it’s half the height of normal ones), and raise the call to help embryonic Lucas County Commissioner Ben Konop.
Konop posted a request for ideas on his blog, and, by God, he deserves our help. The leaders at the moment, according to the mighty Toledo Blade are the Walleye and the Woodpeckers. No wonder Big Ben wants our help. It’s mentioned immediately in the comments that the idea of people chanting “Lets go, ‘Peckers,” is one that makes you go “…ehh…” Though, The University of South Carolina does a brisk business in “Cocks” hats, and there are certainly enough douchebags, high schoolers, and those inhabiting the the Venn Diagram union of those two groups for there to be a market for both “Cocks” AND “Peckers” hats. But I digress. In the comments section, so far the suggestions include: the Panes (Glas City, y’all), various frog-based names, Pride, Mudogs (?), Shards, Jeep-based name, and the snarkiest answer, “The Pathetic Lucas County Government Diversions.”
Hee.
Reading the suggestions kind of broke my brain, so I open the floor to suggestions.
P.S. Kirk Herbstreit was on Pardon the Interruption yesterday, and the video screen attached to the Superdome was imploring people to order their VooDoo season tickets. NATIONAL ADVERTISING, MY FRIENDS.
