We’re sorry, Matt Cranky Pants Nagy. Saying that you had as good a chance of beating Dallas as Dan Qualye winning a spelling bee was obviously a mistake. We’re sorry we added to your crabbiness, and hope you give us some credit at ISF for adding some fuel to your ire fire. Get ready for us to do it again, because we’ll be jiggered if you beat your former Force squad on the road.
SATURDAY: Columbus at Georgia, ESPN, 12pm ET.
J SAYS: Kudos to Columbus for pulling a huge upset over the Desperados. Really. Good job. This week, you’re mincemeat. Georgia made the Soul O-line look holier than Pope Pius XII, or at least as holy as Carrie Underwood’s publicist would like you to believe, or as full of holes as Tommy Lee’s ears or Criss Angel’s face (note: I don’t think he actually has much in the way of piercings, but he just totally seems that way). Although my live-blog coverage of the Philly-Georgia game was Soul-centric, it was all Force, all the time. Overpowering defense, precision offense, mildly accurate kicking carried the day for Georgia. QB Chris Greisen will slap things and say ‘yeah!’. Head coach Doug Plank will crush Columbus with his steely Bears-gaze alone.
TC SAYS: Columbus got help from fate last week. You can’t count on that two weeks in a row. I could say the same things about Georgia this week as I did about Dallas last week, and I misplaced my faith in Philadelphia. I’m an idiot. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. They made Philadelphia play as smoothly as the countenance of Edward James Olmos. If we’re using actors in our analogies. And Philadelphia is measurably better than Columbus. The transitive property of sports insists that Columbus has no prayer. But we said that last week. Can the fury fueled by the scorn of a nation propel Columbus to two straight upsets?
THE BOTTOM LINE: (J) Just as the film Georgia Rule would have you believe (note: I know nothing about this film other than Lindsey Lohan was publicly berated for being late to set because of underage-drinking-related ‘dehydration’), Georgia rules. Columbus, it’s been interesting, but it’s time for the Buckeye state to start dreaming of the Horseshoe and maybe not choking when it counts, like Columbus will have no choice but to do in Force territory. (TC) You know who has to gag for this game to be won by Columbus, right? Chris Griesen, on his pregame meal. Also most of the defensive players for Georgia. Last week just goes to show you that anybody can win in any week in the AFL, because there are enough chances for weird bounces. That notwithstanding, Georgia is really talented, and Griesen’s playing at the highest level. Columbus is a fine team, and they can get the job done if enough momentum’s behind them (of note: Dallas didn’t score in the third quarter last week), but it’s asking a bit much to do it two weeks in a row.
J’S PREDICTION: Do you remember the part in ALIEN where Harry Dean Stanton is looking in a cargo bay and gets scared shitless by the cat, then looks up in the cables and promptly disappears? It might be something like that, except with the Destroyers (Harry Dean Stanton) and football (um, the alien, I guess… maybe the cat).
TC’S PREDICTION: I had to read that a couple times for the imagery to really do it for me. If you want to re-read J’s prediction and come back to this section, I’ll wait. [Silence.] Yeah. Georgia can book some hotel rooms in the French Quarter. Columbus can get eaten by aliens.