Yes, It’s Playoff Week 2: Point/Counterpoint (Columbus at Dallas)

 

Last weekend’s games were exciting and dramatic! This weekend’s games look to be a little less so! Will the top two seeds in each conference remain intimidating, or are major upsets afoot!?! (Hint: no.)

SATURDAY: Columbus at Dallas, 8PM ET.

TC SAYS: I’m not going to use any “stats” in this one. Stats are for sissies. I may not use any “facts,” beyond the one that says Dallas lost but once this year, and has looked like assassins in doing so. Columbus’ quarterback and offensive coordinator don’t seem to get along. I executed some precision TiVoing to get that conversation verbatim, by the way. If Seth Marler hadn’t gone all Xavier Betitia in the last 5 minutes, we’d be having a much more interesting discussion about Brett “Dammit, I’m From Kentucky, I Only Played In Finland” Dietz vs. Dr. Clint “I’m Sorry, I Have Trouble Hearing You Over My Cheering Fans” Dolezel. But noooooo. Instead we get Cranky Matt Nagy stomping his foot ineffectually as Dallas DBs run in the other direction with the ball.

J SAYS: Verily. This is a classic David and Goliath story minus David, Goliath, and slingshots with rocks. Stats are for sissies, you say? You are right. J’S JAWS-LIKE REFERENCE OF MEANINGLESS STATISTICS: Columbus was the only team to make it into the playoffs with a losing record (7-9). Also, the fact that I was cock-blocked in Nagy’s SportsNation chat a while back doesn’t bode well for the Destroyers.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (TC) I don’t think Columbus has a prayer. Dallas has made next to no missteps all year, is led by a veteran with an outstanding supporting cast, and – most importantly – hasn’t been caught by the Magic ESPN Microphones getting into catfights with his coaches. (J) When I think about Dallas playing a football game, I get all tingly and goose-pimply. When I think about Columbus playing a football game, I get bowel obstructions.

TC’S PREDICTION: The only source of drama is whether or not Dr. Dolezel will also sleep with Matt Nagy’s wife/significant other/sister. His prescription: scoring.

J’S PREDICTION: The only source of drama is how many times Dr. Dolezel will sleep with Matt Nagy’s wife/significant other/sister. And whether Brooke (below) will be in the mix (yes, she will).

Oh, and to make up for the potential dullness of this game, I need to share Dallas’ representative to the Aaron’s Dream Team:

(TC) Brooke, I cordially invite you to sleep with me immediately see The Order of the Phoenix with me next weekend when it comes out.

(J) Brooke, I cordially invite you to move into my apartment play naked Twister re-enact the “Call On Me” video a fine dinner of sushi and screening of the Director’s Cut of Donnie Darko.

Playoff Week 1(2?): Point/Counterpoint (Colorado at San Jose)

The playoffs have arrived. Are you ready for the action? Are you ready for the drama? Are you ready for Jaws to perform in-depth game tape analysis while wearing casual-Friday attire?

Here’s our opinion of this weekend’s games, presented in a totally hip-n-fresh point-counterpoint format (in real-time!), which will be all the more fun because we’ll probably agree with each other on every game.

SATURDAY: Colorado at San Jose, 3pm ET.

J SAYS: On paper, both San Jose and Colorado are pretty similar – the SaberCats have only netted about 200 yards of offense more than the Crush have during the regular season, they have roughly the same number of turnovers, their uniforms appear to be inspired by the WAC conference.

The difference in this game, though, is (surprise!) the play at QB. For San Jose, Mark Grieb has averaged a completion percentage of 71%, compared to John Dutton’s 60.9%; Grieb has 99 TDs for the season, Dutton a trifling 80. Holy shit. I’m talking stats. This is disgusting.

TC SAYS: Regular season storyline of note: Damien Harrell is considered a Reasonable Bobby Sippio Facsimile, or perhaps vice-versa. In 2006, Damien Harrell set the AFL record for recieving TDs. This year, in both C/Rush bowls, Harrell was even with - one could even make the argument that he outplayed – Sippio, in two duels of the AFL’s star wide recievers. Neither of those games were won by Colorado.

THE BOTTOM LINE: (J)San Jose clinched their division with a 13-3 record and outscored their opponents by a net 251 points this season while Colorado limped to the playoffs with an 8-8 record, and were outscored by 65 points on the year (dammit, more stats - sorry!). Colorado, who traded blows with a mediocre Kansas City and won possibly in part due to a late-game fumbled snap, is playing San Jose, who is anything but mediocre, at home. (TC) Yeah, we’re probably going to agree on a lot this weekend. So, I’m goign to digress: Colorado’s backup QB is Former Purdue Whatever-The-Opposite-Of-Standout-Is QB Brandon Kirsch.  Who is notable for – according to those in the know – being a legend in his own mind, and subsequently forgoing his senior season at Purdue for no rational reason whatsoever. It also gives me the opportunity to reminisce about the year that the Purdue team was portrayed as comic book heroes. Including – and I didn’t notice this until now - one section of the marching band.

J’s PREDICTION: San Jose is going to walk away with this one. Elway will be able to spend his free time next weekend figuring out how to stage a coup and make the AFL into the NFL’s minor league.

TC’s PREDICTION: San Jose in a walk you say? Pretty much. I’m thinking that this week begins my triumphant ”I Told You So Tour,” as San Jose has been rocking my face off since Week… 7? I think? Mr. Chairman, I yield the remainder of my time to my collegue.