What’s That, You Say? Utah Fails To Live Up To Expectations?

 Sonny Cumbie, showing the NASCAR look that’s won so much respect for the AFL. Sheesh.

Dammit, Grampa Gary, you should know by now that the only thing consistent about Utah this year is that they’re going to come up short when you count on them. Sure, they beat LA twice before, and they scored the second-most points on the season (behind Georgia), but let’s face it: the’ve been shockingly underwhelming. Explodey-faced quarterback Joe Germaine managed to get intercepted thrice, and Los Angeles recovered two other fumbles, and it looks like this game was pretty much over by halftime. Unless J has anything to add, I was at a read-through for a gender-reversed Julius Caesar, and sadly, didn’t actually see the game. So, that’s the extent of our analysis on this one. My distinct apologies. I’ll figure out some way to make it up to you.

J Fizzle says: I actually did manage to catch some of this game in the second quarter, and my analysis is basically this: Utah looked abysmal. They couldn’t get anything right as LA was in total control the duration of the game. Imagine, if you will, either a baby trying to juggle running lawnmowers or an adorable puppy lollaping through a Soviet minefield: it may be cute for a minute, but it’s going to get ugly real quick. And so it did for Utah. Hopefully Joe Peeps will be able to get Utah back to the playoffs next year, and not throw picks off the net like yesterday.

The other item of note was another ‘Scouting Report’ on LA QB Sonny Cumbie (first item: “QB for Los Angeles Avengers”), the primary bullet point of which rendered me speechless and unable to write down the other two platitudes common for all QBs at any level (such as, “Needs to keep emotions in check”, although I for one like to see my QB have the occassional cleansing cry, but I can see their point, if, say, it’s not uncommon for Sonny to beat the shit out of his brother-in-law). The note was this:

• Has all the clubs in the bag

Mark Schlereth (who aired some clips of himself on Guiding Light as Detective Roc Hoover) explained this means “he can make all the throws”. Seems to me if a quarterback can make all the throws, you should just say “he can make all the throws”. But that’s just me.

Some other suggested metaphors for being able to make all the throws:

• Knows the names of all the Ninja Turtles
• Has a sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato
• He’s fucked all the Pussycat Dolls

Oh, also, the final score was 64-42, LA. TC was right: this was decided at the half (37-14). There be my two cents.

Repeating Unsubstantiated Rumours: NFL Developmental League Edition

Is John Elway looking at… THE FUTURE?

ITOLDYOUSOVILLE, Illinois – On Friday, we somewhat gleefully noted the passing of NFL Europa, but as it turns out, we did so for mostly the wrong reasons. I dismissed the possibility of the AFL assuming the role of NFL Developmental League with two sentences, and moved on to my pet theory, which is that a larger pool of decent players means more decent teams, the conferences can even out, and the AFL can institute promotion and relegation with af2. Which I mostly argue for because of the comedic possibilites.

BUT!

John Elway may disagree. According to Pro Football Talk.com, the Colorado Crush owner (and, of course, NFL Hall of Famer) is in favor of the former idea. The rumor, picked up by AOL’s Fanhouse, and posted on the first page of ArenaFan.com has been denied furiously by Chris McCloskey in all venues. If he comes across us, I just want it to be known that I think Mr. McCloskey seems to be a charming, intelligent fellow, and I’m sure is extremely virile. Please don’t yell at me, Mr. McCloskey – we just make fun of things. 

That said, it’s quite the interesting proposition, and one that I’m not sure I’m entirely fond of. While it’d be nice to have further legitimacy granted to the league by an official association with the NFL, the implicit reason I dismissed the idea out of hand in the previous post still applies: what would be the point? The compromises that the AFL would have to make in terms of play would likely be ill-recieved by the fans, and would certainly eliminate most – if not all – of what makes the game unique. Certainly some sort of alliance with the NFL and NFLPA would bring in some additional revenue, but would likely marginalize the league further. The viability of the AFL teams in cities like Dallas and Chicago, where the NFL teams are sacrosanct is due to the fact that the Desperados and Rush play in the offseason, where Chicagoans and Dallas…ians… are in need of a football fix. If the season moves to a position in the fall concurrent with the NFL in order to reduce the conflicts with offseason training regimens, as Pro Football Talk suggests, that slaps a death sentence on the AFL teams playing in major metropolitan areas. And, if Elway is concerned about the profitibility of teams like his Crush – again, as Pro Football Talk suggests – it doesn’t seem that turning the AFL into just another league playing middling football is the most logical course of action.

The even more curious portion of the rumours  involves the unseating of current half-giant Arena League Commissioner David Baker. They suggest it’s a power play on Elway’s part, but I don’t see the sense in it. I’m open to having it explained to me, but unless there’s more backroom acrimony that meets the eye, it seems that Elway would be better served by working with Baker rather than unseating him. The successful implementation of free substitution doesn’t seem to have brought the walls of the Wachovia Center crumbling down, and Baker was on board with that. It doesn’t appear that much would be gained by staging a coup, other than just showing that he could.

See? Baker’s HUMONGOUS.