In the interest of brevity, we’ll just get right to it. Especially because quitting time is in 29 minutes and damn if I’m sticking around here any longer than necessary. This week’s Beer-Themed Power Rankings are brought to you by Alcoholism, right after the jump:
|AFL Power Rankings
(Heading into Week 15)
|1. (1) Dallas (12-1)
Last week: Beat Philadelphia 59-56
This week: vs. New Orleans
Without injured WR Marcus Nash, Will Pettis stepped up with a huge night, scoring five TDs and playing great on both sides of the ball in a tough win at Philadelphia. Guinness. Some say it’s slightly over-rated, but those some are full of shit.
|2. (2) Georgia (11-2)
Last week: Beat Columbus 54-33
This week: at Austin
The Force claimed the Southern Division title with a win over Columbus thanks to a big game by QB Chris Greisen and a solid day by the defense and special teams. Boddingtons. Occasionally overlooked, but largely satisfying.
|3. (4) San Jose (10-3)
Last week: Beat Orlando 59-52
This week: at Utah
The SaberCats won their seventh straight game led by QB Mark Grieb, who threw for six TDs, and a defense that came up big in the final quarter. Sam Adams Light. It doesn’t necessarily have the clout of a big-name brew, but it’s as good as anything you’ll ever drink.
|4. (3) Chicago (9-4)
Last week: Lost to Los Angeles 50-47
This week: vs. Grand Rapids
Without WR Bobby Sippio (ankle), the Rush just don’t have a lot of explosiveness and although they played hard, they came up a little short at the end in a tough road loss. Newcastle. Think it’s great? How about that ass aftertaste? You think you’re going to get a high-quality brew, but it kinda makes you want to boot.
|5. (8) Kansas City (8-5)
Last week: Beat Grand Rapids (66-53)
This week: at Columbus
The Brigade overcame several key injuries and a bad first half to rally for 33 points in the fourth quarter to keep their playoff hopes alive. Leinenkugel’s Red Lager. You’re not sure what to expect opening it up, but it’ll leave you satisfied and wanting more. Kind of like sex with the RGX Bodyspray girl.
|6. (9) Utah (7-7)
Last week: Beat Colorado 51-14
This week: vs. San Jose
Shockingly, the Blaze defense pitched a shutout in the second and third quarters and shut down Colorado WR Damian Harrell in a huge home win. Miller Lite at a BBQ on a hot sunny day. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.
|7. (5) Colorado (8-6)
Last week: Lost to Utah 51-14
This week: Bye
The Crush offense was nonexistent and the usually soft Utah defense shut down QB John Dutton and WR Damian Harrell in an embarrassing loss. Bud Select. You’d think it would be decent, but it has the same effect as ipecac with a worse aftertaste.
|8. (10) Los Angeles (7-6)
Last week: Beat Chicago 50-47
This week: at Arizona
Kicker Remy Hamilton kicked a game-winning field goal as time expired in a must-win situation and the Avengers’ defense made key stops when needed. Amstel Light. It isn’t great, but it’ll get the job done and surprise you along the way.
|9. (6) Orlando (7-6)
Last week: Lost to San Jose 59-52
This week: at New York
The Predators have now lost four straight to the SaberCats. QB Shane Stafford was solid overall, but a bad fourth quarter offensively was the difference. Heineken Light. It’s not nearly as bad as you’d think it would be, but it’s not going to knock your socks off, either.
|10. (7) Philadelphia (6-7)
Last week: Lost to Dallas 59-56
This week: at Tampa Bay
The Soul played hard in a home loss to Dallas, which owns the league’s best record, but they couldn’t slow down WR Will Pettis in a great physical battle between two good teams. Harps. It’s almost as good as a Guinness, but the last couple of drops can be hard to stomach.
|11. (11) Columbus (6-7)
Last week: Lost to Georgia 54-33
This week: vs. Kansas City
The Destroyers could not slow down Georgia QB Chris Greisen and their offense and special teams were outplayed by the Force’s defense and special teams. Bud Light. It’s better than it technically should be.
|12. (13) Tampa Bay (6-7)
Last week: Beat New Orleans 61-55
This week: vs. Philadelphia
Storm QB Brett Dietz had a huge night in New Orleans, throwing eight TD passes and spreading the ball around to all of his receivers in a well-played offensive game. Miller High Life. Everyone is quick to knock it, but in the right circumstances, it really hits the spot.
|13. (12) New York (5-8)
Last week: Lost to Austin 82-54
This week: vs. Orlando
The Dragons’ offense was controlled by an Austin secondary that produced two interceptions and seven pass breakups. All in all, New York turned the ball over five times. Corona Light. Something’s just missing.
|14. (15) Nashville (5-8)
Last week: Bye
This week: at Las Vegas
The Kats are still a young team with a lot of talent, but still have moments of inconsistency. That should not bother them when they visit a mediocre Las Vegas team this week. Budweiser. Not bad, not good, but it’ll win in a taste test over garbage fluid.
|15. (17) Arizona (4-10)
Last week: Beat Las Vegas 41-20
This week: vs. Los Angeles
QB Sherdrick Bonner had a solid day versus an undermanned Las Vegas defense, while the usually underachieving Rattler defense totally controlled the game. Big can of Foster’s. You think it’s okay while you’re drinking it, but after you’re done you can’t help but wonder what the fuck you just consumed.
|16. (18) Austin (4-9)
Last week: Beat New York 82-54
This week: vs. Georgia
The Wranglers shocked New York with an uncharacteristic offensive outburst as young QB Lang Campbell threw eight TD passes in a near-perfect performance. Old Style Light. It doesn’t necessarily cause instant hemorrhaging.
|17. (14) Grand Rapids (4-9)
Last week: Lost to Kansas City 66-53
This week: at Chicago
The Rampage controlled the game and handled the Brigade for three quarters before falling apart defensively and allowing 33 points in the fourth quarter. Busch Light. When you’re playing flip cup you think you can stand it, but it’s only going to lead to hooking up with your ex and a ruined pair of shoes.
|18. (16). New Orleans (4-9)
Last week: Lost to Tampa Bay 61-55
This week: at Dallas
The VooDoo defense could not slow down Storm QB Brett Dietz and Tampa Bay’s versatile passing game and New Orleans’ offense came up short when it needed a big play. Mickey’s Malt Liquor. Like Busch Light, but change “hooking up with your ex” to “hooking up with your coat rack”.
|19. (19) Las Vegas (2-11)
Last week: Lost to Arizona 41-20
This week: vs. Nashville
The offensively-challenged Gladiators could get nothing going versus a mediocre Rattlers’ defense in a shockingly bad performance. At least the Gladiators’ defense competed. Red Dog. Every time you open a can, an angel loses it’s wings.
WEEK 15 CMRP: Currently at 7-6, we’re going for broke and taking… um…
GEORGIA 72, AUSTIN 42. Can you tell we’ve basically said, “fuck randomness, we need a winning record”?
WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT: Los Angeles and Arizona? How can we lose?
If it’s the broadcasted game on ESPN Monday Night (Arena) Football.
We lose. Like Adrian McPherson: