Week 12 CMRP + Weekend Pillow Fight

The theme of the Can’t Miss Random Pick this week, following a victorious pick of San Jose over Las Vegas, is: DON’T FIX WHAT AIN’T BROKE. The CMRP is now 5-5 following our week 1 bye (also, we didn’t think of this feature until week 2), and I’d be willing to bet that potential playoff contender Utah won’t drop tonight’s game versus the horrendous, coach-less, Shaun King-less Gladiators. Las Vegas is so terrible I haven’t noticed that Tampa Bay has managed to win some football games – perhaps Primary Gruden put a disguised Jeff Garcia on loan?

ANYWAY, randomness is counting on Joe Germaine to continue to look like his head is a Peep in a microwave every time he throws the ball, and every time he throws the ball for it to go into the hands of a receiver in the end-zone.

WEEK 12 CAN’T MISS RANDOM PICK: UTAH 65, Las Vegas 35.

WEEK 12 WEEKEND PILLOW FIGHT ONCE AGAIN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PRESIDENT’S HOT TWIN DAUGHTERS:

This week’s pillow fight is going to be painful. It’s a match between a team that can’t find its rhythm and a team that started strong but is in an uncontrollable tailspin.

We’re talking about the Philadelphia Soul hosting the New Orleans VooDoo. And we’re talking about Monday Night (Arena) Football.

This game will feature bad reads, turnovers, and dropped passes. You’re going to see drives that go nowhere, like Charles Barkley playing golf. You’re going to see both teams commit my favorite metaphor that I’m fairly sure I coined at least in part: squatting over and dropping a collective sporting turd on the field.

You might see Jon Bon Jovi give the double bird to the refs, or if things get really ugly, his own team.

You might see Jaws get so distraught he actually suits up and gets behind center.

You might see all of these things.

I will not. Because I don’t think I could bring myself to watch this game even if doing so would get me my own pillow fight with the President’s daughters and a guarantee there will actually be Social Security left for me when I retire in 2000never.

Enjoy the game, sado-masochist viewers!

Week Whatever Power Rankings, Haiku II!

I got to do my take on the power rankings (stolen from ESPN), and if haikus were fun once, they can be fun again. Though I would like to elaborate on a couple of things:

If I could figure out how many syllables “a’ight” is, I would’ve slapped the VooDoo with that assessment. I also nearly called them the ‘Doo, but I thought that’d go over poorly. Also, in the Predators haiku, I’m suggesting they might be looking ahead to their collision with Georgia, which might be a sneaky-good game, instead of focusing on the execrable Wranglers. Finally, I kind of mailed in the Crush one. Sorry about that.

AFL Power Rankings (Heading into Week 12)

1. (3) Dallas (10-1) Last week: Beat Chicago 52-48 This week: Bye The Desperados overcame some uncharacteristic mistakes by QB Clint Dolezel to beat the gutsy Rush in the final seconds in a classic battle between two of the best teams in the AFL.   Clint and company look well-nigh unstoppable. Could beat Cleveland Browns.

2. (1) Georgia (9-1) Last week: Bye This week: at Los Angeles The Force, coming off a bye week, remain one of the hottest teams in the AFL thanks to a versatile passing game that is almost impossible to slow down. Offensive brilliance, scrappy Griesen makes me watch; rest of schedule: Cake.

3. (2) Chicago (8-2) Last week: Lost to Dallas 52-48 This week: vs. Nashville While the Rush played without star WR Bobby Sippio (injured ankle) for most of the second half, they still showed great poise, determination and fight, but came up short in the last minute against Dallas. D’Orazio showed He still can throw to people Not named Sippio

4. (4) San Jose (7-3) Last week: Beat Las Vegas 61-34 This week: vs. Grand Rapids The SaberCats received a good performance from QB Mark Grieb and a huge defensive effort that produced four interceptions, two fumbles and two key defensive stops. I like San Jose: lying in wait, not flashy… they’re my spoiler team

5. (5) Colorado (7-4) Last week: Beat Nashville 57-35 This week: vs. Columbus The Crush defense totally humiliated the Nashville offense with five sacks, three interceptions and a fumble recovery. Like the SaberCats, the Crush shut down opponents, as well as outscore.

6. (7) Orlando (6-4) Last week: Beat New Orleans 42-33 This week: at Austin The Predators had to depend on their defense to pull out a win. But their lack of converting turnovers into points and shoddy special teams play continues to be a concern. If Lesser Gruden keeps Preds from looking ahead, this week’s a success.

7. (9) Columbus (6-4) Last week: Beat Grand Rapids 59-56 This week: at Colorado The Destroyers won their fifth straight home game with an almost perfect night by QB Matt Nagy and solid defense late. Playing well at home, but next three games are brutal, and KC’s the fourth…

8. (8) Kansas City (6-4) Last week: Beat Utah 60-41 This week: at New York The top-ranked Brigade defense won its battle versus the top-ranked Blaze offense, forcing Utah QB Joe Germaine to throw four costly interceptions and the Blaze offense to commit 11 penalties. Must keep momentum. Ought to be rated higher, could build winning streak.

9. (6) Los Angeles (5-5) Last week: Lost to Tampa Bay 40-37 This week: vs. Georgia Inconsistent Avengers gave a winnable game away as they failed to hold a 10-point fourth-quarter lead. They just can’t seem to put complete games together. Write it down right now: LA mauled by Georgia Force, we’ll talk next weekend.

10. (10) Utah (5-6) Last week: Lost to Kansas City 60-41 This week: vs. Las Vegas Fading Blaze not only played bad defense, but their usually reliable offense sputtered with four costly interceptions versus an opportunistic Kansas City offense. Must avoid shootouts: Utah defense not known for stiffening in clutch.

11. (11) Philadelphia (4-6) Last week: Lost to New York 69-49 This week: vs. New Orleans The Soul continue to slide without injured QB Tony Graziani. After a 4-0 start, they lost their sixth straight game. Avert your eyes, Jaws, your team is in the shitter. I’m sorry I swore.

12. (14) Tampa Bay (4-6) Last week: Beat Los Angeles 40-37 This week: vs. Arizona The gutsy Storm battled back from a 10-point fourth-quarter deficit. Their defense played well all night, making three big defensive stops in an unexpected win over Los Angeles. Stole winnable game, but “gutsy”? Try “fortunate.” This week: win slap fight.

13. (12) New Orleans (4-6) Last week: Lost to Orlando 42-33 This week: at Philadelphia Too many turnovers and the inability to control the Orlandodefense ruined a gutsy effort by the VooDoo. Right now, they lack explosiveness. VooDoo gutsy, too? Scouts, inc. needs more adjectives or just say “so-so.”

14. (13) Nashville (4-7) Last week: Lost to Colorado 57-35 This week: at Chicago The young Kats did not show up versus Colorado. Their pass protection and passing game were awful and the Crush defense totally controlled the game. Good news for Chi-town: can heal wounds and still dance on face of Jeff Smoker.

15. (18) Arizona (3-8) Last week: Beat Austin 53-41 This week: at Tampa Bay QB Sherdrick Bonner threw six TD passes and surpassed the 40,000 passing yards milestone, but the real story was a maligned defense that finally made some plays. Milestones are nice, but a decent supporting cast would be preferable.

16. (16) New York (3-7) Last week: Beat Philadelphia 69-49 This week: vs. Kansas City This is a different team when it’s run by QB Aaron Garcia, who threw eight TD passes against a slumping Philadelphia Soul defense. Aaron Garcia! Is it too late for one guy to un-suck this team?

17. (15) Grand Rapids (3-7) Last week: Lost to Columbus 59-56 This week: at San Jose The Rampage played a solid game on offense with QB Chad Salisbury and a great performance by WR/KR Timon Marshall, but they couldn’t make enough defensive stops versus Columbus. Best bad team in league now has Leftwich 2 point 0. Hooray for our jokes.

18. (17). Austin (3-7) Last week: Lost Arizona 53-41 This week: vs. Orlando New QB Lang Campbell didn’t play a bad game, but the usually porous Arizona defense came up with some big stops and turnovers as the Wranglers continue to slide No hope for Wranglers. At least Austin’s a good town in which to get drunk.

19. (19) Las Vegas (1-10) Last week: Lost to San Jose 61-34 This week: at Utah The Gladiators have lost nine games in a row and were out of this one early with a 34-0 second-quarter deficit and five turnovers in their first five possessions. Nothing has gone right… Vegas fired their coaching staff… Is next year here yet?