Briefly: ESPN = Classy and Professional!/Gladiators Cut Their Losses

I really wish we could’ve broken this story, because then maybe that’d mean we were playing with the big boys, but considering I finally got off my keister (…Ladies…) and created a “tipline” email last Thursday, it’s no wonder the Premiere (Only) Arena Football Blog wasn’t informed that tomorrow is “Arena Football Day” in Bristol, CT. I, like Deadspin, and Jim Romenesko’s Media News before me, will post the memo in its entirety:

ARENA FOOTBALL DAY
Wednesday, May 16
11:30am - 1:30p.m.

Connecticut based employees will be receiving Arena Football team t-shirts compliments of Russell Athletic.

If you are comfortable, please wear it to work on Wednesday, May 16th, as a symbol of welcome to our Arena Football guests.

* Tailgate party at the Bristol cafeteria compliments of the Arena Football League.

* Commissioner David Baker, AFL Staff, & Ownership, as well as “Special Guests” will be in attendance.

* Hamburgers and Hotdogs will be served.

I have so. Many. Questions. Special guests? Mike and Mike already work for ESPN, as does Jaws… Do they get Crush owner John Elway? Jon Bon Jovi? Who? It was certainly nice of the Arena League to spring for t-shirts, hamburgers and hot dogs, though. Who’s organized this? Who needs whom more? Is ESPN pretending that they’re excited about the AFL so they don’t pull their contract? Is this an elaborate Potemkin Village for David Baker? To what end? A prank? Is this like Taming of the Shrew or something? Does ESPN win a bet if they can make the Arena League a Big Deal? Or is everyone just crazy?

 What isn’t crazy is that Las Vegas just said “You know what, fuck it, let’s just get drunk,” today and fired their coaching staff. However, coach Danton Barto and his crew will finish out the season. This is disappointing, because I’d really be thrilled to see the Gladiators play entirely like a backyard team, drawing up needlessly complex plays in the huddle with no coach, and substituting awkwardly based on social status. “No, that’s okay, I can sit out another series,” awkward WR Joe Douglass will say, to avoid conflict. Other fun times for Danton Barto includes the fact that he was told at the San Jose airport that his contract wouldn’t be renewed, which had to make for a real fun flight. It makes me think of the scene from the second season of The West Wing when there’s a flashback to when President Bartlet got the Democratic nomination and Josh Lyman finds out his father died that same night. Josh leaves the victory party to go home, Bartlet catches up to Josh in the airport, and they talk about how proud Josh’s dad would’ve been, and how Bartlet couldn’t have done it without his staff, etc. It’s very stirring, and I imagine Danton Barto getting canned to be just like this scene, except the exact opposite.

Can’t Miss Random Pick Victory Party!

Desperate for a win, the Week 11 CMRP was based on the theory, “We bet the Los Angeles Gladiators will suck.” We also put money on the sun rising in the East, and that my employers would dine on succulent puppies. We were right on all counts. Celebrate good times, come on.

In other news, I’m opening a show this week, so I haven’t watched any sports, including the game that I told everybody else to watch last night. Do as I say, not as I do. In any event, this Weekend in Review should be interesting, in any event. Onto the made-up recaps:

COLUMBUS 59, Grand Rapids 56: Columbus ekes out a victory at home in the Mediocrity Bowl. Further crushing the souls of those forced to live in the Grand Rapids area is the fact that they actually mounted a comeback in the 4th quarter, but it was not to be. I’ve lost my will to live thinking about this game. Between Cleveland and Grand Rapids the cities, Nagy and Salisbury the professional erratics, and the fact that there’s not much of a demonstrable difference between 6-4 and 3-7, this game makes me reexamine this whole concept.

ORLANDO 42, New Orleans 33: There shouldn’t be fewer than 80 combined points in one of these games unless play is suspended due to The Rapture or something. Even a blowout should be 64-21. I’m going to have to assume that they took the third quarter off for tea or to shoot a new God-awful Arena Bowl [Roman Numeral] commercial. That’s a fair excuse.

Colorado 57, NASHVILLE 35: See? This is what I mean: Colorado is a good team, and Nashville is led by a quarterback who is obligated to use safety scissors. But, in the scoring orgy that is the AFL, they still scored 92 points, combined. John Dutton’s completion percentage could go up, but that’s all I can glean from stats.

KANSAS CITY 60, Utah 41: I’d hate to be a fan of the Utah Blaze; they’ve continued to look like they can hang with decent teams, only losing to Dallas by a touchdown, but they got hammered by KC, and just generally look like they could win more games than they have. I’m completely baffled. The good news is that Ray Philyaw threw 8 TD passes, and throttled the life out of this game. Kansas City blew 3 extra point attempts which… could haunt them… in the playoffs? I don’t know.

ARIZONA 53, Austin 41: It was mentioned that this would be an exchange of bitch-slaps, and I think that’s pretty accurate. Our pillow fight of the week at least allowed 9,300 people to watch Sherdrick Bonner break 40,000 yards for his career. He’s only the second QB to do so in the AFL, but he doesn’t get his own post lauding that achievement, because Dan Marino threw over 61,000. So, ha ha, Mr. Bonner. Call me in 20,000 yards.

Tampa Bay 40, LOS ANGELES 37: This game gets booed for the same reason the Orlando/New Orleans game gets booed. Score more points, jerks. But at least it was close. Sonny Cumbie still holds onto his job, and Brett Dietz is doing a serviceable job as the third Tampa quarterback this year. This is the nicest thing I can say: three-game winning streak, Tampa Bay! Woo! If we get to local restaurants by 5:00, we can save 15% on our dinner! Woo!

SAN JOSE 61, Las Vegas 34: The best part about this game is that San Jose put this game away early, going up 34-0, and then I hope they just whipped the ball into the stands for the rest of the game. Free game balls for all moms! Las Vegas is a bad sports team. I’d take the University of Chicago Maroons against Las Vegas. This is brutal. Bad bad bad. Much like my writing today.

New York 69, PHILADELPHIA 49: Wither Juston Wood? Mr. “Sling It” lost his job to Leon Murray in the third quarter, as Philly lost their 6th game in a row. I think this is a powerful referendum on just how critical the quarterback position is in this goofy league. NFL teams’ success often hinges on the play of the quarterback, but not entirely - Trent Dilfer can win a Super Bowl. The Detmer brothers have kept teams competitive until the starter comes back from injury. Troy Graziani got impaled on a spike and mounted in the front yard of the Desperados’ Duke Pettijohn, and since then, it’s been a complete unravelling. It doesn’t help Philly’s cause that Aaron Garcia remembered how to throw the ball into the end zone this weekend. So, that’s nice for him. Too bad Dr. Dolezel beat him to 800 TD passes. No hyperbolic paeans to your greatness from It’s Still Football, Aaron.

DALLAS 52, Chicago 48: Well, Damn. J’s earlier recap pretty much sums it up. Take away Matt D’Orazio’s favorite weapon, and he might have had a chance at home. But in front of 12,518 Dallas fans - who are, by all reports, quite boisterous… not so much. I’m just bummed, generally. The good news is the spirited comeback by the Rush could imply that they can actually win if something horrible happens to Bobby Sippio, like him getting signed by the Packers. He’d be dead to me.

The eagerly anticipated Most Motor Skills Challenged of the Week Award goes to Joe Germaine, who’s indiscriminate flinging of the ball to the other team was the difference between a victory against Kansas City and a loss. You and your team look so almost-good, Joe… I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

You got psyched by Peter King

If you were hoping to catch a glimpse of the AFL’s Premiere WR, Bobby Sippio, tearing it up against Dallas last night on the illustrious ESPN2 after getting a tip from beloved curmudgeon Peter King, you were bound to be disappointed. Not only because you were watching the AFL on ESPN2, but because Bobby Sippio, lauded as “The AFL’s Jerry Rice” (only by us), suffered an ankle injury in the first quarter and saw only limited play.

We have to give it to Matt D’Orazio who, despite as we have previously mentioned seems largely ineffective without Sippio to throw to, managed to keep Chicago in the game and take the lead late in the 4th quarter. Dr. Dolezel, however, put Dallas up 52-48 with three seconds left. Would it have been a different game had Sippio been in? Probably.

Would Sippio have been injured had Peter King not advised a nation of pseudo-coffee-snobs to tune in? Knowing how superstitious Chicago sports fans can be, we can say, without a doubt, this is all King’s fault.