7:02- Wow. Dallas is ready to “ride dirty”, and commentators Trey Wingo and Mark Schelereth (sp?) tells us Clint Dolezel (who is sporting an absurd goatee) may throw his 800th TD pass here tonight. Sweet Jesus. Kickoff goes crazy, bouncing off the wall, Philly almost loses it.
7:05- Graziani starts out great, almost throwing a pick on the first play. Brilliant. Next throw does nothing landing by no-one, as does the third. Jaws must be getting pissed off. At 12:53 seconds in, the commentator crew reminds us ‘there is no punting in arena football’. Philly tries for a FG which falls woefully short, effectively making it a punt Dallas recovers around their own 15.
7:12- Although I kinda feel fruity for bringing a pesto pizza over to TCs for the game, I’m vindicated because it is fucking delicious. Dolezel floats a pass in the endzone that gets picked off after blatant (like, Blitz: The League blatant) pass interference, Philly starts out deep in their own territory.
7:15- Graziani completes a pass to Gonzalez at mid-field, and despite the fact a defender lands on top of him after he makes the diving catch, he thinks the play is still alive, even after three blows of the whistle from the ref. On the next play, there’s another G-G connection, putting Philly up by 6. TC predicts a clanged extra point. I am not surprised that he is right. Philly leads, 6-0.
7:19- We’ve established all of the endzones are different from stadium to stadium, are all the nets different too? Mark Schlereth (not Schelereth, you jackass, J Fizzle) says yes. Will Pettis attended Midwestern State, TC theorizes he earned his Masters at Generic University. Dolezel scrambles in the red zone and throws a TD to Marshall, who is shorter than Verne Troyer. Dolezel needs two more TDs to break 800, which he may or may not have mumbled to the ref. Extra point is good, Dallas leads, 7-6.
7:26- Dallas kicker Sievers first name is “Shimmy”? It really sounds like they were calling him “Shitty Sievers”. Our commentators mention the Cowboys-Eagles rivalry to illustrate the great rivalry between the cities of Dallas and Philadelphia. TC, in rare form tonight, compares it to the nationally-renowned SMU-Temple rivalry.
7:32 – The ad for Arena Bowl XXI is horribly lame. Like, Kid Rock performing half time at the Super Bowl lame.
7:35- Dallas runs it in on the first play of the second quarter, Dolezel handing it off to Duke Pettijohn. Extra point is blocked (!). Dallas leads 13-6.
7:36- Jesus, Jerry Jones is in the booth talking about how smart he is. Graziani gets KILLED and is squirming on the ground.
7:37 – Jerry Jones just said he thinks that one day, arena football could be an Olympic sport. I am not making this up. He really said it. I am floored. I think we’re going to need to take a quick nap to recover from that.
7:40- We’re a little behind, thanks to Tivo. Graziani was FLOORED, Eddie Simpkins just blindsided him. Holy shit. Simpkins got him good – Graziani injured his left wrist – his throwing hand. Backup QB Justin Wood (You Blow Me?) of Portland State fame, takes the field and is summarily sacked on the first play.
7:43- In the Lifetime biography movie of his life, I think Dolezel will be portrayed by none other than Kurt Russell.
7:45- Wait, TC, run that Tivo back. What the fuck did Jerry Jones just say? He said, regarding a 60 yard long, 50 foot high HD screen that will be in the middle of the new Cowboys stadium: “When you look at that high def screen, you’ll see their baby blue eyes up there with the sweat running off their brow, so that’s what it’s supposed to be, bigger than life…” blah blah blah. Trey Wingo is horrified, and gives the ultimate nervous chuckle. Justin Wood has a tatoo that Rex Grossman will be pissed he didn’t think of first: SLING IT.
7:52- Woah – Wood put one out for Brackins (Pearl River Community College – and he was a fifth round NFL draft pick in 2005?), who made a diving one-handed catch. This was an amazing catch. The extra point… is good! Trey is flabergasted. Justin Wood spells his name “Juston”. Amazing. We’re tied up, 13-13.
7:56- Trey on Dolezel: “He’s two shy of 800 for his career, which is ridiculously stupid when you think about it”. I don’t even need to think about it.
7:58- Dwayne Missouri knocks Dolezel on his ass. This game could get uglier than Kathy Griffin.
7:59- Pettis goes up for a bomb on 4th and long and gets flipped around by a Philly defender – penalty flag, 1st down. On the next play, Dolezel connects with Nash – number 799. Sievers knocks through the extra point, Dallas leads 20-13 with 5:51 left in the second quarter.
8:02 – That Coors Light commercial makes me sad – the dad tells his son he needs protection when he’s out with the girls, and the kid says, “Dad, I’m 26″. I’m almost 24, my dad never had a birds and the bees talk with me. He never even gave me a dirty magazine. It’s amazing I’ve had more than one date, none of which involved a cousin.
8:06- For approximately the fourth time tonight, they show Graziani getting smoked. He’s coming out of the locker room without his pads. Looks like this is Juston’s lucky day. Make Portland State proud! But don’t fuck up CMRP! Wood responds to my plea by throwing an easy TD pass to Scott. Extra point is good, Philly ties it up with Dallas 20-20. Juston is a two-time Academic All-American – he’s the pride of the Big Sky conference. Him and Neil Lomax.
8:12 - Trey says Dolezel is about to join the ranks of pro football with Dan Marino, saying they have more in common than the number 13. Dude, Marino didn’t throw 800 fucking touchdowns.
8:15 – Dallas goes for it on fourth and short just to get Clint his record – no dice.
8:17- Matt, when talking about fat-ass Wes Ours (sp?), he stumbles over his own words, saying “You’ve heard about Slimfast, you’ve heard about Nutri-slut…” I don’t think there was anything else interesting in that diatribe.
8:18- Dallas’ Pettijohns has been tearing it up – recovers a fumble with 24.9 seconds remaining – we’ll see if Clint gets 800. Nope. Philly defender Johnny Harris almost picks off Clint’s first pass. On the next play, sounds like they’re running the ‘everybody go deep and get open’ play.
8:22- This equipment time-out has taken about three episodes of ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force’. We see number five of the Graziani sack play.
8:25- Graziani is interviewed, Trey asks him what happened. I really want Graziani to say, “Well, I got the shit kicked out of me, dumbass”.
8:26- 9.2 seconds left, 1st and goal – will Clint get it in? Pettis isn’t ready for the pass and drops it. 6.1 seconds left. Dolezel throws it to a fan – maybe he thought it was Peach Shirt? The guy was wearing orange polo. 2.8 seconds left. And they’ll go for the field goal. Going into the half, Dallas leads 23-20.
8:49- I suck it up on Guitar Hero over the half. It’s a good thing I never (really) aspired to be a rocker or roller. On the return of the second half kickoff, Pettis gets it up to midfield for Dallas.
8:52- Wow, a false start. That’s perhaps the third time I’ve seen that happen this season, which also means this is the third time I’ve ever seen this happen in the AFL. And it’s followed up by another. Clint is pissed, as though he won’t have another chance in Philly territory the rest of the game. Clint tosses up on third and long, it goes to the stands, where Ripped Chuck Klosterman makes a nice catch. Too bad he’s in the stands (I’m also seriously disappointed it isn’t actually Chuck Klosterman, because I would loveto read his take on the AFL – you know within a paragraph he’d draw a comparison to the Kaiser Chiefs).
8:59 – After an illegal block in the back, Dallas starts out deep in their own territory (oh yeah, Philly scored, going up 27-23)
9:02- Trey and Mark begin to interview Philly coach Bret Munsey, asking him how he’s feeling about Juston’s performance. Bret says he’s feeling good just as Dolezel drops a 48 yard pass to Willis Marshall. That’s 800 career TD passes. Dan Marino, Brett Favre – you guys are total pussies. As Marshall runs it in, Bret says, “Oh… that’s not a good thing right there.” Philly DB Andy Moten head-butts Dolezel after he tries to throw some trash back at Moten. That shit is crazy, man.
9:13 - 5:19 left in the third, and Dolezel gets a short TD pass in to Will Pettis, Dallas goes up 37-27.
9:17- Juston Wood is ‘chopping wood’ – he threads one in to Gonzales, who’s helmet pops off in the process. The extra point is good, Philly closes the gap 34-37.
9:19 – I just checked the stats for It’s Still Football – three people have checked in on the live-blog since the game started. Welcome, readers! There are three more of you than I thought there would be!
9:21 – At the end of the third quarter, Dallas has a three point lead. I really hate to admit this, but I daresay I’m enjoying this game.
9:22- So long as Philly keeps giving interview to the booth, Dallas will continue to score. Juston Wood puts on some head phones to talk with Mark and Trey, Dolezel slides one in to Andrae Thurman, Dallas goes up 44-34. Trey says, “Well, I guess you have to go back to work”. “Chopping wood”. That just sounds more like a sexual innuendo than anything related to pigskin. Now my mind is just in the gutter.
9:26- Shit, my bad, three readers. We’re still a few minutes behind reality because of Tivo, Guitar Hero, and Jerry Jones. I wonder, has anyone scored again as of yet? Has the world ended and I don’t know because we’re on self-imposed tape-delay?
9:30- You know when Trey and Mark started lauding Wood’s stats over Dolezel’s, the shit was going to hit the fan for Philly. Wood floats a pass that’s easily picked off by Jermaine Jones. Dolezel’s going back to work. Except they fumble and turn it over to Philly.
9:33- Right after I published the previous line, Pettis picked off Wood’s next pass for a touchback. Dolezel’s next pass is almost picked off. This is getting scrappy.
9:35 – Did I mention I was in Florida? Because I look like a lobster and I’m fucking burning right now. That SPF 6 didn’t do shit.
9:39- Nash runs it in for Dallas from the 3, the extra point… is good, Dallas taking the lead 51-34. CMRP is calling the gals from Nashville, as there’s only about four and a half minutes left in the fourth, and this is looking pretty good. Looking pretty good, like a drunk gal from Nashville.
9:43 – It’s getting to the point when Wood takes the field, you should just expect an interception, which is exactly what happens. The clock creeps towards the one-minute warning.
9:47- A 61-yard field goal attempt by Dallas? It goes about as well as you expect, as Sievers intentionally pooches the kick. Gonzales drops Wood’s first pass, which would have been a TD. Wood gets a first down on the next play, 53.8 seconds left on the clock. Next pass sails past his receiver. The next is also dropped by Gonzales, which also would have been a TD. 43.3 left on the clock. My fingers are starting to itch for more Guitar Hero. My nipples are starting to itch for more aloe vera.
9:52 – On 3rd and 16, Wood gets a short pass to Shawn Scott, who runs it in for 6 – extra point is good, Philly trails by 10, 51-41. One of the Dallas cheerleaders looks like she’s been around the block a few times, like the homeless woman that asked me if I wanted to have sex with her as I was walking in to church for Palm Sunday mass a few weeks ago.
9:55 – Philly… recovers the onside kick! First pass sails past the receiver, second from Wood bounces off WR Scott’s hands. 18 seconds left. Third down, the pass is knocked down, but there’s a five yard offside penalty on Dallas – Philly will repeat the third down. The next pass is knocked down. 4th and 5 – Wood’s pass is tipped. Dallas takes over with 5.3 seconds left. That’s it.
9:59 – Dolezel tosses the ball up to run out the clock like he’s in the NBA – Dallas’ streak extends to 7-0, CMRP evens out at 3-3, and TC and I get to experience a winner’s party with Nashville sweethearts. Which means, in reality, we’re heading our separate ways and going to sleep.