A Great Quarterback, or The Greatest Quarterback?

Francis Asbury Tarkenton? Coward.

Brett Lorenzo Favre? Crybaby and a Nancy-Boy.

Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.? Fraud. Wears capris. Often gets the vapors.

John Albert Elway, Jr., or Joseph William Namath? Pansies. Weaklings. Gayer than Jerry Jones is for blue-eyed Aryans.

Gentlemen, meet Clint Dolezel. Ladies, I’m sure you’ve already met. 420 touchdown passes? A number approached by noodle-armed weaklings. Call me when you throw roughly 400 more. Dr. Dolezel (for he has a Ph.D in putting the ball in the end zone), as of this evening, has thrown 802 touchdown passes. Eight. Hundred. And. Two. His goal is 1,000. Le Bureau International des Poids et Mesures classifies that as “A Metric Fuckton.”

Also, if you’re an opposing defensive back, he’ll come after you for a spot of conversation after throwing his 800th touchdown, and if you’re gauche enough to headbutt Dr. Dolezel at this point, not only will he accept it and use it as fuel, he will cut you from ear to ear.

Also, Andy Kelly of New Orleans has 793.

And Arizona’s Sherdrick Bonner has 785.

So… up yours, other (lesser) players.

But Otto Graham would have 2,000 touchdowns, so watch out for Zombie Otto Graham.

Don’t worry, Dan. This #13 will never win a Super Bowl, either.

Live-blogging Philly at Dallas

7:02- Wow. Dallas is ready to “ride dirty”, and commentators Trey Wingo and Mark Schelereth (sp?) tells us Clint Dolezel (who is sporting an absurd goatee) may throw his 800th TD pass here tonight. Sweet Jesus. Kickoff goes crazy, bouncing off the wall, Philly almost loses it.

Preview for Monday Night (Arena) Football: Philly at Dallas

I feel really lame thinking this, but as far as AFL games go, tonight’s match-up promises to be, well… awesome. This game could be better than the Arena Bowl - it’s like the Patriots-Colts AFC title game this past year. This is the hardcore AFL fan’s wet dream. Our reaction, however, as editors of It’s Still Football (”Not Giving a Shit Since March”), is a passing and mild interest in this game, which is far more than could be said for pretty much anything else that’s happened this year in the AFL (aside from drunken fans and angry owners), or in any year of the AFL, for that matter.

Instead of giving you a preview based on stats, which is totally lame (and Dallas QB Clint Dolezel’s numbers are WAY better than Philly QB Tony Graziani’s are), let us break it down like this:

Dolezel attended East Texas State, and after graduation joined the Milwaukee Mustangs in 1995, and has been cycling through AFL franchises ever since.

Graziani was a four-year letterman at Oregon, and in 1997 was drafted in the 7th round by the Atlanta Falcons, where he played until 1999; in 2000 he played for the Browns and the Barcelona Dragons before being picked up by the Los Angeles Avengers.

Clearly, Graziani is a better football player, right?

Clearly.

Except this is arena football, which as Jaws and Mike and Mike know (and no-one else believes) is far more difficult a game to master than traditional NFL gridiron play.

Edge goes to Dallas. Take the points and the spread. If they happen to be favored by Vegas. I have no idea.

Some combination of J Fiz and TC vaguely promise to live-blog tonight’s game (this season’s first nationally televised Can’t Miss Random Pick!), ESPN2, 8 EDT, so you don’t have to actually bother watching. We recommend watching “America’s Game” on the NFL Network, featuring a look at the ‘67 Packers and the Ice Bowl, which further proves that Jaws’ claims about arena ball being a tougher sport are total bullshit.