Monday Night (Arena) Football Liveblog: Philly at Georgia

So, as we’re all well aware, there’s a crazy gimmick for tonight’s MN(A)F game: your announcing crew is… everybody! We’re going to try to document this disaster. My theory: train wreck that a plane crashes on to, the wreckage of which is loaded onto a tanker which runs aground in the Aleutian Islands, and everyone who isn’t eaten by polar bears is picked up by a zeppelin that explodes.

Other analysis: Philadelphia by 17. Georgia has been awkwardly stumbling from game to game on defense, and hasn’t really found a rhythm on offense. Philadelphia is (a) operating like a surgeon and (b) irritated about letting their guard down last week. Let’s see what happens.

We’re also going to try this liveblogging software thing, and if it works, great, if it doesn’t… Sorry, four people.

If you’re interested, do this thing:

Okay, you should be seeing frames, and you’re probably not. Work, dammit! And if it doesn’t end up working, go here: LIVEBLOG!

On Another Milestone Reached

[Phone rings]

Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. [pause] No, I’m afraid he does not have any specific plans to celebrate his 900th professional touchdown pass. The professor’s opinion is that ‘900 is only almost 1,000.’ He doesn’t care to celebrate merely “almost making it home,” or “almost sleeping with your wife or significant other.” [pause] Very good sir, and thank you for calling the department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone.

[Typing, phone rings]

Good afternoon, Dr. Dolezel’s office, Adrianne speaking. Hello, Mr. Phillips, how are you today? I’m terribly sorry, but Dr. Dolezel is unavailable at this time to mentor Mr. Romo. Our office is aware of what a nice young man he is, but our reluctance is two-fold: one, Dr. Dolezel is currently focused on the Arena League season, and two, it would be likely discomfiting to Mr. Jones to have Dr. Dolezel steal Ms. Simpson away, or, in a plausible scenario, seduce both Ms. Simpson and Mr. Romo. [pause] Yes sir. [pause] We have a series of adjutants specifically designated to break up those sorts of slap fights, but we prefer not to use them in situations involving persons of Mr. Romo’s and Ms. Simpson’s… significance. [pause] Certainly, you may ask him yourself, but there’s no use standing in the parking lot like last time, Mr. Phillips, as Dr. Dolezel has gained the ability to countermand the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and simply projects himself from one location to another. He has no use for devices as terrestrial as automobiles. He chooses not to use this in competition, no. No, he cannot teach it to Mr. Romo. Or, to prevent the inevitable question, yourself. [significant pause] We are well aware that Mr. Jones considers Mr. Romo an, as you say, “goddamned star.” We also would like to see him succeed, being part of the Dallas Cowboys’ family. Please don’t cry, Mr. Phillips. The department of putting the ball in the fucking end zone empathizes with you. [muffled, at the other end of the line, there is a crash, then: YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! WOOOOOO!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!! STOP DROOLING ON THAT THING! WHO'D TALK TO YOU ON THE RAPROD, ANYWAY, A T & TUBBY?!?] Thank you for calling, Mr. Phillips, Dr. Dolezel wishes you the best of luck.

[With apologies to Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber for the appropriation of Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips.]

This is going to be awkward

100% Twisted Steel

Oh boy.

Tonight could be awkward. I haven’t talked to Griesen in, like, months.

Philly could be on their way to the Arena Bowl, Georgia’s struggling without me… I don’t want Chris to think he’s my Ryan Leaf but…

Maybe I shouldn’t call.

Will that make me a dillweed?

Gee, sports are hard.

Week 10: Ranks, Pillows, and Picks: I’m in training again!

I’ve been here before!

It’s painfully close to the end of the week, so you know what that means - blogging on company time! All your favorites, from Grampa Gary’s Power Rankngs to Can’t Miss Random Pick and Weekend Pillow Fight await you after the jump:

No Announcers? This, I Could Get Behind

Oooh! It looks like this week’s Monday night game between the Philadephia Soul and the Georgia Force might have a bit of a twist. The incomparable Awful Announcing gets ESPN PR announcements that we don’t even get to think about the concept of getting a sniff of the lingering odor of, and the pertinent one goes a little something-something like this:

ESPN2 will present a special “Live-Wired” telecast of Russell Athletic ESPN Arena Football that will bring viewers into the arena through additional microphones, locker room access, and wall-to-wall action and sound from the AFL matchup between the Philadelphia Soul and Georgia Force Monday, May 12, at 8 p.m. on ESPN2 and in high definition on ESPN2 HD. The game will also be simulcast on ESPN360.com and ESPN Mobile TV.

Analyst Ray Bentley will narrate the game and lead viewers in and out of breaks, timeouts and plays in the red zone, as well as conduct live interviews throughout the telecast. Most of the audio will come from on-field action through commentary from the players, coaches and referees. ESPN2 will utilize sevenseven [sic] microphones total.

I hope sevenseven is 77, not 14. Though it could be 49, I suppose. Or seven #7 microphones, but I think I made those up. BUT I DIGRESS. Ray Bentley - my favorite of this year’s series of (largely) meh announcers - gets to run the show on his own and I feel like he knows when to stay out of the way. As an ex-coach, he actually has a grasp on the rules and strategy, so hopefully, he’ll let the players, refs, and coaches take care of the action of the game, and he’ll be content to break it down for you afterwards.

The bad news? The audio gets dumped every 45 seconds with the ordinary number of mics. I can’t imagine what this is going to sound like with extra microphones and the filthy mouth of, I don’t know, Brandon Register. (Somebody tell me who’s a curser on these teams: I just guessed.) Aaaaaanyway, I’m more than a bit curious as to how this is all going to work out, and it seems to me you’d do well to have a liveblog of this, so let’s plan on meeting in this space Monday night to see the clusterfuck that is us trying to interpret what’s going on in the Open Broadcast of Arena Madness in a live-bloggy sort of format.

[HT: Thanks, Sam for the link to Awful Announcing, who already did most of the heavy lifting]

As Usual, Mother’s Day Means Pink Footballs

As often happens in baseball, the Arena League is celebrating your mom with pink striping and stuff on the game balls. Before you get all excited about your front row souveneir seats, they’re not going to be used for standard play, rather for coin toss presentations and kickoffs. The teams will also be sneaking around the stadium, prepared to present mothers in attendance with a mother’s day ball. Seriously - the press release says “Each participating team will present pink balls to unsuspecting mothers in attendance…” (Emphasis mine.)

Perhaps they can get Tony Graziani to participate: “SURPRISE! THANK YOU FOR BEING A QUALITY CAREGIVER TO YOUR OFFSPRING. ENJOY A GAME BALL WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS. WE HOPE TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN SOON, SUPPORTING THE ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE! WAIT,WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

 

Yes, We Know: Ryan Perrilloux Is/Is Not Arena League Bound

Because we would be remiss if we didn’t comment:

No, LSU quasi-semi-demi-proto-star Ryan Perrilloux is not going to play for the Grand Rapids Rampage, though they did take a flyer on equally wacky Adrian McPherson earlier this season. And Kansas City’s full to the brim with the meeting-shirking, alleged-drug-doing, bulky Quincy Carter to deal with “character issues” of this poor kid’s caliber. Concievably New York could use him (get away, Rohan Davey!), but who else? Back up Matt Nagy in Columbus? Back up Utah? Shake up LA?

Just go to Jacksonville State, Mr. 60-Million. You could be the best jaguar gamecock* in history**, and if you keep your nose clean, maybe get an education? It’d serve you better than the Arena League would. Not only is Grand Rapids uninterested, it would behoove any professional or semi-professional team to encourage you to make an effort get through college. (See also: the aforementioned Adrian McPherson, as well as Maurice Clarett, and others I can’t think of off the top of my head.) Fantasy College Blitz is more eloquent in their argument, and I mostly un-ironically used “keep your nose clean” two sentences ago, so I’m clearly not to be trusted, but my point and theirs boils down to the somewhat dull “don’t fuck up anymore.” 

*I’m an idiot!

**Anyone care to fact-check this?

[Update: I edited this to sound a little less moronic. Still: Perrilloux, don't be a dumbass. Go back to school, get drafted, make an obscene amount of money, and then when it turns out you can't quite hack it, play for the expansion Las Vegas Excess in 2010.]

Weekend in Review: That Stuff We Posted Yesterday, Mostly

Yes, I just steal photos from ArenaFootball.com. What of it? I have a point to make.

Of course, when I’m ready to rant about how ESPN’s grand commitment to the league seems to have fallen off somewhat since the heady days of Mike, Mike, Trey, Jaws, et al. (Were those salad days merely one year ago? How young we once were!), they go ahead and announce that Mike Hohensee and other members of the Rush are going to do a Sportscenter commercial. That doesn’t necessarily take the sting out of the fact that it occasionally appears that certain games are played in poorly-lit caverns with cameras stolen from remote broadcasts of the 1980s. Occasionally, you expect to see Dan Rather show up in a Muhajadeen outfit and explain how badly the Afghans have it against the Red Army. ANYWAY. There’s that. On to what happened over the weekend.

Chicago 51, TAMPA BAY 46

For all but the fourth quarter, this game was as close as the score would indicate. Tied at the half, back-and-forth through most of the third quarter, the Storm and Rush played a tough, reasonably defensive game that began to turn on a fumbled kickoff by the Storm’s Sedrick Robinson, and then  was solidified when, the Chicago defense was able to hold Tampa Bay to a field goal after a late Storm interception of Russ Michna. I’m beginning to come around on this Michna fellow - he’s 5-0 and ran the play-fake-naked-bootleg in the 4th quarter for a touchdown, and that’s the sort of chicanery I personally enjoy. Brett Dietz, after leading a gritty win against Orlando last week managed to keep the Storm in the game, but - as has been the discouraging refrain this season - wasn’t able to get the victory. If we’re starting the playoff watch this week, Tampa’s probably a bit nervous at 3-6, while Chicago’s putting some significant space between themselves and the defending champion Sabercats.

More, after this word from our imaginary sponsor:

Sort of Breaking: Quincy Carter Signed By Brigade

“Nooooooo, spirit! No, no, no! Hear me! I’m not the man I was! Why show me this,
if I am past all hope?! Tell me that I can change these dreadful shadows
you’ve shown me by an altered life!”

Um, welcome back, Quincy Carter? You and The Bryant Who Can’t Afford A Full First Name can fight it out for the QB spot of the God-awful (sorry, gang, but it’s true) Kansas City Brigade. Maybe they’ll run the option! Wouldn’t that be totally fucking insane! You can tell that the Brigade are anxious for the Quincy Carter Era to begin by their press release. And by “anxious,” I mean, “filled with a deep anxiety.”

Lavonya Quintelle “Quincy” Carter has been no stranger to controversy. He began his NFL career with the Dallas Cowboys and was one of a string of short lived successors to Troy Aikman. He was released by Coach Bill Parcells for a failed drug test. He then played for the New York Jets and Coach Herm Edwards. At that time, ESPN’s Chris Mortenson reported that Carter was being treated for a bipolar disorder. After leading the Jets to the playoffs in 2004, Carter was admitted into drug rehab. At that time, former Jets head coach and current Kansas City Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said, “”Quincy has done everything and more that was asked of him. He came to work early, stayed late, and exhibited good character the entire time. When Chad Pennington was injured, Quincy stepped into a tough situation. If not for Quincy’s performance during that time, the Jets would not have made the playoffs. After being around Quincy this past year, not only can I say that he is a good football player, but I can also say that he is of good character,” Edwards said.

Phew. Well, I feel much better.

Da Coach Says…

“Man, that’s really the last time I go to Cesars… what? We won? ¡Victoria!”